Why is MN so horrible to SAHMs?

[Sweak]

I'm sure this will go down like a lead balloon, but it's been bothering me.

Every post I see written by a sahm, no matter what her issue is, has at least 5 posters telling her she must get a job Or implying she's lazy and even worse 'contributes nothing.'

Lots of posts under the guise of telling women they need to protect themselves financially are criticising this choice (not always but many). I would never dream of criticising a mother for working so why is it acceptable to criticise those who decide to stay at home to be with their children? (I claim zero benefits fyi in case that's a suggestion). I accept that a very very long period out of work will leave you vulnerable if you split due pension, but 5 years or so? The pre school years...I don't think so. Obviously being a sahp is only going to work if you have a decent partner who shares income.

And finally so many posters implying that by being a sahm you are making it basically impossible to be employable ever again unless you run the PTA!

Full disclosure...I'm a sahm, and have been for four years, but I've decided to return to work. I've secured a job for sept (teacher), and got the second job I had an interview for so the suggestion sahm are making themselves unemployable for having a few years out doesn't ring true! However due to MN my confidence about getting a job was so low.

Can't we just support each others choices in life even if they differ to our own?

I'm a housewife who likes being at home, going shopping, meeting with friends and watching netflix while my husband works. It works for us, it wouldn't work for others. He loves his job and loves providing for me, it makes neither of us weak/lazy/lesser people. And I don't need kids to be allowed to not work!

However, the SAHMs and housewives who say running a household and doing 'admin' takes up all their time and complain about having no time to themselves while their 10yo+kids go to school, are silly.

I think whatever works for your family. My only thing was my cv had long gaps.. but I started temping. I got bitchy jibes too when at home

Btw I agree wohm mums get critiqued too. I read a post by a sahm implying nursery was awful, why have kids and put them in childcare, what's the point in having them etc which I don't agree with. One of mine is going in sept so I can work.

My point is this is largely a woman's site. Wouldn't it be nice if women can support other women's choices. I agree with everything @paloma10 said. Not every woman needs warning about financial implications, what if he leaves etc...I'm sure most women can weigh up risk Vs benefit for themselves.

I do see some posters who are sahm in unhealthy relationships, but that's also true of wohm. These things need assessing by the woman on her own circumstances.

@Sweak what an original debate you started! You do realise you are just seeing the debate from your perspective and therefore the "anti" SAHM sentiment is just sticking in your mind. I assure you I've seen some pretty hideous comments against WOHM especially if god forbid we choose to work as opposed to need to. You'll no doubt notice it more now you're an evil working mother letting someone else raise your child.

I had a few posters attempt to hand me my arse for going back to work when my baby was four months, so I wouldn’t worry @Sweak. There’re always posters who will be nasty to everyone.

My point is this is largely a woman's site. Wouldn't it be nice if women can support other women's choices.

And yet you started a debate from the point of view SAHMs are targeted more, interesting way to find common ground for women to support each other

They make a statement about you in terms of

Money
Naivety
Qualifications
Unfeminist
Above all:
Being cocksure about your marriage

I’m an SAHM and find it increasingly hard to justify now that both my kids are at school

@Sweak the reason people constantly bring up the financials is because there are literally hundreds of threads on this site about SAHM’s who ended up screwed by their husbands. People are expressing concern because it does happen, people do split up. I’m sure you know how high the divorce rate is. And as much as people want to belive their partner will be decent after the spiky it often doesn’t happen.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken
**Believe it or not, not all working parents are consumed with jealousy because we all desperately want to be at home. I could do from a financial point of view but have actively chosen not to. I understand that not all women want to work so please understand we all don’t want to be at home supported financially by someone else!

I do understand you want to be totally financially indep. I never said working parents are jealous as they want to be at home.

It's horrible to everyone.

Yep. It has become a really horrible place. I'm on the verge of deleting it completely which is a shame because I've received and given lots of support over the years but it's just plain nasty now.

Incidentally, I've lost count of how many times I've been told I'm a terrible parent for working ft. You really can't win.

@FrozenVag

They make a statement about you in terms of

Money
Naivety
Qualifications
Unfeminist
Above all:
Being cocksure about your marriage

I’m an SAHM and find it increasingly hard to justify now that both my kids are at school

@frozenvag I totally agree. I've found some posts about the finances and naivety a bit patronising.

Because to undermine the validity of someone else’s decisions can often make someone feel better if they have doubts about their own.

I’m a SAHP and I often see the comments you refer to OP.

ALL of women's choices are criticised by everybody, all the damn time.

WOHM? You're letting strangers bring up your DC, you're a selfish cow!
SAHM? You're a shite role-model to your DC, lazy cow!
Breastfeed? You're looking down on FF mums and a smug cow!
Formula feed? You're lazily giving your DC chemicals, selfish cow
Get your DC a tutor? You're gaming the system, unfair advantage, you middle-class cow!
Not getting your DC tutored? You're making them miss out on educational advantages, stupid cow!

See what I mean? There's just no pleasing anyone these days.

@changeruset2748

My point is this is largely a woman's site. Wouldn't it be nice if women can support other women's choices.

And yet you started a debate from the point of view SAHMs are targeted more, interesting way to find common ground for women to support each other

I think they are. If you don't raise what you think is an issue it won't change.

This is just my opinion.

I think it's very easy for us to pick out one or two horrible comments and get the feeling that the whole website community must feel the same way. As humans, we get fixated on the negatives, but in reality, MOST people don't care either way. Even the people reading the threads often don't care, the people that care a lot will comment, that's why we often see very divisive opinions. It's just the nature of a website set out like this, it has its good and bad points, but it's entertaining and that's why we keep coming back

My point is this is largely a woman's site. Wouldn't it be nice if women can support other women's choices

Maybe don’t start posts saying people attack SAHMs the most then! That’s not my impression at all.

This site is full of women who are left totally financially in the lurch when their DP leaves them and they have no means of supporting themselves. The more that is talked about, the better, as it may well make some people think twice about the choices they make and not leave themselves so vulnerable.

You are lucky that you are trained in a sector where there is a shortage - teaching. Five years out of a job for a lot of people would make it extremely difficult/ nigh on impossible to get back to work in that field.

@DelBocaVista

It's horrible to everyone.

Yep. It has become a really horrible place. I'm on the verge of deleting it completely which is a shame because I've received and given lots of support over the years but it's just plain nasty now.

Incidentally, I've lost count of how many times I've been told I'm a terrible parent for working ft. You really can't win.

@DelBocaVista

Please don't leave. Working full time is totally fine

But I'm sure people can evaluate their own circumstances to weigh up benefit Vs risk without strangers doing it for them

Then why are they posting on here asking for advice?

Please don't leave. Working full time is totally fine
Thank you, I've always been happy with my decision to work ft even though I've received some pretty harsh comments about it over the years - funny how my DH never get these?!

But it does seem that there is far more nastiness than ever before. I'm a university academic and the vitriol on the the HE threads where me and other academics have tried to help has been awful so I think I need a little mental health break!

There’s an AIBU thread right now (about the SAHD and housework) where some SAHMs are being told they are financially vulnerable. One is asked, “did you never have any career ambition?” The irony is , the woman telling them they are financially vulnerable is the one who is financially vulnerable! Even though she was always working! This is because her husband left her. The SAHMs have explained who they are not financially vulnerable and their contingency plans for the future, but no. The poster seems unable / unwilling to compute this.

I think you’re being quite disingenuous. No one comes on here and does what you say is happening. No one randomly attacks stay at home mums. However people are told to get a job when they come on concerned and scared as they get no money from their partner, don’t have a career to go back to, and/or are in a bad relationship and are vulnerable.

They are told this because it’s good advice.

@Howshouldibehave

My point is this is largely a woman's site. Wouldn't it be nice if women can support other women's choices

Maybe don’t start posts saying people attack SAHMs the most then! That’s not my impression at all.

This site is full of women who are left totally financially in the lurch when their DP leaves them and they have no means of supporting themselves. The more that is talked about, the better, as it may well make some people think twice about the choices they make and not leave themselves so vulnerable.

Why can't I start a thread saying I feel sahm are critiqued on here? If I said wohm are unfairly commented upon on MN would that be any different?

I can say I think there's a problem and think women should accept others people's choices

My point is this is largely a woman's site. Wouldn't it be nice if women can support other women's choices

But we’re not obliged to blindly support someone’s choice when we can see that choice makes them vulnerable. You’ve decided MN is mean to sahms and through that lens you seem to think any post that isn’t 100% supporting the posters decision to be a sahm is intended as a criticism. It’s just not true in most cases and even when there is nastiness a) it’s as much sahm against wohm as the other way round and b) those post are generally a minority of the comments on a thread.

When posters point out the risks they’re not trying to upset or hurt, they’re trying to encourage other women to protect themselves. If you know you’re not at risk then the advice isn’t directed at you so don’t give it a second thought but if you really think very few women need this advice because they’ll surely have considered it all beforehand then I can only guess you’ve led a little bit of a sheltered life and certainly haven’t been on MN too long.

@Orangebug

Most MN posts which tell SAHMs to consider going back to work aren't criticising them for being lazy. They're trying to warn them not to leave themselves financially vulnerable if they split from their partner.

Yep. OP you need to consider that there's lots of posts from SAHM talking about a lack of savings, pension, financial struggles, abusive (financially/physically/emotionally) DH's etc.

There's so many of these threads because the reality is, as a SAHM you do give up a lot of independence and employability, it's just a fact. You can make whatever choices you make and being a SAHM is probably great for you and your kids, but long term/financially it's just not a great choice. Times have changed and there's a reason why it's the norm for both people to work now.