Page 3 | To ask if you're married or in a relationship, do you have sex every day?

(313 Posts)
ViVi6 Tue 07-Jul-20 19:25:09

NC for this for obvious reasons.

DP wants sex daily and would love it to be multiple times a day, whereas I'm happy with twice a week or every other day at most.

If a day or two has gone by and we haven't done it I can tell he's becoming frustrated which makes me feel inadequate for not wanting it more.

The obvious answer would be that he "helps himself" on those occasions which I'm sure that he does but that doesn't mean he won't still want sex.

What is your normal?

OP’s posts: |
IDKNABYBIF22 Tue 07-Jul-20 19:59:58

I don't think we've had sex since lockdown, I've been quite depressed and not in the mood at all. We've talked about it and he understands.

Goosefoot Tue 07-Jul-20 20:00:29

Some other things to consider: if your kids are nursing, that often depresses sex drive, at least for a while. (Sometimes the opposite but people don't tend to mind that so much.)

If you are taking any medication that also could be a factor - hormonal contraception can have that effect, so can many anti-depressants, etc.

wowbutter Tue 07-Jul-20 20:00:44

2-3 times a week.
I'd have it every day, he isn't fussed.
Locked down with a two year and a six year old. He's unemployed now and no more interested in me, he used to say it was work stress. Although he does attempt it at inopportune moments and then use that as reason never to try again.

Bettysprocker Tue 07-Jul-20 20:01:27

Three times every fortnight on average. So once one week would usually be followed by twice the next week. I never really thought about how often until your post. This has been consistent for years. The first few years it was at least every other day. We've been married 25 years.

CharityRoyall Tue 07-Jul-20 20:01:56

Once or twice a week. My boyfriend would happily have sex every day but I’m happy every 3 days at the absolute most!

AnneTwackie Tue 07-Jul-20 20:02:04

14 years and we’re whenever one of us feels like it, usually twice a week since our youngest was born as I feel ‘touched out’ too. I can’t imagine finding the time for it, takes about 30 mins to an hour for us. Can I be nosey and ask how long it is taking? Is it the same every time? Is there a seduction bit?

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ViVi6 Tue 07-Jul-20 20:07:31

I am BF the youngest but I don't think that has made much difference wrt my sex drive as it has slowed right down since having our eldest who is three.

I think it's a combination of things such as being permanently knackered, being touched out from having small children who require all of my attention during the day, fluctuating mental health and a natural slowing down of things post children.

I only work PT but when I'm not working I'm looking after the kids so it's like having two jobs, the latter being harder than the first.

I can remember a time where I was just as enthusiastic as he is so I think we were well matched to begin with, but where I have changed he has not.

OP’s posts: |
Justmuddlingalong Tue 07-Jul-20 20:08:50

Do you get time to yourself for hobbies? Like he does?

ChasingRainbows19 Tue 07-Jul-20 20:09:44

Nearly ten years together and 41 no kids.
Maybe once/twice a week which works well into our spare time. Both full time work.On hols we are more often As we have more time and less tired. Works fine for us.
We are very tactile with each other anyway regardless and have a well matched relationship generally.
Wouldn’t have time or energy every day!

But like PP have stated everyone is different.

ViVi6 Tue 07-Jul-20 20:12:04

Can I be nosey and ask how long it is taking? Is it the same every time? Is there a seduction bit?

Not very long at all really, maybe 30 minutes from start to finish. There isn't much seduction beforehand unless you count some brief foreplay.

He would happily spend 30-40 minutes on foreplay but I honestly can't be arsed most of the time grin

If the frequency was less then I'm sure the quality would be better. For example, I'm much more likely to be into it more and more experimental if it were something I had to look forward to rather than it seeming like a bit of a chore just because it makes him happy.

OP’s posts: |
Shinyletsbebadguys Tue 07-Jul-20 20:13:54

Once a week here , funnily enough we have started to make jokes that it's quite formulaic as it's usually on the one morning of the week that the DC are definitely at their dads. That reminds me I do want to change things up a bit as I find it a bit dangerous to get routine about the whole thing (but that's because of my old relationship with exdh rather than any worries about others opinions )

I think initially do would have liked the honeymoon period to last longer but it took a long time for him to meet my DC and once he was in family life he began to understand the pressures and exhaustion that come with it .

I do think as long as you are communicating (ergh sorry I don't think there is a way of saying it that doesn't sound like a self help book) it's fine. We have had periods where we haven't for weeks because of one thing or another but we talk about it. It's not perfect , occasionally one or the other of us has felt a bit of rejection but again we have talked about it.

Far better than with exdh where it could go for months on end without anything because we couldn't bear touching each other...ergh that was bloody toxic.

I wouldn't worry too much OP, talk to him , presuming you are both in it for the long haul (I'm sure you are) it waxes and wanes (definitely wanes when DC are young )

ViVi6 Tue 07-Jul-20 20:14:08

Do you get time to yourself for hobbies? Like he does?

I don't have any at the moment no, but that's not to say I couldn't take something up. I used to enjoy the gym but gave it up after a shoulder injury a couple of years ago.

I do have the opportunity to take a day to myself when he's off work and I can't actually tell you why I haven't. I should do.

OP’s posts: |
PinkiOcelot Tue 07-Jul-20 20:16:42

God no! Every day?! I really couldn’t be bothered with that. Actually we can go months sometimes.

ScrapThatThen Tue 07-Jul-20 20:19:32

I think maybe you should have a conversation about it, establish that you are really interested in having a great sex life with him, but that 7+ times a week is just not what you want or what is going to please you (and neither is sulking/'disappointment). Be clear that you will never have sex or want him to have sex when either of you don't want it, but propose certain days or an understanding of twice a week.

LuluJakey1 Tue 07-Jul-20 20:21:35

3 DC 5y to 1y.

2-3 times a week.

Been married 10 years next anniversary. Both 40.

CeibaTree Tue 07-Jul-20 20:23:53

That sounds exhausting! I thought you were going to say you'd only been together 6 months, but to have been together for so long and have DC, I'm really surprised he is still so insatiable. To answer your question, married 10 years and not all that often most of the month, but we are vaguely TTC so every other day in fertile week at the moment. I'm not sure what the solution is for you OP, it's hard to get in the mood when your are just not feeling it. If DH was pestering me for sex everyday and sulking if I didn't want to, I think that would put me off even more!

ViVi6 Tue 07-Jul-20 20:27:04

I've considered having a conversation where we agree to X times per week but then doesn't that seem quote robotic blush

I do think there should be spontaneity and passion and I'm definitely still attracted to him so I don't really want to make a rota, but I'd definitely like there to be more a gap between the times we have it.

There goes need to be a conversation but I'm not sure how to approach it without it sounding like I'm just sick of sex.

OP’s posts: |
WaterOffADucksCrack Tue 07-Jul-20 20:31:13

Usually every day but we don't always have piv we do a mixture of things. Sometimes we don't manage it every day as we have 3 under 5.

museumum Tue 07-Jul-20 20:32:29

I would be so bored of it if it were every day. Definitely better if you’ve had time to look forward to it. Like a great fancy meal out is a treat but would stop being if it were daily.

BarbedBloom Tue 07-Jul-20 20:32:58

We both have very high sex drives and it is normally every other day after 5 years. We will sometimes fall into every other day or drop to once a week depending what is going on. I think everyone has ebbs and flows, especially if children are involved. But the difference is, my husband would never sulk or punish me for not wanting sex, he would just accept it and go on with his day. Same as I would. If I felt under pressure, I am pretty sure my libido would dive off a cliff.

Previous to this I was in a pretty much sexless marriage, which was awful, so I do see it from both sides as well.

sourcreamnchives Tue 07-Jul-20 20:34:31

Maybe two or three times a month ordinarily but since lockdown it's once a month if we're lucky! No privacy with all (older) kids home. We've been together 30 years though

sourcreamnchives Tue 07-Jul-20 20:34:43

Maybe two or three times a month ordinarily but since lockdown it's once a month if we're lucky! No privacy with all (older) kids home. We've been together 30 years though

MilerVino Tue 07-Jul-20 20:35:13

Couple of times a month - we'd both like more but with a teenager in the bedroom next door and both of us working FT it's not happening. It is however fantastic when we do, so no complaints from me. We're late 40s/ early 50s.

Parky04 Tue 07-Jul-20 20:35:49

Married 24 years and probably around 3 times a month. More on holiday!

HeeeeyDuggee Tue 07-Jul-20 20:35:57

Apparently in the minority here but unless one of us is ill we pretty much do it every day. We have 3 kids including 2 under 2

Everyone’s different tho. I don’t think there is a normal with sex lives and you can’t really compare with others

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