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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you're married or in a relationship, do you have sex every day?

312 replies

ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 19:25

NC for this for obvious reasons.

DP wants sex daily and would love it to be multiple times a day, whereas I'm happy with twice a week or every other day at most.

If a day or two has gone by and we haven't done it I can tell he's becoming frustrated which makes me feel inadequate for not wanting it more.

The obvious answer would be that he "helps himself" on those occasions which I'm sure that he does but that doesn't mean he won't still want sex.

What is your normal?

OP posts:
AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 07/07/2020 21:13

Awww @untrained - thats so lovely Flowers I'm sorry for your loss

HollowTalk · 07/07/2020 21:15

@CaptainCabinets

We go weeks and weeks due to his low libido! Sad

I’d be very happy with every other day Blush

26 and 33, no kids.

You're very young to settle for this. This is as good as it gets for him - aren't you worried about the future?
Nottherealslimshady · 07/07/2020 21:16

Atm, we're ttc, everyother day for about 2 weeks then pretty much 2 weeks off. It used to be once a week ish.
It was every day for the first couple of weeks if that! ... I think I find every day painful tbh.

BertieBotts · 07/07/2020 21:17

I think what was interesting for me about DH's observation BTW was the idea that most people have a sort of range of acceptable frequencies with their ideal frequency being somewhere in between and perhaps not even having a set number but being based more on other things (such as tiredness, stress, hormone levels, etc).

It's like we (people) often have this conversation about how often people have sex as though you can put it on a numerical scale whereas it doesn't really work like that in real life. But you probably do have an idea of how often would be too often (even if that's something silly like 3x per day) - for you daily might be past this point. And then most people probably have a sense of how long would start to feel too long, especially if you're in a relationship with someone you fancy, not so much talking casual sex if you're not with anyone. Not that too long would be a huge issue, but the point that you'd start to feel a bit rejected/wonder if something was up or just generally on a hair trigger for horniness.

It kind of sounds like your DH has decided his "too long" period is 1 day which is a bit tight really. It seems like to be compatible with someone with that high of a frequency you'd need to have your own "too much" period be somewhere in the region of multiple times a day. Maybe he WAS always like that - and it worked when you were in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, but to me you'd have to dedicate so much of your life to sex to accommodate that, and it's just not that important to me. I always think this about people who live fetish lifestyles or whatever! They seem to incorporate sex into so much more of their lives than I would be prepared to do. I don't think it's wrong to do that BTW, it just doesn't appeal to me - I would rather prioritise children, friends, pets, job, other hobbies etc. Sex is nice, but it's only a very small part of life. Maybe he needs to decide what he actually wants to prioritise - there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything! And potentially if he did want a relationship like that, it's not realistically very compatible with a family, working to provide for that family, an interesting wife because she has a life of her own/hobbies/career etc.

Original poster
ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 21:18

@Untrained Your words gave me a lump in my throat, I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

OP posts:
namechanging2020 · 07/07/2020 21:19

Every day unless we have a tiny baby in the house, then just as often as possible until they sleep better.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 07/07/2020 21:20

Together 10 years, married 3, 1 year old son, sex once a month or so.

Your DH needs to decide if he really wants you to have reluctant, coerced sex to make him happy. If not, he needs to adapt.

Persiaclementine · 07/07/2020 21:23

Sex perhaps twice a week, I'm pregnant so when I get in bed I fall asleep almost immediately, also not realy feeling it atm

BertieBotts · 07/07/2020 21:23

@Wearywithteens

“I'm suspicious of anyone who needs sex that much like a bonobo monkey.”

^^this. How do people live a normal life going round wanting to rut all the time? How do they get round a big shop in Tesco or get the kids tea or do a day’s boring work constantly in some kind of moist orgasmic state?

:o :o This also...
Original poster
ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 21:25

Alot of very insightful and interesting replies thank you! It's always good to get an outsiders perspective.

I definitely feel less inadequate than I did when I posted, which is wonderful because after years of being with somebody who wants it so much more than I do, I have started to wonder whether it's me who has lost my spark and become sexually dull.

It's very refreshing to read that I'm not alone in just not wanting it every day.

He has never called me boring by the way (that I'm aware of anyway!) but that's how I feel sometimes when I know he's in the mood and I'm just not feeling it.

OP posts:
Nc12334 · 07/07/2020 21:26

Sounds like my DH. 15 years in and we do it 3 times a week. We have sort of agreed it so that 1. I don't feel pressured to have it more as that really puts me off and 2. His expectations are managed. It's generally every other day and for some reason I feel better about it if I can plan it, but it's whatever works. The main thing is speak to him about it so you're not worrying about what he thinks, as if you've not got enough on with looking after little ones and just the day to day.

Russellbrandshair · 07/07/2020 21:29

Every day. Although reading this thread I had no idea that other people get so bothered by others having a lot of sex 😳
It wouldn’t occur to me to judge that because we are all so different and have different sex drives etc

C8H10N4O2 · 07/07/2020 21:32

It didn't happen last night as I was exhausted

What is he doing to alleviate the exhaustion? Does it bother him that you are getting little out of sex and feel it almost to be another chore after a long day?

There is no normal but there are times when you will need to work on a middle path.

The more active one "tolerating" a day off whilst a partner is exhausted is not exactly a turn on for the exhausted partner. Stepping up, shouldering a share of the load and leaving them in peace OTOH can be quite an aphrodisiac.

Quartz2208 · 07/07/2020 21:37

I think you need to talk to him to about this - not to agree to a certain number of times a week because that is robotic but be honest about how your life has changed and his hasnt and that affects it and you feel inadequate.

And that you cant just instantly get into the mood and that the pressure makes you less so

GinDrinker00 · 07/07/2020 21:37

Depends. Some months every day or even twice a day. Some months 3-4 times a week, just goes on how tired we are. Been together 15 years.

Original poster
ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 21:40

I'm not feeling it tonight either which is quite obvious to him as I have a headache (a genuine one, not fabricated because I can't be arsed with sex - I get them semi regularly as they're a side effect of a medication I take)

He's gone off to bed now without a kiss that I get on the nights we have sex. It's not a coincidence is it, the grumpy get.

OP posts:
CorianderLord · 07/07/2020 21:42

Together 7 years and we have sex about once a month 😂 neither of us really minds, were intimate in other ways. We're trying to up it a bit because sometimes we just forget and it ends up being 6 weeks and then we fee a bit odd as our mates seem to be at it 3 times a week.

Whatever you're both happy with is normal. Quite honestly if DP wanted it every day I'd be bloody exhausted. Who can be bothered with that?

Stripeytopgirl · 07/07/2020 21:42

God this post has made me feel like the virgin Mary Blush I think once every 6-8 weeks sometimes more... is normal for us.

Marpan · 07/07/2020 21:42

Oh he’s only came near me like less than a handful of times in 3 years of marriage.

I would love to get some attention it makes me feel very self conscious and introverted.

CorianderLord · 07/07/2020 21:43

And we don't have kids and are in our 20s 😁

nancyjuice7 · 07/07/2020 21:50

Early 30s no kids, say 5-6 times a month.
Sometimes it's less, sometimes it's more. Everything is peaks and troughs

Couldn't think of anything worse than everyday. Are you not sore?!?

rosina38 · 07/07/2020 21:52

Once a week and only been married a year, together for 6 years

BillywilliamV · 07/07/2020 21:53

Buy him a set of golfclubs OP, give him something else to do with his hands!

user1487194234 · 07/07/2020 21:58

Married 20 + years
Have sex most days,twice a day at the weekend/holidays

LunaNorth · 07/07/2020 22:02

It's best to leave it a few days between shags to let the desire build up a bit, imo.

Every day without fail puts it on the list with bleaching the loo and walking the dog. Not sexy.