WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

[YeahWhatevver]

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

[ButteryPuffin]

Supermarkets are hiring if his current sector is in trouble. He needs to get whatever job he can, not decide he can live off his brother instead.

You can't just ask family to bail you out when you have assets you can sell/downgrade.

This. Can't believe your DH would give him money before expecting him to sell the cars etc.

[LillianBland]

Well he doesn’t need two cars, now that he’s not working, so that’s one less payment he has to worry about. If they’re both fancy cars, then he can downgrade the other to a cheaper car. What he’s actually asking is, can I have your money so that I doesn’t have to change my extravagant lifestyle, even though it might cause problems with your wife? I also want to continue spending stupid money on my kids luxuries, even if it means that your children will be in debt when they leave uni.

[GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman]

I'd say no.

Lending money to family is a bloody nightmare. My BIL owes us several grand - he seems to have completely lost interest in repaying it after being being reliable at first. It's not the ££ that bothers us so much as the breach of trust. I'll never feel I can depend on him again.

[Darcy2]

If someone can receive £90k and be in this position just 2.5 years later, then no amount of money that you lend will help him get on his feet. I’ll take a stab in the dark and guess he’s in the travel industry? Whatever he does, if he’s been so impacted so quickly, it’ll be a long time before he’s at the level he’s at now. The sensible decision is for them to sell up and downsize/rent, get rid of the cars etc until they are both working FT again. But that won’t happen - they’ll just keep coming to you and your DH to fund their house/cars/kitchen until you finally say no.
Maybe you can compromise with your DH, and tell BIL that the money is tied up in investments or ISA etc, but you do have 5k sitting in your savings that you can ‘lend’. That in itself is a lot of money, but maybe it’s an amount that you can be happy to lend as it’ll relieve a little of your DH’s guilt?

[mbosnz]

DH should not beat himself up. BIL is a grown adult of full capacity, and the negative consequences of his poor financial decisions and mismanagement are his sole responsibility. He needs to find a way of resolving his financial situation that doesn't involve relying on his brother continuing to hand over 'free' money. He's (hopefully) come to the well just once too often.

[NotSorry]

@Thesuzle

Typical male show offness And grandstanding from your husband

And how did you extrapolate that from the OP’s messages?

The OP has already said he was asked and he said “yes I have” - in all likelihood he was put on the spot - I can imagine my DH saying the same

The DH hasn’t offered anything yet - he said he would discuss with his DW (the OP)

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Looks like the 25k is a arbitrary number picked out of thin air

No doubt it is - and when that's spent he'll be back for more, which you won't get back either because you've already set a precedent

While DH is "beating himself up" over BIL maybe losing his house, he might like to consider that this isn't going to stop until either you've given him everything you have or he gets some proper financial advice and a sense of responsibility

Why would you even consider enabling him, when so far it's not helped at all?

[DisobedientHamster]

I would actually consider this a dealbreaker if your h gives his brother £25k (because that's what it is, it's not a loan), I seriously would. He's a spendthrift who's lived beyond his means and doesn't pay back what he's taken.

You share finances. It's not his money to give. And I would have no problem being the bad guy here. Not at all.

If it causes a rift, your h can go and live with his brother.

[cstaff]

Something similar happened to my friend. They both inherited 200k each. She made sure that he bought a house outright which was about 100k. He then blew the rest on a fancy car, a boat and fuck knows what else. A couple of years later he came to her looking for a similar amount, 20k I think, and like your dh she found it very hard to refuse her own brother. She gave it to him but doesn't expect it back.

[BarbsBaps]

so your DH would happily rob your children of this for their uni fees, driving lessons etc and funnel it to his feckless, overstretched brother..?

absolutely not on to prioritise his brother over his immediate family.

what would your DH say if you turned around and said, well i'll need another 25k to donate to my family member then..? if it's shared finances, surely the outlay on giving away cash should be 25k each i.e. 50k given away total.

or would that be batshit?
(yes, it clearly is, but maybe your DH can't see what a ridiculous situation he's putting you in)

[DopamineHits]

Say no, mentioning that the last loan hasn't been repaid yet.

[KaptainKaveman]

Don't do it OP. However bad you or your dh might feel for NOT lending it, you'll feel a whole lot worse if you DO lend it and then BIL can't repay it. Which he won't, in all likelihood. Your DH's duty is to his dc and you before his db.

[MrsPotatoHeadsSheeWee]

Is the cheeky cunt BiL due a redundancy payment?

[BarbaraofSeville]

Your DH could try and help him. Not by giving him any money because it is quite obvious that it would go into a bottomless pit and they'll still be in the same mess when the money has run out.

But by signposting/handholding with help getting through it, even if it goes as far as them needing to sell the house, downsize, default on debts, declare bankruptcy, whatever it takes, which no-one can fully advise without a full picture of their outgoings and assets.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/ is a good place to start, plus CAB, Stepchange or your BIL's union or employee assistance programme if such a thing exists.

[Poppinjay]

he will definitely beat himself up for not helping his brother if/when if comes to the crunch and they need to sell up or worse still get repossessed etc.

@YeahWhatevver, this would genuinely be the very best outcome for your BIL. If you bail him out, he will just run up more debt. The sooner it come crashing down and he has to start again with a different approach, the better it will be for him and his family.

You will do him no favours by giving him this money so refusing it would not be a good reason to feel guilty. Think of it as an addiction.

[OldEvilOwl]

How long has he been working there? If he is made redundant he will have redundancy pay to cover him until he finds another (any) job! He's asking for a huge sum of money that he doesn't even need yet! Cheeky fucker. Don't give him a penny

[ProudMarys]

Well let him beat himself up about it. It won't help even if he did give him "mums money" (I agree with other posters bil thinks it's not really your family's money.) If he gives him 25k you won't see it and with all the debt he sounds he in it will get swallowed up and I won't be surprised he ask for yet another 'loan.'
Let your Dh beat himself up if he wants, although he shouldnt..he will get over it and if bil is horrible to him after this then he's not a good brother. There's no way I would agree to this in these circumstances with my siblings

[SadOrWickedFairy]

I don't think for a minute that DH would sneak him money without him telling me but he will definitely beat himself up for not helping his brother if/when if comes to the crunch and they need to sell up or worse still get repossessed etc.

The only way to help his brother is to get him to face up to the situation he is in and give him advice as to how to manage it/get out of it. Handing him money will only delay the inevitable and your husband may just as well pile the money up in the garden and set fire to it, for that is all the good bailing out his brother will do. Your BIL will never learn and change until he has to face the cold, hard reality.

[isitspringyet23]

Clearly lives beyond his means. I'd never agree to lend the money to someone like that.

[itswinetime]

So he has blown through 90k In 4 years on top of his earnings and still has

a very big mortgage
2 cars on PCP
Finance on a very expensive kitchen
Plus other stuff that I dont know about.

And then mix that with.

He's in a sector that's totally crashed and thinks that finding a new job will be very difficult

This won't just be the 25k it will be an ongoing thing he has been living way beyond his means and now he has lost his means a loan isn't the answer he needs to look and reducing his out goings ASAP and yes possibly sell up but you can't bail out this type of problem.

I would say no with the only exception being if there was a way to stop the house being repossessed before it could be sold I would do what I could to stop that happening

[gk6277]

Surely he had payment protection insurance in place if he had so much credit / little savings ? I agree he needs to sell both fancy cars and get a basic one, and take responsibility for sorting out his own problems. I might consider loaning a small amount, say £5k to tide him over if he showed willing by selling cars...

[Salome61]

So sorry to read this. I'm an older mother and my kids are 24 and 27. My daughter is great with money, my son isn't. When their Dad died four years ago I gave them each a small lump sum for a car/holiday. My son spent his straight away, and has asked me for money ever since. Unfortunately at the moment both are on UC.

I wonder if your MIL secretly helped your BIL out without letting anyone know.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Tbh, the redundancy or loss of income due to ill health could happen to any of us & you need to feather your own nest before you go paying for his expensive kitchen.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Sounds to me like your brother will end up losing his assets at some point due to his lifestyle. All you will be doing is putting off the inevitable for z short time.

You won't see that money again.

He needs some rough love, not bailing out.

Is there any reason his wife can only work 2 days?

[HollowTalk]

So he's spent his £90K and now he wants to spend your husband's?

He's got a bigger house, better cars and still wants your husband's money?

It's outrageous. Your husband doesn't know what's around the corner in his own life, tbh. Nobody does at the moment. He needs to keep hold of his savings.

And if he gave that money to his brother, the first thing the guy would do is relax and not worry about looking for work immediately.