WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

[YeahWhatevver]

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

[BarbaraofSeville]

Oh, and your family only has DHs half of the inheritance remaining because you've been financially sensible, and not gone on a spending spree burning through £90k in a couple of years without thinking of saving some of it for a rainy day.

Remind your DH of that. Don't feel obliged to help people who will never help themselves and expect others to bail them out.

[mbosnz]

OP, my FIL put huge pressure on us to go guarantor on a house for him and MIL, after having defaulted on loans we'd made of thousands of dollars, and having helped himself to DH's inheritance from his grandmother.

The guilt tripping and emotional blackmail was horrendous, DH was on his knees with it, came very close to doing it. In the end, I said to him, if you want to, you can do it, but you need to know that when he defaults, that could very well be the end of our marriage - and that was when DH found the strength to say no. Because I knew I'd find it very hard to forgive our financial security having been sacrificed, and our (then future) children's wellbeing and security.

[dottiedodah]

Shortfeet Love your DH response there!

[1WildTeaParty]

Don't talk about it as a loan. Refer to it only as a gift. (It will not be returned - you shouldn't expect to see it again.) Does it still seem reasonable?

It is wonderful to help a sibling - but money isn't really going to do it. Perhaps you could encourage your DH to offer other kinds of support and let the money thing work itself out as it will - even if you give BIL money now.

[MimiLaRue]

Not only is your DH being manipulated, he is actually not helping BIL at all. The solution to financial overspending is NOT handing out more money. You wouldn't give an alcoholic more booze would you? or fix a drug addict by buying them some heroin when they've run out. Its the same thing. Your BIL has a problem with overspending and 25k definitely wont be enough. It will go in a flash and then he'll be back begging for more. For people who chronically overspend there is a bottomless void that wont ever be satisfied.

Your BIL HAD 90k available to him- think about that. With 90k he could have paid off all his debts, saved some for a rainy day and still bought himself some nice treats. But he didnt. He squandered the lot. So, bearing that in mind, what is so special about this 25K? if he couldn't do it with 90k what makes your H think he can do it with 25k? Going through 90k in the space of 2 years is seriously addictive behaviour and he needs financial help and emotional help.

Your DH would be far better off directing him to debt support agencies and other places that can help him budget and look at the emotional reasons that lie behind his reckless spending. Looking at the root cause of this is the only way it will ever be solved.

[KaptainKaveman]

My older db has spent a lifetime living beyond his means. He won't change. I lent him money for years, even when.i was a poor student and he was working full time I had to bail him out. He is extravagant to the point of stupidity. Some people just can't help it, it seems.

[Topseyt]

It would be a NO!!! from me too.

DH has a younger brother who is appalling with money too, and neither of us would ever lend him a penny. In my BIL's case it would all go on alcohol (he is an alcoholic) and sometimes drugs. He has never actually paid a bill in his life.

For your BIL it just sounds like money burns a hole in his pocket and he lives way beyond his means. The answer would still be no! You would never see any of the money again.

I would tell him that there is none left. It is all earmarked for paying off the mortgage and for the children's futures. Nothing will be spare after that.

You have to prioritise your own family here. So does DH. Also, the money was no longer their mother's money. She bequeathed it in her will to DH and his brother. So DH's £90k was his (and by extension yours, as he views it that way) to do as he (and you) saw fit. Same for BIL when he received his. So he should be put straight on that one right away. It is no longer their mother's money and BIL has no claim on what was paid to your DH.

I do have some sympathy with BIL for the loss of his job at this difficult time, having just been made redundant myself. However, it doesn't give him any right to make these demands on his brother, or on you.

DH needs to be firm with him.

[ilovemyrednosedaymug]

YANBU. I wouldn't be helping him. I know of a situation where someone was bailed out by a family member, to avoid bankruptcy, only to run up the same amount of debt, go bankrupt anyway, and the family member lost their money as it had to be written off in the bankruptcy. When that person wanted us to lend them some money, I refused, quoting their bad history.....

BIL needs to sort this out for himself, make cutbacks, sell cars, downsize or whatever, without taking all of your money. and why £25K, who announces that they need an amount like that? He could ask for a loan of £5K to cover the mortgage for a few months or whatever.

I know it is hard to say no, but you really do need to stick to your guns here and not give him any money. This is their problem to sort out.

If you give them the money and they carry on living a fancy life, you will start to really resent it.

Your DH can tell him that the money is tied up and he didn't realise that he couldn't access it.

They are responsible for their own lives, have blown all the money, got into debt and have nothing saved. That is entirely their own fault and nobody else's responsibility.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I know I suggested it too, but the difficulty with BIL "getting financial advice" is that it's not what we wants (or presumably he could have accessed it himself)

What he wants is someone else's money and that's not going to change as long as he's getting it
No point either in offering just £5000 or so because that way they'll both feel dissatisfied, or in "only paying if he's about to lose the house" because he'll insist that's exactly what's about to happen

For me, the only possible answer would be "no, I need it for our own family and you've already had enough". It might be hard, but no harder than being bled dry as BIL's fecklessness continues unchecked

[PAND0RA]

BIL is living above his means. This is the perfect opportunity for him to fix it.

Your husband needs to tell his brother that your money is in long term savings for your children’s education / future and that you can’t and won’t be touching it.

[IntermittentParps]

I'm sorry BIL is going to lose his job. But your DH didn't need to say where your money was; it's not his business. And you should definitely say no. Your money is earmarked.

BIL can get financial advice on his debts and the size of his mortgage/house. No need for your DH to feel guilty.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

With 90k he could have bought a fancy kitchen and 2 decent mid range cars outright. What he chose to do was spunk the lot and get into massive debt.

With what you have said here he is going to be at least 100k in the red, so 25k wont make any difference at all. Also, what about his redundancy pay?

No, no handouts.

[Gogogadgetarms]

YANBU to say no.
If or when it comes to repossession is a very different scenario.
I’d also wish your DH hadn’t let on you still had it in the bank but you need to get DH to clarify that it’s earmarked for other things. Don’t you be the one to do it.

[MulticolourMophead]

I wonder if your MIL secretly helped your BIL out without letting anyone know.

Given BIL's extravagant lifestyle, it wouldn't surprise me. His attitude to the money ("mum's money") is a clear indicator that he sees the money inherited by DH as not really belonging to DH, and that he, BIL, has an entitlement to that money.

OP, I still say that you need to put your foot down. BIL will never gain any sort of responsible attitude to money if you keep giving him any. He needs to start sorting his finances out properly.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

I think there comes a time when everyone has to grow up and that comes at “crunch” times.

Your BIL is not in a difficult situation, he has 2 cars and a expensive house that he can sell / downsize.

He is living way beyond his means (given his debt) and now it is your time to keep him in style...

Erm, no, I’ll rather be a seen as a bitch that handing him the money, not because you won’t ever see that money back but because you will lose respect/trust in your husband if he does.

Getting to the point where you can say there is not your/mine money but “us” money requires a lot of trust and time to build it. That will be gone in a minute if he hands out the family money if you disagree.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

Is your husband seriously considering it? He knows it would go the way of the rwat of the 90k right? And basically he will be giving BiL the childrens college fund or whatever, making their future not quite as easy?

If it was me, I would say to your husband it's time to have some awkward conversations.

I wouldn't want my brother to lose his house so I might give him something to ride him over for a month or two (give not lend as clearly you're not going to get it back). He needs to get his brother to be open about finances eg what redundancy money will he get, has he asked for a mortgage holiday, what can he get rid of that he doesn't need if he isnt working, is there anything he can cancel, what savings eg childcare will they be making while he is off, is he willing to take a lower paid job for the time being, is his wife willing to increase her hours? If they are trying to help themselves then I'd be ok with giving them some towards their mortgage for a bit, but if he wants to continue with his lifestyle and not put in any extra effort then there is almost no point as it will all go tits up anyway

[RandomMess]

You need to say no, and DH can always say "it's invested so that we can't access it for 3 years for tax and interest reasons"

[Cailleach1]

If you put it into the mortgage, at least you would only lose the penalty amount. How much is that? I'd feel hard done by if I was parsimonious with my own money just for someone else to waltz in and pee it away.

[Cailleach1]

Family money.

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

I wonder if your MIL secretly helped your BIL out without letting anyone know

Interesting... I was also thinking the same! Op, he has had his cake and now wants yours.

[MimiLaRue]

Why cant he sell one of his fancy cars? that would tide him over for a while.

[Waveysnail]

How much are the early repayment charges for mortgage? Might worth sucking them up and paying mortgage off

[jessycake]

Direct him to the Money saving expert site or something and let him get out of his own mess .
From everything iv'e seen people have to have a lightbulb moment until they are able to change their behaviour and lifestyle and you certainly don't want to just maintain it for a while longer .

[1000mangoesinabirthdaycake]

Aviation? BIL is the one that has committed to those outgoings, not you. You chose to commit to outgoings you thought you could afford. If he's burned through £90k then whatever his redundancy payment is won't keep him afloat for long.

Unless he deals with this now then he'll find himself bankrupt and then you won't get your money back and it won't really have done him any good anyway.

[Dillydallyingthrough]

Agree with PP it would be a no, how is he going to learn to manage money if he knows your DH will bail him out. Your DH could either say he didn't realise he couldn't access it or be upfront and say you have made sacrifices to keep it aside for your DC.

I would also be having a serious conversation with your DH that he would be choosing to allow his DB to squander it over supporting your DC.