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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

578 replies

YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 13:31

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

OP posts:
Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 13:49

But speak to me of course leaves the door open for the answer maybe to be yes. Would have preferred DH to say no there and then

OP posts:
Sushiroller · 03/07/2020 13:49

Your husband is totally unreasonable.

It's not okay...

user1487194234 · 03/07/2020 13:50

This will be an unpopular response,but personally,if it was money I inherited from a parent,and I was comfortably off,I would give it to a sibling,mainly on the basis my parent would have if alive
My relationships with my siblings are precious to me and I would never risk them over money

Sushiroller · 03/07/2020 13:50

Telling them the savings are locked up and can't be accessed.
Let them sell one of the cars (or sell both and get a cheap runaround)

CoalTitCafe · 03/07/2020 13:50

YANBU, and I would be furious too. My DP is the same, helping out his feckless sister even though she pissed her inheritance away on a wedding, holidays and "bits and bobs" and continued to have children she can't afford Angry sorry

Ask DH why he thinks his brother should get £120k while he only gets £70k from their inheritance? Why he thinks it's ok for his brother to live beyond his means and treat your family like a piggy bank. Where the £95k has gone. Etc etc.

It would be a flat out no from me, even if it causes a rift. On the one hand, his brother might throw a hissy fit that he can't live beyond his means. On the other hand, you would grow very resentful that your family plans are compromised and that would put a strain on your marriage. This is only happening because you've been sensible instead of blowing the entire sum.

I don't think there's any point in getting anything in writing - realistically he will pay lip service then not actually pay you back in cash. And what will you do then, take him to court? Sell the debt to a debt collector?? I don't see any kind of enforcement happening based on your husband's attitude so far.

Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 13:51

DH said "yes, we've still got quite a bit of it in savings"

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 03/07/2020 13:51

I’m with you - absolutely - but I can see why your DH feels torn. If his brother is genuinely in a tight spot and he’s able to help him out, I can understand why he doesn’t want to see him go under.

That said - I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to demand that it’s all done on a legal basis. Especially if you’re talking about. £25k. I’d be thinking about a £25k charge on BIL’s house, for example. And a properly documented repayment schedule.

I think you’re going to have to be the “bad guy” here in any scenario, unfortunately..,.

7yo7yo · 03/07/2020 13:52

Don’t give him a penny. Transfer the money into an account your DH can’t touch until this madness has passed.

BabyDancer · 03/07/2020 13:52

Yeah, there's no way I would give BIL the money. He can downsize his house or sell up some of his high assets that he has flashed the cash on to get by. 25k is a lot of money! He's a CF!

CoalTitCafe · 03/07/2020 13:53

user1487194234

This will be an unpopular response,but personally,if it was money I inherited from a parent,and I was comfortably off,I would give it to a sibling,mainly on the basis my parent would have if alive
My relationships with my siblings are precious to me and I would never risk them over money

Do you have the kind of siblings who would blow £95,000 and ask you for the equivalent of an average person's annual salary as a 'loan' which you would probably never see again?

Would your siblings be happy to live above their means at your expense? If that meant you couldn't pay your mortgage off sooner?

honeylulu · 03/07/2020 13:54

The way I read it is that the DH hasn't said yes to the loan but had said yes, we still have some left. So BIL is now champing for it but DH hasn't actually agreed (though he might).

OP can you clarify?

Boulshired · 03/07/2020 13:54

Your DH needs to realise in trying to help his brother and keeping him close he will be doing the opposite. Money ends relationships, if he has gone through 90K so easily how the hell can he pay 25K back. Their relationship will not survive this if he hands over the money.

Lightsareon · 03/07/2020 13:54

I would be asking my DH if he seriously thinks BIL deserves that money more than our DC, if he really thinks giving it to him is a better use for it than saving it for DC's future? And then I would hope to god he saw sense because he wouldn't be the man I thought I'd married if he did something so obviously unwise as throw good money after bad on his feckless brother.

LakieLady · 03/07/2020 13:55

So BIL has spunked his way through £90k in 2.5 years and is now in a £25k hole, and your DH wants to use "family money" to bail him out?

He's crazy and YANBU.

DP and I recently lent his sister and her husband a similar sum, but it's to finish a project that will net them shedloads more and we know the chances of them not getting it back are very slim. And he discussed it with me before even mentioning that we might be able to help, and if he hadn't suggested it, I would have done!

mrscampbellblackagain · 03/07/2020 13:56

£25k is way too much. I would get your DH to say although you have it in savings it is ear marked for something like paying off mortgage and you can't therefore help.

PlanBea · 03/07/2020 13:58

£25k is a lot to ask for a loan because of a job that "looks like" it will be lost. It sounds like your kids future security is being used to still keep them in the lifestyle they've become accustomed to.

Surely BIL should be applying for jobs wherever he can, cutting out the extras to reduce monthly outgoings, making actual lifestyle changes before resorting to a huge loan from a sibling? What if he gets a job next month, is he planning on paying it all back then? What if it takes him over a year and he hasn't cut down his expenses and blown the lot, will he ask for more?

LakieLady · 03/07/2020 13:58

As your DH has told him you still have some of the inheritance left, I think he needs to invent some fixed term bonds or something that mean you can't access it if he's worried about causing a rift.

saraclara · 03/07/2020 13:58

No, no, no.

He's been lent money before and not paid it all back. He had the chance to be financially secure with that inheritance and he chose to blow it. The two couples have equal incomes, so it's not a case of helping level out a situation.

The money you have saved is security for your children. It won't come back, and they'll be the losers.
Helping BIL out makes no sense at all, and you need to convince your DH of that.
If his BIL will sulk and cause a rift over this, then he isn't worth helping and doesn't deserve it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/07/2020 13:59

No, if £90k didn’t benefit him how will £25k do anything?.

In future he should say “I’ll ask dw, she does the money”.

Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 13:59

honeylulu

Exactly.

BIL said "do you have any of mum's money left, I'm about to lose my job and I think it'll be hard to find something else. We've got a lot of immediate bills to pay (credit card) plus the cars and house."

DH said "yes we still have quite a lot left in savings."

He didn't say yes you can have it.

Sorry on my phone, reading back it does sound like DH has already agreed.

OP posts:
MrsNoah2020 · 03/07/2020 13:59

@YeahWhatevver

Sorry, DH hasn't said yes, only that we have it in savings.

He said he'd speak to me

That's so unfair - turning you into bad cop. I would be furious.

Having said that, in your shoes I wouldn't necessarily rule out helping the BIL if I could do so in a way that guaranteed I got the money back. What does he want the money for? If it's to cover the mortgage, and they're at risk of losing their home, for example, I would try to help but only if I had a formal loan and repayment plan.

wineandroses1 · 03/07/2020 13:59

my entire family has been split (literally one side not talking to any of the other side for the last 10 years) because one brother borrowed a large part of the inherited money from another, then couldn't (or wouldn't) pay it back and it caused absolute ructions. it has been terrible for the remaining parent as what was once a very close and loving family has been blown apart. It is so sad.

If you can't afford/don't want to gift BIL the money and if you know he's unlikely to repay it, then don't lend it.

Pregnantandstressed24 · 03/07/2020 14:00

Reading this really irritated me. I’m the person with the difficult brother who never budgets and runs up debts and then asks for money from others. My husband and I do not loan money to him ever, as any money loaned is money gone. I’d be furious at your DH, as he is essentially giving away 25k half of which is yours.

Original poster
YeahWhatevver · 03/07/2020 14:00

His job is definitely going, they've said that 10 roles are at risk of redundancy and there's only 10 of them

OP posts:
awesomeaircraft · 03/07/2020 14:00

YANBU. Should this money not be there, the brother would pursue another route. If they are at risk of losing their home, I would suggest doing an honest financial audit of their expenses/investments/etc with a financial advisor (or a debt charity) - I understand they may want privacy - but 90K is a lot of money to "lose" in 2.5 years. I would expect some savings or sale-able assets to show for it.

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