WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

[YeahWhatevver]

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

[YeahWhatevver]

He has a very big mortgage
2 cars on PCP
Finance on a very expensive kitchen
Plus other stuff that I dont know about.

Looks like the 25k is a arbitrary number picked dout of thin air. He's in a sector that's totally crashed and thinks that finding a new job will be very difficult

[ProudMarys]

I wouldn't agree. Your DH could mention he still owes money (even though he is ok presumably about not seeing that? Otherwise surely he would of said no straight away, maybe he could bring up he never repaid him for last time even if he's ok about that he doesn't think it's fair on the rest of his family as it's for their future. Its bil own fault for being bad with money. If I gave my son's an equal amount of inheritance I would hate one to do this to the other. I'm sure their late mother would probably feel the same it was her wish that it would go half and half, Bil spent his half. Your husband has to put his own family unit first, your own mortgage to think about and would he allow taking money off his own kids future for his bro. Think the bil has a big cheek to ask in the first place.

[Juno231]

100% would say no. Why would your family suffer because he lives beyond his means?

If he moans you can offer to go through his budget with him to help him get out of it/prevent it from happening again. He would say no to that so fast though as he has no intentions of changing his habits.

[Piffle11]

Absolutely no way. Even if you had a legal agreement drawn up, would DH want to take his DB to court? He's blown his way through 90k whilst you and DH have been sensible, and now you're the ones to get lumbered with his mess? He won't pay you back. Period. Maybe a bit here, a bit there, to show willing, but you will never see most of the money again. It's like taking 25k of your DC's inheritance from them (yes, I know MN is a haven for the 'no right to inherit' stance, but you know what I mean). I don't see why your DC should lose out because their uncle likes to spend money like it's going out of fashion.

[goodwinter]

OP do you know how £25k has been arrived at? Unless you're all on mega-salaries, £25k is quite a bit more than a few months' expenses, so what does he expect you to be funding exactly?

[RedCatBlueCat]

"Sorry Bro, just looked into the details of the savings account. Its locked in for a couple more years, so no way we can access it"

How the hell have they spent 90k, got in 25k of debt and had one and a bit salaries coming in in just 2 years???

[YeahWhatevver]

I know DH feels the same but is more invested in his brother than I am for obvious reasons

I don't think for a minute that DH would sneak him money without him telling me but he will definitely beat himself up for not helping his brother if/when if comes to the crunch and they need to sell up or worse still get repossessed etc.

[nokidshere]

Since your DH has already said you have it I'd just say that yes, whilst we do have it in savings, it's in a fixed no access plan for 5yrs.

[cstaff]

Not a chance in hell op. If you do give him 25k you may as well write it off. You know you will never see that again. 2k maybe to get him through a month or two and even then only if you are ok with that. Cheeky fucker.

[timeisnotaline]

BIL said "do you have any of mum's money left, I'm about to lose my job and I think it'll be hard to find something else. We've got a lot of immediate bills to pay (credit card) plus the cars and house."
The answer is I’ve been thinking about what you said and I can’t get over it - it’s not mums money, it’s money she gave to me. She gave you 90fuckinggrand- what did you do? I think you can sell a car and buy a bomb and live a normal life rather than assume our parents wanted you to have everything so you could party while I worked for my children.

[Chloemol]

YANBU. They can sell a car, or return it and get cheaper, they can downsize, sil can get a full time job, he can start taking on another job now shelf stacking if necessary

No way would I lend him £25k that you have been careful with and saved for various things

Your dh is just enabling his brother to continue with the current behaviour and he must put your family first, not his brothers

As you have not has previous loans returned, and that needs pointing out to your dh no way will this one be, and does he want to penalise his own children to allow his brothers children to have a better lifestyle

Say no

[SnuggyBuggy]

If he can piss away 90K then you know you will never see that 25K again. You'd have to be a millionaire to be able to keep bailing someone out who is as bad with money as your BIL sounds. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions.

[bridgetreilly]

BIL said "do you have any of mum's money left

This is super-cheeky. It's not their mum's money, it's now your/DH's money.

[goodwinter]

@YeahWhatevver

He has a very big mortgage
2 cars on PCP
Finance on a very expensive kitchen
Plus other stuff that I dont know about.

Looks like the 25k is a arbitrary number picked dout of thin air. He's in a sector that's totally crashed and thinks that finding a new job will be very difficult

Bloody hell. He needs to speak to his creditors and renegotiate, downsize, etc. Not just rinse through your savings! How completely financially irresponsible, even with a secure job I wouldn't be comfortable with all those spending commitments.

[Di11y]

10 roles at risk of redundancy - there might only be 1 redundancy but if they all do the same thing they are all at risk. so not guaranteed redundancy.

[CalmdownJanet]

Not a fucking hope would I give him a cent.

The fact that he is looking for 25k before he has finished his job or even looked for a new one shows that in his head he is thinking "I'll get not loan 25k off my brother, pay off the debt, lower my out goings, keep a few grand to live off while I take a break and not look for a job for a while and never give my brother back a cent"

Your dh needs to say "DW had a look at it and can do on the loan" no excuses, no blaming you

[Fairenuff]

How much does he normally earn pa 40k or something like that?

So 25k will be gone in about 6 months. Then what? Back to you to ask for more?

Don't get involved in any discussions about loans, repayments, how he's going to manage. Just say, sorry we don't have it any more.

It really couldn't be easier.

[MyOtherProfile]

If he knows his job is going and he will struggle to get another, how does he plan to pay you back? He has gone through 90k and still owes masses of money. This 25k won't be enough unless he learns to live within his means. You and dh won't help him learn that if you bail him out. He needs to rethink his entire lifestyle.

[Thesuzle]

Typical male show offness And grandstanding from your husband

[Apolloanddaphne]

If he has a lot of outgoings then £25K will not go far. He needs to try and find other solutions that do not involve throwing vast swathes of your money away. The cars need to go back, house sold, new job found (any job), SIL finds a full time job etc. I would be saying no but at the same time ensuring they have enough food to eat, so maybe the odd online shop sent to them. I would hate the DC to go without food.

[pinkyredrose]

Don't give him a penny! He's not fully paid back his previous loan from you, why didn't he do that when he received his inheritance?

He can ask the bank for a mortgage holiday.

[Pregnantandstressed24]

I understand your DH is going to feel guilty, but that’s because of the position his brother has put him in. His brother, not his child. Neither of you need to feel bad or take responsibility for his poor choices. 25k is a crazy sum and one your family likely can’t afford to just lose. Imagine if worst case your DH or you were to be out of work, would BIL be loaning you money? No, he wouldn’t be in a position to. His attitude is so unbelievably selfish and entitled to even ask for such a large sum of money and I totally agree with the poster that said he views it as his mums money not your DH or yours.
You and DH need to step away from the guilt and feeling like you can ‘fix this.’ If you did lend the money I’m sorry but what’s to say you won’t be in this exact situation in a year from now with him again having burned through a huge amount.

[Littlemeadow123]

If DH does end up 'loaning' his brother 25k, make sure you get a signed contract detailing how and when it is to be paid back.

[SadOrWickedFairy]

A resounding NO to your BIL, he will drain you dry, take ALL of your savings and will effectively end up having the entirety of the inheritance from your MIL.

Ask your husband if he is prepared to sacrifice yours, his and your childrens future security for his brother because that is what he will be doing. Giving money to your BIL, and it will be giving as you will never see it again, will be to the detriment of your family, is your husband happy about this?

It is your BIL and SILs mess, they have had the same opportunity regarding the inheritance as you, their choice to blow it, they have to live with that decision and sort it out for themselves, they will never learn to manage their income if they keep being bailed out by your husband and you.

[acatcalledjohn]

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Remind your DH of this, the two cars on PCP, the expensive kitchen on finance, the high mortgage, and his DBS history of CC debt. Then ask him how he thinks his DB will repay they the loan when he is unlikely to find another job. Ask him explicitly what his brother intends to use the £25k for, if not to avoid getting a job.

I bet you he'll struggle to answer.

Lending money to family always ends in drama: either you will be out of pocket, or you'll end up falling out with BIL over it when he inevitably fails to repay you.