WIBU to say no to bailing BIL out?

[YeahWhatevver]

Really struggling to work out what to do.

DH and BIL are relatively close. BIL has never been great with money, definitely lives for the moment. Has in the past had quite a bit of credit card debt and has previously struggled with managing his money. He has (had) a decent job BIL and SIL both work, though SIL is 2 days a week. They have 2 kids.

DH and BIL inherited just under 90k each about 2.5 years ago from their Mother's estate. Nothing was ever discussed about what they were planning to do with it, we put a lot of it into the mortgage or set it aside to put into the mortgage when our fixed term ends (want to a out early repayment fees) and have put some aside for our kids (first cars/bit ot money for college)

Looks like BIL spent most of his - none of our business it's his to use as he wants.

BIL is looking like he'll imminently lose his job. And called up DH asking of he has any of mum's inheritance left as he's in a bit of a spot a figure of £25k seems to have been banded about. Annoyingly DH said yes, we've got quite a bit in savings, so BIL knows we could if we wanted to

DH has previously "loaned" BIL money for it to never be returned fully.

Our family and BIL's family have similar incomes. So it's not like DH has got lucky while BIL has been dealt a bad hand in life.
BIL has a lot bigger house, 2 nice cars lots of personal finance

I can tell DH is protective of his brother and wants to help but I really want to just say no. We've made plans around this money, made sacrifices to be in the financial position we are now and I don't see why we should squander those plans to bail out someone who has failed to take responsibility for themselves.

Problem is, I can see this creating a huge rift.

WIBU to speak to BIL and say no?

Why does he need so much, even if he is losing his job? He'll get some financial support, and hopefully be looking for another job soon. £25k is a whole year's worth of money for many people, on top of what benefits or redundancy money he'll get.

It's a flat no from me. He had his money, same as your DH. It's his own fault if he's spent it all and then some, enough to get into serious debt.

If your DH keeps bailing him out, he won't stop asking for money until he's bled you dry. BIL is not taking any responsibility for his own actions, so I wouldn't hold your breath on getting anything back if your DH does give him the money.

A relationship with a sibling is not something that has to be maintained at all costs. A sibling has to take some responsibility too.

Ask your DH if he's willing to completely write off the money, because that's what will happen. Why should BIL come ahead of your DC in getting the money, when he's already had his share?

Your brother in law needs to do what anyone else in his situation would do....sell the cars or down grade, take a mortgage holiday, get a new job or take extra hours to make more money, move house to a smaller more affordable home etc. You can't just ask family to bail you out when you have assets you can sell/downgrade. If he's got through £90k already is there something else going on? Gambling maybe?

And yes, he needs to sell one of the cars

How much does he still owe you from the last loan?

The only way I'd consider it is if he's a home owner and I got some part of that in my name with a contract saying when the debt is repaid, you change it back.

I don't know if that's possible for an individual (companies can register a charge against your property I know but no idea what if anything like that an individual can do), so if not then that would be a flat no from me!

You hand over that money without having a means to ensure recovery of it and he'll never pay you back and no doubt you'd get lots of mum would be so upset, I'm your brother, she would want you to help me... Manipulative bullshit

So the question actually is - does your husband want to give him twenty five thousand pounds on top of however much he's not yet and not likely to ever pay back.

I wouldn't be happy either! It's not your fault BIL has already spent his money. If he has financial troubles, it's up to him to sort it out as that's what you do when you're an adult. YANBU to say no at all.

There is no way he will pay it back, that's a given. So if DH gives it to him it will be gone forever.

What I would do if I was your DH is wait until BIL asks again and say, 'Oh yes, sorry I meant to tell you, we don't have it anymore as it was used to pay off part of the mortgage last week'.

Job done.

You must be v rich to just be able to give someone 25k. If you are not very rich, what on earth is your dh doing?

@7yo7yo

Don’t give him a penny. Transfer the money into an account your DH can’t touch until this madness has passed.

i would put it in an account which requires BOTH parties to sign for it, OP cannot just move the money away from DH

25k is madness. £1000 loan to pay the mortgage for a month or two would maybe be reasonable but £25,000?! You are absolutely not unreasonable to say no especially if he has form for not repaying loans.

Sell a car, or two.

Re-mortgage.

Downsize.

Your BIL is a selfish dick for asking. Whatever you decide to do, it'll cause a rift.

And to phrase it as "do you have any money left?" It's none of his business if you do or don't.

fuck that early re-payment fee, id be slapping that down on the house asap and tell bro that the wife's already spent it/ or invest it asap so there is no access to it for a 3 year term ( or at least say the wife put it in a fixed term investment)
he will spend your husbands inheritance and there will be nothing left to show for it, im sure the person who left the money would be disappointed at it just being pissed up a wall

remind your husband that it is his children who will suffer and his brother will never learn to live within his means, he will always have his hand out fro everything, and he doesnt care if everyone else pays for his lifestyle

Also, it's not actually helping BIL to continue to enable him to live beyond his means, and continue to take on debt he is unable to realistically service.

Eventually it will cause bad feelings and ill will, because this isn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last, which is going to cause resentment to almost inevitable grow, with BIL, and with you.

BIL should be directed to services which would examine his debt, incomings, and help him figure out how to live within his means and service his current debts, not enabled to get into more.

The big question that needs to be asked, is "BIL, how would you ever be able to pay this back? You haven't even paid me back fully from last time, and you've been working. And if you don't pay it back this will destroy our relationship for ever."

Sorry but your DH and you both need to say no together (united front) as that money has been put away in savings for your children that it turns out can’t be accessed again (cash is a style thing or bonds). That’s an easy way out of your husband not just saying no. Please, please do not gift someone such a large sum. What on earth does he need £25k for?!? The most DH and I have ever had to borrow was £1,000 when a genuine error left us short of rent at the same time as our wedding and my DH has paid it all off as a priority.

Your DH was wrong to in effect put the decision in your court in your BIL’s eyes. IN his shoes I would have said that’s an immediate no from me but I will discuss if we can do anything with my spouse. But it will be no where near that amount. I think your husband needs to walk this back on his own and take full responsibility for the no. Although you will undoubtedly get the blame.

This is a situation where on balance not having 100% family money would be useful because it leaves you free to act independently. I would want to be able to lend to my brother without it being an issue for my partner. But not to the tune of £25k unless it was to save a life. Anybody needing to borrow that kind of money and who hasn’t got a job isn’t helped by what is obviously them getting into more debt.

You say no and mean it. He is taking

the piss

Forgot to say that you already know he doesn't see it as your husband's money. He sees it as "mum's money" to which he feels entitled. So you already know he won't see any genuine need to pay it back and he likely won't stop till he's had it all.

I think your DH would be mad to do this!

Dh needs to tell his brother he got it wrong, it all went to the mortgage or saving for the children that he isn’t in a position to help him out. Bil will never get a grip of finances if he’s always bailed out.

No. Unless you get a repayment plan legally agreed. Or put a charge on BIL's house. Or similar. BIL evidently thinks that debts don't really count when they are within his family. Especially when it's him that owes them.
And I'd be pretty unhappy with DH as well. He shouldn't have indicated to BIL that there was any chance. BIL needs to be more responsible.

tbh OP, I think a rift is unavoidable at this stage and you are in a no-win situation now. If you don't loan BIL the money (and I don't think you should) then he'll be annoyed, and if he doesn't pay it back (which looks likely on past history) then you and your DH will be annoyed.

He's put you in this situation and I think you need to point this out to your DH and push back a little. He's not repaid previous money given to him. This would mean you and your family losing out in the future.

Any loans made to your BIL (and again, I really wouldn't advise giving him any more!) should be done through a solicitor with an agreement drawn up in advance, interest charged and consequences agreed if the repayment schedule is not adhered to.

If your DH likes to be the sensible provider and saver, there are better ways to prove it than bailing out his brother. That isn't meant as a criticism, but if it is a motivating factor for him, he needs to find another outlet.

Hope you sort it out OP.

No, YANBU. If he needs £25k, he doesn't need bailing out, he needs to change the way he lives and start taking responsibility for his own choices.

And DH needs to be very clear (to himself, as well as to his brother) that his own children's needs take priority. That's why you've got that money saved, because you want to give your children that great start in life. It's not just taking money out of savings, it's taking money away from your kids.