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AIBU not to let my husband have a girlfriend?

(266 Posts)
MoggTheCat Sat 28-Dec-19 19:11:20

Long backstory but in a nutshell: I’m 43. Married to DH for 18 years, with 4 DC aged 10 - 17. Before we had DC our sex life was normal/reasonable. After DC I had physical injuries due to difficult deliveries, which made sex painful. Struggled on for several years having painful sex approximately once a month. DH became increasingly upset over lack of intimacy and had a brief affair 5 years ago. I’ve taken antidepressants for over 20 years, which have adverse effect on my libido. DH and I get on very well as friends, enjoy each other’s company and are good parents together. But I find any form of physical intimacy impossible, such as sex, oral, kissing. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up in bed are all good. I just have no physical desire for sex whatsoever. Complicating factor is that I am definitely bisexual, possibly gay. Due to homophobic parents, I wasn’t able to consider this until my late thirties. We have previously had over a year of sex therapy with Relate, which did not help. Currently we are not having sex at all. I feel terrible about DH feeling so rejected and not having a sex life. I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy. We have discussed having a more open relationship. I do not want to see anyone else but said I wouldn’t object to him seeing an escort or similar to fulfil his sexual needs. He said he wouldn’t enjoy sex with somebody that he was paying and didn’t know well. He said the person would need to be someone that he could get to know, exchange messages with, go on dates with, etc. I feel this would be him having a proper girlfriend and I don’t think I could cope with that. But if I can’t offer him sex myself, AIBU to refuse to let him have a girlfriend? Any advice gratefully received, thank you.

OP’s posts: |
cavabiensepasser Sat 28-Dec-19 19:13:11

YABU to expect him to stay in a sexless marriage. Either divorce, or let him find what he needs somewhere else.

windycuntryside Sat 28-Dec-19 19:14:57

I would want to separate, you can co parent as friends. No I wouldn’t accept your dh proposal or yours for that matter. The solution is to separate.

BanKittenHeels Sat 28-Dec-19 19:16:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

churchandstate Sat 28-Dec-19 19:16:15

I wouldn’t let him have a girlfriend in your shoes. I would tell him the marriage was going to be sexless and let him make his call.

bettybattenburg Sat 28-Dec-19 19:16:16

YANBU. He needs to accept that you have difficulties with sex because of having children together.

FooFighter99 Sat 28-Dec-19 19:16:23

Sorry to be harsh, but what’s the point of actually being with him if you can’t stand to be touched by him? Do both yourselves a favour and call time on the relationship.

Neither of you will be happy and your kids will grow up in a toxic household where their mum flinches when their dad touches her... that’s just sad!

Branleuse Sat 28-Dec-19 19:16:30

Sorry i think maybe you need to think about splitting. If hes said this, hes already got one foot out the door.
Maybe you should both get girlfriends and meep each other as friends

TitianaTitsling Sat 28-Dec-19 19:16:36

If you feel you are possibly gay, is it being fair to either of you to remain in this relationship?

TowelStripes Sat 28-Dec-19 19:16:37

Yes, very tricky. I empathise with you both and have no advice I'm afraid.

milienhaus Sat 28-Dec-19 19:17:12

Realistically if you can’t agree terms for an open relationship you need to separate - it’s not fair on either of you as it stands.

Elieza Sat 28-Dec-19 19:17:17

You want him but you don’t want him. Confusing.

I think either he has to continue without sex if he wants to.

Or you have to accept a girlfriend - whom he will probably leave you for as he will fall in love with her. Or the one after her. At some point.

Or you split up and what he does is none of your beeswax. You can live locally and continue to coparent dcs.

Drum2018 Sat 28-Dec-19 19:17:36

You think you may be gay, you do not want sex with your husband - fgs let the man go. You need more than an open relationship. You need to divorce so that you can both move on to happier relationships.

sweeneytoddsrazor Sat 28-Dec-19 19:18:06

You either agree to it or divorce him. Him paying for it is simply grim.

Newschapter Sat 28-Dec-19 19:18:51

You're being selfish. You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him.

Let him go and find someone who appreciates him. There's no reason you and he can't be friends.

NoHummus Sat 28-Dec-19 19:20:11

It's not fair to stay with him.

CherryPlum Sat 28-Dec-19 19:20:13

Maybe you could both get a girlfriend😀

But seriously, I don't know what the solution to this situation is. Personally I don't think divorce is the way to go, if you love each other. I dunno. It's difficult.

HeddaGarbled Sat 28-Dec-19 19:20:49

Yeah, that’s going to be so easy to find a “girlfriend” who’ll be happy with that arrangement 🤷‍♀️

JKScot4 Sat 28-Dec-19 19:20:56

Please don’t use the kids as the reason to stay, I’m mystified why there’s no mention of divorce, it sounds miserable for everyone.

Queenest Sat 28-Dec-19 19:21:44

Why don’t you ask him what he wants to do. He might not actually want to separate.

Tink88 Sat 28-Dec-19 19:21:57

You need to split up. I'm not sure why you are together. You get on as friends you can co parent whilst not being a couple. You will both be happier.

windycuntryside Sat 28-Dec-19 19:22:41

What ??? @BanKittenHeels are you talking about?

ElloBrian Sat 28-Dec-19 19:23:10

It is not fair on any woman he dates to expect her to service his needs without the prospect of a meaningful and fulfilling committed relationship. Or do you think other women are merely here for your convenience?

user1471449295 Sat 28-Dec-19 19:24:41

You need to divorce and live deprecate lives and co-parent

tallulahhulah1 Sat 28-Dec-19 19:25:59

@BanKittenHeels Where did you get that she was encouraging him to rape anyone?

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