AIBU not to let my husband have a girlfriend?

[MoggTheCat]

Long backstory but in a nutshell: I’m 43. Married to DH for 18 years, with 4 DC aged 10 - 17. Before we had DC our sex life was normal/reasonable. After DC I had physical injuries due to difficult deliveries, which made sex painful. Struggled on for several years having painful sex approximately once a month. DH became increasingly upset over lack of intimacy and had a brief affair 5 years ago. I’ve taken antidepressants for over 20 years, which have adverse effect on my libido. DH and I get on very well as friends, enjoy each other’s company and are good parents together. But I find any form of physical intimacy impossible, such as sex, oral, kissing. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up in bed are all good. I just have no physical desire for sex whatsoever. Complicating factor is that I am definitely bisexual, possibly gay. Due to homophobic parents, I wasn’t able to consider this until my late thirties. We have previously had over a year of sex therapy with Relate, which did not help. Currently we are not having sex at all. I feel terrible about DH feeling so rejected and not having a sex life. I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy. We have discussed having a more open relationship. I do not want to see anyone else but said I wouldn’t object to him seeing an escort or similar to fulfil his sexual needs. He said he wouldn’t enjoy sex with somebody that he was paying and didn’t know well. He said the person would need to be someone that he could get to know, exchange messages with, go on dates with, etc. I feel this would be him having a proper girlfriend and I don’t think I could cope with that. But if I can’t offer him sex myself, AIBU to refuse to let him have a girlfriend? Any advice gratefully received, thank you.

[rhubarbarkle]

you have to be really honest with him, tell him what you wrote on here and find a new way forward, either together or apart. Don't waste anymore time.

[PinkCrayon]

I think you need to separate, you are friends not lovers.

[Daisy7654]

Divorce isn't a bloody barrel of laughs you know. I wish PP would stop advocating for it.
After you're 35 you've v slim chance of finding any man under 55 who'll consider you. And most are married just wanting to dip their wick.
And dating offline hardly exists anymore.
Not to mention the poverty, and loneliness. And what happens when you get old and ill?

[AnotherEmma]

"After you're 35 you've v slim chance of finding any man under 55 who'll consider you. And most are married just wanting to dip their wick."

She doesn't really want a man, that's the whole bloody point!

[Natsel84]

I'm sorry op , I haven't read the whole thread , but in the last few days I've seen a very similar post but from a Male's point of view .

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

@BanKittenHeels @bd67th 100% agree with you both. How people cannot see the wider issue surrounding prostitution and consent is beyond me.

OP I'm so sorry for the position you're in. For what it's worth, I don't think you're being selfish as some posters have suggested. You're injured due to giving birth to this man's children. It's not a case of you not wanting him but not wanting anyone else to have him either - if only life was so black and white.

Do you feel attracted to him anymore?
There are many other ways to have intimacy in a marriage beyond sex. There are hundreds of people who are married and have disabilities not allowing them to have sex, but they still live in intimate marriages.

If your husband's dick happened to fall into a mincing machine and he wasn't capable of having sex, would you leave him if you didn't have the injuries you have from childbirth?

I don't think any of us on here will have any answers for you, only you and he can come to a decision on how to move forward. I don't believe him using an escort will solve any issues though, as PP have said, you can NOT EVER purchase consent. It sounds as though for him, he's requiring more than sex though, otherwise if it was just about sex, he would have jumped at the chance for this. It seems he wants romance. I know it is hard with children, but is there any romance and dating within your marriage or have you slotted fully into friendship territory?

[RealBecca]

Have you considered an alternative to tbe medication with your GP?

[formerbabe]

Your poor husband.

[Babybel90]

Well I can understand why he wouldn’t want to pay someone for sex, that’s pretty grim and I wouldn’t want to be one of those people.

[lightsout]

I think it’s the lack of intimacy at all... if you find penetration painful there are other ways to be intimate but if even that is too much ...(kissing?). Is there any sexual desire there or are you simply friends now?
I think everyone wants to feel desired ... it’s sad but it really may be the end of the line and you will probably coparent wonderfully since you do get on so well otherwise x

[ahenderson270]

Hi OP I'm not going to weigh in on some of the other comments because simply I have no desire to have your thread hijacked any further than it has already.

May au suggest that together as a couple you both explore something called polyamory.

I think this would be a perfect all round solution to keeping the companionship and parenting aspect of your marriage together and the other aspects of your individual needs well cared for too.

There are every type of polyam people .. gay, lesbian,bi, gender fluid and asexual and probably much more in between and I have no doubt that with guidance from experienced polyam people and patience with each other that this is a path that could work for you.

But please, please do this together, be open, discussion is paramount! Do research via the web initially and if both of you feel safe to do so there are several private polyamory Facebook groups that will offer you boundless resources and a really open, caring and friendly community ❤️

[YouretheChristmasCarcass]

You want to have a sexless marriage. That is your absolute right. No one should be forced or coerced into sex.

He does NOT want to have a sexless marriage. That is his absolute right. No one should be denied a healthy sex life.

From what you've said, neither of you want a divorce, at least not right now.

Fine, then continue on as you are. Agree to no accusations, justifications, recriminations on either side. And just make sure that both of you understand that either of you are entitled to change the status quo at any time and ask for a divorce (rather than cheating) and the other must let that person go.

[ScaredStiff101]

As a woman who's spent time in the sex trade I'd just like to put it to you OP that women in brothels do not want your husbands hands all over them any more than you do - in fact considerably less so. Women in prostitution are there because of dire circumstances in every case I ever came across, and I came across plenty. It's just so horribly disappointing to read women lucky enough not to have endured this abuse advocating it for other women. You see the way you don't want your husband penetrating you? Well imagine having to submit to that six, eight, ten times a day under the heaving sweaty bellies of random strangers most of whom look like the living version of Barney f-ing Rubble. That is what you're contributing to when you advise your husband to use other women like some kind of walking sperm recepticles. And on the subject of your husband, do the only sane thing - leave him for God's sake and get yourself a girlfriend!

[formerbabe]

The op sounds incredibly selfish to me. It's all on her terms...including this bizarre concession that her husband can visit prostitutes. The reason you don't want him to have sex with a woman who wants to have sex with him is because you're scared he'll end up falling in love with her so you'd prefer him to pay some poor woman instead. Awful.

[WhatsInAName19]

@BanKittenHeels
I think some PP have watched Secret Diary of a Call Girl and think it's representative of the entire sex industry. They clearly either don't know or don't give a shit about the countless sex workers who are coerced by violent boyfriends/living in abject poverty/trafficked/otherwise extremely vulnerable. Sure, these women all fucking love their "jobs" and they are definitely able to exercise free will and consent Or maybe PPs think that the abused and coerced women and girls are all wearing some sort of signage that marks them out to Johns.

Regarding the OP, it's a very sad situation all round. At first I thought this was the usual situation whereby a woman suffers birth injuries delivering a couple's children, impacting her ability or desire to have sex, and the husband is a complete bastard and ends (or threatens to end) the relationship because he obviously can't possibly live without a shag. But then you started talking about your sexuality and the fact that you believe you might be gay. If you believe this to be a possibility, surely that means that you don't feel attraction or romantic love for your husband? Whilst I think that a marriage should be resilient enough to withstand one partner's loss of sexual function, I don't think it's fair to expect anyone to remain in a heterosexual marriage to a gay partner. That's a completely different kettle of fish. Does your husband know that you think you could be gay? I know a family where the husband came out as gay and left his wife after decades of marriage and three kids, who were all grown up by that point. His wife was a saint the way she handled it and actually supported him, but she was absolutely heartbroken (as were the kids) and the effect on her self esteem and mental health was catastrophic. If you think you are gay then you owe it to your husband to be truthful with him.

[xJodiex]

Well said @ScaredStiff101

[CorBlimeyGovenor]

Does the fact that he cheated not put a downer on any desire for intimacy?

[amijustparanoidorjuststoned]

OK. So, you're probably gay, don't want to have sex with your husband, have pretty much admitted that you both do not work well as a couple but are good friends and yet you don't want him to be happy and move on with his life?

Okay.......... YABU by the way.

[Onewardsup]

I’m a rape victim and I don’t find it insulting, in fact I think the belief women can be paid to be nothing more than meat to men probably increases rape.

Op you’ve made an unfair and abhorrent suggestion to a good man. Did you also know you may be gay when you married him? YAB massively U, you need to separate and co-parent that way. Set the poor man free.

[bd67th]

formerbabe Your poor husband.

OP was injured permanently by giving birth, and that's all you can say?

[beautifulstranger101]

Why on earth dont you just split? It sounds far better and simpler for everyone involved than having him date other women whilst still living in the marital home- thats not very nice for the other woman is it? she'd feel awful doing that. Just divorce and live separately, that way you can both date who the fck you want.

[Radardodgingninga]

I completely agree with @BanKittenHeels. Sex with sex workers is nearly always rape because very, very few women make a free, educated, informed choice to have sex with strangers for money. It’s forced on them through financial necessity. It’s great to see someone acknowledge and respect this in a mainstream forum

[Crazybunnylady123]

If my partner couldn’t have sex with me because it hurt there is no way I’d ever leave him. I love him and as long as he showed me love by kissing, cuddling, hand holding I know I wouldn’t give up on us.
He cheated on you when sex hurts you after you had his children. You deserve better. He should be supporting you in getting help for the issue and not engaging in sex with you when it causes pain. I think any woman in pain during sex would be put off!

[Thetruthwillout80]

What is it about him that makes you flinch? Are you disgusted by him? If so, why? Or do you think you've just fallen out of love with him? Do you resent him because of the physical/emotional scars child birth left you in? Please be honest with yourself.

I know antidepressants can suppress sex drive. What was the reason you were started on them? Was it after having kids? If it was because of relationship problems, they are clearly not helping.

Would you consider seeing your GP and seeing if s/he can offer you advice regarding your lack of sex drive? Perhaps try you on different meds?

I say this because it doesn't sound like it's all because of your husband. Sorry about the 20 questions, I just hope you have exhausted every avenue.

[formerbabe]

OP was injured permanently by giving birth, and that's all you can say

The op says she won't even kiss him...and that she's also probably gay