AIBU not to let my husband have a girlfriend?

[MoggTheCat]

Long backstory but in a nutshell: I’m 43. Married to DH for 18 years, with 4 DC aged 10 - 17. Before we had DC our sex life was normal/reasonable. After DC I had physical injuries due to difficult deliveries, which made sex painful. Struggled on for several years having painful sex approximately once a month. DH became increasingly upset over lack of intimacy and had a brief affair 5 years ago. I’ve taken antidepressants for over 20 years, which have adverse effect on my libido. DH and I get on very well as friends, enjoy each other’s company and are good parents together. But I find any form of physical intimacy impossible, such as sex, oral, kissing. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up in bed are all good. I just have no physical desire for sex whatsoever. Complicating factor is that I am definitely bisexual, possibly gay. Due to homophobic parents, I wasn’t able to consider this until my late thirties. We have previously had over a year of sex therapy with Relate, which did not help. Currently we are not having sex at all. I feel terrible about DH feeling so rejected and not having a sex life. I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy. We have discussed having a more open relationship. I do not want to see anyone else but said I wouldn’t object to him seeing an escort or similar to fulfil his sexual needs. He said he wouldn’t enjoy sex with somebody that he was paying and didn’t know well. He said the person would need to be someone that he could get to know, exchange messages with, go on dates with, etc. I feel this would be him having a proper girlfriend and I don’t think I could cope with that. But if I can’t offer him sex myself, AIBU to refuse to let him have a girlfriend? Any advice gratefully received, thank you.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!

[Time2change2]

It really astounds me on Mumsnet that so many people say ‘sexless marriage =bin it’ as a PP said, what if your spouse suffers a life changing illness or disability and is unable to have sex anymore? Is marriage so shallow these days that people chuck 18 year marriages away? Whatever happened to until death do us part? In sickness and in health? Why even take these vows if they mean nothing to you?
Obviously there are reasons in marriages to divorce (thinking abuse) but is illness / injury / sickness meaning lack of sex one of them?
There is so much more to a long term partnership than sex. How many of you are in a 30/40/50 year relationship? Is the sex still going in your 60’s / 70’s? Sex fades for many people but love can stay deep and true.

[cabingirl]

The only thing YABU about is posting a complex relationship issue like this in AIBU where many posters cannot see beyond either a black and white issue or their own personal lense.

There are many options available to you as a couple which include:

• Staying put as you are for the sake of the kids until the youngest is older
• Divorce and run two separate households
• Open marriage where each of you commits to protect the family unit and discretely satisfy any extra physical urges
• Divorce/Separate but live in one household with each partner fulfilling any other needs away from the home

And possibly lots of other options too. This is up to you and your husband. And you kids. And you finances. And how things will be accepted inside your families and your community.

[steff13]

@Time2change2

It really astounds me on Mumsnet that so many people say ‘sexless marriage =bin it’ as a PP said, what if your spouse suffers a life changing illness or disability and is unable to have sex anymore? Is marriage so shallow these days that people chuck 18 year marriages away? Whatever happened to until death do us part? In sickness and in health? Why even take these vows if they mean nothing to you?
Obviously there are reasons in marriages to divorce (thinking abuse) but is illness / injury / sickness meaning lack of sex one of them?
There is so much more to a long term partnership than sex. How many of you are in a 30/40/50 year relationship? Is the sex still going in your 60’s / 70’s? Sex fades for many people but love can stay deep and true.

The OP is gay. She has another trhead right now that her husband is seeing another woman and she doesn't like it. What is the solution there? He can't ever have sex again? Divorce would be the best choice in this case for everyone.

[Choccylips]

I think you are both to young to go on in a sexless marriage especially when your DH is needing this intimacy. I think you should let him have a girlfriend and you should explore same sex relationships. You may find your self again and eventually wean yourself off the antidepressants. Try and be positive about it, Good luck.

[ThatsnotwhatIordered]

I was kind of with you until you said about the being bisexual/gay. Having kids is tiring and I know sometimes its only once a month me and my DP get intimate as sometimes I'm just so tired from running round after DS I just can't be bothered! But I know that I'm not wanting anyone else, and I know that I'm not gay.
I think you really need to be honest with your husband, and more importantly, honest with yourself. You're not doing anyone any good by living a lie, which is basically what you are doing.

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

This thread is proof that people on here post without reading any replies

[abstractprojection]

I came in here ready to be furious at him but honestly it sounds like your relationship is over, that’s ok and it will much less destructive to think about that now then after more years of resentment, painful sex, repressed sexuality, lack of intimacy or touch, affairs, an open marriage you don’t want, a girlfriend on the side who wants to be more and so on

[abstractprojection]

The only other suggestion and it’s a risky one as neither of you can know how you’ll feel until you do it is to is to find a couple to play with but with no penetration. It could be a way of seeing if you enjoy sex without this, with a man or woman, or if this would reignite your desire for either men, woman or your husband, and for your husband to have sex with you included.

But this is not a fix for a broken marriage and can open the door just like letting him have a girlfriend though he may be surprised to find this is rather difficult to procure (oddly much more so then as a married man without permission)

[Doyoumind]

FFS. I can't believe people are still posting on this ZOMBIE. Why not try actually looking at the thread?

[Yankathebear]

The only time you’ve mentioned love is him loving you.
Do you love him?

[Yankathebear]

@Doyoumind oops

[Ghosts2020]

You've said yourself you want different, he sounds like he needs normality. Had you have said you were 1000 percent committed and he had swayed I would have criticised him, but you both need to learn to be great friends outside of the relationship and move on. If he's insinuating he wants a closer relationship more than sexual I hate to break it to you but it means he's looking for a new relationship and to gradually move on, he probably just a. Feels bad and b. You're his comfort blanket currently

[Sciencebabe]

What you need to explore is swinging. There are many websites for people (usually married people) who want to meet up just for respectable agreed upon sex with no relationship expectations. Swingers groups.

Secondly. You need to see a gynaecologist to surgically examine your vagina and see how they can stop the pain. It may be that you have a pelvic prolapse/rectocele/enterocele etc which can easily be fixed. Alternatively they could offer you a plastic surgery type treatment to enable you to have sex again.

[Doyoumind]

Ghost you respond to a thread without spending more than a second looking properly at it to realise it's a zombie and then @ me and I'm the idiot?

[steff13]

This thread was reanimated because the OP posted another thread on a similar issue today. It's not just a random zombie. She didn't mention being gay in the other thread, so someone brought it up.

[Sobeyondthehills]

@Ghosts2020 so is a thread from 2018

You couldn't take 2 fucking seconds to read the date?

[oakleaffy]

@FooFighter99

Sorry to be harsh, but what’s the point of actually being with him if you can’t stand to be touched by him? Do both yourselves a favour and call time on the relationship.

Neither of you will be happy and your kids will grow up in a toxic household where their mum flinches when their dad touches her... that’s just sad!

This with knobs on.

Separate. It is grossly unfair to expect any person to live a sexless life unless that is what they want in a partnership.

[Gobbycop]

Split up.

[Googon]

@BubblyBarbara

Do not initiate a separation or divorce! If he's expressing an interest in other women etc you can wait until he's caught with his pants down as it were and with the at fault on him rather than you as he may be able to argue now.

Yeah, then screw him for everything he's worth, right? Charming.

[madcatladyforever]

Bloody hell, "DH became increasingly upset about the lack of intimacy", he didn't really get upset about the appalling birth injuries suffered by the mother of his 4 children and the fact her life was turned upside down, only about his own lack of sex.
Throw this fucker out, it's all about him.
If this was me I'd have stayed with my partner no matter what injury they suffered - sepsis, lack of limbs, bomb blast, paraplegia because to me that's what marriage is all about. Its about supporting each other through life's trials and tribulations and making sacrifices and not putting yourself first but putting the family first.
My grandparents would have stayed together no matter what.
As his penis is the most important thing here and more important than you and the kids get rid, he is worthless.
i'd find myself a nice asexual female in your position, there are loads of them about looking for a permanent relationship.

[madcatladyforever]

What the fuck are the point of the marriage vows - in sickness and in health - if one of them runs the minute someone gets sick!!!!

[Googon]

Did you miss the part where OP said she was gay? Remind us of the bit in the marriage vow that covers that eventuality?

[BubblyBarbara]

Remind us of the bit in the marriage vow that covers that eventuality?

For better or worse. And "till death". Being gay may make the marriage worse but it's not dying is it. If it's sexless anyway sexuality doesn't matter