AIBU not to let my husband have a girlfriend?

[MoggTheCat]

Long backstory but in a nutshell: I’m 43. Married to DH for 18 years, with 4 DC aged 10 - 17. Before we had DC our sex life was normal/reasonable. After DC I had physical injuries due to difficult deliveries, which made sex painful. Struggled on for several years having painful sex approximately once a month. DH became increasingly upset over lack of intimacy and had a brief affair 5 years ago. I’ve taken antidepressants for over 20 years, which have adverse effect on my libido. DH and I get on very well as friends, enjoy each other’s company and are good parents together. But I find any form of physical intimacy impossible, such as sex, oral, kissing. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up in bed are all good. I just have no physical desire for sex whatsoever. Complicating factor is that I am definitely bisexual, possibly gay. Due to homophobic parents, I wasn’t able to consider this until my late thirties. We have previously had over a year of sex therapy with Relate, which did not help. Currently we are not having sex at all. I feel terrible about DH feeling so rejected and not having a sex life. I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy. We have discussed having a more open relationship. I do not want to see anyone else but said I wouldn’t object to him seeing an escort or similar to fulfil his sexual needs. He said he wouldn’t enjoy sex with somebody that he was paying and didn’t know well. He said the person would need to be someone that he could get to know, exchange messages with, go on dates with, etc. I feel this would be him having a proper girlfriend and I don’t think I could cope with that. But if I can’t offer him sex myself, AIBU to refuse to let him have a girlfriend? Any advice gratefully received, thank you.

[Beautiful3]

I don't think that it's fair on both of you to carry on, or for him to get a girlfriend. You should separate. What is the point of a sexless relationship? That's unfair on both of you. Both of you should end it with each other, in order to meet someone.

[shitpark]

Your only option is to separate. You need to do this amicably and while you can still remain friends for the sake of the children, before animosity builds between you. You could still be friends and good parents with a family structure. But you need to let him go. Neither one of you is happy, just do it for yourself and your children

[bd67th]

Me: [a PP] was suggesting that prostitution is inherently rape

PhilCornwall1: I think that's an insult to anyone who is a victim of rape.

Rape victim and CSA victim here. I don't find it an insult. Please don't presume to speak for victims of rape, especially you do so to defend a practice that is fundamentally predicated on the assumption that female bodies are rentable and therefore akin to property.

[ShawshanksRedemption]

@MoggTheCat Have you had therapy for yourself? You may have PTSD for example after multiple difficult deliveries. This in turn may be colouring your whole view of yourself and sex. You may or may not be gay or bi, but I think working through whatever is turning you off intimacy/sex, whoever that may be in the future, is worth looking into.

I get the feeling you have just dampened down (cut off?) your own feelings and desires and I think you could benefit from looking at why.

[Sushiroller]

Sad situation all round but it sounds like you need to divorce

[JeSuisPrest]

I think you need to be completely honest with yourself about whether you would be more intimate with him (kissing/caressing/mutual masturbation) if you didn't have sexual desires for women? If you didnt have the birth injuries would you want to have sex with your DH, or would it still be just to keep him happy, whilst denying your own desires to explore your own sexuality?

Lots of couple have sexual issues and manage to still find an element of fulfilment which keeps them both satisfied that doesn't involve swinging from chandeliers and 4 times a week PIV sex.

Possibly the birth injuries are a red herring which are masking the real issues as to why you do not wish to have intimacy with him? The affair must have also shook you to the core and killed any romantic attachment you have to him which is now why you can only consider him as a best friend/co parent partner.

I feel for both of you.

[TheBigMansWife]

this is so sad i hope you are ok but i really feel for your husband its so unfair to deprive him of intimacy because you dont desire it,, marriage is about give and take and sometimes we have to please them when we cant be arsed and vice versa, but you truly are being unreasonable to expect him to stay and not give him what he craves, he sounds like an amazing man staying all those years and standing by you all the while being rejected.. he obviously loves you so much and for him not to want to have sex with anyone unless he knows them and can date etc proves how nice he is.. if this was me and im only saying IF it was me .. i would wean myself off my antidepresents and go to the gym to release endorphins and boost my sex drive so that i could TRY to give back to my husband after him standing by me all those years then if that did not work then at least id know i had TRIED its one thing to lie on your back and let him do what he wants but its more meaningful if you actually try .. if you cant be bothered doing that for him you need to let the man go out of love for him. depression is a state of mind caused by chemical imbalance in the brain you can choose to change it through cognitive behaviour therapy and ways to balance the chemical imbalances (that are not a choice and cant be helped) that causes depression but it usually involves being active and changing your mindset with professional help to learn how to get up and go .. i really feel for you both

[BanKittenHeels]

Where did you get that she was encouraging him to rape anyone?

I don’t want to derail the thread but buying another human for sex is rape.
There are many other places to discuss this on MN, so I don’t want dive too deeply.

[Bentoforthehorde]

Bloody women swanning off and having babies, getting themselves injured and refusing to have painful sex.
Thousands of poor men are suffering right now from this.
It's only a matter of time before that poor husbands dick falls off from lack of sex, then he's not really a man at all is he?
Oh wait, that's not a thing. And I'm assuming the children were created as a partnership.
OP Find out if there's anything you can do to improve your sex life, for YOU. You're being forced to give up sex because of the pain it's not like you've just decided you can't be arsed, fucks sake.
Also take some time to discover how you feel about your sexuality, being gay would sadly be the end of your marriage but the start of a new life.
Take care.

[AnotherEmma]

YABU. End the relationship and date some women. Set both of you free.

[BanKittenHeels]

An escort has to consent.

Sure.

[CFlemingSmith]

@BanKittenHeels feel stupid here, but how on earth has rape come into this!

[AnotherEmma]

Some people believe that prostitution is a form of rape. It is seen as coercion because the person is being paid for sex. But on this thread it's a derail.

[CFlemingSmith]

@BanKittenHeels Sorry just seen your other absolutely stupid and totally illogical reply

[MoggTheCat]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply, I really appreciate all of your responses.

I agree that it is unreasonable of me to expect my DH to remain in a sexless marriage. The situation has troubled me greatly and I have spent a long time trying hard to find a solution. I hope I’m not a nasty, selfish person as I do want him to be happy. He is generally a decent bloke, although I have found it hard to get over his affair. I do understand why he cheated on me though and feel I need to take a sizeable share of the blame for that.

With regard to talking to my GP, I have several medical professionals including a women’s hormone clinic and a private gynaecologist. I was diagnosed with vulval vestibulitis and have also had surgery to remove scar tissue left behind after giving birth. It improved the pain a bit but not completely. I have also consulted a private psychiatrist in an attempt to cut down or change my antidepressant medication, to see if that would improve my libido.

I have talked to my DH about what he wants. At the moment he is content to stay as we are a happy family unit and he doesn’t want to disrupt our children or see them less. He also says he loves me and doesn’t want us to split up, but he’s not sure that he can cope without physical intimacy in the long term. So he can’t make any promises about the future.

As many of you have suggested, the obvious thing would be for us to divorce. That is a distressing thing for either of us to contemplate but I accept that it may be the only solution in the end.

I have had extensive individual therapy to try and unpick the issues around my sexuality but it’s complicated and perhaps I am just trying to avoid the obvious answer which so many of you have suggested would be kindest for both of us.

[BanKittenHeels]

I (as a former child and teen sold by men to other men for sex) believe that you can not consent to sex when money changes hands.
I won’t be discussing this further on this thread because I don’t want to derail it further for the OP. If you want to start another thread about the topic and drop me a PM with the link, I’ll happily join in.

[BloggersBlog]

What @bettybattenburg and @BrendasUmbrella said (hope Ive tagged the right posters!). The reason you have felt like this is because of giving birth to HIS children. So him going and having an affair for something he 50% caused is a bit rich! It isnt your fault.

The gay/bisexual situation is a different matter, and if that is the case then for both your sakes you need to go your separate ways if that is what you choose.

[AnotherEmma]

Bankittenheels (and fwiw I agree with you)

[CakeandCustard28]

Divorcing each other would be the kindest thing to do. You can still have the family unit and remain friends, but if your possibly gay and he’s already had an affair from this then it’s not going to get any better. You’ll end up resenting each other.

[bd67th]

OP, I wonder if you find kissing impossible because you fear where it will lead (specifically, to PIV that you know will hurt)? If your H promised no PIV and he would sort out any erection by himself, would kissing be acceptable?

I know myself that when I've had post-coital cystitis, I've avoided all physical contact for weeks or even months after because of what it might lead to (PIV sex and another cystitis bout).

[BrendasUmbrella]

i really feel for your husband its so unfair to deprive him of intimacy because you dont desire it

She said clearly, sex causes her pain. Still unfair?

[bd67th]

BanKittenHeels

[Purpleartichoke]

I feel for both of you. It’s a hard position to be in. I wouldn’t be ok with DH having a girlfriend either and I definitely would never agree to exchanging money for sex. If the only issue were your injury and medication side-effects, I would think him considering leaving Or seeking another relationship absolutely awful, but since your sexuality might also be an issue, I have sympathy for him.

I think the only thing the two of you can do is keep talking and keep an open mind. It’s possible as the kids get older, your desire for physical intimacy may change. It’s also possible that as he gets older, his desires may change as well. It’s possible you may end up in the same place in terms of physical desires eventually. Really all you can do for now is be good friends and good co-parents and try not to have too much anger if one or the other of you decides it’s time to move on.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

bd67th Thank you for that eloquent exposition of a feeling I have struggled to put into words. Genuinely helpful.
BanKittenHeels Thank you too for your contributions. I do not have the words to express how sorry I am at what you went through but the context and insight from someone who truly knows is vital if we are to understand and resist the normalisation of the utterly unacceptable.
I apologise that this post does not address the concerns of the OP but occasionally you learn something from the wider discussion in a thread that should be acknowledged.

[ChristmasCarcass]

was suggesting that prostitution is inherently rape

I think that's an insult to anyone who is a victim of rape.

My stranger rapist made it onto Crimewatch, if that is “real rape” enough for you Phil. And I completely agree with BanKittenHeels re:trafficking and coercion. Men who use escorts are vile people, without exception.