AIBU not to let my husband have a girlfriend?

[MoggTheCat]

Long backstory but in a nutshell: I’m 43. Married to DH for 18 years, with 4 DC aged 10 - 17. Before we had DC our sex life was normal/reasonable. After DC I had physical injuries due to difficult deliveries, which made sex painful. Struggled on for several years having painful sex approximately once a month. DH became increasingly upset over lack of intimacy and had a brief affair 5 years ago. I’ve taken antidepressants for over 20 years, which have adverse effect on my libido. DH and I get on very well as friends, enjoy each other’s company and are good parents together. But I find any form of physical intimacy impossible, such as sex, oral, kissing. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up in bed are all good. I just have no physical desire for sex whatsoever. Complicating factor is that I am definitely bisexual, possibly gay. Due to homophobic parents, I wasn’t able to consider this until my late thirties. We have previously had over a year of sex therapy with Relate, which did not help. Currently we are not having sex at all. I feel terrible about DH feeling so rejected and not having a sex life. I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy. We have discussed having a more open relationship. I do not want to see anyone else but said I wouldn’t object to him seeing an escort or similar to fulfil his sexual needs. He said he wouldn’t enjoy sex with somebody that he was paying and didn’t know well. He said the person would need to be someone that he could get to know, exchange messages with, go on dates with, etc. I feel this would be him having a proper girlfriend and I don’t think I could cope with that. But if I can’t offer him sex myself, AIBU to refuse to let him have a girlfriend? Any advice gratefully received, thank you.

[BubblyBarbara]

What I am saying is that thinking a spouse is only a roommate if they won't have sex with you is similarly outdated thinking yet it is very often trotted out here on MN as well as in this thread. If sex is the "point" of a marriage for these people then why not having children? That's what sex produces after all.

[Googon]

@BubblyBarbara

The way some people talk here you’d swear that sex was all there was to a marriage

"Being married without having sex is basically having a roommate" is a MN catchphrase! It's ridiculous since the point of sex is to produce children so having children is really the original point of marriage. Yet if you said a marriage without children is basically just having a live in friend with benefits youd be crucified

Barbara, if you don't mind me asking, are you a time traveller? I'm pretty sure nobody has considered the only purpose of marriage being to produce children for at least 60 years. Either that or you're a master troll; in that case, I take my hat off to you. Your powers are legendary.

[BubblyBarbara]

The way some people talk here you’d swear that sex was all there was to a marriage

"Being married without having sex is basically having a roommate" is a MN catchphrase! It's ridiculous since the point of sex is to produce children so having children is really the original point of marriage. Yet if you said a marriage without children is basically just having a live in friend with benefits youd be crucified

[Frankola]

Given your circumstances id say you have 2 options.

1.
Separate and co-parent as friends

2.
Open up your marriage. Your DH can fulfil his intimate needs with a frequent partner and you can explore your own sexuality

[DelilahfromDevon]

The way some people talk here you’d swear that sex was all there was to a marriage. Either have sex or separate?

For me, an open relationship would probably be the beginning of the end of our relationship so I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be against it.

[jacks11]

I think that, in the circumstances, you need to either agree on how an open relationship would work (and I really do think it’s grim to suggest he use a prostitute) or make the decision to end the marriage.

I’m not convinced this marriage is fair on either of you, and I doubt either one is having their needs met. You should not feel pressure to have any sort of intimate relationship with him, if that’s not what you want. Equally, your husband is entitled to have a fulfilling sexual relationship, not marriage to a friend, if that’s what he wants. You can be very good co-parents without staying married.

I think that if you leave this unaddressed, he will probably have another affair eventually. This will be messy and harder for all involved than if you amicably split now.

[JinglingHellsBells]

Thank you @HisNibs

[Elsewyre]

@bettybattenburg

YANBU. He needs to accept that you have difficulties with sex because of having children together.

Children made her gay?

[Googon]

@BubblyBarbara

Remind us of the bit in the marriage vow that covers that eventuality?

For better or worse. And "till death". Being gay may make the marriage worse but it's not dying is it. If it's sexless anyway sexuality doesn't matter

Maybe they should re script that bit to say " I promise to love, honour, and cherish you until I can construct a situation which leaves me in a position to get more out of you when we divorce".

[Googon]

@BubblyBarbara

Remind us of the bit in the marriage vow that covers that eventuality?

For better or worse. And "till death". Being gay may make the marriage worse but it's not dying is it. If it's sexless anyway sexuality doesn't matter

What?

[HisNibs]

@JinglingHellsBells it's because yesterday, the OP started a new thread that follows on from this one whilst at the same time omitting lots of the information in this thread. Especially the part about being gay.
That new thread has since been moved to relationships... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4036406-AIBU-to-struggle-with-my-husband-s-girlfriend?pg=1
One of the posters put a reply yesterday on this thread (instead of the new one) which resurrected it.

[LasagneQueen]

I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy

Sadly I think you're right. The best thing would be to let him go amicably and enjoy a positive friendship and co-parenting arrangement before it reaches a point where that is no longer possible

[Marmitecrackers]

You are being really unreasonable. You can't expect anyone to stay in a sexless marriage. You go into marriage thinking sex is part of it.

[Newmumatlast]

If it were just the sexless marriage bit then actually I think as it's a result of having children together it would be really unfair for him to do anything you dont both agree to. If he wanted to split though, that is his choice. The issue here is you've also said that you are likely gay. It's completely unreasonable to him and yourself to stay in a sexless relationship where there isnt even an attraction and he knows you arent interested

[JinglingHellsBells]

AIBU to wonder why someone trawled MN for a thread that is almost a year old and resurrected it?

[BubblyBarbara]

Remind us of the bit in the marriage vow that covers that eventuality?

For better or worse. And "till death". Being gay may make the marriage worse but it's not dying is it. If it's sexless anyway sexuality doesn't matter

[Googon]

Did you miss the part where OP said she was gay? Remind us of the bit in the marriage vow that covers that eventuality?

[madcatladyforever]

What the fuck are the point of the marriage vows - in sickness and in health - if one of them runs the minute someone gets sick!!!!

[madcatladyforever]

Bloody hell, "DH became increasingly upset about the lack of intimacy", he didn't really get upset about the appalling birth injuries suffered by the mother of his 4 children and the fact her life was turned upside down, only about his own lack of sex.
Throw this fucker out, it's all about him.
If this was me I'd have stayed with my partner no matter what injury they suffered - sepsis, lack of limbs, bomb blast, paraplegia because to me that's what marriage is all about. Its about supporting each other through life's trials and tribulations and making sacrifices and not putting yourself first but putting the family first.
My grandparents would have stayed together no matter what.
As his penis is the most important thing here and more important than you and the kids get rid, he is worthless.
i'd find myself a nice asexual female in your position, there are loads of them about looking for a permanent relationship.

[Googon]

@BubblyBarbara

Do not initiate a separation or divorce! If he's expressing an interest in other women etc you can wait until he's caught with his pants down as it were and with the at fault on him rather than you as he may be able to argue now.

Yeah, then screw him for everything he's worth, right? Charming.

[Gobbycop]

Split up.

[oakleaffy]

@FooFighter99

Sorry to be harsh, but what’s the point of actually being with him if you can’t stand to be touched by him? Do both yourselves a favour and call time on the relationship.

Neither of you will be happy and your kids will grow up in a toxic household where their mum flinches when their dad touches her... that’s just sad!

This with knobs on.

Separate. It is grossly unfair to expect any person to live a sexless life unless that is what they want in a partnership.

[Sobeyondthehills]

@Ghosts2020 so is a thread from 2018

You couldn't take 2 fucking seconds to read the date?

[steff13]

This thread was reanimated because the OP posted another thread on a similar issue today. It's not just a random zombie. She didn't mention being gay in the other thread, so someone brought it up.

[Doyoumind]

Ghost you respond to a thread without spending more than a second looking properly at it to realise it's a zombie and then @ me and I'm the idiot?