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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to let my husband have a girlfriend?

265 replies

MoggTheCat · 28/12/2019 19:11

Long backstory but in a nutshell: I’m 43. Married to DH for 18 years, with 4 DC aged 10 - 17. Before we had DC our sex life was normal/reasonable. After DC I had physical injuries due to difficult deliveries, which made sex painful. Struggled on for several years having painful sex approximately once a month. DH became increasingly upset over lack of intimacy and had a brief affair 5 years ago. I’ve taken antidepressants for over 20 years, which have adverse effect on my libido. DH and I get on very well as friends, enjoy each other’s company and are good parents together. But I find any form of physical intimacy impossible, such as sex, oral, kissing. Holding hands, hugging, cuddling up in bed are all good. I just have no physical desire for sex whatsoever. Complicating factor is that I am definitely bisexual, possibly gay. Due to homophobic parents, I wasn’t able to consider this until my late thirties. We have previously had over a year of sex therapy with Relate, which did not help. Currently we are not having sex at all. I feel terrible about DH feeling so rejected and not having a sex life. I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy. We have discussed having a more open relationship. I do not want to see anyone else but said I wouldn’t object to him seeing an escort or similar to fulfil his sexual needs. He said he wouldn’t enjoy sex with somebody that he was paying and didn’t know well. He said the person would need to be someone that he could get to know, exchange messages with, go on dates with, etc. I feel this would be him having a proper girlfriend and I don’t think I could cope with that. But if I can’t offer him sex myself, AIBU to refuse to let him have a girlfriend? Any advice gratefully received, thank you.

OP posts:
LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 28/12/2019 19:28

Could you share a girlfriend?

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2019 19:29

Your relationship is over and you’ll both be happier when you accept it.

midnightmisssuki · 28/12/2019 19:32

Sorry but you are being very selfish. You want him but you don’t want him? I’m so sorry for your situation but YABU. Separate or divorce him - move on and be happy without each other as it sounds miserable now!

Tetran · 28/12/2019 19:33

I think you should be kind and let him go, it's not just about sex is it, and he sounds like a decent bloke for not wanting no strings paid sex with a stranger.

PinkiOcelot · 28/12/2019 19:34

I don’t think there’s a woman on this earth who would agree to that crap set up.

I think the easiest thing to do would be to separate.

TheTrollFairy · 28/12/2019 19:35

Have you seen any surgeon about your injuries?
I think you need to separate, you have said that you are probably gay, you don’t want sex (regardless of with him or not) but I suspect that some of this is down to the fact you are attracted to woman?

CombyourhairNow · 28/12/2019 19:36

You need to separate for both your benefit. You both want different things out of a relationship. Neither is wrong, but I think you need to face facts that this isn’t going to work.

I suspect you’re unlikely to willingly end it, as right now it’s beneficial to you. As you don’t want to have sex so you’re not....Right now, it’s not beneficial to him as he does want to have sex.

Now your saying you think you could be gay, well do the descent thing and set him free. Don’t waste any more of his time.

DeathStare · 28/12/2019 19:38

Oh OP I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here, but then it is AIBU! I don't think you are being selfish - or at least no more so than everyone is in life.

I understand why you don't want to lose someone you have such a good relationship with in many ways. I also understand why he wants that intimacy and struggles without it. And I understand why you wouldn't want him to have a girlfriend. AND I understand why he wouldn't want to pay for sex (and I do think asking that of him was unreasonable).

I think people saying you need to divorce are over-simplifying a very complex issue. I think you would probably benefit from some couple's counselling - not sex therapy - looking at what you both want from your marriage and whether each of you can offer enough of what the other wants to be happy, and whether there are areas for compromise.

It may be as a result of that you do end up divorced (or it maybe that you find a different solution) but I completely get why you wouldn't want to think of that as the first option.

MunaZaldrizoti · 28/12/2019 19:39

@28LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook

You don't share people like they are bars of chocolate.

bd67th · 28/12/2019 19:39

BanKittenHeels was suggesting that prostitution is inherently rape of the prostituted. This is because consent in return for money isn't actually consent, it's "my poverty, but not my will, consents" and puts the buyer in the position of "I pay thy poverty, and not thy will" aka "I don't care whether you actually want me to fuck you, I'm going to pay you to let me whether you want my dick or not". As PPs have said, that's grim at best and rape at worst.

OP, if the sex has gone then the most respectful thing to do is to divorce and make arrangements to co-parent your children.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/12/2019 19:40

I feel it is unfair to expect him to stay with me if I cannot provide sex and intimacy

You're right, really. And offering to let him pay for sex is neither here nor there.

It sounds like you've decided that you're probably gay, but you're happy not to explore that as long as you don't have to have sex? But that means you'll both be in a sexless relationship for the rest of your lives...

You need to talk to him. Realistically this is likely to be the end of the road for you both. You both deserve the chance to be happy with someone else.

misspiggy19 · 28/12/2019 19:40

YABU to expect him to stay in a sexless marriage. Either divorce, or let him find what he needs somewhere else.

^I agree. You are being very selfish.

butterflywings37 · 28/12/2019 19:42

YABU
You both need more out of a relationship and you aren't even sure you want a man.

Interestedwoman · 28/12/2019 19:45

Him asking to go on dates with someone is dodgy IMO. If it's genuinely just for sex rather than trying to find a replacement for you, he could find someone through a site like Fabswingers.

FalalalalaloreanFortescue · 28/12/2019 19:45

YABU, he can't be expected to pay for meaningless sex for the rest of his life. You need to leave him so he can live a good life.

Mitzicoco · 28/12/2019 19:45

I don't think that you are being selfish at all. I n fact it sounds like you have invested alot of time and thought into all of this. I Don't know what the answer is, but it isn't always divorce.

Veterinari · 28/12/2019 19:48

@BanKittenHeels is right - the vast majority of women ‘employed’ in brothels/working as prostitutes or escorts are enslaved or otherwise coerced. That is rape. I’m not sure why any woman would encourage their husband to use women in this way rather than divorcing and encouraging healthy relationships.

OP your DH sounds like a decent man. On the other hand you sound very troubled and should examine why you are clinging onto this unhealthy relationship.

CanIHaveADrink · 28/12/2019 19:48

YANBU
These are your boundaries and what you feel is ok or not.
It is then up to HIM to decide if this is an acceptable situation or not FOR HIM. I really don’t think it is up to you to decide what he will find acceptable or not. (Not should any poster on this thread. Whatever answer you are getting is the reflection of what THEY think is acceptable or not, not what your DH thinks is acceptable or not)

You need to talk some more @MoggTheCat. And see what is working or not for you, in the full knowledge that it is possible he will not accept to not have sex ever again and that you will separate.

madcatladyforever · 28/12/2019 19:48

Dump him and find yourself a nice girlfriend. You've had his 4 children yet his Penis seems to be more important to him than you and his children.

Biscusting · 28/12/2019 19:49

I’m surprised how many are saying chuck an 18 year marriage in the bin because the OP finds sex painful after difficult multiple births. Did I read correctly that all other physical contact is okay?
Just wonder, heaven forbid the OP had developed a disability that prevented them having physical relationship, would the response still be the same!?

Interestedwoman · 28/12/2019 19:49

I suppose the gay thing is a different matter, you could explore that yourself, but as a bi woman msyself I understand how hard it gets when you're a bit older and don't have much experience/confidence.

fluffyjumper · 28/12/2019 19:49

It's a hard one, I couldn't be in a sexless marriage.

ohprettybaby · 28/12/2019 19:51

@BanKittenHeels
Why would you encourage someone you love in any way shape or form to rape?
Where has the OP done that? Using an escort isn't rape. An escort has to consent.

CanIHaveADrink · 28/12/2019 19:51

Btw,
he can't be expected to pay for meaningless sex for the rest of his life. You need to leave him so he can live a good life.
What a lot of rubbish! Can anyone, bar the DH, can really decide what HE will consider is a good life?!?
This guy might decide he can’t live wo sex. OR he might decide keeping his family is more important. Who are those people who think they can decide for HIM? Or think that the OP should decide FOR HIM?
Fgs, let this man take decisions for himself!

Teaandcrisps · 28/12/2019 19:51

Why dont you want to give it a go with an open relationship? I wonder if you OH already has someone in mind?

Your options are:
Have sex with your OH and youre unhappy
Dont have sex with your OH and OH is unhappy
Have an open relationship - he gets sex and you get to not have sex. Only you're worried that OH will find a full relationship and leave you
You ask OH to use prostitutes and he doesn't want to - stalemate
Let each other go respectfully and each find happiness

I'm sorry OP but the relationship sounds like its run its course.

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