dumped for being a bitch?(188 Posts)
At the first sign of argument. I am in my 20s, he is in his 30s.
Me and boyfriend were still really in an (extended) honeymoon period of lovey dovey stuff up until about a month ago. He got a promotion, I graduated from a post-grad and looking for work, my mother got ill, he moved house - normal life stuff, but stressful none the less.
My boyfriend copes with stress poorly. In the past has suffered appalling mental health (has attempted to take his life before I knew him) and is in a family situation in which he is taken advantage of financially. Perhaps because of his culture, he is still expected to give money to his sister (who works) and his mother (who abused him physically/mentally as a child). He is approaching being broke, as am I. Difference of course, is he has promotion, but obviously more stress with longer hours.
Anyway, things were going amazingly until three weeks ago. He was distant because of the stress. In the night he would wake and pace the room writing lists of budgets etc. He confided in me that his family situation was getting him down. I comforted him and reassured him that his feelings were valid, and tried to offer practical help like painting his new house whilst he was at work, doing his laundry etc., and made his meals/batched cooked and froze some meals for when I wasn't there. I know it's not much but in my position it was the most I could do.
We've had two "disagreements" in the entirety of our relationship. I say disagreement because it never escalates to an argument - I have never raised my voice or sworn at him, and he hasn't to me. The disagreements have literally been "nagging" at most from me, but in my mind not unreasonable nagging? The first time was asking him when he would be back from seeing a friend for a coffee during a weekend at his house (we are LDR: said he would be back at one time and after an hour passed this I said: "what time will you be back? do you want any dinner?" Apparently that was disrespectful.
Second time was about porn. He makes a point of not watching it I'm not trying to be a cool girlfriend here, but I really don't care if my partners do watch it. I mean, there are circumstances in which it would piss me off - e.g. if it was chosen over me, but generally couldn't care less. Anyway, he makes a point of saying how he hates the sexualisation of women. He uses social media for his business and unfollows/deletes women regularly who post selfies etc. He says porn makes him feel uncomfortable. He hates feelings of "lust". He won't talk about sex. He says that lust ruins lives (his father cheated on his mother, his sister cheated with his best friend, his first girlfriend cheated on him...)
So a few weeks ago, I was on Instagram and saw that he had liked a picture of a pornstar (well known) so I called him asking why he had done that, when he said he hated stuff like that. He wouldn't discuss it saying he couldn't remember doing it. Conversation lasted 2 minutes if that. I apologised immediately - said that I appreciate it wasn't a major issue considering our current stresses, and that I had had a bad day etc., and I didn't particularly care.
But he wouldn't let it go. Like I said, I never raise my voice to him, I didn't swear - I just asked a question, because in my mind it seemed so unlike him (and it was on his business page).
Anyway, after a week of him effectively sulking and making me feel bad, I apologised again and said it didn't really bother me BUT that I stand by the fact I mentioned it, because it was previously discussed as something he wouldn't do, and it was more a discussion that an argument.
He said I was making him feel guilty, accusing him of being lustful and how could he ever open up to me again when I twisted his words so much? That he can't see past this ... Why did I have to make him feel bad? I thought I was his soulmate etc etc. He said I had put pressure on him.
I am honestly shocked. The level of overreaction on my behalf is something i will own, and take responsibility for, especially considering his circumstances. I said I understood that he was feel pressures, and that I had added to them, but that ultimately, I was on his side, was willing to work at us etc... he said he thinks we should break up, he was confused, that the last few weeks had been weird
We haven't spoken since this meeting. It was nearly a week ago. I told him I was willing to meet again if he wanted to, but this hasn't been discussed.
Was I unreasonable?
No. It sounds like whether its porn or family dynamics, hes struggling to straddle two different cultures. Just let him go.
YWNBU - it seems as though he was looking for a reason to break up rather than just tell you it was over. It shouldn’t be this hard so early on in the relationship OP
He sounds like massively hard work.
You shouldn’t have to analyse every conversation like this.
I think you two should break up aswell. He sounds very very manipulative and controlling and it sounds like you're walking on eggshells around him. Also, grow a back bone woman and stop with trying to be the little woman for him
Not exactly the same but i put up with someone with MH issues for 15 years. I felt tethered to his potential- waiting for him to get better and be the man i knew he could be/was underneath.
Well. I waited 15 years and now he's fucked off to try and be that man for someone else. Dont waste your life waiting. Don't tie yourself to him with children. Run as far and as fast as you can and find someone healthy and sane to build a life with.
Fucking hell, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Please tell me you're mature enough to know this man is covered in red flags. He's a sulking, controlling, manipulative twat with serious sexual hang ups as well. Dump and block.
How big is the age gap?
He sounds like hard work at the best of times. Stop second guessing yourself and move on.
You've dodged a bullet here and in a roundabout way he is doing you a favour. Take some time to focus on yourself and what your needs in life are. This guy wasn't the one....
he sounds unhinged. Run op. See this’s as your lucky escape!
He has too many issues. Noone can help him but himself. Just call it a day and move on to someone more suitable.
He clearly has huge, HUGE issues with sex that are always going to be an issue. I would suspect he had a second Instagram account he uses just for porn things that is “hidden,” and accidentally used his business account instead OR he just views porn accounts without liking posts and liked one accidentally. But he is suffering from cognitive dissonance - i.e. he thinks lust is bad, he thinks he is not a bad person, therefore he cannot be feeling lust, EXCEPT he is, so he views pornstars on Instagram, feels horribly guilty, and then the cycle starts again. Anyone who says anything about it he will lash out at, and you got a helping of that. You did nothing wrong.
There also is a huge family problem. They are putting their financial well-being over his personal well-being and he’s letting them. And he doesn’t want your input or support to get that dynamic to stop, so I imagine it will continue forever. You can support him in all the other ways you want, but as long as his family is financially abusing him and he won’t cut them off, it will be like putting a sticking plaster on a stabbing wound.
He’s not ready to fix any of these problems AND he’s already in his 30s without fixing them, and you’re too young to get caught in his mess. In fact, you’ll always be too young to be caught in that mess, even at 70.
Sorry, OP. It’s over. Find someone who will treat you better and not make you walk on eggshells.
He has done you a favour, don't let him try and talk you back. I wouldn't be with someone not able to tell his family to get stuffed over finances like that for a start.
You'll be a mummy to this manchild all your life IF you aren't careful.
You'll be a shell of a woman after treading on eggshells for the rest if your life.
I don't thinks it's age or culture; I think he's probably faking all the equality he's spouting and is actually quite traditional, even with misogynistic streaks. You spotted hypocrisy and you drew his attention to it and now you are the bad guy because you cracked his image.
You have seen, heard and experienced enough to know who he really is now. This won't get better, only worse. You woukd be walking on eggshells or worse forever.
Let him go.
YANBU at all. Sounds like you've dodged a bullet, to be honest.
Let him go - sounds like he has far too much going on for you to deal with.
Appreciate your good fortune.
5 years isn’t massive, that’s true. But if he doesn’t have his shot together in his 30s when will he? Plus it sounds like he protests too much on the porn thing. Suspect the truth is he’s well into porn but lies and self loathes over it.
So many red flags!
Stay well away from him and this relationship. This is NOT about culture. He is fucked up. Run for the hills.
ps expect wailing, sobbing, you're his life etc when you don't play to his tune. DO NOT fall for it.
Definitely something weird going on sexually too. Very odd behaviour.
I don’t understand how you expect someone who never watches porn to know who the porn stars are? I don’t watch it and I don’t care how well known the star is, I’d have zero idea if a photo were of one or not.
Unless the porn star’s photo that he liked was sexually suggestive or had a caption “see in my next movie of Venus does her Anus in” , you don’t have a leg to stand on. In fact by nagging at him about liking the photo you are de facto calling him a liar in regards to porn. I would find that really disturbing and stressful to think that my partner is so insecure she looks for reasons to not trust me. (And I am a woman)
You called him out on his lies. There are probably more...and worse.
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