Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

AIBU?

dumped for being a bitch?

187 replies

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 15:08

At the first sign of argument. I am in my 20s, he is in his 30s.

Me and boyfriend were still really in an (extended) honeymoon period of lovey dovey stuff up until about a month ago. He got a promotion, I graduated from a post-grad and looking for work, my mother got ill, he moved house - normal life stuff, but stressful none the less.

My boyfriend copes with stress poorly. In the past has suffered appalling mental health (has attempted to take his life before I knew him) and is in a family situation in which he is taken advantage of financially. Perhaps because of his culture, he is still expected to give money to his sister (who works) and his mother (who abused him physically/mentally as a child). He is approaching being broke, as am I. Difference of course, is he has promotion, but obviously more stress with longer hours.

Anyway, things were going amazingly until three weeks ago. He was distant because of the stress. In the night he would wake and pace the room writing lists of budgets etc. He confided in me that his family situation was getting him down. I comforted him and reassured him that his feelings were valid, and tried to offer practical help like painting his new house whilst he was at work, doing his laundry etc., and made his meals/batched cooked and froze some meals for when I wasn't there. I know it's not much but in my position it was the most I could do.

We've had two "disagreements" in the entirety of our relationship. I say disagreement because it never escalates to an argument - I have never raised my voice or sworn at him, and he hasn't to me. The disagreements have literally been "nagging" at most from me, but in my mind not unreasonable nagging? The first time was asking him when he would be back from seeing a friend for a coffee during a weekend at his house (we are LDR: said he would be back at one time and after an hour passed this I said: "what time will you be back? :) do you want any dinner?" Apparently that was disrespectful.

Second time was about porn. He makes a point of not watching it I'm not trying to be a cool girlfriend here, but I really don't care if my partners do watch it. I mean, there are circumstances in which it would piss me off - e.g. if it was chosen over me, but generally couldn't care less. Anyway, he makes a point of saying how he hates the sexualisation of women. He uses social media for his business and unfollows/deletes women regularly who post selfies etc. He says porn makes him feel uncomfortable. He hates feelings of "lust". He won't talk about sex. He says that lust ruins lives (his father cheated on his mother, his sister cheated with his best friend, his first girlfriend cheated on him...)

So a few weeks ago, I was on Instagram and saw that he had liked a picture of a pornstar (well known) so I called him asking why he had done that, when he said he hated stuff like that. He wouldn't discuss it saying he couldn't remember doing it. Conversation lasted 2 minutes if that. I apologised immediately - said that I appreciate it wasn't a major issue considering our current stresses, and that I had had a bad day etc., and I didn't particularly care.

But he wouldn't let it go. Like I said, I never raise my voice to him, I didn't swear - I just asked a question, because in my mind it seemed so unlike him (and it was on his business page).

Anyway, after a week of him effectively sulking and making me feel bad, I apologised again and said it didn't really bother me BUT that I stand by the fact I mentioned it, because it was previously discussed as something he wouldn't do, and it was more a discussion that an argument.

He said I was making him feel guilty, accusing him of being lustful and how could he ever open up to me again when I twisted his words so much? That he can't see past this ... Why did I have to make him feel bad? I thought I was his soulmate etc etc. He said I had put pressure on him.

I am honestly shocked. The level of overreaction on my behalf is something i will own, and take responsibility for, especially considering his circumstances. I said I understood that he was feel pressures, and that I had added to them, but that ultimately, I was on his side, was willing to work at us etc... he said he thinks we should break up, he was confused, that the last few weeks had been weird

We haven't spoken since this meeting. It was nearly a week ago. I told him I was willing to meet again if he wanted to, but this hasn't been discussed.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

Report

Am I being unreasonable?

835 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

You are NOT being unreasonable

93%

FloatingObject · 23/10/2019 15:12

No. It sounds like whether its porn or family dynamics, hes struggling to straddle two different cultures. Just let him go.