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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dumped for being a bitch?

187 replies

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 15:08

At the first sign of argument. I am in my 20s, he is in his 30s.

Me and boyfriend were still really in an (extended) honeymoon period of lovey dovey stuff up until about a month ago. He got a promotion, I graduated from a post-grad and looking for work, my mother got ill, he moved house - normal life stuff, but stressful none the less.

My boyfriend copes with stress poorly. In the past has suffered appalling mental health (has attempted to take his life before I knew him) and is in a family situation in which he is taken advantage of financially. Perhaps because of his culture, he is still expected to give money to his sister (who works) and his mother (who abused him physically/mentally as a child). He is approaching being broke, as am I. Difference of course, is he has promotion, but obviously more stress with longer hours.

Anyway, things were going amazingly until three weeks ago. He was distant because of the stress. In the night he would wake and pace the room writing lists of budgets etc. He confided in me that his family situation was getting him down. I comforted him and reassured him that his feelings were valid, and tried to offer practical help like painting his new house whilst he was at work, doing his laundry etc., and made his meals/batched cooked and froze some meals for when I wasn't there. I know it's not much but in my position it was the most I could do.

We've had two "disagreements" in the entirety of our relationship. I say disagreement because it never escalates to an argument - I have never raised my voice or sworn at him, and he hasn't to me. The disagreements have literally been "nagging" at most from me, but in my mind not unreasonable nagging? The first time was asking him when he would be back from seeing a friend for a coffee during a weekend at his house (we are LDR: said he would be back at one time and after an hour passed this I said: "what time will you be back? :) do you want any dinner?" Apparently that was disrespectful.

Second time was about porn. He makes a point of not watching it Confused I'm not trying to be a cool girlfriend here, but I really don't care if my partners do watch it. I mean, there are circumstances in which it would piss me off - e.g. if it was chosen over me, but generally couldn't care less. Anyway, he makes a point of saying how he hates the sexualisation of women. He uses social media for his business and unfollows/deletes women regularly who post selfies etc. He says porn makes him feel uncomfortable. He hates feelings of "lust". He won't talk about sex. He says that lust ruins lives (his father cheated on his mother, his sister cheated with his best friend, his first girlfriend cheated on him...)

So a few weeks ago, I was on Instagram and saw that he had liked a picture of a pornstar (well known) Confused so I called him asking why he had done that, when he said he hated stuff like that. He wouldn't discuss it saying he couldn't remember doing it. Conversation lasted 2 minutes if that. I apologised immediately - said that I appreciate it wasn't a major issue considering our current stresses, and that I had had a bad day etc., and I didn't particularly care.

But he wouldn't let it go. Like I said, I never raise my voice to him, I didn't swear - I just asked a question, because in my mind it seemed so unlike him (and it was on his business page).

Anyway, after a week of him effectively sulking and making me feel bad, I apologised again and said it didn't really bother me BUT that I stand by the fact I mentioned it, because it was previously discussed as something he wouldn't do, and it was more a discussion that an argument.

He said I was making him feel guilty, accusing him of being lustful and how could he ever open up to me again when I twisted his words so much? That he can't see past this ... Why did I have to make him feel bad? I thought I was his soulmate etc etc. He said I had put pressure on him.

I am honestly shocked. The level of overreaction on my behalf is something i will own, and take responsibility for, especially considering his circumstances. I said I understood that he was feel pressures, and that I had added to them, but that ultimately, I was on his side, was willing to work at us etc... he said he thinks we should break up, he was confused, that the last few weeks had been weird

We haven't spoken since this meeting. It was nearly a week ago. I told him I was willing to meet again if he wanted to, but this hasn't been discussed.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2019 17:09

Oh, on my post above. If he gets personal keep trying to steer to retrieval. If he simply won't allow that, terminate the conversation.

florenceflossie · 08/11/2019 18:01

Nearly a month later and nothing has changed.

I've attempted to arrange a time to collect my things. He sidetracked this, and basically got to speak to me over the phone for like 5 hours (I'm stupid I know) speaking about anything other than the breakup... Acting like it didn't happen.

Then back to distance. When I ask to arrange he says he let me know.

I want my things back. But I'm scared of what he will do, he knows how to manipulate me.

My friend won't go round because he thinks there will be a fight.

I want all the ties cut now.

Why won't he give me back my things 😔

OP posts:
BarbaraStrozzi · 08/11/2019 18:07

At this point, I would go (with your male friend) and if he won't let you in, get the police involved. (I've had to do this on behalf of a friend whose barking mad landlady wouldn't let her back into the flat she'd chucked her out of in order to collect her stuff - the police were brilliant).

And overall, bullet dodged, but I think you know that.

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 08/11/2019 18:09

You're only in your 20's so start having fun! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/11/2019 18:14

What a creep. Hanging on to your stuff is a hold over you.

Witchinaditch · 08/11/2019 18:15

Are they things you need? He’s using it to control you. Just turn up at his door and say I’m here to get my things.

florenceflossie · 08/11/2019 18:31

Yes they're things I desperately need.

He has got a hold over me, has kept me waiting all day supposedly as he said he should be free today. No word from him.

He wants me to beg, and I'm not going to.

OP posts:
OnGoldenPond · 08/11/2019 18:55

Hmm I'd be making a statement to the police about him refusing to make arrangements to return your possessions. That is theft.

florenceflossie · 08/11/2019 19:04

@OnGoldenPond He hasn't refused though - it's always him saying "Oh I'll let you know, I'm probably free Friday" or says a day and then never makes the plan.

I need a backbone. I just need to send a text that he won't ignore arrggh

OP posts:
Thehop · 08/11/2019 19:18

Go to the police now. Enough is enough.

Wanker.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 08/11/2019 19:22

Send a letter by signed for delivery saying you want your stuff back, setting a day and time when you know he is usually home and stating if you don’t receive your things within, say, 2 weeks, you will be forced to take action. This is what the police will tell you to do. If he doesn’t, it’s easy to issue a claim in the small claims court online- not ideal and he might overreact and dump your stuff, but otherwise he is going to keep stringing you along in the hope he can pull you back in or as a power trip.
Good luck OP, he’s a knob!

AcrossthePond55 · 08/11/2019 19:51

You've given him enough time to arrange a return so now you know he has no intention of doing so.

Contact the police and ask them how to proceed. Have a list of the things you want returned, starting with the most valuable. If you have texts of when you've tried to make arrangements, show them.

Good luck. It's time to get tough with this.

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