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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dumped for being a bitch?

187 replies

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 15:08

At the first sign of argument. I am in my 20s, he is in his 30s.

Me and boyfriend were still really in an (extended) honeymoon period of lovey dovey stuff up until about a month ago. He got a promotion, I graduated from a post-grad and looking for work, my mother got ill, he moved house - normal life stuff, but stressful none the less.

My boyfriend copes with stress poorly. In the past has suffered appalling mental health (has attempted to take his life before I knew him) and is in a family situation in which he is taken advantage of financially. Perhaps because of his culture, he is still expected to give money to his sister (who works) and his mother (who abused him physically/mentally as a child). He is approaching being broke, as am I. Difference of course, is he has promotion, but obviously more stress with longer hours.

Anyway, things were going amazingly until three weeks ago. He was distant because of the stress. In the night he would wake and pace the room writing lists of budgets etc. He confided in me that his family situation was getting him down. I comforted him and reassured him that his feelings were valid, and tried to offer practical help like painting his new house whilst he was at work, doing his laundry etc., and made his meals/batched cooked and froze some meals for when I wasn't there. I know it's not much but in my position it was the most I could do.

We've had two "disagreements" in the entirety of our relationship. I say disagreement because it never escalates to an argument - I have never raised my voice or sworn at him, and he hasn't to me. The disagreements have literally been "nagging" at most from me, but in my mind not unreasonable nagging? The first time was asking him when he would be back from seeing a friend for a coffee during a weekend at his house (we are LDR: said he would be back at one time and after an hour passed this I said: "what time will you be back? :) do you want any dinner?" Apparently that was disrespectful.

Second time was about porn. He makes a point of not watching it Confused I'm not trying to be a cool girlfriend here, but I really don't care if my partners do watch it. I mean, there are circumstances in which it would piss me off - e.g. if it was chosen over me, but generally couldn't care less. Anyway, he makes a point of saying how he hates the sexualisation of women. He uses social media for his business and unfollows/deletes women regularly who post selfies etc. He says porn makes him feel uncomfortable. He hates feelings of "lust". He won't talk about sex. He says that lust ruins lives (his father cheated on his mother, his sister cheated with his best friend, his first girlfriend cheated on him...)

So a few weeks ago, I was on Instagram and saw that he had liked a picture of a pornstar (well known) Confused so I called him asking why he had done that, when he said he hated stuff like that. He wouldn't discuss it saying he couldn't remember doing it. Conversation lasted 2 minutes if that. I apologised immediately - said that I appreciate it wasn't a major issue considering our current stresses, and that I had had a bad day etc., and I didn't particularly care.

But he wouldn't let it go. Like I said, I never raise my voice to him, I didn't swear - I just asked a question, because in my mind it seemed so unlike him (and it was on his business page).

Anyway, after a week of him effectively sulking and making me feel bad, I apologised again and said it didn't really bother me BUT that I stand by the fact I mentioned it, because it was previously discussed as something he wouldn't do, and it was more a discussion that an argument.

He said I was making him feel guilty, accusing him of being lustful and how could he ever open up to me again when I twisted his words so much? That he can't see past this ... Why did I have to make him feel bad? I thought I was his soulmate etc etc. He said I had put pressure on him.

I am honestly shocked. The level of overreaction on my behalf is something i will own, and take responsibility for, especially considering his circumstances. I said I understood that he was feel pressures, and that I had added to them, but that ultimately, I was on his side, was willing to work at us etc... he said he thinks we should break up, he was confused, that the last few weeks had been weird

We haven't spoken since this meeting. It was nearly a week ago. I told him I was willing to meet again if he wanted to, but this hasn't been discussed.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
florenceflossie · 24/10/2019 20:53

@Atticusblame

When we spoke in person he said he would send me the things in the post. I don't want that to happen in case I lose my mum's ring Sad so I said you can leave it outside my house.

It's been nearly 2 weeks now - and no sign of it.
I don't want to text him, because I know he's waiting for it. I know that sounds childish.

@LannieDuck

Yes, I have reflected over the last few days and I realise I was a massive doormat in this relationship. A lot of ex-boyfriends conditioned me to be like that. That paired with a people-pleasing mentality. I heard the Freedom Programme mentioned somewhere so will be doing that.

OP posts:
Unwrittenrule · 24/10/2019 20:59

The online version is only £12 OP, worth every penny freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

SomeonesSomeone · 24/10/2019 21:41

RUN away as far and as fast as you can.

Let's put it this way, if you saw your original post played out in a soap opera or in a movie, you would be rolling your eyes and saying "who the hell scripted this shit because no woman would put up with him".

You are too close to see it but he is bad news.

You have zero obligation to let him rule/ruin your life and if you keep trying to placate him, that is exactly what he will do.

He is also a massive fucking liar and hypocrite with regard to the porn.

Again...RUN.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2019 00:20

Is there anyone who can act as a 'middleman' in getting your things back? Preferably they'd be able to go get them alone, but at the very least they'd accompany you.

florenceflossie · 25/10/2019 12:14

@AcrossthePond55

no, he lives in a different city to me so no way anyone would go instead of me

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2019 13:34

That's too bad. If it was just clothes I'd say forget about them. They can be replaced. But your mum's ring? That you have to get back somehow.

Can someone go with you?

florenceflossie · 25/10/2019 14:39

@AcrossthePond55

I've also got a work laptop there that I most definitely need back, i've been struggling this week without it to be honest.

I don't know anyone who would come with me. I don't drive either so it's going to be a four hour round trip on a train Sad

It's annoying that in the past he would be very understanding of the transport issue and always offer to pick me up/drop me off. I guess that doesn't extend to my stuff being brought back. I'd understand if I had cheated or told him I didn't love him, manipulated him or lied. But I haven't. I don't think I have done anything wrong. And it takes A LOT for me to say that.

If he doesn't want the relationship that's fine but treating me like I've done something unforgivable is so weird.

It's been a week since he contacted me now, and I ignored it. That was just a "happy birthday" text, no mention of my things. I didn't reply to that as he was being all cutesy in it and he had literally just dumped me Angry

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2019 15:01

I guess at this point all you can do is send him a message and say "I would like to come on XXX day at XXX time to pick up my things". Do you have any fear for your physical safety? Or fear that he might be able to manipulate or guilt you into getting back together? As far as the former, if you can't get anyone to go with you, speak to WA and see if they advise you to contact the local police. If the latter, remember you can promise him anything in order to get your things safely away and then block him once you get home.

Make a list ahead of time (important things first) so you know exactly what's there to make it as quick as possible. Shove them in trash bags or a duffel, don't worry about neatly packing them. Valuable things first so if things get uncomfortable you can just leave the rest and go.

TBH, if I'd broken up with someone (or they'd broken up with me) I wouldn't put myself out to get their things to them, so I wouldn't expect him to put himself out and bring yours to you. As uncomfortable as it might be, I'd expect that you'll have to go get them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/10/2019 15:08

^ What @AcrossthePond55 said.

Tell him you will be coming to collect your things at xxx time.

Can you ask someone to come with you for moral support?

Ponoka7 · 25/10/2019 15:31

Could you speak to his Mum/Sister about getting your things?

Personally, I'd be asking the Police for advice.

They've phoned exs of my friends in the past to advise them that it is theft if they won't hand property over.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/10/2019 15:52

I would organise with him a time to pick up and then bring someone with you but don't let him know you're doing so in advance.

Hopefully he'll feel to awkward to be nasty or over emotional if there is someone else with you.

It sounds like he's more defensive than aggressive (it also sounds like he's a total twat!) so I think that might do the trick. You can get your stuff back without a huge confrontation and then it's all done.

Go for it Thanks

C0untDucku1a · 25/10/2019 15:55

Yabu in wanting to meet up again. youve had a Lucky escape.

C0untDucku1a · 25/10/2019 15:56

Shit missed that he has your laptop.

florenceflossie · 25/10/2019 15:59

@AFairlyHardAvocado

Yes he's not aggressive, more defensive. I don't feel scared meeting him, but I am more stressed out about being made to feel worse when I see him as he'll continue the "i can't bear to look at you" act or he'll be over emotional.

Can't speak to his mum or sister as I don't have their contacts, and don't want to be viewed as more manipulative.

I am trying to think of someone to take. The only person who would take me would be one of my male friends, but they don't like each other so it looks confrontational uggggh Sad

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/10/2019 16:02

Try to remember that it doesn't matter if it looks confrontational to your ex, it'll be done then and you'll have someone there to make sure it's all OK Smile he's less likely to try and have a "talk" or anything if someone else is there too!

To be honest your ex sounds like a bit of a wuss behind all his defensiveness so maybe he would be more likely to let you just get your stuff and go rather than causing a scene.

Good luck OP, not long now and you can forget about all the anxiety wrapped up in him SmileThanks

Sewrainbow · 25/10/2019 16:10

I ticked yabu, but only because yabu in thinking there is anything salvigable here. Just go, run for the hills and congratulate yourself on a lucky escape...

Unwrittenrule · 25/10/2019 16:38

Take your male friend, it doesn't matter how it looks to him as long as you get your stuff back. You're still thinking in terms of trying to keep him sweet (which illustrates how fucked up the relationship actually was) and you don't need to do that anymore, you're free.

Don't pre-warn him you'll have company, don't apologise for your friends presence, say you're en route to somewhere else if he accuses you of creating drama by bringing him, just keep completely focused on getting your stuff back so you never have to speak to him again. Hope it goes ok Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2019 21:02

Another vote to take your male friend. How your ex feels about that is irrelevant.

As of your last meeting with him, what he thinks and/or feels need no longer concern you. If he has to be upset in order for you to get what belongs to you so be it. He can always arrange to have a friend of his there too if he feels the need for a 'buffer'.

florenceflossie · 26/10/2019 16:19

he said he is calling me tomorrow.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2019 16:34

Is this out of the blue or had you messaged him about getting your things?

ffswhatnext · 26/10/2019 16:42

You bruised his ego. He will get over it and become someone else problem.

florenceflossie · 26/10/2019 16:49

@ffswhatnext bruised it how - I didn't even say anything!

@AcrossthePond55 out of the blue

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 26/10/2019 16:52

Who cares if he and your friends don’t like each other? (And they have a bit of a reason for not liking him, to be fair). He has your work laptop! I understand if you have a sentimental connection to your other things but frankly, that one item alone needs sorting and now. That’s technically not your property (I assume it belongs to your company?) and you could be in deep trouble if he does something to it. Sorry, OP, not to scare you, but I’d start playing hardball with him. I would be calling one of your male friends NOW, anyone who is available, to come with you tomorrow, not just waiting on this arsehole to call you at his convenience. He has valuable things that are yours! I also suspect your ex was going to attempt to “lovebomb” you into acting like nothing was wrong and nothing happened. And at the beginning of the thread, you didn’t exactly sound strong enough to say, “No, piss off, you’ve treated me horribly and it’s over forever.”

Good luck, OP. He’s been really rotten to you and the whole thing just sounds stressful to deal with, but once you have your things, you never have to deal with him ever again. Block him everywhere. But for now, please let your friends support you. If I were your friend, I’d be there for you in a heartbeat in this situation.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2019 17:02

Ugh! If I were you, I'd write down a list of all the things he does/says that you mention in this thread, just go down your posts and write them down on a piece of paper in list form. Circle the ones that really hit you hard. Put it by the phone (if landline) or keep it right where it's visible to you & you can grab it fast if it will be on a mobile.

When he calls try 'control' the conversation away from personal and to setting a time to pick up your stuff. Then terminate the conversation. If he won't allow you to steer the convo that way, just keep that list right in front of your eyes. And when he starts either criticizing you or trying to manipulate you into taking him back, read that list so you remember all the reasons why he is NOT who you want in your life. Do not read things to him, they are memory joggers for YOU. Either do not reply to his comments or say something along the lines of "That is your opinion" or "You are entitled to your feelings, so am I". But do not fall into the trap of explaining yourself to him. You are entitled to your feeling and opinions. You don't have to justify them to anyone. Remember JADE.

Never, ever
Justify
Apologize
Defend
Explain

If you manage to get a time set, do not tell him that you are bringing male friend with you. Tell him nothing other than that you will be there to get your things.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2019 17:07

And please remember, if he refuses to return the items to you, you can always report it as theft. Just be sure you are keeping a record of all messages and attempts to retrieve these items. Please don't 'threaten' him with the police ahead of time. Give him two chances to retrieve your items. If he won't cooperate, contact the police.

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