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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dumped for being a bitch?

187 replies

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 15:08

At the first sign of argument. I am in my 20s, he is in his 30s.

Me and boyfriend were still really in an (extended) honeymoon period of lovey dovey stuff up until about a month ago. He got a promotion, I graduated from a post-grad and looking for work, my mother got ill, he moved house - normal life stuff, but stressful none the less.

My boyfriend copes with stress poorly. In the past has suffered appalling mental health (has attempted to take his life before I knew him) and is in a family situation in which he is taken advantage of financially. Perhaps because of his culture, he is still expected to give money to his sister (who works) and his mother (who abused him physically/mentally as a child). He is approaching being broke, as am I. Difference of course, is he has promotion, but obviously more stress with longer hours.

Anyway, things were going amazingly until three weeks ago. He was distant because of the stress. In the night he would wake and pace the room writing lists of budgets etc. He confided in me that his family situation was getting him down. I comforted him and reassured him that his feelings were valid, and tried to offer practical help like painting his new house whilst he was at work, doing his laundry etc., and made his meals/batched cooked and froze some meals for when I wasn't there. I know it's not much but in my position it was the most I could do.

We've had two "disagreements" in the entirety of our relationship. I say disagreement because it never escalates to an argument - I have never raised my voice or sworn at him, and he hasn't to me. The disagreements have literally been "nagging" at most from me, but in my mind not unreasonable nagging? The first time was asking him when he would be back from seeing a friend for a coffee during a weekend at his house (we are LDR: said he would be back at one time and after an hour passed this I said: "what time will you be back? :) do you want any dinner?" Apparently that was disrespectful.

Second time was about porn. He makes a point of not watching it Confused I'm not trying to be a cool girlfriend here, but I really don't care if my partners do watch it. I mean, there are circumstances in which it would piss me off - e.g. if it was chosen over me, but generally couldn't care less. Anyway, he makes a point of saying how he hates the sexualisation of women. He uses social media for his business and unfollows/deletes women regularly who post selfies etc. He says porn makes him feel uncomfortable. He hates feelings of "lust". He won't talk about sex. He says that lust ruins lives (his father cheated on his mother, his sister cheated with his best friend, his first girlfriend cheated on him...)

So a few weeks ago, I was on Instagram and saw that he had liked a picture of a pornstar (well known) Confused so I called him asking why he had done that, when he said he hated stuff like that. He wouldn't discuss it saying he couldn't remember doing it. Conversation lasted 2 minutes if that. I apologised immediately - said that I appreciate it wasn't a major issue considering our current stresses, and that I had had a bad day etc., and I didn't particularly care.

But he wouldn't let it go. Like I said, I never raise my voice to him, I didn't swear - I just asked a question, because in my mind it seemed so unlike him (and it was on his business page).

Anyway, after a week of him effectively sulking and making me feel bad, I apologised again and said it didn't really bother me BUT that I stand by the fact I mentioned it, because it was previously discussed as something he wouldn't do, and it was more a discussion that an argument.

He said I was making him feel guilty, accusing him of being lustful and how could he ever open up to me again when I twisted his words so much? That he can't see past this ... Why did I have to make him feel bad? I thought I was his soulmate etc etc. He said I had put pressure on him.

I am honestly shocked. The level of overreaction on my behalf is something i will own, and take responsibility for, especially considering his circumstances. I said I understood that he was feel pressures, and that I had added to them, but that ultimately, I was on his side, was willing to work at us etc... he said he thinks we should break up, he was confused, that the last few weeks had been weird

We haven't spoken since this meeting. It was nearly a week ago. I told him I was willing to meet again if he wanted to, but this hasn't been discussed.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
RushianDisney · 23/10/2019 15:54

Run, don't walk away from this OP.

championquartz · 23/10/2019 15:54

God get rid. He's hard work. Red flags red flags.

If he's this difficult at this stage of the relationship, there's no getting better.

Lose him. You sound lovely, you deserve better.

BeatriceTheBeast · 23/10/2019 15:55

Run for the hills!

Icecreamsoda99 · 23/10/2019 15:55

I don't think you said you had been together? But he sounds incredibly unreasonable, hard work with a lot of issues. He needs to seek professional help for these, and I agree with others that I really think you have had a lucky escape!

Icecreamsoda99 · 23/10/2019 15:55

*how long you had been together I mean!

billy1966 · 23/10/2019 15:55

Run!

He sounds awful.

Why are you settling for so little in life.

He is not worth the effort.

Between his awful history, horrible family, awful financial situation...

He is certainly no prize.

makingmammaries · 23/10/2019 15:56

Leave. Now. I promise that in a few months you’ll be so glad you did.
Why are you talking yourself into doing housewifey stuff for this horrible gaslighting excuse for a man?

missbattenburg · 23/10/2019 15:57

Things that would have me running for the hills:

  • being told I am disrespectful. Now, I truly do think we should all respect one another but have never heard anyone use this particular phrase or wording without it actually meaning something very different and pretty dark. Mostly around how someone is not subservient or appeasing. Fuck that.
  • someone using their future honesty as a weapon to threaten me with. Basically, he has said 'if you question me again I will punish you by not telling you anything'. Double fuck that. That is not how grown ups handle stuff.
  • his messed up view of sex, lust and women. Lust doesn't ruin lives. We all feel lust from time to time and most of us manage not to hurt anyone with it. For most people, it forms a healthy part of our lives and relationships. Selfishness ruins lives, not lust.

I also think two different cultures coming together only ever works if both people are open, honest curious and willing to talk through any differences comfortably. If you cannot use your own upbringing as a frame of reference for understanding someone else's then you need them to help you understand - which requires patience and the feeling you can ask questions. This applies whether you are from different religions, countries, ecomomic situations etc.

MegaClutterSlut · 23/10/2019 15:58

Another saying run. Glad you called him out. It isn't the fact he liked a porn star's pic, it's the lying and I don't know why you're apologising tbh. His family also needs to stop taking the piss out of him but only he can stop that

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 15:58

@DoctorAllcome

It was a picture of the pornstar with her hands cupping her boobs with no bra on

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/10/2019 15:59

I also think he's bullshitting you on the whole porn thing. And his reaction isn't ok.

It's up to you if you can stay in this relationship but it seems I'd you do, then he's teaching you you must never ever question him, irreverent of what he does.

I couldn't be doing with that shit. Up to you if you can.

Breathlessness · 23/10/2019 16:02

Why would you want to ‘work at us’????

Run. Run further. Reassess your boundaries when it comes to relationships. There are so many red flags you could start a communist parade.

balonzz · 23/10/2019 16:03

Another one saying he's awful. Run and keep running.

SuchAToDo · 23/10/2019 16:03

The liking the porn stars post could be an accident, sometimes when you are scrolling through people's posts to read the comments you can accidentally like a post if your thumb hits like as you scroll (I know that for a fact because it happened to me just yesterday)

He sounds like he needs help to break himself away financially from his family,and therapy to help him with the trauma of his dad cheating and his girlfriend cheating...his family's behaviour past and present has screwed him up /is still screwing him up...he needs someone to talk to to unburden himself of the guilt and obligation they make him feel to get money from him...if he is struggling with money, sit down with him, write down his income, now write down his outgoings for bills, food etc for his expenses (not for family)..and see if you can help him with a budget...citizens advice bureau may be able to help him if he needs financial help/advice...

He needs to break free from his family though, if he has already attempted suicide in the past (before you knew him) and has the pressure of his family grinding him down, it's like a pressure cooker on his mental health waiting to blow

You sound so sweet and kind, don't give up on him if you love him,

morrisseysquif · 23/10/2019 16:04

I'm exhausted reading that, let alone living it.

One thing struck me - a week sulking because you called him out on hypocritically liking a porn star. Confused

I think now the honeymoon is over you are seeing the real him.

MitziK · 23/10/2019 16:06

Mental health issues, financial issues, issues around sex and fidelity, maybe religious issues/guilt/repression, too?

That's a recipe for disaster and you are best off out of it.

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 16:06

@SuchAToDo

Yes i thought mistake too, until I clicked on the profile and seen he has liked most/all of her pictures from years back.

I would help him, but he's decide to end the relationship seemingly out of nowhere

OP posts:
Cillmantain · 23/10/2019 16:07

Get rid.
It's not supposed to be this hard.

Krazynights34 · 23/10/2019 16:09

Be glad - that is highly manipulative and controlling behaviour in it’s infancy. I recognise a lot of what you are saying- it’s essentially all him, him, him on top of that (somewhat understandable but look what you’ve been doing for him).

AngusThermopyle · 23/10/2019 16:09

You've had a lucky escape, continue the no contact that's happened since and let him get on with it. Thus is too much hard work, normal relationships are not like this.

PlasticPatty · 23/10/2019 16:13

Wonderful.
You have identified lots of reasons why this relationship will not make you happy.

He lies. He's into porn. He gives all his money to his natal family.
He sulks.
He says you are 'disrespectful'. That is, he has an expectation of 'respect' - you will 'respect' him and not question him.
Different cultures leading to different expectations.
And despite the above, he lies that he is into equality.
He 'hates feelings of lust' and won't talk about sex. What? I wouldn't want that man. I expect lust. And talk. Oh yes.
He overreacts.

Advice? RUN!!!

Pure speculation - Mama and sis have told him to ditch you for a suitable wife from his own culture, and he's encouraging you to go.

RunsForGummyBears · 23/10/2019 16:13

You can't fix him. He had to do that for himself.

He's fine you a massive favour. Take it and find someone who is emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship.

PlasticPatty · 23/10/2019 16:13

If he's ended it, he's done you the biggest favour of your life.

MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 23/10/2019 16:14

I would guess that the whole 'I don't watch or agree with porn' line is, in reality, a cover for the fact that he consumes either 1. a lottt of porn or 2. 'unusual' types of porn. Either way, he's embarrassed about his consumption and tries to hide it by stating that he's totally against it.

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 16:16

@PlasticPatty

I got on very well with his family, and his mother and sister are married to people from my culture. A clash of cultures is not the problem I don't think

OP posts:
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