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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dumped for being a bitch?

187 replies

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 15:08

At the first sign of argument. I am in my 20s, he is in his 30s.

Me and boyfriend were still really in an (extended) honeymoon period of lovey dovey stuff up until about a month ago. He got a promotion, I graduated from a post-grad and looking for work, my mother got ill, he moved house - normal life stuff, but stressful none the less.

My boyfriend copes with stress poorly. In the past has suffered appalling mental health (has attempted to take his life before I knew him) and is in a family situation in which he is taken advantage of financially. Perhaps because of his culture, he is still expected to give money to his sister (who works) and his mother (who abused him physically/mentally as a child). He is approaching being broke, as am I. Difference of course, is he has promotion, but obviously more stress with longer hours.

Anyway, things were going amazingly until three weeks ago. He was distant because of the stress. In the night he would wake and pace the room writing lists of budgets etc. He confided in me that his family situation was getting him down. I comforted him and reassured him that his feelings were valid, and tried to offer practical help like painting his new house whilst he was at work, doing his laundry etc., and made his meals/batched cooked and froze some meals for when I wasn't there. I know it's not much but in my position it was the most I could do.

We've had two "disagreements" in the entirety of our relationship. I say disagreement because it never escalates to an argument - I have never raised my voice or sworn at him, and he hasn't to me. The disagreements have literally been "nagging" at most from me, but in my mind not unreasonable nagging? The first time was asking him when he would be back from seeing a friend for a coffee during a weekend at his house (we are LDR: said he would be back at one time and after an hour passed this I said: "what time will you be back? :) do you want any dinner?" Apparently that was disrespectful.

Second time was about porn. He makes a point of not watching it Confused I'm not trying to be a cool girlfriend here, but I really don't care if my partners do watch it. I mean, there are circumstances in which it would piss me off - e.g. if it was chosen over me, but generally couldn't care less. Anyway, he makes a point of saying how he hates the sexualisation of women. He uses social media for his business and unfollows/deletes women regularly who post selfies etc. He says porn makes him feel uncomfortable. He hates feelings of "lust". He won't talk about sex. He says that lust ruins lives (his father cheated on his mother, his sister cheated with his best friend, his first girlfriend cheated on him...)

So a few weeks ago, I was on Instagram and saw that he had liked a picture of a pornstar (well known) Confused so I called him asking why he had done that, when he said he hated stuff like that. He wouldn't discuss it saying he couldn't remember doing it. Conversation lasted 2 minutes if that. I apologised immediately - said that I appreciate it wasn't a major issue considering our current stresses, and that I had had a bad day etc., and I didn't particularly care.

But he wouldn't let it go. Like I said, I never raise my voice to him, I didn't swear - I just asked a question, because in my mind it seemed so unlike him (and it was on his business page).

Anyway, after a week of him effectively sulking and making me feel bad, I apologised again and said it didn't really bother me BUT that I stand by the fact I mentioned it, because it was previously discussed as something he wouldn't do, and it was more a discussion that an argument.

He said I was making him feel guilty, accusing him of being lustful and how could he ever open up to me again when I twisted his words so much? That he can't see past this ... Why did I have to make him feel bad? I thought I was his soulmate etc etc. He said I had put pressure on him.

I am honestly shocked. The level of overreaction on my behalf is something i will own, and take responsibility for, especially considering his circumstances. I said I understood that he was feel pressures, and that I had added to them, but that ultimately, I was on his side, was willing to work at us etc... he said he thinks we should break up, he was confused, that the last few weeks had been weird

We haven't spoken since this meeting. It was nearly a week ago. I told him I was willing to meet again if he wanted to, but this hasn't been discussed.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Wantosleep39 · 24/10/2019 09:24

got on very well with his family, and his mother and sister are married to people from my culture. A clash of cultures is not the problem I don't think If they are both married why is your boyfriend still contributing to a household when he doesn't even live with them?

This.
Ffs why.
Also you get on well with his family now. You won’t be in the future.
I am all agree with pp who say Run.
It might be very hard if you really loved him. Be strong and don’t let anyone treat you like that. You worth more ❤️

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/10/2019 09:27

When somebody shows you who they really are - believe them.

You life will be on eggshells if you stay with him. Constant self censoring to avoid another blow up. Life is too short to tiptoe around his issues. I have been in a cross cultural marriage for nearly 20 years and it has never been like this.

Run away now before you get even more enmeshed.

LuaDipa · 24/10/2019 09:34

You need to move on. He can’t deal with a reasonable question. How will he cope when you do have a row or major disagreement (which eventually happens in all relationships)? You should be able to communicate, he clearly can’t. I would leave this one behind.

AskMeHow · 24/10/2019 09:36

Agree with everyone else. There's nothing more I can add. This guy has ISSUES. Best off out of it, you'll be glad he dumped you eventually.

When he contacts you to ask for an apology for your terrible behaviour, and he'll get back with you if you do, dasayy no.

notacooldad · 24/10/2019 10:02

I have a mantra about relationships that I have passed on to my lads.
'Keep life simple ' This means no drama, not making things hard work for yourself, have an expectation of how you want to be treated without running round trying to 'fix' someone.
Your life would never be simple with this guy.

He is gaslighting you about conversations you know you had and you are willing to meet up if he wants. 😲 Come on lass, stand up for yourself, collect your dignity and bin him off. You don't need this nonsense in your life.

Love51 · 24/10/2019 10:23

The soulmate thing is creepy, it puts you on a pedestal that you can only stay on if you always behave in line with his ideals. I've been married 15 years to a guy I love and have kids with, but we accept we can feel differently about things. However if we agreed to be in a place at a time, we would text if we would be an entire hour late, and be apologetic if we couldn't - it wouldn't be the fault of the person who had to chase us up!

florenceflossie · 24/10/2019 13:17

He also said "it doesn't matter what you think. You accused me and I need to protect myself."

Bizarre. Asked me to marry him a few weeks prior to this

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 24/10/2019 13:29

He just sounds chaotic and unstable, hopefully he can get some help but you shouldn't have to be his therapist
seriously just walk away

Itsallgonewoowoo · 24/10/2019 13:30

I think as others have pointed it, he'll make you sweat, then pop back to forgive you and move on. It's to stop you ever questioning him again and to make you so grateful he's forgiven you.
Don't let him!

Wantosleep39 · 24/10/2019 14:28

Op that sounds ridiculous. You can’t marry someone like him. There is nothing right about him. He is extremely selfish, unstable, liar, manipulative and has lots of family issues. He is not happy himself. His family, friends can help him not his fiancé/girlfriend. I can’t even imagine what kind of father he would be.
I actually feel pity for him. He needs a lot of help but without ruin anyone else life.
I hope you can move on and never see him again. Best luck

TheBeesKnee · 24/10/2019 14:36

I had a friend who grew up being hit by her mum, bullied by her siblings and generally trod on a lot. She got brave in college and started growing a backbone... with me and her close friends who had supported her through that shit. It was easier for her to flounce with us than be firm with those people. I was not up for being treated badly, so I dropped her. I hear she continues this pattern of behaviour.

Some people can't be saved.

Walking on eggshells isn't going to help you.

Motoko · 24/10/2019 15:03

OP are you listening to what people are saying?

Do you understand?

What are you going to do when he contacts you again, and mentions getting back together?

FizzyIce · 24/10/2019 15:11

You sound a bit of a door mat and shouldn’t be so quick to apologise to him when he’s being a dick and he sounds unstable .
Time to run I think , that’s not normal behaviour

Brackish · 24/10/2019 15:17

This guy sounds like a loon. And, for whatever reason, he has some very conservative ideas about women (not allowed to 'raise their voices' to him, not allowed to ask if he's coming home, not allowed to call him on his self-imposed double-standards) -- you're well rid.

HauntedPinecone · 24/10/2019 15:21

FGS, raise your standards! Why are you wasting your time dancing around trying to appease this muppet? Your entire opening post is littered with subservient language.

Let him go, work on your self-esteem. Look back on this in 5 years and be overwhelmed with relief that you got out. For the love of god, do not go chasing after him. He is a total loser and will ruin your life.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/10/2019 17:35

BUT WHAT ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO DO, OP?

Because I'd say the consensus here is pretty much 'run away from this man and keep running' but your posts are - well, I think it looks like you want to go back to him and 'fix' him. (Please don't. Just run.)

florenceflossie · 24/10/2019 17:36

@Motoko yes I am listening. He won't get in touch. I know he won't contact me unless I contact him and I won't be doing that

OP posts:
florenceflossie · 24/10/2019 17:47

But he has all my stuff at his house so I will need that back. It's stuff I actually need like my mum's wedding ring etc that I usually wear and half my clothes.

So I'll probably need to contact at some point. He seems to be holding that as a levy though rather than sort it out.

OP posts:
Unwrittenrule · 24/10/2019 18:14

He seems to be holding that as a levy though rather than sort it out.

He's not done yet OP, other posters are right that he is leaving you to stew on your 'mistakes' and will try to reel you back in at some point, you need to have a very careful think about how you'll deal with it when he does.

The fact that you said up thread that you would be willing to help him had he not ended things should be ringing alarm bells for you. Why would you want to help someone who lied and misrepresented himself wrt porn, turned everything back on you when you questioned it and comes with the kind of family baggage which could seriously impact your life if you stay with him?

Why would you not walk away and find yourself one of the many nice, uncomplicated men out there and what does it say about your level of self worth that you would even consider sticking around to 'help' this man instead? I'm sorry if those are harsh questions but I think it's really important you think about the answers before he makes his next move.

LannieDuck · 24/10/2019 19:35

I realise things have moved on, but why did you feel you had to be so submissive in the relationship? You seem to have been apologising for a lot of things that really weren't a big deal. But he never apologised for acting like a dick or sulking for a week - things that actually are a big deal.

highheelsandwitcheshats · 24/10/2019 20:08

I don't thinks it's age or culture; I think he's probably faking all the equality he's spouting and is actually quite traditional, even with misogynistic streaks. You spotted hypocrisy and you drew his attention to it and now you are the bad guy because you cracked his image

This. With giant noisy bells and a neon sign on.

No contact. He will likely try to contact you after you've ignored him long enough. Just block him and breathe a sigh of relief that you're not part of the drama anymore.

BilboBercow · 24/10/2019 20:13

He sounds like really hard work tbh

florenceflossie · 24/10/2019 20:32

The soulmate thing is creepy, it puts you on a pedestal that you can only stay on if you always behave in line with his ideals

@Love51 I thought so too.

OP posts:
Atticusblame · 24/10/2019 20:42

The red flags are billowing in the wind, OP.

So I'll probably need to contact at some point. He seems to be holding that as a levy though rather than sort it out.

I might have missed it, but can you not just contact him and ask when you can come and collect your stuff? If it wasn't for the ring I'd have just said to write it all off. Collect it and then never, ever see him again. Oh, and he will come crawling back, as soon as he feels you've learned your lesson sufficiently enough to never challenge him again.

Andysbestadventure · 24/10/2019 20:50

Run like the fucking wind.

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