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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dumped for being a bitch?

187 replies

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 15:08

At the first sign of argument. I am in my 20s, he is in his 30s.

Me and boyfriend were still really in an (extended) honeymoon period of lovey dovey stuff up until about a month ago. He got a promotion, I graduated from a post-grad and looking for work, my mother got ill, he moved house - normal life stuff, but stressful none the less.

My boyfriend copes with stress poorly. In the past has suffered appalling mental health (has attempted to take his life before I knew him) and is in a family situation in which he is taken advantage of financially. Perhaps because of his culture, he is still expected to give money to his sister (who works) and his mother (who abused him physically/mentally as a child). He is approaching being broke, as am I. Difference of course, is he has promotion, but obviously more stress with longer hours.

Anyway, things were going amazingly until three weeks ago. He was distant because of the stress. In the night he would wake and pace the room writing lists of budgets etc. He confided in me that his family situation was getting him down. I comforted him and reassured him that his feelings were valid, and tried to offer practical help like painting his new house whilst he was at work, doing his laundry etc., and made his meals/batched cooked and froze some meals for when I wasn't there. I know it's not much but in my position it was the most I could do.

We've had two "disagreements" in the entirety of our relationship. I say disagreement because it never escalates to an argument - I have never raised my voice or sworn at him, and he hasn't to me. The disagreements have literally been "nagging" at most from me, but in my mind not unreasonable nagging? The first time was asking him when he would be back from seeing a friend for a coffee during a weekend at his house (we are LDR: said he would be back at one time and after an hour passed this I said: "what time will you be back? :) do you want any dinner?" Apparently that was disrespectful.

Second time was about porn. He makes a point of not watching it Confused I'm not trying to be a cool girlfriend here, but I really don't care if my partners do watch it. I mean, there are circumstances in which it would piss me off - e.g. if it was chosen over me, but generally couldn't care less. Anyway, he makes a point of saying how he hates the sexualisation of women. He uses social media for his business and unfollows/deletes women regularly who post selfies etc. He says porn makes him feel uncomfortable. He hates feelings of "lust". He won't talk about sex. He says that lust ruins lives (his father cheated on his mother, his sister cheated with his best friend, his first girlfriend cheated on him...)

So a few weeks ago, I was on Instagram and saw that he had liked a picture of a pornstar (well known) Confused so I called him asking why he had done that, when he said he hated stuff like that. He wouldn't discuss it saying he couldn't remember doing it. Conversation lasted 2 minutes if that. I apologised immediately - said that I appreciate it wasn't a major issue considering our current stresses, and that I had had a bad day etc., and I didn't particularly care.

But he wouldn't let it go. Like I said, I never raise my voice to him, I didn't swear - I just asked a question, because in my mind it seemed so unlike him (and it was on his business page).

Anyway, after a week of him effectively sulking and making me feel bad, I apologised again and said it didn't really bother me BUT that I stand by the fact I mentioned it, because it was previously discussed as something he wouldn't do, and it was more a discussion that an argument.

He said I was making him feel guilty, accusing him of being lustful and how could he ever open up to me again when I twisted his words so much? That he can't see past this ... Why did I have to make him feel bad? I thought I was his soulmate etc etc. He said I had put pressure on him.

I am honestly shocked. The level of overreaction on my behalf is something i will own, and take responsibility for, especially considering his circumstances. I said I understood that he was feel pressures, and that I had added to them, but that ultimately, I was on his side, was willing to work at us etc... he said he thinks we should break up, he was confused, that the last few weeks had been weird

We haven't spoken since this meeting. It was nearly a week ago. I told him I was willing to meet again if he wanted to, but this hasn't been discussed.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 23/10/2019 18:16

You’ve dodged a bullet there. Some poor sods going to marry him and have a right time of it.

DrunkUnicorn · 23/10/2019 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrunkUnicorn · 23/10/2019 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohyesiam · 23/10/2019 18:37

He has too many issues to make relationship a possibility at the moment. He needs to take some responsibility and work on himself.

CSIblonde · 23/10/2019 18:43

He's messed up about sex, seeing it as 'bad' & the liking a porn star tells me the professing to hate porn is a case of 'he protests too much': He prob watches it but thinks you'll judge him badly. And he can't or won't, get out from under the thumb of his family. You're well rid. And not a bitch.

BrendasUmbrella · 23/10/2019 19:00

He's a liar and a hypocrite. Don't stay with someone you have to fix and manage. That's a job, not a relationship. It sounds like you have bent over backwards helping him, what did he add to your life?

And just out of interest - I assume you have met his mother and sister?

LuluJakey1 · 23/10/2019 19:09

Keep walking, never look back. He is a nightmare.

AnyFucker · 23/10/2019 19:13

I reckon this spanner is a massive porn hound

Ginkypig · 23/10/2019 19:15

so what he is saying then is, we will get along fine as long As you don't have an opinion on any behaviour I exhibit or ask me nothing about anything that I do or say

Fucking arsehole.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 23/10/2019 19:20

He sounds massively hard work and really, I think you are well rid.

Ibiza2015 · 23/10/2019 19:23

I agree with others that he sounds incapable of forming functional relationships so you need to let him go.

On the other hand I do feel very, very sorry for him as an adult who was abused as a child. That doesn’t make it your responsibility to fix him. He sounds like he needs professional help

Mummadeeze · 23/10/2019 19:25

The week long sulking episodes should be enough to put you off. I have lived with a sulker for 15 years and it is soul destroying! Get out whilst you can

Smelborp · 23/10/2019 19:27

It doesn’t matter if you’re unreasonable or not. It’s a relationship you’re better off out of.

FinallyHere · 23/10/2019 19:31

after a week of him effectively sulking and making me feel bad,

It's not really supposed to be such hard work. Sounds as if you have had a lucky escape.

meyouandlulutoo · 23/10/2019 19:44

I agree with RhiWrites I think he protests too much regarding porn and 'lust'.

I got on very well with his family, and his mother and sister are married to people from my culture. A clash of cultures is not the problem I don't think If they are both married why is your boyfriend still contributing to a household when he doesn't even live with them?

BadSun · 23/10/2019 19:44

It sounds like his culture/religion are very sexually conservative and anti-lust, and he's struggling to reconcile that with the feelings of lust he has. So he looks at this pornstar's pictures and lusts over her, then feels guilty and ashamed about it and then he lashes out at you about it.

In addition to what you said about him coping poorly with stress and having tried to take his own life in the past, I would say he clearly has some major issues. If he were to take you back, would you want to try to work through those with him? Get him to see a therapist maybe?

Personally I think it sounds like a lot of work. Maybe just let him go.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/10/2019 19:56

You are in your 20s. He is in his 30s but hasn't resolved any of his many problems.
Do you really want to dedicate your young life.. because that is what helping him really means in this case... to fixing this sulky, disrespectful man's many and varied problems when he's ready to dump you at the first fence?
Do you really want to sacrifice your earnings to supplement his or your joint income so that he can continue to be praised for propping up his mother and sister's lifestyles? just because its tradition? Whilst he harps on about how many people have cheated on him?
As almost everyone else has said run for it.

TypingoftheDead · 23/10/2019 20:01

I'd also say you dodged a bullet - I am sympathetic about his past abuse, but it doesn't sound like he really wants to address any of his issues. You cannot fix him yourself, either.
I see some of his 'qualities' in my last ex - fake feminism, grumpy when behaviour challenged (all I asked was for him to stop playing a game on his mobile while we were waiting for lunch, and have an actual conversation!), bit of a hypocrite.
I don't miss my head being messed with like that.

You're not "a bitch" for spotting his hypocrisy and querying it - most people would have at least been taken aback by it, even if they didn't say anything.
You're not "disrespectful" for asking does he want dinner! Holy crap! If I had a partner and they asked me that while I was out, I'd most likely think they were being considerate. I can see why he might be annoyed at you asking how long he'd be if he gave you one time and didn't keep to it, but still, he overreacted massively.

Tellmetruth4 · 23/10/2019 20:10

You can do far better. I pity the woman who ends up marrying him.

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 20:18

I'd also mention I am the first girlfriend he's had in 8 years, and second in total. Not hard to understand why hey 😔

OP posts:
rhinocrash · 23/10/2019 20:40

Is anyone else turning to their DP/DH and thinking thank fuck I've got you and not someone like that twat?

@florenceflossie You can and WILL find someone much, much nicer. wouldn't be difficult as the bar is set very low with him

AnyFucker · 23/10/2019 20:42

@rhinocrash every day

CorBlimeyGovenor · 23/10/2019 21:46

Run for the hills!! Sadly he sounds like a rather conflicted soul, trying to balance competing cultures with differing values. I would be wary of settling down with someone long term (esp if you wanted a family) if he was still expected to provide for his mother and sister and if he has previously made an attempt on his own life). None of this sounds like a happy place to be involved in. Unfortunately two of my friends dated/were engaged to quite vulnerable people who had both had previous attempts on their lives. The first, appeared normal and settled until they bought a house together, got engaged and were expecting a baby. He then suddenly couldn't cope and left a note and walked out. The second was in a long term relationship with a lady. She became more depressed/reclusive and then, when he considered splitting up with her, he came home from work to find that she's hung herself. Both friends have been left devastated by the turn of events. Of course, there are people who once had a problem with mental health and it is now in the past. But your partner/ex sounds very much troubled and I can't really see it changing given his deep-seated family issues.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 23/10/2019 22:16

30 he has the mentality and maturity of a 13 year old. Run and don’t look back!

ptumbi · 24/10/2019 09:12

OP - you say you're dumped, but I reckon in a few days, when you've had the chance to reflect on your failings Hmm and worried about him enough, he'll be back. He'll graciously and magnanimously ]angry] allow you to welcome him back with open arms and a hot meal, and next time you won't raise anything likely to 'set him off' and you will be a much better girlfriend to him. Next time. Angry

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