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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

dumped for being a bitch?

187 replies

florenceflossie · 23/10/2019 15:08

At the first sign of argument. I am in my 20s, he is in his 30s.

Me and boyfriend were still really in an (extended) honeymoon period of lovey dovey stuff up until about a month ago. He got a promotion, I graduated from a post-grad and looking for work, my mother got ill, he moved house - normal life stuff, but stressful none the less.

My boyfriend copes with stress poorly. In the past has suffered appalling mental health (has attempted to take his life before I knew him) and is in a family situation in which he is taken advantage of financially. Perhaps because of his culture, he is still expected to give money to his sister (who works) and his mother (who abused him physically/mentally as a child). He is approaching being broke, as am I. Difference of course, is he has promotion, but obviously more stress with longer hours.

Anyway, things were going amazingly until three weeks ago. He was distant because of the stress. In the night he would wake and pace the room writing lists of budgets etc. He confided in me that his family situation was getting him down. I comforted him and reassured him that his feelings were valid, and tried to offer practical help like painting his new house whilst he was at work, doing his laundry etc., and made his meals/batched cooked and froze some meals for when I wasn't there. I know it's not much but in my position it was the most I could do.

We've had two "disagreements" in the entirety of our relationship. I say disagreement because it never escalates to an argument - I have never raised my voice or sworn at him, and he hasn't to me. The disagreements have literally been "nagging" at most from me, but in my mind not unreasonable nagging? The first time was asking him when he would be back from seeing a friend for a coffee during a weekend at his house (we are LDR: said he would be back at one time and after an hour passed this I said: "what time will you be back? :) do you want any dinner?" Apparently that was disrespectful.

Second time was about porn. He makes a point of not watching it Confused I'm not trying to be a cool girlfriend here, but I really don't care if my partners do watch it. I mean, there are circumstances in which it would piss me off - e.g. if it was chosen over me, but generally couldn't care less. Anyway, he makes a point of saying how he hates the sexualisation of women. He uses social media for his business and unfollows/deletes women regularly who post selfies etc. He says porn makes him feel uncomfortable. He hates feelings of "lust". He won't talk about sex. He says that lust ruins lives (his father cheated on his mother, his sister cheated with his best friend, his first girlfriend cheated on him...)

So a few weeks ago, I was on Instagram and saw that he had liked a picture of a pornstar (well known) Confused so I called him asking why he had done that, when he said he hated stuff like that. He wouldn't discuss it saying he couldn't remember doing it. Conversation lasted 2 minutes if that. I apologised immediately - said that I appreciate it wasn't a major issue considering our current stresses, and that I had had a bad day etc., and I didn't particularly care.

But he wouldn't let it go. Like I said, I never raise my voice to him, I didn't swear - I just asked a question, because in my mind it seemed so unlike him (and it was on his business page).

Anyway, after a week of him effectively sulking and making me feel bad, I apologised again and said it didn't really bother me BUT that I stand by the fact I mentioned it, because it was previously discussed as something he wouldn't do, and it was more a discussion that an argument.

He said I was making him feel guilty, accusing him of being lustful and how could he ever open up to me again when I twisted his words so much? That he can't see past this ... Why did I have to make him feel bad? I thought I was his soulmate etc etc. He said I had put pressure on him.

I am honestly shocked. The level of overreaction on my behalf is something i will own, and take responsibility for, especially considering his circumstances. I said I understood that he was feel pressures, and that I had added to them, but that ultimately, I was on his side, was willing to work at us etc... he said he thinks we should break up, he was confused, that the last few weeks had been weird

We haven't spoken since this meeting. It was nearly a week ago. I told him I was willing to meet again if he wanted to, but this hasn't been discussed.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 23/10/2019 16:16

Sounds like a complete weirdo. And a pathetic man child with nothing going for him if I’m honest

IamPickleRick · 23/10/2019 16:17

Can I ask if you are from the same culture?

My DP is a Muslim (I am not). He has managed to juggle a traditional family life with a modern outlook. Often it is at odds and balancing his family life with his personal life has been difficult.

I think your DP carries guilt from feeling “lustful” and is making that your fault. It sounds like he’ll probably always struggle with that because he has reacted so badly, and you are better off out!

purplepalace · 23/10/2019 16:17

I don't thinks it's age or culture; I think he's probably faking all the equality he's spouting and is actually quite traditional, even with misogynistic streaks. You spotted hypocrisy and you drew his attention to it and now you are the bad guy because you cracked his image.

This ^^ exactly this!

YobaOljazUwaque · 23/10/2019 16:18

You are not a bitch
And you cannot fix him

Take a deep breath, straighten your crown and move on.

LeftoverPizza · 23/10/2019 16:21

Run for the hills. It shouldn’t be this hard

StreetwiseHercules · 23/10/2019 16:21

This guy has a whole bag of issues. Steer clear.

ThatsLongFam · 23/10/2019 16:21

He sounds like someone with major issues. Don’t get caught up in playing the rescuer. He dumped you? Fine. He did you a favour. Find someone who isn’t so messed up about sex and relationships.

ptumbi · 23/10/2019 16:22

Mental health issues, financial issues, issues around sex and fidelity, maybe religious issues/guilt/repression, too?

That's a recipe for disaster and you are best off out of it.

^ You know it. Get rid before you fail to come up to his imaginary thresholds.

And STOP using the word 'nag'! Angry It's only ever used against women. Men ask (repeatedly if necessary) - women nag. Women are incapable of asking, they nag Angry. Don't buy into it. If you are asking again, it's because your questions have not been answered. Not because you are a nag.

IamPickleRick · 23/10/2019 16:23

I also disagree that being married to someone from a different culture makes much difference. I think this is partly a culture clash. Your culture and learned behaviour doesn’t change because you are married to someone.

All of my SIL’s are married to men from my culture and they still hold their own ceremonies and traditions, and yes, judgements. It’s give and take on all of them and each of us have found our own equilibrium in what works for our own relationships.

I don’t think he’s comfortable and feels guilty.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 23/10/2019 16:25

@florenceflossie - Look up "reaction formation". That's your boyfriend. He's suppressing something he is refusing to deal with, and then it comes out sideways ... and, of course, you're the one who's blamed; your the scapegoat. So much easier for him than facing his demons.

Leave him well alone.

messolini9 · 23/10/2019 16:25

He has giant issues, @florenceflossie, & unless you genuinely don't mind playing second fiddle to those issues, always being less important than his family, or having to walk on eggshells in case of inadvertent "disrespect", I would get out before it gets any more painful.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 23/10/2019 16:25

*you're - ffs!

Qu1tter · 23/10/2019 16:25

Honestly project yourself into the future with this guy.

Huffing, silent treatment, deflection, gaslighting, hypocrisy.... Red flags for a future of emotional abuse.

He has been raised in an emotionally abusive household. It's how he learned to communicate and interact. You won't change him.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 23/10/2019 16:28

Incredibly manipulative. He'll have you questioning yourself about everything before long.

He sounds the type to lie, be called out on it, minimise the truth and tell you he only lied because you're "mental".

Honestly my love it doesn't have to be like this. If he won't communicate about sex, things that concern you, issues within the relationship then how will you two navigate a long term relationship that is happy and respectful?

You'll either end up fighting all the time or you'll be trained to not question him (aka "start an argument" by this type of man) for a quiet life. A quiet, unhappy life.

Come on OP you deserve to be happy and have fun with your partner! This is such hard work and the behaviour he's showing you is the type that only gets worse.

MattBerrysHair · 23/10/2019 16:29

The fact he tries to make his feelings your responsibility is massively shitty. He doesn't like his behaviour questioned, feels guilty because he should, then makes it all your fault. You are doing yourself a huge disservice with all that apologising, you had absolutely nothing to apologise for. Maybe it's time to work out why you are so willing to take on the burden of someone else's emotional crap? Definitely do not get back together with this man!

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 23/10/2019 16:34

Sounds like he's done you a favour tbh. Relationships should not be this hard. I couldn't be bothered with the drama.

Grumpelstilskin · 23/10/2019 16:39

Ignore @DoctorAllcome OP. A Penile apologist. And I agree with almost everyone else on this thread. Run! This is someone with some serious fucked-up issues around sex and intimacy. It is all so reminiscent of the usual hypocritical ‘hellfire brimstone brigade’ who tend to vociferously condemn sexual acts and orientations only to be caught out doing precisely what they so vigorously condemn. Like anti-gay spokespeople caught having sex with a man in their offices etc.

incognitomum · 23/10/2019 16:41

I think you need to look into why you're prepared to put up with this level of dysfunction?

I hope you don't chase him and take time to heal and maybe get some help. Whether in person or through reading it may help?

Coyoacan · 23/10/2019 16:42

The only people who are defending the bf are people who think there was a misunderstanding about the pornstar. The fact is it is reaction to the question that is the problem, not the fact that the OP asked. Why shouldn't she have asked?

I'm with all the rest. His attitude to sexuality is totally unhealthy (and I am 100% against porn myself, but lust is brilliant stuff), he closes down and punishes any disagreement on the part of the OP and she is supposed to do all the running.

Please, OP, this man will make your life a misery. I know it is hard to put an end to something that you saw as good, but better to cut it off now than later.

Deadringer · 23/10/2019 16:43

He sounds like a pain in the arse, and a lying hypocrite to boot. You are young, find someone more worth your time.

NoProblem123 · 23/10/2019 16:45

He’s not the catch of the century.
Stop questioning yourself you did nothing wrong. Run for the hills

fridgegrazer · 23/10/2019 16:47

It depends if you want a partner or a project.

SoundofSilence · 23/10/2019 16:49

I think you're probably well rid of him.

Beveren · 23/10/2019 16:49

He's a sulking, controlling, manipulative twat with serious sexual hang ups as well

This. I'm a little sceptical of tales of him attempting to take his life, as that is one of the favourite tactics of the emotional abuser. If he tries threatening that again to you, ignore it.

FrancisCrawford · 23/10/2019 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.