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Was I inappropriate towards my friends husband

(259 Posts)
Mummblebee Sun 25-Nov-18 00:21:37

Went to a friends gathering yesterday. She is a newly wed. We've been friends for over 10 years. Towards the end of the night I was sitting on the couch and friends husband was falling asleep. Room full of people, lots of alcohol, music still going. I was about to start talking to husband then realising he was beginning to fall asleep I literally brushed my hand over his head, he woke up and I started rambling on about small talk. My friend came over and sat on his lap and we all carried on chatting I thought nothing of it. We have a photo of that exact moment with me sitting next to her husband with my arm on the back of the couch.. Her on his lap and me holding her hand. Clearly very affectionate towards the pair of them. I a big supporter of them as a couple and they have been quite intimately involved with me and my daughter. I'm a single mum.

Today friend text me and said we need to talk.. I called her and she said she thought t it was very inappropriate that I touched her husband on the hair and noone should touch her husband at all as its disrespectful. I was quite taken aback. There was absolutely nothing malicious on my part at all. I was clearly touchy with them both. Did I cross an obvious boundary with my friends husband or is she just insecure?

This friend and her husband are very intimately involved with my baby daughter and myself. So I just assumed we are all comfortable and good friends. They are always saying that we are family but clearly I need to be very careful as to not make people feel uncomfortable.

Was this single act crossing boundaries for most married people?

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Sun 25-Nov-18 00:23:48

Could you not have given him a nudge on the arm? Touching someone’s head or face is quite intimate.

PurpleDaisies Sun 25-Nov-18 00:25:28

It was an odd thing to do. I’d have tapped someone on the shoulder or hand if they were falling asleep.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow Sun 25-Nov-18 00:25:42

It is inappropriate to be touching him, yes.

Mummblebee Sun 25-Nov-18 00:29:11

Yes that's fair enough. I just thought we were all close so didn't think twice at the time. They both kiss and cuddle my daughter and always sayind we are all family so I just felt comfortable. Didn't realise it could have been considered inappropriate...perhaps annoying but inappropriate.. What do they think of me!?

OP’s posts: |
sadiesnakes Sun 25-Nov-18 00:29:32

Intimately involved with your baby daughter and yourself? hmm Strange choice of words op...

Asides- Without being there to actually see the dynamics it's hard to call, you obviously feel it's all innocent, she doesn't.**
*I was clearly touchy with them both*.. Kind of makes me feel you may have over stepped the mark.

Darkstar4855 Sun 25-Nov-18 00:29:34

I would feel uncomfortable if someone touched my partner’s hair like that. If you were trying to wake him up a touch to the shoulder or upper arm would have been more appropriate.

It’s a good sign of the strength of your friendship that she felt able to be honest about her concerns. I would apologise to her and say you did it without thinking and will be more considerate of her feelings in future.

Mummblebee Sun 25-Nov-18 00:31:43

Intimate as in they pick her up and see to her and basically act like she is their own! I spend loads of time with them as a couple and we all talk just the three of us etc.

OP’s posts: |
Notacluewhatthisis Sun 25-Nov-18 00:32:01

Yeah if you did that to my Dp I would be fucked off.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow Sun 25-Nov-18 00:32:23

I just thought we were all close so didn't think twice at the time. They both kiss and cuddle my daughter and always sayind we are all family

Being close does not give carte blanche to touch people inappropriately though does it?

I think you have boundary issues dont be suprised if they dont back away from you

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 25-Nov-18 00:32:44

I’m sure they’re very fond of you and your daughter. But I agree saying they’re “intimately involved” with you both is an odd expression. Unless you’re actually family, you’re not family, you’re friends.

They’re a recently married couple. You’re their friend who has a child they like.

Who were you friends with first?

TinklyLittleLaugh Sun 25-Nov-18 00:38:08

It's quite intimate to touch someone's face or head. I'm struggling to think of a male friend I would do it to. Perhaps years and years ago when I was a student and we were always hugging and sitting on each other's laps and stuff. Are you all very young OP?

Thinking about it, I'd be pretty mad if a woman touched DH's face. At a party once, a colleague of DH's was flirting and touched my face (stroked my nose) and I honestly felt like he'd touched my breast or something, a real feeling of violation that I couldn't quite explain.

Mummblebee Sun 25-Nov-18 00:38:49

OK that's fair enough.. I was surprised that she was so upset that she felt the need to make it an issue.. We all had a lot to drink and it was minor in my opinion. It wasnt a relationship type touch.. More of a hey wake up.. Party is going on.. Drunk talk. I literally just wanted to get his attention haha. But will be more cautious in future around my married friends generally. I already did apologise to her for making her feel uncomfortable and let her no I didn't think at the time it was inappropriate and obviously we were all very drunk.

OP’s posts: |
SylviaAndSidney Sun 25-Nov-18 00:41:29

Jesus, you seriously need to learn what intimately involved means 😷

BumbleBeee69 Sun 25-Nov-18 00:41:51

Tell them to PISS off pair of weidos trying to make someone out of nothing FFS hmm

RCohle Sun 25-Nov-18 00:41:58

I'm not sure why it matters whether or not this would be considered inappropriate by most people (although I think it would). Surely it's enough that it has bothered your "intimate" friend enough that she has spoken to you about it?

I think maybe you need to consider your boundaries with this couple.

BumbleBeee69 Sun 25-Nov-18 00:42:13


Angharad07 Sun 25-Nov-18 00:43:00

It probably was an overstepping of boundaries but I’d have brushed it off if that was my dp and friend. I think her messaging you after was a bit dramatic...if she’s come into an empty room and you were there stroking his hair then if understand

FunkyKingston Sun 25-Nov-18 00:45:50

Ruffling a long term friend's hair. Wouldn't give it a second thought. There are clearly issues in this relationship that have nothing to do with you or what you did.

loubluee Sun 25-Nov-18 00:46:09

I would be uncomfortable if a friend done that to dp and I am a touchy type person, if that makes sense. I would also be uncomfortable if someone done that to me. A nudge would have been more appropraite.

Choccywoccyhooha Sun 25-Nov-18 00:46:13

Nah, I wouldn't be bothered if a good friend touched my husband's head, it's not like you were stroking his hair or fondling the back of his neck.

TinklyLittleLaugh Sun 25-Nov-18 00:47:17

Do you think "intimately involved" means something sexual Sylvia? It can do, but not always.

Mummblebee Sun 25-Nov-18 00:48:40

I completely understand what their boundaries are now and will act accordingly.. Im happy to not even see husband and just see the friend.. It's her that's lways encouraging us all to does time together because he really likes my daughter.. Which at first I wasn't at all comfortable with as I didn't really know him but over time I do feel comfortable with him as a friend.

I'm asking about what most people think so I know for future reference how to act with married friends/ in my mid twenties. I'm aware that I can have issues around boundaries both with myself and others so trying to clarify. I felt it was a mountain over a molehill but I'm happy to act accordingly moving forward. Hell if she doesn't want me to speak to her husband I won't! It's really a non issue for me.

OP’s posts: |
Mummblebee Sun 25-Nov-18 00:50:30

Encouraging us to all spend time together *

OP’s posts: |
user1484424013 Sun 25-Nov-18 00:51:19

She is an arsehole. You have been drawn into a comfort with them and they allowed this. She an fuck off. He is a h see the thumb twat. Like shit you should let them near your child again because this is the start of it. On another note you brushed his head... You did not actually give him head so most of the reactions on here are fucking ridiculous. Blame is at her door not yours.

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