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Original poster

Was I inappropriate towards my friends husband

258 replies

Mummblebee · 25/11/2018 00:21

Went to a friends gathering yesterday. She is a newly wed. We've been friends for over 10 years. Towards the end of the night I was sitting on the couch and friends husband was falling asleep. Room full of people, lots of alcohol, music still going. I was about to start talking to husband then realising he was beginning to fall asleep I literally brushed my hand over his head, he woke up and I started rambling on about small talk. My friend came over and sat on his lap and we all carried on chatting I thought nothing of it. We have a photo of that exact moment with me sitting next to her husband with my arm on the back of the couch.. Her on his lap and me holding her hand. Clearly very affectionate towards the pair of them. I a big supporter of them as a couple and they have been quite intimately involved with me and my daughter. I'm a single mum.

Today friend text me and said we need to talk.. I called her and she said she thought t it was very inappropriate that I touched her husband on the hair and noone should touch her husband at all as its disrespectful. I was quite taken aback. There was absolutely nothing malicious on my part at all. I was clearly touchy with them both. Did I cross an obvious boundary with my friends husband or is she just insecure?

This friend and her husband are very intimately involved with my baby daughter and myself. So I just assumed we are all comfortable and good friends. They are always saying that we are family but clearly I need to be very careful as to not make people feel uncomfortable.

Was this single act crossing boundaries for most married people?

OP posts:
galaxy101 · 25/11/2018 06:54

Depends how you did it. If you ruffled his hair, fine.. if you ran your fingers through it I wouldn't like it.

Birdsgottafly · 25/11/2018 07:02

"I'm aware that I can have issues around boundaries both with myself and others"

I think you've overstepped the mark by what you did and by starting this thread.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, besides from your Friends.

If I was going asleep in my own house, I'd be pissed off if a Man stroked my head to wake me up.

Person asleep = keep your hands off. A nudge possibly, but in my house, I get to have a nap.

It's her that wants to speak to you, but you might find it's on behalf of him.

He gets to set his own boundaries and they get to set their boundaries as a couple.

No-one else's opinion matters.

LotsToThinkOf · 25/11/2018 07:05

You brushed the top of his head and she came over and sat on his knee. She does sound controlling, I'd be pissed off that she thinks so little of you. I don't think you did anything wrong OP and I'd be avoiding them from now on.

Petalflowers · 25/11/2018 07:06

So he was falling asleep next to you, and you nudged/touched him on his head to wake him up. Nothing wrong with that.

Birdsgottafly · 25/11/2018 07:07

OP how have your boundary issues manifested before with Men, or Friends?

londonrach · 25/11/2018 07:08

Sound ott. Messaging afterwards. I suspect problems in their relationship. Step back from this.

Dilisk · 25/11/2018 07:17

I’m more intrigued by the fact that she goes, your your account, from being ‘a close friend’ for ten years to being ‘controlling’, histrionic and someone you don’t like very much in the space of a few posts. Which is it?

usernamenamename · 25/11/2018 07:17

Your friend was being weird

NicePieceOfPlaid · 25/11/2018 07:20

I don't see how you did anything wrong. Friend sounds a bit of a nutjob.

brizzledrizzle · 25/11/2018 07:21

Yes, you were inappropriate. I wouldn't dream of sitting with my arm along the sofa behind another person's partner and certainly wouldn't touch their head.

ballsdeep · 25/11/2018 07:23

It all sounds very incestuous. You brushing his hair off his face then holding her hand when she was sat on her lap? It's like the start of a badly made porn film.

Birdsgottafly · 25/11/2018 07:27

So for all those saying the friends are wierd are you OK with a Man stroking your head when you're asleep?

Are you OK with being woken up if you've decided to have a cat nap in your house?

"from being ‘a close friend’ for ten years to being ‘controlling’, histrionic and someone you don’t like very much in the space of a few posts."

Who she leaves her DD with.

Omunye · 25/11/2018 07:28

I’m more intrigued by the fact that she goes, your your account, from being ‘a close friend’ for ten years to being ‘controlling’, histrionic and someone you don’t like very much in the space of a few posts. Which is it?

Me too.

The situation sounds odd and you both have issues.

notsohippychick · 25/11/2018 07:29

Blimey talk about making a drama (not you, your friend)

I think I’m a weird way this has been a good thing. She sounds horrible. “Adding value to her life”??? What a shit thing to say. She does sound a bit unhinged and I’d steer clear.

You’ll be treading on eggshells from now on and questioning everything. That’s nit friendship.

Let her find other people to add value to her life,,,,,,.!

Threewheeler1 · 25/11/2018 07:31

Wouldn't bother me, not at all.

Oblomov18 · 25/11/2018 07:31

I don't see it as boundary crossing. She seems very prickly. Touching hair of a very close friend is ok, not to someone you don't know that well obviously. But then I am naturally tactile and affectionate.

Ski4130 · 25/11/2018 07:34

Bordsgottafly - am I comfortable with a friend (be that man, or woman) innocently touching my head to wake me up? Yes. I understand boundaries, and can read situations relatively well, and I’ve never felt weird, or inappropriate hugging, kissing (on the cheek) or touching (on the arm, or any other myriad of innocuous ways) friends. I’m not jealous, and would not have an issue with a friend touching dh like that either. We’re all adults, I would never make the leap from someone brushing dh’s hair to wake him up (though to be fair, he’d be more likely to get a poke on the arm or a bellow in his ear to rouse him from our friends!) to someone being inappropriate. It just doesn’t make sense?

Rarfy · 25/11/2018 07:37

I have been in this situation and it's awful. A friends girlfriend was sat next to dp and in her drunkenness kept stroking his hair.

Dp the twat in his drunkenness just sat there and let it happen.

I never said anything at the time, she was too drunk but i suspect her dp wasnt happy about it either as we have never really seen them since and it was well over a year ago.

LL83 · 25/11/2018 07:39

I think you are the frenemy.

If I had unintentionally upset my friend I would apologise and not do it again. I wouldn't write off the friendship.

You start off saying how important they are, especially the female and a few posts later you don't like her at all and she is controlling/frenemy.

What you did wasn't too bad but now you know how she feels respect that. Don't make a drama out of it.

Celebelly · 25/11/2018 07:39

If I'm not happy with someone touching me, I'll tell them myself. This woman's partner is, presumably, an adult and capable of using words to make a sentence? I wonder if he even knows she sent that message. I doubt it.

As to whether I'd like it or not, it really depends on who it was. If it was my best friend's partner, who I've known for years, then this wouldn't be odd at all. If it was some random I'd just met that night, then that's different. It entirely depends on relationship dynamic. The sitting on someone's knee thing is classic behaviour marking territory, though, so I think the issue is that the woman either has existing worries about OP's feelings towards her partner or is worried about her partner's feelings towards OP.

AJPTaylor · 25/11/2018 07:41

Just back away slowly.

Birdsgottafly · 25/11/2018 07:41

Threewheeler1, that's unusual, most people, especially Women aren't happy being touched when asleep.

But then we've all got the right to draw our own boundaries.

prawnsword · 25/11/2018 07:50

It sounds to me like your touch was less a mate like scruff of the head & nudge of the arm & more a tender caress of the head/face ?

You clearly don't seem to like this woman as much as you say you're 'like family' - as soon as she tells you she's uncomfortable with your behaviour crossing her personal boundary, now it seems the entire friendship is in question.

The way you describe them being intimately involved - while I did not interpret that in a sexual manner, it did come across as some kind of emotional incest of sorts. Yes they are friends & involved in you & your daughter's life, but they are obviously just friends, not family or this would probably not have been a problem in the 1st place ? You could have laughed & got over it ? But this one comment has uncovered all this simmering tension between you & the hidden contempt it sounds like you feel for her.

Also as a side note, people who are very touchy can sometimes break boundaries without knowing in the eyes of people who see touch as being a highly personal, intimate thing. You describe yourself as being touchy due to having had a few drinks - that's a common thing, but you need to be aware that not everybody is comfortable with physical touch expressed so freely, even if they are drunk.

ChessIsASport · 25/11/2018 07:57

I wonder if maybe the friend has picked up on the fact that you don’t like her? You started off by saying you were being very affectionate to them both, so if she has realised that you don’t actually like her, she probably was wondering why.

You also said that you had your arm on the back of the sofa, I’m assuming going behind her husband. Maybe she thought you had your arm round him?

SuchAToDo · 25/11/2018 08:02

Op how does your friend even know that you touched her husband's hair?...did she see it?...did someone else in the room see it and tell her?..or was it her husband who told her?....

I think if I was waking someone up I'd just call their name and nudge/tap their arm...

If she is the jealous type you may want to lay off the term intimately involved ...as imagine how it sounds to her ears ...oh X I would never behave inappropriately with your husband, i am intimately involved with him and with you,...that would rile up a jealous person

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