Was I inappropriate towards my friends husband

[Mummblebee]

Went to a friends gathering yesterday. She is a newly wed. We've been friends for over 10 years. Towards the end of the night I was sitting on the couch and friends husband was falling asleep. Room full of people, lots of alcohol, music still going. I was about to start talking to husband then realising he was beginning to fall asleep I literally brushed my hand over his head, he woke up and I started rambling on about small talk. My friend came over and sat on his lap and we all carried on chatting I thought nothing of it. We have a photo of that exact moment with me sitting next to her husband with my arm on the back of the couch.. Her on his lap and me holding her hand. Clearly very affectionate towards the pair of them. I a big supporter of them as a couple and they have been quite intimately involved with me and my daughter. I'm a single mum.

Today friend text me and said we need to talk.. I called her and she said she thought t it was very inappropriate that I touched her husband on the hair and noone should touch her husband at all as its disrespectful. I was quite taken aback. There was absolutely nothing malicious on my part at all. I was clearly touchy with them both. Did I cross an obvious boundary with my friends husband or is she just insecure?

This friend and her husband are very intimately involved with my baby daughter and myself. So I just assumed we are all comfortable and good friends. They are always saying that we are family but clearly I need to be very careful as to not make people feel uncomfortable.

Was this single act crossing boundaries for most married people?

Well she was sobber when she called you today, so we can rule out the drink talking. It obviously really bothered her, so much that she had to call you.

I can't see how you can be comfortable around them now she's given you a slap on the wrist (although, personally, I'd much rather know where I stand than feel there's something wrong, but not know what - you definitely know what's wrong, no ambiguity here). I think she sat on his lap because she felt uncomfortable with you touching him.

You've apologised and told her there was no ill intent behind it, I believe you when you say so. I'd leave the ball in her court now, regarding meeting up next time.

Sorry this has happened op, it's a shame if you all got on so well.

ffs run away
you can do better for friends.the first thing our best friend does when he comes in my house is give me a hug and ruffle my hair.his wife would then hug me and a peck on the cheek.been doing it for decades.

Crikey. If you're such close friends not a bother!
I wouldn't be too happy with being pulled about it tbh. It was affection. FFS!!
I would be quite angry actually. Perhaps she got jealous.
Good luck

It wouldn’t bother me or any of my friends both in and out of relationships. She’s being touchy and insecure and it’s ridiculous but if that’s the boundary she wants to impose, I’d respect it or you’ll lose them both.

Nothing to worry about I am sure, party time.alcohol etc, your friend is being silly..

It’s not inappropriate! She’s nuts

Anyone touching dh’s head gets their hand cut off.

I’d be fuming if I was you!! How dare she accuse me of being inappropriate/ wtf is she implying?! Would be my thoughts.

The friendship would be done for me.

Oh and sitting on his lap. Immature / needy much. Obvs very insecure.

💐

She's definitely insecure. If her DH didn't like being touched on the head then he should have told you himself, but he's not her property and she shouldn't be telling you off for it. Although, like a pp said, at least know you know.

Going forward, if I were you I'd be a bit careful about who you touch as judging from this thread there are a lot of insecure wifes about.

Blimey, I’m shocked at some of the reactions on here. Your action wouldn’t bother me at all. She must be very insecure.

She’s overreacted, presumably because she’s massively insecure, which is why she came over and sat on his lap. It’s sad really but it’s her issue to deal with not your problem so I think that’s massively unfair of her.

you did nothing wrong and too be honest op mumsnet is not always representative of my real life where I'm from people often touch each other and no one is offended. i don't know anyone who would have a problem with what you did. I would be very offended of I was you and tell her so she obviously sees you as a single women desperate for her husband. You have been good friends for years yet she is going to question your morals over this. I would pull back a lot this is seriously odd behaviour

I'd have no problem at all with the hair touching. Not if I was secure in myself and my relationship - which I was for 20 years until DH died. Now I'm also a single mum and from this perspective I'd be devastated if a 'friend' talked to me the way yours talked to you. Especially as you talk about the friendship with both of them being like family - her words.

This kind of behaviour- from over the top levels of friendship (love bombing) to devaluing - is called narcissistic. I'm wondering OP if she got a lot of attention/glory from supporting you through having your child. That would be typical Narc behaviour. And now that you've settled you literally have less value. I had similar from one person when I was bereaved. It hurt as she really was amazing at the time. But once the devalue, dump pattern set in it became clear that she was in fact a danger to me and I have distanced myself. I've focused on friendships that are less intense but more stable.

Stuff like this is particularly hard when you're a single parent. It rubs it in your face. Harder still when it's someone who'd made themselves so important to you and your daughter. I think it's her rather than you that has crossed a line and you should be rightly wary of her unless and until she makes amends.

She’s bonkers. You need friends, who don’t see you as a predator because you’re single. Backing away a bit is a good idea.

She pisses me off and I don't know her. I'm a single mum too. No, I don't want to run off with your husband.

'Add value to them as a couple's implies you have NO value because you're single and she's 'moved on' . Bitch. Get genuine friends who don't care what your relationship status is. Her message to you is nasty - she's not your friend.

I think it would depend on your body language at the time. If you gazed at him with cartoon hearts coming out of your eyes then yes, I would be pissed off if I were her.

On a side note I don't understand something. How old is your DD? You refer to her as baby but say you've known the couple for years but that he was new on the scene when you had DD? I don't understand how long you've known them for

Also who did you know first, the husband or the wife?

I'm really torn on this one. Most of me says it's ridiculous and she's insecure as hell. The other bit knows that I wouldn't like it - only in secret though, I have a jealous streak a mile wide that I keep very well hidden, because I'm aware it's pretty pathetic.

IT's no big deal and she is making drama where there isn't any. I have friends that I am close to and none of us would give it a second thought if this happened.

Also I am not jealous in the slightest. My hubby once had a random girl come up and kiss him when I was in the toilet at a night club.

He told me, he hadn't kissed her back and we both laughed it off. The end haha.

I agree with a PP poster though that if she doesn't want you doing it it's not ok even if she is being over the top

I honestly don’t see the problem, how is touching sleekness head inappropriate?! I’m struggling, really struggling, to understand some of the reactions on here. I would have no issue with a friend touching my husband like that, because I don’t think that a friend touching another friend innocently is wrong. I’m a hugger though, as is my dh, and most of our close friends, so physical contact isn’t taboo.

Someone’s not sleekness!

See, I don't really touch anyone other than dp and dc, I'm affectionate but not very tactile. Maybe that's why I see it as a bit inappropriate.

What?! Not inappropriate at all. She sounds like a loon.

I think you need to take a massive step back from this couple.

I'm betting this has nothing to do with you and is solely an issue between them.

They are not your friends, as this incident shows, if you had the close relationship they 'appeared' to have with you then you brushing his hair would not even been noticed let alone commented on other then a laugh and a joke about him falling asleep mid party.