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Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

(1000 Posts)
questi0n Mon 16-Apr-18 07:56:58

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP’s posts: |
PyongyangKipperbang Mon 16-Apr-18 08:57:31

Of course he thinks he is perfectly reasonable, because you have told him that he is by enabling this fucking ridiculous behaviour for years and years.

YimminiYoudar Mon 16-Apr-18 08:57:37

I thought the thread title was going to be either a bullying abusive husband requiring a hand-job every morning, or a recently disabled husband needing additional personal care.

But no it's just a selfish arse who thinks his wife is a servant.

Get some self-respect OP and start saying no. Either he takes personal responsibility for all this, or he hires a PA to do all this for him as part of their job description. It's not your problem.

BestBeforeYesterday Mon 16-Apr-18 08:57:46

These threads crop up regularly on MN and I am always amazed at what some women put up with. Why did you think his requests were reasonable the first time he made them? Because I know I wouldn't have taken the request seriously. I'd have thought he was making a joke. Surely no grown-up would honestly expect someone else to get them ready for work? Why didn't you tell him to eff off the very first time he wanted "full assistance"?

questi0n Mon 16-Apr-18 08:58:46

Even on holiday, I can't remember what he was saying to me, but my son told him he shouldn't talk to me like that because I'm not one of his employees.

On the other hand, he can be really thoughtful and kind and I know he'd do anything for us. You can't confront him about his behaviour because it's as if he can't cope with criticism, especially on a personal level. He over- reacts and gets quite volatile, so I guess I just avoid it.

OP’s posts: |
sameoldsame Mon 16-Apr-18 08:59:27

Money
That’s why people put up with it

cestlavielife Mon 16-Apr-18 08:59:37

----To be honest, two of the DC are secondary age now, but he was exactly the same when they were in reception.-'

Time to wake up and stop treating him like another 5 year old.
Change your behaviour.
He will have to learn to do his own stuff

If he can cycle to London and back he can get himself to work

drspouse Mon 16-Apr-18 09:00:21

@corlan me too blush

cestlavielife Mon 16-Apr-18 09:00:39

So he gets volatile?
What are you scared of ?
Does he threaten you?

Kirta Mon 16-Apr-18 09:01:03

Bloody hell. The 'full assistance' bit would have made me do some serious eye rolling. My husband and I both have fairly pressured jobs (at times) and help each other out if either one of us has a particularly tricky day ahead, but it's usually more of a 'you wouldn't mind giving me a hand would you...?' Rather than a barked order. That would go down (on both sides) like a steaming pile of shit.

CurbsideProphet Mon 16-Apr-18 09:01:07

It sounds deeply unsexy to have a husband who cannot get himself ready for work without someone laying out his clothes. He's obviously capable of doing this himself. Perhaps he has forgotten that you are his wife and not a member of staff?

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 16-Apr-18 09:01:37

Are his mittens on a string through the sleeves of his coat?

He sounds a PITA.

You're his wife - not his mother - and if he's old enough and big enough to cycle on the roads, he is old enough and big enough to sort himself out.

Dulra Mon 16-Apr-18 09:02:03

Have you stepped out of the 1950's!!! If you are happy with this type of dynamic fine but it really wouldn't be my cup of tea

On the other hand, he can be really thoughtful and kind and I know he'd do anything for us. You can't confront him about his behaviour because it's as if he can't cope with criticism, especially on a personal level. He over- reacts and gets quite volatile, so I guess I just avoid it. This does not sound healthy at all you are all walking on egg shells around him I do not know how you cope in this kind of relationship. He can't take criticism but he sure seems to know how to dish it out

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 16-Apr-18 09:03:04

And what would he do if you got really upset and got “quite volatile”?

WizardOfToss Mon 16-Apr-18 09:03:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Serialweightwatcher Mon 16-Apr-18 09:03:33

He obviously treats you like you work for him .. tell him to grow up .. or tell him you'll sort him out every morning and he can sort the kids

Billben Mon 16-Apr-18 09:04:20

You can't confront him about his behaviour because it's as if he can't cope with criticism, especially on a personal level.

Oh, diddums 😢

He must be fun to work for 😏

MrsJackHackett Mon 16-Apr-18 09:04:54

I guess he was giving himself ‘full assistance’ for motivational/adrenaline reasons, thus needing OP.

Catspaws Mon 16-Apr-18 09:05:30

I would laugh in my DH's face if he a) expected his bag packed for him or b) made pompous pronouncements about needing 'full assistance'.

How embarrassing for him that he can't manage himself. Might be time for you to have a quiet word and explain that he isn't your child and that he bears full responsibility for getting himself ready for work. If that doesn't work, a couple of mornings where he's late and unprepared because you haven't done the work for him might teach him to sort himself out.

Idontdowindows Mon 16-Apr-18 09:06:19

He over- reacts and gets quite volatile, so I guess I just avoid it.

What is in this relationship for you? Leaving your children out of the equation, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

CommanderDaisy Mon 16-Apr-18 09:06:27

In the time he's enunciated the phrase, he could've packed half the bag.
Don't do it.
Stressed or not, you aren't his "manservant". He'll be asking you to polish his shoes next.

questi0n Mon 16-Apr-18 09:06:45

The only thing he really does at home is recycling and bins. He has set up two bins in the kitchen, one for plastics and one for paper. If anything goes in the wrong bin, he will point this out without fail. But you can never point out anything to him or ask him to do anything different /extra.

OP’s posts: |
ThisIsTheFirstStep Mon 16-Apr-18 09:07:21

agree with wizard if he can’t deal with his job as well as leaving the house in the morning then he needs to think whether he can actually deal with his job.

It sounds like he’s not good/organised enough at it to cope with it.

boho2u Mon 16-Apr-18 09:07:33

Are you happy and do you find him attractive? His behaviour would be a total passion killer for a lot of people.

That said said I have a friend with a husband that's similar and she seems ok with it, which is mind boggling to me. She comes from a macho culture though.

It's not a very good example to set for your children though and that's a fact. Your teaching them it's ok to treat women like they don't matter

GinIsIn Mon 16-Apr-18 09:07:37

Can I ask why if your children are teenagers, you are still setting out their uniforms etc.?

TomRavenscroft Mon 16-Apr-18 09:08:24

I'd just laugh in his face in disbelief. But it wouldn't happen, because my DP doesn't think I'm his PA.

Who on earth does your DH think he is?

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