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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
MozzchopsThirty · 16/04/2018 08:31

I also thought this would be a disability thread with you caring for your dh

WTAF?????
He's a fucking joke
You have 4 kids to take care of there
Fuck that shit

goyuckfourself · 16/04/2018 08:31

You know that saying about doing a job badly.........

I would have been oh so tempted to deliberately do this if DH would have asked me for 'full assistance'.

I have occasionally made him sandwiches for the next day but only if I am making mine at the same time.

Vangoghsear · 16/04/2018 08:31

Just remind him he is a competent adult. I can't understand why you even did the things you did to help him, but he's obviously got used to it. He is evading responsibility and could blame you if things went wrong.

IronMaggie · 16/04/2018 08:32

Oh this gave me a good laugh over my porridge this morning. I think that you need should to raise this in your next performance review with your DH (I assume he has them scheduled quarterly?) - he must give written briefings in the approved template at least 24 hours in advance if he wants to avoid miscommunications like this in future.

I'm not sure what I'd say to my DP if he tried this!!

Munchyseeds · 16/04/2018 08:33

Sounds like he views you as a PA not his partner....tell him to sort his own life out!!

rainbowunicorn · 16/04/2018 08:34

It sounds as if he takes you for a mug OP. I also wonder why you are organizing the two teenagers uniform and having to tell them to pack their bags. I would be careful of that as it sounds like you do a lot for everyone in your house that they should be doing themselves. You are not doing the kids any favours if they end up just like him because they never have to think for themselves.

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 16/04/2018 08:34

No because my DH knows I won't stand for it! He is an adult. I am not a slave! He can sort himself out.

He must think you've got mug written across your forehead! Don't do it for him.

sm40 · 16/04/2018 08:34

My children are 11 and 9 get all their stuff ready for school. I just make sure there are clean clothes for everyone.
As for DH I just make sure there are enough ironed shirts. The rest is up to him (and he makes me tea and lays out breakfast for us every morning as he leaves earlier than we do).

SeraphinaDombegh · 16/04/2018 08:34

WTF? No, my DH sorts himself out of a morning and feels grateful that I deal with everything DC related so he can get off early (I'm a SAHM. This would not be the case if I was WOH).

PositivelyPERF · 16/04/2018 08:35

In all seriousness this is such weird/demanding/entitled behaviour , l am wondering if your DH has undiagnosed Aspergers or is on the Autistic spectrum.

Please stop it! Just stop it! My oldest has ADD and aspergers. He’s just away to work and has a job interview, which he got HIMSELF ready for, including ironing his shirt and polishing his shoes.

My youngest has autism and SN. She needs some help with washing her hair and will never live independently. She has just got herself dressed, in the clothes SHE picked and got herself breakfast.

The OP is living with a selfish arse. Be careful you don’t let your children go down the same path, OP.

Dobbythesockelf · 16/04/2018 08:35

You get his bag ready when he goes away overnight?? Now when we are going on holiday I do the packing cause I have more time and dh is crap at it but he gets all his stuff ready by himself and I just put it in the suitcase. If he's going somewhere alone he can pack his own bag, it's not hard is it? Underwear, clothes, work stuff...sorted, it takes like 15 mins tops.
You need to stop This, it doesn't matter how important his job is, he is a grown up that is quite capable of getting his stuff together. You are not his slave.

viques · 16/04/2018 08:35

corlan so did I, I was humming what's the story morning glory, and truth to tell,I'm a tad disappointed.

Flisspaps · 16/04/2018 08:35

@Mrsmadevans I am autistic.

@questi0n's DH is a knobjockey. There is a distinct difference Hmm

makeitso · 16/04/2018 08:35

I thought this was going to be a totally different thread Grin

OP you've been enabling this behaviour for 11 years at least. You know this is now at least 50% your fault.

You need to either accept that this is how things are or have a conversation with him.

Getoffthetablemabel I love that quote. I've never heard it before. Every day is a school day.

constantflux · 16/04/2018 08:36

I don't even have this problem with my 11 year old, so no, I certainly don't have it with my husband.

I suspect he will continue to be a twat for as long as you enable him to

Wittow · 16/04/2018 08:36

This thread has given me a much needed belly laugh at some I the responses. Fucking hilarious! Thank you so much!!!! GrinGrin

viques · 16/04/2018 08:36

OP. I find the phrase "it's where you left it dear." most efficacious in cases like this.

Original poster
questi0n · 16/04/2018 08:37

We went on holiday but only for 5 days over Easter because of trying to fit in around his work commitments. Then, at the last minute, he said he would have to join us half way through because he needed to go to another European country with work. So he came out in day three. I took stuff for him in our cases. Then something happened on the stock market or FT and he was in a very edgy mood about that and went off to deal with it for hours on end. He had some moments when he relaxed, but in general, it caused an atmosphere.

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 16/04/2018 08:39

In all seriousness, he does sound pretty stressed about work, and perhaps all this grasping for help and support with basic tasks is his way of saying 'help, I'm going under here'.

He may want to look at healthier ways of dealing with his work related stress, cos this approach is...rubbish.

Not that that makes it for a moment "50% your fault" Hmm

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 16/04/2018 08:40

I used to do stuff for DB like iron his shirts and pack his bag for trips. Then we had kids, and now I pack my stuff and the kids stuff, and he is to sort himself out. Any pouting about that, and I offer to let him pack the kids stuff too.

It is the sort of thing DP would say (also in a job where organisation is bloody important, so he's perfectly capable) - but it's not something I tolerate (ever hopeful, he keeps trying) - for example:
DP: "Where's my wallet?"
Me: "Where did you leave it?"
DP flaps about a little bit, getting more panicky as the taxi is waiting for him outside
Me (because I'm not totally petty): "It's there, on the windowsill, with your keys, and your keycard"

I've accepted that DP's never going to do all this entirely himself (even though he can) - but I haven't accepted that that means he should make no effort at all. You need to pick a level you're happy with, and do that.

Mine is, I'll help as long as he's putting in similar effort - eg. I'm not going to pack his stuff while he sits and watches TV, and I'm not going to run around like a blue-arsed fly in the morning because he preferred to watch TV last night rather than pack his suitcase - I have the kids to deal with in the morning, and my own job to get to, he can prepare in advance just like I do.

user1486915549 · 16/04/2018 08:40

I presume laughing out loud at him doesn’t go down to well for you OP .
Tell him then he needs to employ a live in PA / grownups nanny.

CannaeBeErsed · 16/04/2018 08:41

I really hope my husband never says anything like this, my bladder wouldn't have a chance against Amy he laughing fit.

Tell your husband that you are neither his personal valet or his PA.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 16/04/2018 08:44

Ridiculous. My husband and I help each other out (I put his lunch in his bag and he makes me a cup of tea) but I’d never expect him to do it nor him me.

overnightangel · 16/04/2018 08:44

I thought exactly the same as @MasonJar

I’d show him this thread when he gets in to make him realise how ridiculous he is.

If he’s like this as work I can just imagine his employees saying “fucking hell imagine being married to him”

Bratinthehat · 16/04/2018 08:45

Six months on his own taught my husband that he can actually function perfectly well on his own. Also that he doesn’t like being on his own.

Husband and both teens have gone to work and school. I didn’t help any of them.

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