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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed .

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:

JJ2014 · 17/04/2018 18:14

I know everyone is saying he should grow up. But and only but if he is earning a sh*tload of money, you live in a massive house, very nice car car, go away on excellent and luxury holidays and you have a nanny, so you can go to the gym and have help and house keeper would I be saying yes I’ll put your gym kit / suit / keys out. But only then!

Goldilocks3Bears · 17/04/2018 18:15

My XH has a really important job and everything evolved around him. The kids and I got the leftovers. He then complained that I "monopolised the children" despite being so fooked on weekends that he never wanted to do anything with them or me and in his leaving note said that his home should be "somewhere for him to come home to relax, not help cook dinner" (he works 7-16, I work 9-18).

He know lives with his much younger bird who just landed a really cool job and travels 70% of the time, and only sees his kids every second weekend.

I hope he feels he can relax in his empty, quiet home although dinner might be an issue...and as for the kids, well, they "monopolise" me and I them, because that's what real family does, however that family looks.

Your husband is am inflated clown soaked up in his own hype and needs a reality check, whether that's losing his job, his health, or you. What a d*ck.

KM99 · 17/04/2018 18:16

Erm, no. I'm his equal not his slave. And frankly I need a co-parent and partner who I know could be trusted to run the house and look after our child if something happened to me.

happynapper99 · 17/04/2018 18:17

My husband leaves for work before I get up most days as he starts at 7am! It's perfect for a house with only one bathroom as we never clash.

I'd tell him to jog on if he asked for help getting his stuff ready for work unless that meant doing food prep the night before that I benefited from as well.

simiisme · 17/04/2018 18:17

I thought 'full assistance' was a euphemism for sex :D
Either way it would be a 'No' from me.

bastardkitty · 17/04/2018 18:18

Your husband is am inflated clown soaked up in his own hype and needs a reality check

This ^ x 1000

Dad2TwoMonsters · 17/04/2018 18:19

Wow! Does he want his ar*e wiped too?!

Islandbabe · 17/04/2018 18:20

Noooooo! Tell him you're not his "Mommy". And maybe have a word with his Mommy. This is conditioned behavior and comes from somewhere!

BigChocFrenzy · 17/04/2018 18:21

You're his maid servant, with benefits

Sparkletiger · 17/04/2018 18:22

Haha me too... the answer would still be to FTFO

Original poster

questi0n · 17/04/2018 18:22

If this thread runs out, I would like to sincerely thank everybody again for talking sense into me. I am realistic that I won't change him overnight, but when 100s of people tell you they are shocked, you have to listen. I think I mentioned that on holiday, DH said something to me which I didn't even register as particularly high-handed and my son said to him, "you shouldn't be talking to your wife like that. You are equal people." DH didn't react. But when a 12 year old can see it, it can't be bad and I don't want to be apathetic role model for my kids. All this has really helped me feeling resolved. I do love my husband, but I am nearly 40 years old and I do have self-respect because I can honestly say I've tried my best for our DC and for him. I need to focus in myself and not get lost in his agenda.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 17/04/2018 18:23

OP your thread's nearly full. Hope you will start another one in relationships.

pollymere · 17/04/2018 18:25

If my DH asked that, he'd mean help get up dd so he can leave early, I might even have to do the school run. When I was working, I left before they did but was happy to help or take her if necessary. I'm on a sabbatical so now this means I have to get out of bed before 8am if he needs help... If he can't get himself up and out with everything he needs, then he needs to grow up! If he means he can't help you with morning stuff occasionally because he needs to get out early, then fair enough. Sadly I suspect the former...

Sparkletiger · 17/04/2018 18:26

Agreed totally this.

TheRagingGirl · 17/04/2018 18:28

OP I'm afraid your first post (and a few of your subsequent posts) makes me quite glad I'm not married.

But I also want to ask, if he's such an important man at work, with hundreds of employees, why can't he afford to employ domestic staff?

I have a twice-weekly cleaner, a weekly gardener & odd jobs person, and I'd have a full-time housekeeper if I could afford it.

So why can't he, if he's really so important & successful? Perhaps you should ask him about that ...

Popsiepops · 17/04/2018 18:29

OP your husband is a narcissist and/or having an affair. Leave now.

NemosMum21 · 17/04/2018 18:29

bastardkitty and Greenyogagirl: I also have family members on the autistic spectrum, and I have a professional background which included expertise in autism. I was not joking, and I think if you read through OP's posts with your blinkers off, you will see that for yourselves. But .... broader phenotype?

ToffeeUp · 17/04/2018 18:31

Good luck questi0n, your life and that of your children should not revolve around your husbands wants, needs and moods.

SuspiciouslyMinded · 17/04/2018 18:32

Tell your husband to employ a vallet - that’s what he needs. Prince Charles will surely be able to recommend someone.

I couldn’t live with a husband / child like this.

Petrify · 17/04/2018 18:33

Do you have mug or doormat stamped on your forehead? Tell him to employ a maid!! Xx

bastardkitty · 17/04/2018 18:33

Irrespective of whether or not he has autistic traits, and you cannot possibly know that from this thread, he is abusive. That much is absolutely clear.

Original poster

questi0n · 17/04/2018 18:34

We do have a cleaner and gardener, but he never wanted nannies. He thinks children should be with their mum. He doesn't expect me to be home cleaning, but he does expect me to "be there" if that makes sense.

I'm not sure if I'll start another thread. I'll see how it goes over the next week or so. I don't want to bore people with this nonsense, because it probably does sound like that. I take responsibility for my own situation. I'm very grateful to hear common sense and I needed it. Thankyou

OP posts:

TheRagingGirl · 17/04/2018 18:34

You can't confront him about his behaviour because it's as if he can't cope with criticism, especially on a personal level. He over- reacts and gets quite volatile

Does he behave this way at his workplace?

Pixeldad · 17/04/2018 18:36

Seconded.

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