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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband requiring "full assistance" in the mornings?

999 replies

questi0n · 16/04/2018 07:56

My husband told me last night that he will "require full assistance" to get out in the morning as he has some important meetings etc. He often says things like this and I don't take much notice. I have 3 DC to get out to school as it is. Last night I put everything by the door for him, keys, phone headphones and some documents I "must not let him forget". I even hung his suit out and put his shoes by the door because I can't be doing with him asking me where Particular items are in the morning. Only for him to get up and have a flap because no, he's actually cycling to the meetings and apparently wanted a bag packed Confused.

Wouldn't you think that if you could see someone was dealing with 3 children in the mornings, you wouldn't add to the general rush and stress everyone out by shouting ridiculous questions and demands about things you could easily do yourself? This is a man who employs hundreds of people, by the way. Does anyone else have this kind of issue with their husband?

OP posts:
speedynamechange73 · 17/04/2018 17:58

I'm not attempting to diagnose something here OP but your fears about a breakdown may not be wrong, my DH kept constantly busy with work and endurance sports because he just couldn't face up to his depression and couldn't admit that there was something wrong. It will all come crashing down in some way if that's the case, trust me.

However, the dinner party thing and all the holidays....he really needs to get his head out of his arse.

Good work on bringing it up with him though, I know it's not easy but it gets easier every time you are honest with him and yourself.

MadBadDaddy · 17/04/2018 17:59

Just to say, having been both a 90-minute commuter and the one-at-home greeting the commuter, that the one who's walking through the door at the end of the day needs at least 10 minutes to wind down from the journey. Then, when he's unwound and receptive, gently tell him to get a louder alarm, or you'll buy a sports whistle.

bertielab · 17/04/2018 17:59

I'd invoice him for £40,000 a year for however long you've been doing this -say 10 years = £400,000 and then say you haven't had any holiday for 10 years -so will be taking 40 weeks holiday before you resign and currently ask that he find a new PA for home asap and you are happy to interview to start immediately.

My children started doing their own bags in reception -end of.

bastardkitty · 17/04/2018 17:59

Don't plan around him. Find a counsellor who understands emotional abuse and coercive control for yourself only and stop dancing to his tune. Did anyone on this thread recommended Lundy Bancroft's book yet?

seventh · 17/04/2018 18:01

But it's a pattern we've got into as I never really know when he's coming in day to day because if something comes up he goes with it.

This is exactly what I mean @questi0n

Get a sitter.

Don't wait around for your husband to dictate your life.

You are empowering his need to control and manipulate you

Morphene · 17/04/2018 18:01

You still haven't said anything about the kids issue OP

Are they getting a similar change in their reliance on you to look after them?

Comtesse · 17/04/2018 18:02

Dear OP I don’t know much about abuse but I do know it is a bad sign when you are afraid of your husband coming home and the mood he might be in.... Flowers

trieste13 · 17/04/2018 18:02

Some people live with violence and call it love. It's a dynamic in too many families. Not too far from "Stockholm syndrome".

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 18:02

Also he has an office in this house but he often works in the middle of the kitchen and I find it heartbreaking when my daughter wants his attention and he's basically ignoring her. I have to step in and distract her. The reason I pacify him is to protect the children from his stress, probably this is the main reason actually.

OP posts:
blackeyes72 · 17/04/2018 18:02

Do you mean you never have family holidays? If so, that's sad for the kids and very unusual too..

NemosMum21 · 17/04/2018 18:02

He's autistic! Get him a diagnosis and get yourself some support.

biscuitraider · 17/04/2018 18:04

Just remind him you aren't his employee and tell him you've got enough on. He obviously can't switch off from his "boss" mode.

bastardkitty · 17/04/2018 18:04

Was 'autistic' an autocorrect fail? It's an insult to people with autism.

seventh · 17/04/2018 18:05

I have to step in and distract her.

Oh my god

This is beyond ridiculous now

Why distract her?

Tell him there and then 'oh look, DH, Jasmine is showing you her homework, hasn't she done well?'

Why the FUCK are you even empowering him to treat his children badly?

Please look at what YOU are allowing to happen. Please stop allowing it.

Greenyogagirl · 17/04/2018 18:06

@nemosmum21 as someone who is autistic with an autistic child and an ex with autism, plus qualification specialising in special needs, none of the posters comments make me think autism at all.

maygirl27 · 17/04/2018 18:06

He's your husband, not your manager and presumably quite capable of getting himself ready. He should be offering you a bit more assistance with three children to get ready, not adding to your stressful situation.

findingmyfeet12 · 17/04/2018 18:06

Wow, I'm glad MN is diagnosing autism now. I know where to turn if I ever need a diagnosis Hmm

elisenbrunnen · 17/04/2018 18:07

OP - my DH used to go away for up to a week a month (when our 3 kids were small). He used to 'compensate' me by organising gigs, weekends away, evening meals out at posh restaurants for 'us' - it was left to me to arrange childcare (no family nearby) for 3 kids which usually meant 3 different friends having them overnight. And then of course I'd have to reciprocate with these friends,and have their kids back overnight ... it was jsut more hell than it was worth.

He is of course an Ex.

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 18:07

No we do have holidays as a family maybe twice a year. It's just the last one he only joined us for half of and then ruined it by taking conference calls and stressing about some issue to do with his trading portfolio. He has no boundaries between work and home life and this has been the case for 15 years.

OP posts:
MummyShah369 · 17/04/2018 18:07

If he manages 100s of people that explains it... must be bringing in lots of cash and feels very powerful so seems to think it one of his employees... bet u get a nice settlement if u end it with him

katrin174 · 17/04/2018 18:08

Haha me too Corlan Grin

Yb23487643 · 17/04/2018 18:08

My OH goes a bit “delegate-y” at home as he does in work. I call him out on it & tell him to do it himself

Standstilling · 17/04/2018 18:09

OP, as well as all the brilliant advice here, what strikes me is how much of your posts are about him and how little you write about you. What are your feelings? What do you want?

He is selfish enough for two - time for you to think only about yourself for once.

Original poster
questi0n · 17/04/2018 18:10

He does make a point of time for the kids, but there is a lot of time when he's "home but not available" as well.

OP posts:
Sarahrellyboo1987 · 17/04/2018 18:13

Are you a woman or a door mat?
No way would I be doing any of that unless he was also doing similar for me.