To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

[Madisonthecat]

Gosh I didn’t realise that was long!! Sorry

[minipie]

Would role 2 be better paid than your DP's pay? If so, could he reduce his hours?

[nottakenpersonally]

What does your partner think? If between you, you could juggle childcare etc, I don't see why you shouldn't go for your dream job.

[minipie]

Also what childcare would you have - would you be able to have a nanny for your 3yo if you went for role 2?

[FreckledLeopard]

What about pensions? Would you be overall better off in the long-term with a public sector pension, rather than private sector?

[LuluBellaBlue]

I wouldn’t take job 2 sorry.
I set up a business when my son was 9 months old. Barely saw him up until he was 7 years old.
Bitterly regret it.
He’s now 14 and I prioritise time with him over anything else.
Probably not what you wanted hear, but thought I’d share my experience.
I expect most others will say go for it and fair play to you if you do.
Good luck either way :)

[merrymouse]

Isn’t your partner making the same choice?

[Lollypop701]

I’m nit much help as I took option 1. Staying in area I liked and am now building again. It’s not easy. You could try it and see how it goes... if it doesn’t work then no loss. Could you get a nanny?

[villainousbroodmare]

I am currently working in a Role 1 kinda job (with brilliant DH doing a LOT of childwork). Hope to pick up Role 2 again at some point. Accepting that Role 1 model is fairer at present.

[Chocolateyescakeyes]

Only you will know what is best. If it were me, I would go for option 1. I would be more likely to regret not seeing much of my child as opposed to getting my dream job (although only if I didn’t despise the job I did take). You only get to see your child grow up once and you may get another job opportunity at a different time in your life. Wouldn’t judge anyone for choosing option 2 though.

[Madisonthecat]

My partner says go for it but in reality will hate having to leave early for pick ups. Just not sure it’s worth the inevitable stress the debate over who’s ‘late meeting’ is most important is worth it.

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

It's so often left to the woman to sacrifice their careers whilst men feel little guilt and work longer hours.

[Bambamber]

I firmly believe that as a mum you should still think of yourself and your own needs alongside your family's needs

[speakout]

I would not take role 2, but we all have a different perspective on parenting.

My priority was to spend as much time as I could with my children when they were small- and I don't regret a second of it.

[ladymelbourne1926]

I'm sorry but I would take role 1.
I wouldn't want to miss seeing my children.
My sil did a role 2 job until my nephew was 9 and bitterly regrets it, she says she feels like she missed him growing up.
It's a horrid choice and I would not judge whichever decision you make, men take role 2 jobs all the time.
But for me that's what I'd do.

[mishfish]

Is there much scope of working at home when not travelling for role 2?

[Cucumbercalm]

I've done it from when my little one was 9 months old to 5 years old... large commute busy corporate environment, overtime often needed to happen to ensure everything was running smoothly. Occassional weekend confrences to attend .All in all one I was out the house for 10 hours a day thankfully as time went on I could work 2 days from home which cut the 50 min each way commute and overtime could be done once little one was in bed 8-10.. housework 95% done by me also ( I have higher standards than 4th and notice first if house is looking a little scruffy)... over time I burned out and was an anxious mess... trying to be good at my job, being a good parent and keep the house clean was stressing me out... when d's got older she used to get and said she missed me.... however I got back into the market and gained skills I needed... due to this when I found a job 10 min drive from home.. 7 hours a day and for slightly more money I jumped at the chance... and so did they with the experience i had gained... what I've learnt from this is it was bloody hard and th I could not have carried on much longer like this but set me in good stead to find better oppertunitys in the future... they are not going to be little forever and when she is 18 I'll only be 44 but hopefully sitting towards the top of the career ladder

[KirstenRaymonde]

Your partner needs to step up and be an actual partner - doing his fair share of the home and childcare. Take job two and tell him he needs to get in gear and support you. Read Lean In by Sheryl Sandburg as well.

[LadyLancelot]

Your child should be more important to you than money. Youve got years ahead of you to build a career when your son is older.

[SirensandPomegranates]

I would always go for job 2. I cannot fathom the idea that I would sacrifice my career prospects when the same would not be expected of my husband or partner. Surely if you are happy and fulfilled at work that can only be a good thing for you and your family?!

[minipie]

Hmmm. If there's a genuine reason why your partner hates leaving early for pick ups then that's one thing (for example if he will get fired if he does, or if he is by far the main earner and leaving early will kibosh his career). But if there is no genuine reason, it's just inconvenient for him (like it is for you), then he's being a dick. Don't turn down your dream job just because your partner is a dick about sharing pick up duties. You will resent him for it long term.

[NapQueen]

Add not much more into that 15k extra and youve got yourself a Nanny to ease the burden with childcare.

[Givemestrengthorgin]

I couldn't take no 2. Have you worked out how much extra you would actually bring home in salary once you account for additional childcare costs and your commuting costs? It might not end up all that much.
My choice would be option 1while your DC is small and loves to hang out with you.
Good luck with whatever option you choose!

[Outnotdown]

Though the job sounds good, if it were me I'd take the part time option. I agree it's shit not to be able to have it all.

But....the early years pass by so so quickly. And the stress of the dream job may impact negatively on your marriage too.

Only you can decide what will bring you least regrets. Personally, I'd prioritise my family, and hope another good career opportunity presents itself later on.

Good luck

[LexieLulu]

Even tho its is 15k more a year, what does that work out at per hour?

Would both jobs be paying similar when you break it down that way?