To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Take role 2 and pay for childcare.
Millions of women sacrifice their career for their families and where does it get us? Society claims we 'choose' lower paid part time jobs because we 'prefer' them.

If it were the right thing for you, you would already have decided on role 1 and you wouldn't need to ask. Don't feel like you need permission.

1. You can take the FT job and then look again for another if it doesn't work out.
2. Get a cleaner
3. Consider a nanny

Not really seeing the issue here, if you consider that you are free to try out the FT role and leave at any point if it proves not a good enough fit.

Nothing is forever and no one can predict the future. So don't get fooled into thinking this decision is the be all and end all

I wouldn’t sacrifice the time with my child for anything.

Oh what a dilemma for you. Only you know what is right for you but if hearing other's thoughts helps...

DH and I both work part time 3 days. We share the childcare of our two yr old and with new baby on way will do same. My mum does one day. We both get lots of time with DD and have not had pressure to put her into childcare when she's not ready, although have applied to nursery now as feel she'd love it now. I don't say this in a boastful way, I think we are so lucky, but we are the envy of all our friends who work full time who wish they had more time with their young kids and each other. I lean towards you are likely to regret it if you don't see your child 5 days a week, but I'm sure you'll also have regrets about turning down dream job. We earn less than other full time friends, but many struggle more financially, but they spend more on cars and holidays etc - we all have different priorities and whatever yours are is ok, being true to yourself will benefit your family too.

Do you think your partner has given this much thought to his working hours?

When I read the title I thought you were doing something like moving your child to another country or away from their dad or something. All you are doing is what plenty of parents do and working in a full time job.

If this is your dream job you nay regret turning it down but you need to have a long chat with your partner

1. make it clear your job is as important as his and therefore responsibilities in the home should be shared 50:50 discuas how this will be done.
2. look at options for before and after school care for your child once they start school and make sure you are aware as you may need to be looking at childminders and may need to join a waiting list
   3)agree that if your child is sick you are both equally responsible and will take turns to have time off.
3. think about getting a cleaner and food deliveries if you don't already ( and don't organise it all.yourself he is just as capable as you)

Be aware that a lot of people replying on here will advise you based on their own experience so make sure you ultimately make the decision for yourself! I work part time and woukd be sahm if we could afford it but that doesn't mean I think every mother who works full time is selfish!!

Surely if you are happy and fulfilled at work that can only be a good thing for you and your family?!

It's a good thing for you. But I doubt your children would look at it the same way, especially when they're little.

I would go for job 1 as it’s less stressful and you can still be around for your child, making the best of both worlds. Looking ahead to the future and any other children, job 1 would be easier to go back to.

I have a cleaner and a nanny. I can see that my children are not doing as well at school etc because me and dh are too busy with work and too tired by the weekend to invest enough.

But the advice to try it while your dc is young is sensible - you can always leave if it doesn’t work.

I would go for it.

If it doesn't work out, you can always quit and you will have valuable experience on your CV.

Don't think of it as putting your career before your child. Kids are fine in childcare! My toddler had been in full time childcare since he was 6 months. He loves going into nursery, but he loves coming home too. (Runs into nursery, runs to us when we pick him up!)

Did your DP do this amount of emotional wrangling around his job/responsibility towards his DC? Probably not. Sorry that's not helpful.

I would think of long term. Could you take option 1 now with a view to moving towards something like option 2 later on? Is option 2 likely to come up again or is it a fantastic opportunity that will only present itself once in a blue moon? Are you considering any more DCs? What will be the implications if you do?

I would veer towards option 2 personally but I am lucky that DH is a SAHP. Only you know what's really best for you.

Thanks for all replies!

Partner earns more than either role so would never reduce hours. Pension is pretty good in both roles to be fair but role 1 is a (longish) contract and role 2 permanent. We couldn’t afford a nanny but dd is already at a great nursery 3 days a week that she loves.

Choclatey and Lulu - that’s what I’m afraid of! Love having 121 time with dc and would really miss it, plus weekends being so hectic trying to fit everything in!

Just feel a bit gutted that my career feels on hold right now. Have spent 10+ years getting to where I am and wondering how to get the balance right.

My personal opinion, you'd be selfish to take job 2, when your husband already works a long hours, late meetings etc kind of job. This is the kind of thing you should discuss BEFORE having children, and work out between you who will take the career sacrifice to do the main child caring, or set it up so it can be 50/50.
It's bad enough for a child to hardly ever see 1 parent, never mind both.
If you have a child then you're accepting that your main priority in life isn't you anymore. Yes, you may be less fulfilled job wise, but if that is the cost of being there when your child gets home from school and actually caring for them instead of paying some stranger to do it, or having them in every after school club going and them barely getting to be home or spend time with you, then so be it, YOU made that commitment when you decided to have a child.

I'd take the first job, I've done both types of jobs that you describe and now do one like the first which is much better all round - I'm more relaxed and have more time for the children to do after school activities that they wouldn't be able to do if I was working like I used to.

Good luck making a decision.

The balance will only ever be right if dp is able or willing to step up. 50% of housework and childcare during the hours he is there. Minimum.

I took job 1, did it well and was able to take opportunities to develop it onwards as the DCs got bigger. DH would have been happy to be more home oriented instead if I’d wanted but I wanted the time with the DCs when they were so small. I’m really glad I did and now time has moved on, I have taken a step up, am keen to keep progressing and almost back to full time and my employer is also keen that I do.

I'd take role 2 without a doubt

I would (and did) take the pt option I don't regret it at all if anything I wish I could drop a day. My kids are little for such a tiny bit of time i'll never get it back.

Talk fast - yes your ds might be fine but if you actually do your research you’ll see that very children are actually very worse off attending childcare full time. A 6 month old is not best off in nursery full time.
I don’t mean to have a go - I’m sure you made the best decision for your family and I know nothing about your life or why you’ve made the decisions you have. But honestly, don’t be so flippant saying 6 month old babies are fine in nursery.

Role 2 - and throw money at the childcare and domestic stuff. So find a good childminder for drop offs and pick-ups, cleaner for the housework, send out laundry and ironing. That way you can make weekends a priority for family time rather than chores. Additionally, your partner MUST step up and start pulling his weight equally with household stuff.

Your child is young for a short while, but you have another 30-odd years of working and earning in front of you. A better paid role will make a huge difference to your overall earning power and pension - security for your longer term financial future.

Option 1 now and option 2 when your child starts school. Your child is only young for such a short period of time, don’t ruin their childhood with the stress and long hours when you can do this in just a few years.
You can have role 2 any time but you won’t get your child’s years back. Ever.
Pp was very brave to tell you her experience. I would listen.

I'd take role one.

I think when you have young dc it's impossible to have it all and do justice to both. For me my dc are the priority, I've had to take a step back from my career but it's short term. They really are little for such a short space of time.

I say that as somebody with a supportive dh who does his fair share.

Only you know what's right for you and your family.

Do job 2,for the stimulation,the stretch and they have offered you job as an appointable candidate
Ignore the mummy martyr rhetoric it’s all based on a good mum is a mum who gives things up
Don’t seek numerous opinions on this,you’ll get bogged down in apocolyptic prophecies of how your kids will suffer
Set your face to screen saver mode when you get naysayers or why have kids if you leave them with strangers speech
And finally we’ll done!

Sounds to me like you are leaning towards not taking option 2. But if I've read that wrong, putting myself in your shoes, I'd have a long discussion with DH to see how much slack he can take up to ensure things are equal, then take option 2. I'd get paid help if needed.

My reasoning is that you can quit the dream job if it's not working for you. That wouldn't be failing, just figuring out what type of lifestyle and career you want. It sounds like you are skilled so other options will become available if needed.

There are many positives to being a career Mum and it's a great example for girls. It can also be good for your relationship when you're on equal footing with one another. (Not saying SAHM mum's are lesser, just that the dynamic is different).

AlmostAJillSandwich the problem with that is that the most carefully made plans can become unraveled. OP's DH could be made redundant and struggle to find another job, he could become ill and unable to work for a long time. Two decent incomes keeps a roof over the DC's heads when the shit hits the fan, and life has a way of doing that.

That's not selfish. It was bloody lucky I'd taken option 2 when my DH lost his job.

Role 2 now, get it on the CV while your child is young, with your DH stepping up responsibilities for family life. Then you and your DH both have the option to step back in the future if things change and your son needs more time, or if one of you becomes ill or loses a job.