To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

Why would she regret a good career after 10years on hold?
Why don’t men get reproached about their careers

A couple of people have beat me to it but reading through this thread the voice in my head was blared by "that's the gender pay gap - right there". Has your husband done the same soul searching over his career since having kids?

Sorry that was meant to point to LipstickHandbagCoffee. So right about the head tilt.

I've made similar choices and for me it's role 2 every time but my DH does at least 50% of all childcare. We also have a cleaner. You have the right to request flexible working, as does your partner so there may be some options that make things a bit easier. We both do condensed hours so work 4 day weeks and the kids do 3 long days of nursery but then get a day with each of us which works well.
To do role 2 your partner will really need to step up and accept his share of parenting responsibility

My parents never went to a single sports day or drove me to clubs and I'm pretty sure I haven't suffered...

I mean it's SPORTS DAY, you run around a bit, literally who fucking cares

@MadisonTheCat I can see why you'd be tempted by role 2, but there will be other jobs. Whereas your LO will never be little again.

My parents never attended sport day,plays etc.and no longstanding angst from me

I’d do role 2.

In fact, I do travel a lot, I spend many weeks away abroad and uk, because I am a mother and a

Career woman.

I agree with everyone who has said role 2. My DD was in full time day care (8am to 6pm), I have always been a sole parent and was overseas so no family. In some ways it was therefore an easy "choice" but I have had a good career, never regretted it and was able financially to work on a contract basis when DD was a teenager - and we have always had a brilliant relationship. She respects the fact that I've had to put work first and has a great work ethic herself.

I also agree with all those who say that a man would never be advised to put his child first, you won't get those years back etc.

I think, if you have been PT / even temporarily a SAHM, it can be very difficult renegotiating 'responsibility within the family for DC / house care / 'family admin', especially if your DH has essentially worked the same pattern both pre and post children.

I was a SAHM; DH was the full time earner. In effect, hile a complete revolution had happened in my life, nothing had changed in his. He had not had to make any compromises, change his hours, even consider asking his boss for some flexibility or stop putting late meetings into his diary. So it became pretty much set in stone - he worked long hours, 'couldn't miss late meetings', 'couldn't take flexible time off or work at home if a child was ill'. After all, his was the wage that kept us going.

I trained for something completely different, and looked to return to work. Luckily - didn't feel lucky at the time - DH lost his job just before i finished training, and became the FT parent. He became aware of / in tune with what needed doing to keep the family show on the road. So when we both went back to work - me in a new career, him to a new job - everything was on a slightly different footing. His work was not sacrosanct. I was not the one who necessarily had to be flexible. We both asked the odd favour of our employers, and found them sensible, humane and understanding.

So in your position, one of the barriers is not 'the nature of your DH's job', but how he, and therefore you, have perceived it - as an immutable thing, the same as it was before you had children. Whichever role you take, who takes the day off when a child is sick should be split evenly and based on who has the most urgent appointments that day, not that he has a 'more important job so cannot miss a day. Who cooks depends on who is holding the baby at that point, and who gets in first./ Who cleans is split evenly - one of you entertains the child, one does the cleaning, then swap. or delegate it to a cleaner.

Do you, AS EQUAL PARENTS, think you should take Job 1 or Job 2? How will you BOTH compromise in order to allow you both to do your jobs decently well, as well as both being good, hands on parents?

Why is it only op being reproached that her child will only be widdle for short time
Y’all read she has a dp?why isn’t he stepping up?

I can see why you'd be tempted by role 2, but there will be other jobs. Whereas your LO will never be little again.

Yes, totally this. It's only money.

Personally I wouldn't hesitate to take role 1, it's not 'unfair'- you're lucky to be a Mum! Your child will only be this young for such a short period of time, you don't want to look back with regrets.

Replace with the word "Dad" and re-read.

Do the one you want
. 2.
When your child is older they can need you more in time and money and you will be in a stronger position to ask for 80 % or otger arrangement.
Get a cleaner and get your dh to step up.

@LipstickHandbagCoffee 👏🏼 well said

I'd recommend sitting down and having a serious discussion with your DP about how you can realistically support each other's careers and whether Role 2 can be made to work for your family over the next ten years, with regard to questions such as who steps in if school phones to say DD has vomited at the headteacher's feet in the playground and someone needs to collect her pronto, holiday childcare, any future siblings, etc etc etc. Then:

Option 1: take role 2

Option 2: take role 1 on the strict condition that you get married at the earliest opportunity.

Too many relationships go tits up for it to be a good idea to compromise your career in favour of his if you don't get some rock-solid security in return, and I make no apology if that sounds cynical...

Role 2, definitely.

If it doesn't work out you can always quit- you won't be stuck there so it's not the end of the world if it ends up being too much.

However personally I would want my children to grow up seeing both parents as equally driven and satisfied in their careers, not just their father as the breadwinner and mother as the one doing housework. That's not meant to be disparaging towards housewives or those mothers who work part time at all- I think that's usually part of the process for everyone at some point, but if I then had the chance to redress the balance and show my children that women and men are equal in workforce, then by god I would take it.

And as I say, if it's too much of a struggle you can always change jobs again- nothing is final.

Lipstick, forget the guilt about missing the school plays, do you ever feel sad because you wanted To be there? Nothing about guilt. About what you wanted.

You will notice my original post to the op was about her decision and the things she wants and what she thinks will be more fulfilling.
What you and many others have done is told op what she should Do based on their own experiences. Rather than try to assist her to reach her own decision.

I have noted your posts on other similar threads lipstick, and I always think it comes across from you, that you feel women who let their career take a backseat after children are downtrodden, unhappy, foolish or guilted into it.
It may be the case for some, but many will be happy with their decision and feel empowered by it. Just as you seem feel empowered by working full time. Both valid choices.
but it must be right for the individual

LipstickHandbagCoffee

I see your point about women berating other women for putting their careers first. Those of us who choose part time or stay at home are simply choosing a different life after having kids and while working mums feel judged for not attending sports day etc. Equally those of us who drop careers or put them on hold feel judged by our friends who work full time. Perhaos we should all be supportive of one another instead of judging all the time.

TBH, if no2 is your 'dream job' I would take it. It pays more, which gives you freedom to find some decent childcare you are happy with to help pick up the slack. You will know within 6 months if it is really not working for the family and your child (but the job offer won't be there if you say no) It will not necessarily be the wrong choice for your kid in the long term if it makes you happier.

You may not get the chance again, and it might mean you are in a better position for your whole family in the future.

I stayed in a 3 day/week job when I had my child, as my partner's job was worth more and his hours were extensive - and it ended up leading to resentment from me for lack of thanks for the household/childcare and if i'm honest I didn't feel respected for my contribution (and wasn't really) Wish I had stayed invested in my career a bit more.

Just offering a different perspective. Please don't look at it as 'choosing money over your child' - things aren't that simple. You know if you feel passionate about it and it might be worth doing. :-)

Oh the widdle one will only be widdle for short time so op has give things up?
Only money?utter rot.a career you like or love isn’t just money,it’s financial security,good for self esteem,makes op a good role model

Probably best phrased as 'as your child is still only small, how are BOTH OF YOU, AS EQUAL PARENTS going to make sure, whatever jobs you both do, that you have time to parent your child well - whether that be through choosing really high quality childcare, both compromising your late working hours slightly, employing domestic help to completely clear your weekends to be as a family....'

Also - I found my dd needed more attention after the age of 8/9 or so, than before. They generally just want to be entertained! After that - it's more complicated, and I'm glad I put the hours in when she was younger and I'm around more now (in a much better financial and career ladder position than i otherwise would have been)