To put my career before my child

[Madisonthecat]

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

I’d go for it but ask about work life balance. Is there scope to work a day or two from home, so you save your commuting time and pick up earlier from nursery?
Can you buy extra weeks annual leave?
I guess it comes down to the circumstances of the job offer. If they really want you and vice versa, you should be able to negotiate a little bit of flexibility.
And if not, go for job 1.

Role 2. I had my only child late in life and stayed at home out of choice because I had resented my mother working all through my schooldays, and my husband travels constantly for his job, so there needed to be stability at home. I have only been able to get piddly boring jobs that I hated since my child went to school and now they are long gone, I am left deeply resentful that I have no career or mental stimulation. It may have been good for my child but it wasn't good for me. Role 2 (did I say that already?).

Your child should be more important to you than money. Youve got years ahead of you to build a career when your son is older.

But no-one would say that to a bloke, would they!

"it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it."

Your words not mine. You said it OP. Why are you even asking this question??

No brainer .... always, always put your child first.

I regret the time I missed with my eldest child. She hated seeing her parents for an hour each end of a day. It just didn't work for us. And I don't feel it was the shorter straw to be the one who eventually chose to stay at home. Yet somehow, some people still see it that way! We make a choice to have children. Why do some people see it as such an inferior choice, for a mother to put her family, before her career. Financial constraints aside of course, if I could, I would..choose job no. 1. Good luck!

I strongly disagree with Xenia.

I had a full time working career mother. She was able to drop me off at nursery and then school. But, she never picked me up, she missed all sports days, plays, class assemblies.

I was with a childminder after nursery/school up until age 11 when I started taking care of myself after school. School holidays, I was either in a club of some sort or with a childminder or family friends.

It SUCKED. Sure, we had money, but how I wish she had been there more when I was a kid.

Revise your thinking & language op.To put my career before my child
No.youre simply planning how to negotiate the demand of wkrking and being a parent
No recently promoted man would ever say he’d put his career before his child
That man would get plaudits for being solvent,secure and a good parent

This is exactly why the gender gap exists.

I had to give up my job and tools redundancy but I got another much closer and standard hours

We both work full time and it is hard as we have 3 year old twins. My thoughts are that it isn’t the right balance but I can’t get part time and I do want to work.

So my view is one has to give up or take a lower step on career but that doesn’t have to be female

Good luck with your decision

Is job 2 £15k more as its full time? Or is it £15k More than job 1 would be if that were full time?

Basically - how much more money do you get for doing the 5 days than the 3 days is what I’d consider as a starting point.

I used to work three days a week, but on a pay protection basis from redundancy risk. Once the pay protection finished and salary plummeted, I had the three days per week I wanted, but no longer enough money to pay for my share of the family budget.

Three years on, I now work in a new job, 5 days a week: have a 6 and 9 year old. I’d love to have been 3 days a week... but that wasn’t an option in my new job . However, I do like having a significantly (think £25k more if both jobs had been same number of hours) better salary in my new role - so at least the pay helps compensate. I miss my kids. It’s not easy working full time. DH also got full on job.

For me, it would be about how much more £ I would have for full time work... if you do go full time, and have a commute, get a cleaner, you’ll spend more on child care and prob food too! !)

Applesandpears.....if you're going to make such a loaded, judgemental comment can you at least cite some credible research to back up your point?

Comments like this do nothing but pile guilt on women ( and it's always women) who put children in full-time childcare..either through choice or necessity.

I chose to put mine in full time from 10 months and he is thriving - what detrimental effects should I be expecting??

Why not give job 2 a go, and if it doesn't work out you could try and find something more like job 1? It sounds like this is the job you really want, and you might equally regret it if you don't give it a go! In some ways, things will only get harder as your child goes to primary school- are you willing to put your career on hold forever?

I would also have a serious talk with your DP about this- explain he has to help you find solutions. This is his issue, too. You have been picking up the slack for years, so now he should help you more. This might be things like funding a cleaner etc.

Why are weekends hectic? Could you make them less hectic?

@applesandpears56

You didn't mean to have a go, but you did

My partner lost his job right before I went on maternity leave. We would have been in trouble if I wasn't working. I am actually the higher earner.

So kindly stick your opinion £#&#@+£-&-

Trapped, do you feel the same way about your dad?

Go for the higher paid job. Your child won't remember how many nappies you changed but it will notice if you can afford it a lap top in its teens or fund its university fees and it will adore having the example of a full time working mother.

I'm not at all convinced, I know you'd paid the uni fees for your two from what you've said on another thread but there is more to life than that. I've not been able to pay the uni fees for mine but they have been able to do whatever after school activities they have wanted to do because I have been around to take them to the activities, collect them after the school bus has gone and so on which wouldn't have been possible if I'd been working the 80 hour weeks I did before I had children.

I've always been able to be there for my children whilst doing a job like role 1, which I love - both the job and my children - but my children know that they are my priority and rightly so. I have a job I love and have time for my children and I wouldn't change that for the world.

I'd go for option 2 every time. It's a juggle but it can be made to work and you can have a decent career and family life too. And if it doesn't work for you, you know that there are option 1s out there too, plus you will have more experience to offer which makes you more employable.

Yes I do feel the same way about my Dad. They both worked in full time, demanding roles. I'm not saying that he shouldn't have made sacrifices. I wish one, or both of them had.

Role 2

You can tell from your op it's the one you want

I wouldn't consider compromising by wasting time on a job I didn't want, that's worse to me than spending more time away from my child to ensure financial stability and a fulfilled mother.

This thread is the perfect explanation of why the gender pay gap exists. Women really are their own worst enemy.

There’ll be other jobs. Take role 1.
An old boss of mine said to me: “No one lies on their deathbed wishing they’d spent more time at the office”.

Each to their own.

I ditched my career completely to become a SAHM.

OH and I both continuing down our career path was not going to be easy with kids.

Your partner has had your support for his career for three years. He now needs to go part time to support yours and you take role 2.

Completely obvious

I took the equivalent of Job 2, DH stepped up and I now earn significantly more than he does. And feel happy and fulfilled in my job and my life. And my children are just fine, thanks.

TrappedWind I'm interested in your experience growing up as I don't know many adults who grew up with a career mum - which I now am.

I don't do school drop offs or pick ups, but have never missed a sports day/assembly/harvest festival/nativity/rugby match. Would that have been a better experience for you as a child?

Option 1. They grow very fast. Another job will come at a time it's better suited to your stage in life. You'll miss so much and you'll never get those years back. You'll be working til you're 107 anyway!

It's not about 'being fair' with your DH, it's about having precious time with your child. I don't see that as case of being fair- I see that as a privilege.

You’re not putting your career before your child, you’re just doing both.

If role 2 is a dream job I would take it.