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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
Lowdoorinthewal1 · 12/04/2018 21:44

Sadly I think you should take job 1. It's not really fair and it will suck sometimes when you see other people doing more, moving on, being paid. However, somebody needs to be there for a child.

Make the vey best of job 1. Be the best person there is at job 1, bring new, creative dimensions to it. Then, when DC is more independent, you will be in the prime position to pick a career back up. You will still have time to achieve the things you want.

StealthPolarBear · 12/04/2018 21:44

Lady would you say the same to the ops dh? Or can one of them have a big career?

ShawshanksRedemption · 12/04/2018 21:44

Did you and DP ever discuss working roles/career and childcare before you had kids and have an idea how it would work? If you did then you may have some idea how it could work and what your DP's expectations are. EG if you said you would work full time after having DC then DP should support you with that, and make adjustments for that, just like you made adjustments with part-time roles.

If your DP isn't prepared to make adjustments, then it's either childcare with Role2 or you choosing Role 1.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. I can say if it were me I'd choose Role 1, because you don't get back that time with kids and I would regret it. Do you think you would regret taking Role 2? Enough to decide to take Role 1 instead?

It's a bit like "At the end of your life what would you regret the most...?" kind of dilemma!

Cucumbercalm · 12/04/2018 21:45

Sorry couple of auto correct there dh both 4th and dd used to get sad

liger · 12/04/2018 21:45

Can you ask for some flexible working elements to role 2 so that they can secure you? Seek out examples of how other women have requested flexible working and got the deal they wanted. Mother Pukka and her flexappeal often cited how others have achieved this with employers to show other women it is possible

Helendee · 12/04/2018 21:45

Job 1. You will never get this time back with your child and time flies so quickly.

Amazingalice · 12/04/2018 21:46

This is a dilemma for you.
Do you anticipate any more dc, as this would strongly sway me to option one.
If not, In this kind of situation I can only imagine the helpful thing to do would be to think about five years time. What could you have done with the extra money? Will your lifestyle be hugely improved with the full time job. Will you feel fulfilled because you are happy at work? Or would you feel sad about missing out on your dc and time with them?

How would you feel about a nanny doing all the school runs etc. Could you cope with the stress of the overtime and demands?

Also, I note that role two is £15,000 more, but presumably a large chunk of this better pay is because it’s a full time position? Therefore if you started role one, is there likely to be opportunities in a few years time for more hours and progression?

NewYearNewMe18 · 12/04/2018 21:47

Role 2 in a heartbeat.

Xenia · 12/04/2018 21:47

Go for the higher paid job. Your child won't remember how many nappies you changed but it will notice if you can afford it a lap top in its teens or fund its university fees and it will adore having the example of a full time working mother.

Also does the child's father work full time and is he having the same agonising choices and if not why not? Is it a sexist marriage? Were you brought up conditioned to believe the myth that small children need a mother at home?

Audreyhelp · 12/04/2018 21:48

Would go for job one your child is only small once he is not even at school yet. You will find it so hard to juggle everything and you won’t keep everybody happy.

Doublegloucester · 12/04/2018 21:48

I would go for job 1 as doing a similar role pre mat leave worked well for us logistically, and spending that time with dd was great. Children's sickness much easier to cope with a 3 day rather than a 5 day week. Only you can decide though :-)

Believeitornot · 12/04/2018 21:48

I wouldn’t.

It gets harder when they get to school.

What happens when your child’s ill? What happens when you’re exhausted from work, and cannot give much to your dc?

What happens if you’re travelling and your dc is ill?

I’m a working mother. Stressful job, long hours etc I’ve come to realise that life is too short to spend so much of it in work. Even more so now I’ve got dcs.

Even if you didn’t have children, I’d still wonder what’s the point. But more so when you do.

TotHappy · 12/04/2018 21:48

If you take Role 1 for your son, that's one thing. If you take it for your partner, think you will probably resent him, unless you're a very big person and go into it with your eyes wide open.
Is it really the job of a lifetime? Role 2? I.e. Never likely to cone up again? I would choose Role 1 in a heartbeat but not comparable because I have always known I'd rather raise my kids as a sahm than have a career. And i dont mean 'raise my kids' in any dickish way, I'm not suggesting you don't love him and aren't raising him.

KnobJockey · 12/04/2018 21:48

If you're going to give it a go then now is the time, it gets harder when they're in school. If you really want the job for your benefit, then do it and look for really good childcare. You're important too, and if you decide it's not for you then pack it in after a year.

applesandpears56 · 12/04/2018 21:49

Job 1.
I’ve had the same dilemma and the same choice.
I chose job 1. It’s not to do with her oh - spending time with her child worth way more than a career. If you take job 2 I think you may regret it 5,10,20 years later.

ShastaBeast · 12/04/2018 21:49

Have a serious conversation with your DH about how he can support you to make this move. He needs to step up at home, he may even need to step back a little on his own career - sharing the pick ups and drop offs and all housework etc equally.

My kids are a bit older and I had spent years at home with them. I have no guilt about pushing my career forward now. DH does all the childcare arrangements as he changed jobs to be closer and have a better balance, and happened to get more money too. I’m less able to help with reading and school stuff but I’m happier and more able to give quality over quantity of time. A big part of why I feel no guilt is knowing DH does just a good job as I do with parenting, if not better in some respects. Every dad should be the same.

Givemeabreak01 · 12/04/2018 21:49

Get a cleaner to take the house work off you so the time you’re at home it’s quality and take role 2.... I work full time with a little one and it’s hard but I live my job and the possibility for career progression is great.... I miss my little boy but we get up early have morning snuggles and make the most of the weekends.... Role 2 in a heartbeat.... better to try and fail than never to try! Good luck

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 12/04/2018 21:50

I'd discuss flexible working for option 2. If you can make it work on 4 days a week then go for it. If not, take option 2.

I have a big job, a long commute, and small children. It's hard. However, I only do it 3.5 days a week and DH has similar flexibility. It would be a living nightmare otherwise!!!

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 12/04/2018 21:50

Is a role like no2 likely to come up again? Coudl you afford a nanny?

edwinbear · 12/04/2018 21:50

I was in a part time role after mat leave until I was made redundant. Part time roles in my sector are like hens teeth - in fact it was why I was fired.

I could only find full time roles afterwards and ultimately took role 2 and it's absolutely fine. We need to be organised, DH's job are understanding when I travel and he needs to do pick up and drop off and my employer extend the same courtesy when he is. If it's a dream job and a way back in I'd take it in a heartbeat.

Glumglowworm · 12/04/2018 21:50

It’s probably less than ideal for both parents to work full time in demanding and stressful jobs.

Does DH enjoy his job? Does he earn less than you would in Job 2? Could he reduce his hours or move sideways to pick up the slack?

If you decide on job 2 then get a cleaner, see if you (and DH) can work from home some of the time to avoid the commute (even though DC would still need childcare), do what you can to reduce the stress so you can enjoy the time you do get with DC.

troodiedoo · 12/04/2018 21:50

I would (and did) take job 1. It's shit but such is life. Kids don't ask to be born.

There will be other jobs in a few years time if it's still what you want.

NapQueen · 12/04/2018 21:51

Its all a bit shit really, that dp gets to do whatever job he wants and you have to work around him?

Snowysky20009 · 12/04/2018 21:51

I landed a role when ds1 was 7 and ds2 was 2. It meant anything from none to 4 night away each week. It was 16k more than my previous job and everyone said I was mad to consider it.

I took it. It worked out. We worked out childcare etc. Best thing I ever done. Got me several steps up the ladder and promotion with an extra 15k three years later.
Go for it!!!

Blaablaablaa · 12/04/2018 21:51

I would ( and did) go for job 2 BUT I had a supportive partner who does 50% of housework, childcare etc without resentment. It will only work if you work together as a partnership. I think it would be deeply unfair if you couldn't take job 2 purely because your husband isn't willing to step up and do his fair share. You could end up resenting him for your missed opportunity.