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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my career before my child

954 replies

Madisonthecat · 12/04/2018 21:30

Before I get started I’ll start by saying I think I am but really need some advice from the wise women (and men) of Mumsnet.

Currently not working and have been offered two roles which is fantastic, know I’m really lucky.

Role 1 - three days a week, 9-5, public sector job. Pretty straightforward and could do it reasonably comfortably in the time allowed with little requirement for overtime I think.

Role 2 - amazing opportunity, great pay (£15,000 more than role 1) and amazing benefits. BUT.... it’s full time only, will probably require lots of overtime, travel and be pretty stressful day in day out. It’s a sector I love and would really enjoy getting back into.

What do I do? I would love to do role 2 and if I was childless would take it in a heartbeat. But I have a 3 year old and a partner who works long hours in a demanding role too and can’t help feeling that it’s really not in the best interests of my child to take it. My partner will do a few things around the house (cooking) but I definitely do the lions share of housework and 95% of childcare currently. My previous role after mat leave was 3 days a week and worked well for us as a family as I was happy to pick up the slack. We have no family support at all.

This time I guess I feel conflicted because it’s basically a dream job and I feel sad that as a Mum it feels seems you’re forced to choose between a varied, interesting and well rewarded career or putting your children first and taking something less challenging and with less pay but providing a much better work/life balance.

I will miss my child hugely if I take role 2 as it’s also a fairly long commute (1 hour each way) and would have to accept hardly seeing them on weeekdays. What would you do??

Btw I’ve put this in AIBU as I’m after quick responses. Need to confirm either way tomorrow. Help!

OP posts:
TalkFastThinkSlow · 12/04/2018 22:15

This thread is the perfect explanation of why the gender pay gap exists. Women really are their own worst enemy

This in spades

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 22:16

Apples,you’re confusing your biased opinion for research with good qualitative/quantitative data and research methods
There is no definitive good research that shows nursery is harmful
There is a plethora of anecdotal and poorly undertaken research were the sample participants are from a skewed sample eg were from state or social services nursery so had preexisting issues

randomthoughts · 12/04/2018 22:18

There might be a job 3 out there waiting for you. I found a job in public sector which was interesting, rewarding and challenging and has some great stuff to put on my CV. The bonus is I can work flexibly, control my travel and if I’m not away will generally be home for school pickups and to eat dinner together. It’s generally easier to find more interesting public sector roles once you’re ‘In’ so maybe take job 1 with a view to keeping an eye out for job 3!

octonaught · 12/04/2018 22:19

Also from a practical point of view, what does an extra £15k translate to? As a higher rate tax payer, a couple of hundred quid a week, of which at least half would have to go on childcare & extra commuting.

seven201 · 12/04/2018 22:19

Would take role 1 but I'm not you. It sounds like you'd regret declining role 2. How easy would it be to get a role 1 again if role 2 didn't work out?

SirensandPomegranates · 12/04/2018 22:20

Nanny0gg actually no I think having parents who are happy and feel fulfilled in the lives they lead is something that matters to children. Being there for every nappy change but being resentful about it isn't a better option than being there less but really loving that time. I personally would not be a good parent if I was a martyr to it or I felt it came at the expense of my own happiness- my happiness is part of my family's happiness.

notmypropername · 12/04/2018 22:21

Role 1 for me at the moment don't regret it one bit. I adore being able to collect and drop off the kids at school and spend quality time with them. Xx

Believeitornot · 12/04/2018 22:23

This thread is the perfect explanation of why the gender pay gap exists. Women really are their own worst enemy

I disagree.

Yes there’s an issue with the gender gap because more women take lower paid jobs.

However maybe, just maybe, part of that is because a lot of women actually don’t want the high flying well paid jobs because life is just too short.

Why can’t we have well paid jobs that do not suck away our lives? Why can’t we have shorter commutes which make stressful jobs easier?
Why can’t childcare costs be cheaper such that jobs are easier to take?

There’s lots of reasons. But why is “success” defined as climbing the ladder? There are different measures of succes. Money is but one.

Lucyccfc · 12/04/2018 22:24

Option 2 every time. If you were a man, you wouldn't even ask the question.

I chose option 2 many years ago and didn't regret it. After 12 months I negotiated some home working and also got the flexibility to do school assemblies and sports days.

Also, if I hadn't I would have been in a right mess - ended up splitting up with Ex-H, so had to support myself and DS. How many posts do you see on here from women who struggle along in shit/abusive relationships because they are not financially independent?

I have never regretted my decision. I earn great money and most importantly have a job I love. DS is better for it, as he has a happy Mum and we still spend lots of quality time together.

Neverender · 12/04/2018 22:24

Similar situation but I took option 2 and my new boss was amazingly accommodating. Now work 8-4pm for £10k more and I'm so happy I did. If it doesn't work out you can always change it? My new job is so challenging but I have flexibility to WFH and take time/days off at short notice. I was so scared but it all worked out. New boss didn't even know I had a baby when I went for the job!

Peartree17 · 12/04/2018 22:24

Take role 2, put in good childcare, and if it doesn't work out, you can reverse your decision, can't you? I've seen too many women think they can't take on an exciting role because of 'stress' or 'guilt'. Go for it.

Neverender · 12/04/2018 22:24

It does mean that DH has to pick up the slack sometimes, but good luck, whatever you decide 💐

DrawingLife · 12/04/2018 22:25

This should be a discussion between you and your DH with the premise that your career is as important as his. This isn't just about which role earns more at present, but about your future career chances and life balance etc. If you didn't have the conversation before having your dc it may be harder, but it would be absolutely unfair if your DH got to go on as if he didn't have a family while you felt so guilty that you passed up on your dream job. I don't think you should give up on 2 without first having a serious talk about how you could both pull together to make it work.

Very tough if you have to let them know tomorrow, very little time to have a life changing conversation.

Having "the talk" with my husband in good time was one of the best things I ever did (not being smug, just super relieved I had my s* together, for once in my life, when it mattered).

Neverender · 12/04/2018 22:25

Believeitornot except she DOES want the job!

onemorecakeplease · 12/04/2018 22:26

Role 1 for me. You never get this time back and I don’t regret working time time & part time and being a sahm before that for 8 years.

I aim to start a full time job in 18m (after training) and will be sad to miss things like school concerts and sports days but I’ve had it good until now.

So my career will get back on track and I’ve still got time to enjoy it and build up my pension. Being able to do drop offs and pick ups is great, plus attending all the school stuff, having time after school to do homework, have an early family tea, take them to the park, have pals over - far outweighed career for me.

Neverender · 12/04/2018 22:26

I have more money, a shorter commute, better work life balance AND £10k more. It is possible.

Fruitcorner123 · 12/04/2018 22:27

This thread is the perfect explanation of why the gender pay gap exists. Women really are their own worst enemy

Don't blame women for this. It's society that has made it acceptable for a man to do 5% of the housework and not even need to consider his working hours when a baby is born. If the OP and her partner had approached having a baby as a joint decision with joint implications for both their careers perhaps this decision wouldn't be something that would make the OP feel such tremendous guilt. In relaity though how many couples do this and how many men assume this is the woman's domain.

hidingmystatus · 12/04/2018 22:27

I did role 2. My child was in full-time nursery from 3 months old, and there have been NO detrimental effects. She's just fine. My career didn't suffer and I firmly do not agree with all the "sacrifice yourself" commentary above. Your DH needs to step up so you can do the role. If you were male you wouldn't even hesitate to do this and you'd make it work - so why settle for less because you're female? If you want role 2, get a cleaner and/or more childcare and go for it. Don't let your DH wriggle out of 50/50 responsibility - mine didn't, and he and I were in equally highly paid, full on jobs.

In summary - decide what you really want and go for it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 22:27

I’ve never seen or read a man berated for missing play,sport day etc.women are berated though
It seems to be expected that men miss plays,sport day cause of work.oh well
A woman misses same events and it’s all handwringing and future emotional turmoil
I have missed sport day & plays because of work.thats just how it goes
Am I wracked with Guilt?nope
Interestingly,I get the head tilt and such a shame you couldn’t attend school gate comments
And I reply by asking them if their dp was present?no,he was working same as me then I reply...

edwinbear · 12/04/2018 22:30

My role 2 pays for both DC's private education. As a family, we value that more than play dates.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 12/04/2018 22:31

I would have said role 2 but it's only 15k more (gross) - think about the post tax amount and could you use it for a part time nanny or Cleaner? I'd try to negotiate more pay for role 2.

I don't think it's right that the mother is the one to make career sacrifices while the father often simply carries on as usual.

FWIW when my dd was in primary school DH and I both had very demanding jobs and we split the pick ups / drop offs to breakfast and after school club equally and negotiated travel and evening events.. yes it was stressful and yes it sometimes causes arguments however I do not regret those years because now we are both significantly more senior and successful - and actually now have more flexibility!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/04/2018 22:31

Fruitcorner,I’ll attribute blame to the women who make snide comments,and predict catastrophe. These women reinforce patriarchy Because everytime they berate another woman for working but don’t apply same standards to their own dp.

duckponds · 12/04/2018 22:31

Personally I wouldn't hesitate to take role 1, it's not 'unfair'- you're lucky to be a Mum! Your child will only be this young for such a short period of time, you don't want to look back with regrets.
Also, it may be £15k more but it's a lot more hours so how much more £ does that equate to in relative terms?

MagdaS · 12/04/2018 22:32

This ^^

Mrscaindingle · 12/04/2018 22:32

I would have, and did job 1 when DC were small and was happy to do it at the time thinking I was doing the best fro my children.

However many years working part time and a career break means that my pension is not what it would have been and as my ex fucked off with the ubiquitous younger model I am now looking at a very uncertain future. And have teens who want the latest lap tops etc and who I have to somehow see through Uni. I'm doing OK but definitely not where I thought I would be financially at 50.

I wish I could go back to my younger self and give her the benefit of hindsight.

Take the dream job and get your DP to step up.