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DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

(254 Posts)
ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 01:01:34

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

pinkbraces Sat 31-Mar-18 01:03:50

Really, is it such a big deal? If so, why?

Merryoldgoat Sat 31-Mar-18 01:05:23

He just got excited and told someone! I think you’re making too much of it.

Sunshineboo Sat 31-Mar-18 01:05:46

Congratulations on your news. Try to think from do perspective - may he need support? Maybe he is excited?

Gemini69 Sat 31-Mar-18 01:07:11

you're less than 12 weeks so completely understand flowers

your husband was likely bursting with excitement... and had to tell someone.. it's his news too flowers

Redglitter Sat 31-Mar-18 01:08:50

It's only a week early does it really matter. He was probably just dying to share the news. Let it go & enjoy telling everyone else next week

ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 01:09:01

It is a big deal for me, but the fact we agreed not to say and then he told his friend is what has hurt me!
I don't want people to know before the scan because that's when you are likely to find out about any problems or a missed miscarriage etc.
It is common not to tell people before the scan and tests in case you have to make a difficult decision re any health problems etc.

PinkAvocado Sat 31-Mar-18 01:13:10

Lots of people don’t say before the scan but lots also do. I told close friends so that if something went wrong before 12 weeks, I could call on them for support. My husband and I didn’t tell people generally but he understood why I told a few. It’s also exciting and he may just have really wanted to share that with someone he trusts. Ok so you agreed together not to but I don’t think you should berate him for this.

AppleCocoon Sat 31-Mar-18 01:16:49

My husband and I agreed that we weren’t going to tell anyone before 12 weeks. I was the one pushing to keep it quiet. So far, I have told 4 people. 3 were agreed exceptions and 1 was an ‘i’m so excited, I can’t keep my mouth shut. DH completely understood.

Why does you DH need to suffer consequences?

PinkAvocado Sat 31-Mar-18 01:25:44

‘He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes’

Maybe he went along with your wishes but wanted to tell some people and compromised on just telling one person. He wanted to, you didn’t. You could now say calmly that you would really rather he didn’t tell anyone else for a week or so and then leave it.

Jenny70 Sat 31-Mar-18 01:29:09

I would be cross if my DH blurted it out to someone when we hadn't told family or close friends... but I wouldn't be devastated. It's only a week, then hopefully all will be well and you'll be spreading the news the way you want to.

Don't forget this is his baby too, and having him involved/excited is a blessing, many men can't relate to the idea of pregnancy until there is a huge bump and a nursery set up and it dawns on them they are going to be a father...

Eveforever Sat 31-Mar-18 01:29:55

It's a bit annoying, but I think the most likely explanation is that he is so excited that he couldn't keep it to himself, which would actually be rather adorable. It sounds like you're nervous about there being problems at the scan. The chances are everything will be fine and I wish you well with everything. I think it's okay to remind your husband to you want him to stick to what you've agreed, but please don't fall out with him over one slip up.

AjasLipstick Sat 31-Mar-18 01:32:31

OP just try to move on. He made a mistake but don't let it overshadow your happy news. And don't worry too much.

My friend had been trying to conceive with her DH for 5 years and when she finally got a positive test, who did she ring?

ME! shock

Not her DH....she said afterwards it was just an instinct...she rang me and told me and then we both thought "God...maybe the DH should have been first" but it was fine....we just never told him.

People do all kinds of things when they find out big news.x

Phillipa12 Sat 31-Mar-18 01:34:38

Pick your battles, this really isnt one.

cantstopfuckingeating Sat 31-Mar-18 01:38:54

Ah ffs wind it in there are worse things in life!
The day I found out I was preg with ds, dh went out in a pre planned sesh.
I got a phone call at 3am from my bil who had heard it like 5th hand! Dh obvs blabbed as he was bursting!
My only annoyance was my mum and mil hadn't been told. So we got up really early on the Sunday morning and went to tell them
All was good and no one died!
Chill out and enjoy!

WellAndTrulyCurbed Sat 31-Mar-18 01:42:07

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!

What do you mean by that? You want to make him 'pay'?

Let it go OP. Be annoyed, I'm sure we all would be, but ultimately it's truly not that big of a deal

ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 01:46:00

Thanks for your responses.
I know this may seem like not too much of a big deal to some people but I feel like I no longer trust him and if we discuss names before the birth he will go telling people them as well!
I feel like the only way round it is to not discuss names until after the birth. We have discussed names a little bit but I'm not telling him what I like and what I don't now because I only like about 3 names in the world and if he tells someone what we've picked I will definitely want to change it!
A friend of a friend announced her baby name when she was about 20wks pregnant and when it was born nobody was interested because they knew the sex and name already - felt like they'd known him for yrs! Let's face it no-one cares about weight and birth date do they!?

TheHandmaidsTail Sat 31-Mar-18 01:48:35

When I was pregnant with DC1 (now on DC3 who is 4) I went mental at DH for telling one friend we were expecting. That friend didn't even tell his wife, and it raised his immeasurably in my estimation smile, it showed what a great mate he was, and obviously I wouldn't have bothered about him telling his wife but he didn't.

It doesn't always need to be a bad thing

TheHandmaidsTail Sat 31-Mar-18 01:51:05

Hmmm okay just read your update.

It's a baby, it's not "news" or a "name". In the nicest way no one but you and possibly grandparents are that interested.

You need to recognise your dp doesn't have to do what you say, and it's really not a big deal that he told one friend. There will be much bigger issues you need to agree on.

PinkAvocado Sat 31-Mar-18 01:55:29

OP, those that matter will care that loved ones have had a baby and be excited for you regardless if they know the sex or names or not. Your DH has told one person probably for reasons others have given and you’ve then built it up to be more than that with a lot of ‘what ifs’. My friend told me the moment she found out she was pregnant then the sex and name when they knew those. This in no way diminished my joy and excitement on hearing the baby was born or theirs. Why are you so worried about other people being interested at the announcement?

It is not a given your husband will be sharing all the info and it’s unlikely he will when he realises how angry you are over this but don’t try and punish him for confiding in a friend.

notangelinajolie Sat 31-Mar-18 01:57:18

Congratulations! Aw he is excited.

But totally understand you not wanting to tell anyone before scan. We waited and didn't say anything to anyone. But it is done now so you have to get over this and move on. Be happy together and don't bear grudges.

Firstimefreaked Sat 31-Mar-18 01:59:59

Congratulations! I was miffed that my OH was so excited that he told the landlord before I told my own mother 😬 Still keeping that a secret!

DappledThings Sat 31-Mar-18 02:09:03

The people who are close enough to you to be excited when the baby is born will be just as excited whether they know the name already or not. No point getting wound up about whether it's a secret or some people know.

upthewolves Sat 31-Mar-18 02:11:42

But you're not having a baby in order for it to be 'interesting' to other people?? Maybe your friend who announced the name at the 20 week scan didn't care that other people weren't interested when the baby was born! I feel more and more these days with the ' gender reveal' parties and baby showers and snan pictures on Facebook that having a baby is becoming an 'event' to garner attention rather than two people starting a family. Babies are born every day. No one is really bothered unless it's their own or a close family member.

It feels from reading this like you're annoyed that DH got to break the news first rather than you being worried about problems at the scan.

ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 02:12:13

I just don't want to feel like other people are owning my pregnancy!
How do I explain missed miscarriage or abortion after any problems if those things were to happen!? I personally think if you are going to draw a line you have to draw it somewhere! He wanted to wait until 12 weeks as I did, but he can't trust himself!
I feel guilty that our families are going to find out after DH's friend who won't even be part of DC's life.
I've always been quite a secretive person so I won't be announcing my pregnancy on facebook or anything. It also feels important to me to keep the name private.

Storminateapot Sat 31-Mar-18 02:18:13

I felt a bit of sympathy at your first post but just thought aww bless, he's really excited and that's a good thing.

Are you a 'tempting fate' believer? You do realise that the scan you have coming up will be the same regardless of whether he has told his best mate or not?

Your update sounds a bit deranged. You won't confirm your choice of his child's name until he/she has arrived in case he tells someone? Seriously?! Do you control his thoughts and deeds in other ways? This is a person you are bringing into the world not a 'big announcement'. Nobody but you really cares what name you're choosing.

We chose to find out sexes and named all of our children (to very close family/friends) before birth. There was no sense of anticlimax or disinterest from anyone when they arrived - they love us and were thrilled to see the new babies. Unless you expect your choice of name to be a feature in Hello magazine I really don't see the issue.

steff13 Sat 31-Mar-18 02:26:33

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!

Naughty step? Remember, it's one minute on the step for year of their age.

PinkAvocado Sat 31-Mar-18 02:32:18

Why won’t his friend be a part of your DC’s life? Even if not, so what?! Will you only allow your DH to tell people you decide are suitable?

If something sad is discovered at your 12 week scan then your husband will no doubt go to that same person for support. You won’t need to explain it to his friend at all.

Stillgameforalaugh Sat 31-Mar-18 02:44:41

Ach I told a guy I worked with never I told dh and I was ony 4 wks at the time. I'd been told I couldn't be pregnant... felt odd and did a test that morning which looked positive but not def. Dh knew then...i went to the doc that morning and had it confirmed. Dh was in meetings all day and I didn't really want to tell him over the phone. Went into work and told the guy who I was friendly with. No big deal...i just had to tell someone as I was absolutely bursting. Dh didn't mind.

ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 02:53:20

I don't believe in tempting fate but I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private! If I become not pregnant any more it will need to be explained!
I just don't trust him now so I feel like I can't discuss names. I told him how important it was to me and fretted over it and he agreed we should keep it private but then didn't.
I think not announcing the name until after birth is the respectable thing to do. I'm sorry if anyone disagrees, that's just the way I feel and as I said before I don't want to feel like other people own my pregnancy!

ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 02:56:25

We rarely see the friend he went out with. DH can tell whoever he wants once we make sure everything is ok, but at the minute we don't know anything ourselves!

LeslieKnopefan Sat 31-Mar-18 02:56:42

Congratulations on being the first person to be pregnant ever!

I’m sure everyone else in the world can’t wait to hear every detail!!

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sat 31-Mar-18 03:04:06

Congrats to the father, sounds a great loving man. Will hopefully override your weirdness...

Storminateapot Sat 31-Mar-18 03:05:23

Well it's very clear now that you own your pregnancy and your DH's needs and feelings pertaining to that are secondary.

I sincerely wish you the very best for your scan and look forward to the day when 'the big name reveal' is televised on a mountaintop a la Lion King.

DappledThings Sat 31-Mar-18 03:06:58

What do you mean by "respectable"? How is not respectable to tell people a name before? Are you planning some kind of formal announcement in The Times as the only way to tell people?

TotHappy Sat 31-Mar-18 03:07:23

You do sound a bit ott I'm afraid. But i think it is also possible that the pregnancy hormones are influencing you. I remember it now, but at the time you dont realise that's what it is - you just think this thing is huuugely important when in retrospect, it isn't.
When i was preg with dd, I lost a favourite scarf somewhere in the street coming away from a gig. I was really upset. I had nightmares all night about my lost scarf. Dh, bless his heart, went back to the street the next morning, found it gelpfully tied to a lamp post and brought it back to me. I was still in bed. Crying about the scarf.

This might not be what's happening to you, and if not sorry if i seem patronising. It is horrible to feel like you can't trust someone to respect your wishes. But i dont think that's what's going on here. I think he wanted to respect them, tried to, and slipped. I also do understand the idea of wanting to keep some things private, so you have your own little snuggly secret between you, dh and bump, to keep things special.

steff13 Sat 31-Mar-18 03:09:23

We have discussed names a little bit but I'm not telling him what I like and what I don't now because I only like about 3 names in the world and if he tells someone what we've picked I will definitely want to change it!

I just saw this part. This is a really weird attitude.

TotHappy Sat 31-Mar-18 03:11:29

@storminateacup, she does own it and his needs are secondary. Not irrelevant. But secondary. Because while they are both preparing for parenthood, she is the one doing the pregnancy, and all the shit that comes with that.

TotHappy Sat 31-Mar-18 03:12:20

Sorry, should have been @storminateapot

ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 03:16:27

I just think if 2 people who agree to keep a name private until after the birth can't keep the name to themselves until after the baby is born that is pretty desperate!
Obviously a lot of people will have opinions on the chosen name and I have known people in the past try to change the couple's mind when announced in advance which is out of order!
When the name has been kept private with couples I have never heard any stories about negative comments/ trying to put the couple off the name etc.
We both only have small families and I have 4 friends so it's not like we have many to announce it to anyway but it's nice if we agree to keep something private and stick to it!

Belphegor Sat 31-Mar-18 03:16:31

You are really, really OTT and a complete control freak.

With all the management amd angst of baby names etc it sounds like you're having a royal baby or something. I do not for one second believe your story about the woman you knew who had a baby and no one cared because they already knew the name. That is batshit.

Storminateapot Sat 31-Mar-18 03:19:47

And she gets to choose the name too? And if he discloses the choice before express permission has been granted it will be changed without consultation?

Yep. All seems pretty standard to me.

Thanks for the reminder on how pregnancy works anyway as it's been a while. Maybe that's why I can see what a storm in a teacup (see what I did there?) this is in the context of the rest of this child's life.

KimberlyS2 Sat 31-Mar-18 03:22:35

If I become not pregnant any more it will need to be explained!

This can happen after the 12 week scan. It’s less likely, but happens to lots of people.

I’ve known the names of people’s babies before they were born, it didn’t matter that the name wasn’t being announced with the birth as the most important thing to know is that Mum and baby both doing well and baby arrived safely.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken Sat 31-Mar-18 03:27:01

If she’s so controlling before the baby is born and named....poor child afterwards

ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 03:27:24

I admit I am a control freak! I feel like being pregnant I have lost a bit of control of my life because my body is doing weird things!
I suppose I am clinging onto the things I thought I could control!
I didn't want to tell family/friends about the pregnancy as early as 12wks originally but that was the compromise we came to and I'm just annoyed that he has told his friend a week before the scan.
I didn't say I was going to choose the name, I said it'd have to be chosen after the birth if we get to that stage!

TheMaddHugger Sat 31-Mar-18 03:33:21

I already feel sorry for your Child

ThisIsTheFirstStep Sat 31-Mar-18 03:40:09

OP I’m a control freak too. But I control myself. Not other people. You’re going to have to take it way easier once you have a baby, trust me.

Celticlassie Sat 31-Mar-18 03:40:42

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

So leave him. Bring up the baby on your own, in accordance to your wishes, and only your wishes. But if you're not going to, you're just going to have to get the fuck over it.

Emma198 Sat 31-Mar-18 03:41:15

Nothing winds me up more than an AIBU where the overwhelming consensus is yes absolutely but OP insists they're not. If you're that certain you're in the right and not unreasonable then you shouldn't have asked. Feel sorry for your husband.

HappyStripper Sat 31-Mar-18 03:47:47

This is really strange, I kind of get waiting to tell people but your husband getting excited is also understandable. The name thing, however, is completely ridiculous. Not discussing your child’s name with your partner because he may tell someone and they may make a slightly negative comment is a weird choice. What are you going to do when the child does something you don’t agree with or their name is made fun of at school?

TotHappy Sat 31-Mar-18 03:49:12

@storminateapot no, I agree with your points broadly, so there's no need for such snippiness wink

NeverTalksToStrangers Sat 31-Mar-18 03:49:15

We told some family and friends before 12 wks with my first pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage at 10 weeks. I don't regret telling people because I needed the 'support' afterwards. The people I worked closely with all knew too as I took sick leave because of it. I think there is too much shame and secrecy surrounding miscarriage. It's a form of loss and you definitely suffer a form of grief. I found it therapeutic in some way to talk about it with other women who had been through the same thing and I've since consoled other women myself. I was lucky to have a successful 2nd and then 4th pregnancy, so thankfully I didn't experience the pain of recurrent losses but i remember how hard the first one was.

We didn't consider having any further medical testing though and probably wouldn't have considered an abortion if anything had come up at the 20 week scan anyway though so maybe that's a big difference. You do realise a lot of the checks on the baby are done at 20 weeks and not 12?

Sharpstagram Sat 31-Mar-18 03:55:06

OP you're not in the US are you? I receive emails from an American site where all the women seem to make huuuuuge issues over shit like this, or no one bought stuff from their registry for their baby shower, there are 'bump reveals', 'gender reveals' 'name reveals' name it they'll have a catered party to reveal it.

You are growing a HUMAN CHILD inside of you, that's the only important thing to focus on. Not whether the pregnancy or name or sex is revealed at the right time. Honestly pregnancy is an experience, yes, but one that only you and DH are all that interested in and it's just a means to an end. No one else wants to 'own it'. You'll have forgotten about all this drama when the baby is actually here and if you have more kids in the future you'll probably be embarrassed about how much of a deal you're making over your DH telling a friend. It's his baby too and I totally get that you're nervous about people knowing before you've had the scan but really this has nothing to do with trust. Lots of FTMs feel like you, like all these 'announcements' have to be perfect but really no one cares.

Good luck with your scan I hope it goes well, then try to relax and give DH a break

Storminateapot Sat 31-Mar-18 03:56:06

Apologies for snippage. smile

TreaclePumpkin Sat 31-Mar-18 04:27:14

I get it OP. I would have felt annoyed too. I hope it all goes well at the scan. Whilst there are lots of things to worry about, more likely than not, all will be fine.

Also, with the name thing, I did tell a friend my son's name before he was born and she was quite rude about it and suggested we pick something else (and honestly, it wasn't any kind of weird or wacky name - pretty standard, just not to her taste). I found it really irritating and after that didn't tell another soul until after he was born, didn't want to hear what anyone else had to say. People are less likely to share opinions about names they dislike once actually confronted with that name in the form of a gorgeous newborn. So if you want to keep the name to yourself and DH, that's fair enough. If you let him know you how you feel about this particular incident, I'm sure he will be more mindful in future.

Anyhoo, re this particular misstep, on the plus side (if you can call it that) he told someone not particularly close to you/your family, so you won't realistically have to worry about sharing bad news that you'd rather keep quiet,if it ever comes to that a and I'm sure it won't!

It's an exciting time for both of you, your DH slipped up, but I can guarantee you once your baby arrives there will be times you may both end up making mistakes. As much as you may be mad at him now, it's not worth taking away the joy of your happy news - take a deep breath, let it go and focus on the good!

Panda81 Sat 31-Mar-18 04:39:41

OP, what has your DH said about it since telling his friend? Assuming he knows your annoyed with him, what's he said about that?

emmyrose2000 Sat 31-Mar-18 04:45:53

Please get a grip.

Absofrigginlootly Sat 31-Mar-18 04:51:35

I get it too OP. I think you've had a hard time on here.

You made a decision together about something important between the two of you. And he betrayed that trust by telling someone when you'd agreed together you weren't going to. Plus you'd told him you didn't want to tell anyone before 12 weeks so he knew how you felt.

All this "but he was just so excited" is rubbish imo. He's presumably a grown adult with some impulse control not a toddler trying to keep a surprise present quiet (my 3 year old DD always tells me in a "we made you a card but we have to keep it as a surprise" bursting with pride sort of way).... cute and understandable with a toddler. Not so much your life partner who you are supposed to trust and share your innermost worries and fears with.

I'm also a very private person OP. I get it. I wouldn't want anyone knowing if anything went wrong because I wouldn't want their support. I know I've been there many times unfortunately. Another reason I wouldn't announce until 14+ weeks personally.

The point is you are the one who is pregnant. Not your DH. Yes it's his baby too but essentially it's your body and your "medical information" if you will. The same people berating you herefor being "precious" or whatever would no doubt be on another thread defending a woman's right to have an abortion against the fathers wishes if it's what she wanted. Or to exclude the father from the birth if it was what she wanted ("it's your body, not his, birth is not a spectator sport etc")

I would be very hurt if my DH betrayed my confidence this way. Especially after I'd made it clear it was important to me. Whether anyone else agrees with your reasons is irrelevant really. He knew you had agreed to keep it quiet until you were comfortable to share the news

PinkAvocado Sat 31-Mar-18 04:55:14

Abso-so if something went wrong, would her DH not be entitled to need support because he isn’t the one carrying the baby?

Absofrigginlootly Sat 31-Mar-18 04:59:11

Presumably he would discuss it with his wife first?? Ask her how she felt about him sharing that information as he would like to garner support... and go from there. I would assume his first instinct would be to support his wife who would be the one physically going through the process..... don't people communicate in their relationships??

moita Sat 31-Mar-18 05:35:34

I accidentally let slip we were expecting again to a friend before my 12 week scan - DH was amused if anything. Anyway in our case the 12 week scan went perfectly so we told everyone; then major problems were detected at 20 weeks. If we had another child I probably wouldn't bother with any secrecy.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Sat 31-Mar-18 06:12:43

YABVVVU here OP and I feel very sorry for your husband and future child.

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!

You don’t do anything. He’s not a child; you don’t get to give him “consequences” or punish him when you don’t like his behaviour. You deal with it like adults and if you can’t then you separate.

You are a control freak and you’ve admitted this, but this does not mean you get to control other people. Attempting to do so is tantamount to abuse.

At the end of the day, the harsh truth is that nobody really cares about your baby. They’ll say congratulations because that’s the nice thing to do, but bar your parents and DH, nobody else cares because babies are born every day.

BoomBoomsCousin Sat 31-Mar-18 06:15:45

I understand why you feel betrayed and feel like you can't trust him, I think you need to take a step back and think about his relationship with the friend he told. Id this friend a loud-mouthed idiot who will tell all and sundry or a loyal confidant who helps your DH be the man he is? Does your DH have good judgement in who he chooses to confide in?

Because if he's told someone who, as like as not, will be telling others, then you have good reason to be upset at how he's let you down. But if his friend is reliable and stalwart support, long-term you hurt yourself by criticising his use of the sort of person who will help keep him strong and stable. Sometimes we all can benefit from an ear to share excitement and challenges with. It's typical to do so with our spouses, but sometimes a spouse is too close for one reason or another. Having another person who can provide this support without challenging the relationship between spouses can be a source of strength for everyone involved.

It is scary to be pregnant. I understand why this seems like a betrayal. But if the friend he shared with is a friend who has been true and strong in the past, I think you need to take a deep breath and accept he needs more of an outlet. Is it possible you also need more of an outlet than you feel you have? Might it help your need for control if you didn't have only one person to talk about this life-changing event?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 31-Mar-18 06:18:07

Fgs chill OP.

It’s his baby too. I know it’s special, and your first and all that, but really you need to get over yourself.

ALittleAubergine Sat 31-Mar-18 06:18:36

I was worried about not telling anyone before 20 week scan in case anything was wrong and we'd have to make difficult decisions, I didn't have to be in a more painful position where I'd have to keep publicly retelling what happened. So I do get it. The thing was of course that by 20 weeks I was already showing, impossible to hide it under loose clothing. Plus I had to tell certain people such as work colleagues in order to get time off for appointments anyways. There are so many things that will be out of your control when it comes to pregnancy and kids in general. At least your dh didn't announce it on social media.

notsohippychick Sat 31-Mar-18 06:34:35

Congrats on your news!

However please get some perspective here! You are sounding a bit controlling and slightly weird. You are putting too much weight on people focusing on your pregnancy, the name etc. People will congratulate you and move on!

Just enjoy your pregnancy. All this shit doesn’t matter. In the nicest possible way, please calm down.

MsHopey Sat 31-Mar-18 06:37:56

I wouldn't waste time stressing about if people find out and who they're going to tell. Stress correctly affects your baby.
I understand your upset and feel like he went behind your back, but I do think most people think it's all up to the mother. If you had told a close friend do you think he'd be trying to punish you?
And at least he was honest enough to come home and let you know it slipped out, not hide more from you.
And saying "people don't care when you know the sex and name because they feel like they've known them for years", thats a little bit of rubbish. People who are waiting to find out the name are nosey. People waiting to meet your gorgeous baby and have an active role are not going to be bothered that they knew the baby's name 15 weeks ago, they are going to still be over the moon.

UnsuspectedItem Sat 31-Mar-18 06:39:03

OP, you seriously need to get over these control issues ASAP as you are going to have to be making a lot of compromises when your baby is born.
Can you try and think about this from your Husbands perspective for a moment?
It's his baby too and you seem determined to cut him out of it.
You're going to end up with a very very unhappy marriage if you won't cut him some slack.

Mogleflop Sat 31-Mar-18 06:40:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnsuspectedItem Sat 31-Mar-18 06:40:50

And trust me, no one will care about the baby name except you and your parents.

Please don't be one of those parents who act like their child is the Messiah and everyone should be 100% invested with every minor detail, regardless of who they are.

BusyBeez99 Sat 31-Mar-18 06:42:59

OP give your DH a break. I assume this is your PFB

You've got so much ahead of you that you don't even know about yet - this is such a minor issue believe me

Remember to err is human. He's hardly done anything really bad. He's just so excited.

Grow up a bit.

Blaablaablaa Sat 31-Mar-18 06:49:25

I mean this in the best possible way but nobody other than you, your DH, and some very close family is actually that bothered about your pregnancy. It's a bit like weddings you it's the biggest deal in the world but to others it's a but 'meh' until the actual day.

We told parents straight away as we figured if something did happen we would have probably told them anyway and they would have been supportive .

In the end I went very public at 8 weeks - telling work and everything- because I suffered such horrendous morning sickness. I had a couple of scares and bled heavily throughout and im glad people knew as they were nothing but supportive and understanding.

dontticklethetoad Sat 31-Mar-18 06:55:16


Are you the same person that posted about the fleshlight? Your controlling tone is familiar.

voxnihili Sat 31-Mar-18 07:02:05

With my first pregnancy, I didn't tell anyone. I then had a miscarriage and had to go through it all on my own. DP and I agreed not to tell anyone, but I had to confide in a couple of friends, it was too big to keep to myself. I've never told him that a couple of my friends know, and I have no idea if he told anyone.

I'm now pregnant again and told a couple of friends really early on. I needed the support as I was terrified. Again, I don't know if DP told anyone.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that whilst it is your body, he is connected to the baby as well. If something were to go wrong, either of you may need support.

RoadToRivendell Sat 31-Mar-18 07:05:56

Poor guy.

TheGrumpySquirrel Sat 31-Mar-18 07:06:38

Why is the OP getting such a hard time? She's not had any scans yet - it's very common for MMC at 6-8 weeks to be discovered at 12wk scan. Besides he is her HUSBAND and they AGREED not to tell anyone. It's a massive breach of trust. Until the baby is born the information about the pregnancy is information about OP's reproductive organs and body and is personal and private. I'd be raging too OP and would feel the same doubts about discussing names etc (you only have to read the baby name boards to understand why it's a bad idea to tell people the name before the birth)

knackeredandneedwine Sat 31-Mar-18 07:09:20

..I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private..

A miscarriage or abortion is never something to feel ashamed about.

TheGrumpySquirrel Sat 31-Mar-18 07:10:17

True but it's nobody else's business if OP doesn't want it to be!

Merryhobnobs Sat 31-Mar-18 07:10:29

Having a baby is a huge life changing event and often the man feels under so much pressure and that he can't say anything to his partner because he just wants to be 100% supportive. So maybe he just needed to talk to his friend. I talked to my 3 closest friends before telling family both times. I lost my second baby at nearly 15 weeks so everyone knew. In sone ways that was good and in other ways it was obviously much harder. However none of that is the point. Stop trying to control everything. A baby isn't for news. And believe me when things are tough with a newborn you and your husband will need to be a strong team

user1499333856 Sat 31-Mar-18 07:13:35

I think the reality of having children is really going to challenge your beliefs that everything has to be 'just so'.

I can see problems ahead with in-laws, care givers, friends. You are not the first person to be pregnant. You won't be the last. Try to keep that in mind because you are going to spoil your pregnancy for yourself.

And don't treat your DH likes this. I feel sorry for him.

Mossend Sat 31-Mar-18 07:15:15

You can choose not to tell anyone, that is entirely your choice but as this baby is as much your husbands as yours he is perfectly entitled to tell whoever he likes.
You can not control another adult and as for worrying about what consequences he can suffer that is just weird.

bimbobaggins Sat 31-Mar-18 07:16:29

It doesn’t sound as though the husband had much choice in having to agree. I feel sorry for him.
I told loads of people when I found out, the same people I would have told if I’d miscarried too for support

Andromeida59 Sat 31-Mar-18 07:16:30

OP, you sound completely OTT and the whole thing about him "disrespecting your wishes" just makes you sound unhinged. Maybe he spoke to this distant friend because he needed to talk to someone. I understand the nerves but this isn't just about you. When I had a MC I was horrified at the thought of anyone knowing as I felt embarrassed. I then realised that not/talking to someone was my choice but my partner also needed support. Please lighten up. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy x

Sarahh2014 Sat 31-Mar-18 07:18:19

I asked dh not to tell anyone and the next thing ge was on the phone to his mum and I was only around 7 weeks! Just try and remember it's his baby too and it's good he's excited

Gottokondo Sat 31-Mar-18 07:19:49

There are six billion people on this world. They didn't come by bus. Nobody is that interested in your pregnancy. You are being controlling. Also about the possibility of a miscarriage in the 11 th week. All that happens is that you say that ypu had one and everyone goed"aaah I'm so sorry". And maybe a "had one too". You'll need time off of work then anyway.

Stop with the "what ifs". This baby is 50% your husbands and he gets to decide too. Ypu know what? He decided to tell his friend. Get over it. Let it go. If you can't let it go get therapy. This is peanuts with what is coming.

DaisyLand Sat 31-Mar-18 07:20:27

Op in the nicest way I think you need to relax and enjoy (something I have not done in my pregnancy )

When are you willing to announce the pregnancy? After week 12? As in 20w scan there can be still things picked up and still need to decide to terminate for medical reasons. Will you want to wait til then to announce it ? The other day I sadly read that someone had lost the baby in mn at week 24 with no reason. Don’t want to scare you but If something I’ve learnt with this is that you’re always at risk til the baby is here (that’s why I’ve not relaxed )

“A friend of a friend announced her baby name when she was about 20wks pregnant and when it was born nobody was interested because they knew the sex and name already - felt like they'd known him for yrs! Let's face it no-one cares about weight and birth date do they!?”

It’s your baby and his , isn’t that enough excitement for you? I’m due next week , everyone knows about my babies name already , everyone is excited to meet him , and if I weren’t I wouldn’t care at all as I’m and so is my dh and that is everything I care about. I’ve fougjr loads for so if people weren’t interested on him as they knew his name already , honestly I wouldn’t care. Btw in my office there is a sweepstake going on about how much the baby is going to weight.

He’s done a mistake , should have waited true , but it’s his baby as much as yours and “he shouldn’t be paying the consequences”. That’s not a good way of bringing a baby to the world , it should be happy times.

Hope everything goes ok. Enjoy the rest of the pregnancy

laloup1 Sat 31-Mar-18 07:21:00

I ageee it’s annoying he confided in a friend when you agreed not to. But this 12 week tradition is to be challenged - why all the secrecy? Did you just do it, because it’s the ‘done thing’?
It’s his baby too. And if, in the horrible event that the pregnancy doesn’t go well, is this the friend he would want or need to turn to for support? Or would you want him to cope with it with no support network?
You are about to have a family. You get to write your own rules, you don’t have to just sheepishly follow the norms.
Good luck for your scan! Hope you move past this - it’s no biggie!

bizarreFoods Sat 31-Mar-18 07:21:02

"I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!"

Sad that a baby's being brought into a relationship where you want him to suffer concequences.

"I just don't want to feel like other people are owning my pregnancy!"

What the fuck does this mean?

" It also feels important to me to keep the name private."

Why is that not surprising?

Parker231 Sat 31-Mar-18 07:21:46

I think you acting ott - you will have a time time of compromising about your Dc’s from their name, bedtime routine, schooling, etc. in the scheme of things when you tell people about your pregnancy is really not news for anyone other than your immediate friends and family. Should anything go wrong, they are the people you are going to want the support from.

selavy Sat 31-Mar-18 07:22:04

Are people really this self involved or do they fake it just to bait people into commenting here?
OP no one cares! No one cares if you’re pregnant, going to name the baby Princess Consuela Banana Hammock or it if comes out green.
Your partner was probably happy and wanted to tell a friend, why you would get annoyed is being me (and I read the full thread and think all your reasons are bit ridiculous). But honestly, I bet his friend has already forgotten about and won’t think about the fact that you’re pregnant again until you announce that the baby is here. You know why? Because people have lives and they don’t care!!

MayCatt Sat 31-Mar-18 07:23:06

OP, I can understand why you're disappointed in your DH. You both agreed something and he then went back on that so you feel let down by him. When you're pregnant you can feel very vulnerable anyway so I'd imagine this feels like more of a big deal than it might do normally.

However, you have a long few months ahead of you and it will bring you and your husband closer together if you let it. I would sit down with him and tell him you feel let down that he went back on his word and that you're going to need to depend on him over this pregnancy so you need to know it won't happen again.

Then I would draw a line under it and move on. Try to relax and not get so caught up on things needing to be a certain way as it'll be good practice for when the baby is here.

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest Sat 31-Mar-18 07:24:17

I just don't trust him now so I feel like I can't discuss names.

I'm guessing this is his 'punishment'.

He told a friend he hardly sees, one that you don't see. It will have zero impact on you regardless of what happens.

Let your dh enjoy your pregnancy too, if you push him away and keep him at a distance then you may get your wish and he won't get involved at all. He doesn't have to be the exact amount of excited your terms and conditions allow.

HulaMelody Sat 31-Mar-18 07:29:00

I completely understand about not wanting to say anything before the scan, and for wanting to keep things private.
Maybe your DH is also a bit worried about the scan so just wanted to say something to someone - and felt his friend had enough distance from you all not to make it a huge deal or blab to anyone else.
Telling people prior to the scan will not change its outcome; and in the event that it wouldn’t be good news, people are there to support you. I do understand that you would want some things to remain private but miscarriage is not something to be ashamed of and it deserves support from a wide range of family and friends.
Hoping your scan goes well and you can both share the lovely news with more people.

SilverySurfer Sat 31-Mar-18 07:29:01

You're being a drama llama OP and really controlling. I wonder how your DH feels being treated like a naughty little boy? He did have a part to play in you being pregnant you know, unless you're expecting the second coming.

ChasedByBees Sat 31-Mar-18 07:31:09

It sounds like you want to punish your DH and for him to suffer consequences. He’s an adult, you don’t get to ‘punish’ him like a child who’s misbehaving.

To not discuss names with him for the rest of your pregnancy (as a way to punish him perhaps?) will just fill your pregnancy with bad feeling and grudges. Is that what you want?

Let it go.

sendthecoffee Sat 31-Mar-18 07:32:06

I announced all three of my pregnancies almost as soon as we found out between 6-8'weeks. I figured telling people wasn't going to stop anything happening, and if anything did happen, I'd need and want the support. As soon as we knew the sex at 20 weeks we announced the names - no negativity and people were excited when they were born. Get over it OP, it's really not the biggest deal in the world and if this gets you this worked up, god help you when your child is born.

Alwayswonderingwhere Sat 31-Mar-18 07:34:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunnyCoco Sat 31-Mar-18 07:34:58

Sorry you’re getting such a hard time on here op

I’ve suffered recurrent losses and it’s made me more private, not less, as people can be so insensitive . I completely understand not wanting to tell people yet. Best of luck x

Welshwabbit Sat 31-Mar-18 07:37:47

OP I understand why you are annoyed with your husband but I think you may be overreacting a little. The fact that he has managed not to say anything until 11 weeks suggests it may have been an accidental slip on his part - it's easy to do (e.g. where are you going on holiday this year? Well, ballerini will be close to her due date by August so..."). And I don't think the name issue is the same at all - it's not exciting news in the same way so less potential for slips. By all means tell your husband that you are disappointed he's told someone before the agreed time, but I would suggest you draw a line under it now and move on. There are lots of challenges that come with having a small baby and you want to be facing them together.

DazzlingMilton Sat 31-Mar-18 07:39:04

I actually don’t know if I can take this seriously?

Betrayal, consequences, breach of trust... it sounds like a B-rated movie plot. Anyone would think he’d been having a sordid affair...

In the great scheme of things you should realise you’re very lucky this is the only thing you have to worry about. If you can’t deal with the fact that he shared his news with one friend, most likely either out of worry or excitement, after already having waited this long ... then you’ve got major issues ahead of you. Whether things go right or wrong, he’s more than entitled to seek support, no one should be forced to deal with things on their own.

Withholding the special moments talk about names for the next 7 months by way of punishment for his crime is fucking ridiculous.

Calm down and get some perspective, you have a long pregnancy ahead of you... pick your battles and save your emotional outbursts for a time when you really need them.

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