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AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

(303 Posts)

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Snafu1988 Sat 04-Nov-17 02:02:28

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

clownfaces Sat 04-Nov-17 02:11:45

Your op makes no sense to me.
YABU

MyKingdomForBrie Sat 04-Nov-17 02:13:58

You want him to call you by your surname? I’m confused - do we need some cultural background?

steff13 Sat 04-Nov-17 02:16:51

So, your name is, for example, Jennifer Smith and he calls you Jennifer or Jen, and you'd prefer to be called Smith?

Snafu1988 Sat 04-Nov-17 02:20:10

Steff, yes. Exactly. Sorry for not bringing my point across very well.

If my name was „Jennifer Smith“ i wanted to be called „Mrs. Smith“ instead of „Jennifer“ or „Jen“ or by my maiden name.

steff13 Sat 04-Nov-17 02:23:47

Well, I think that would be considered somewhat formal by most people, especially for someone they've known a long time. And having called that person by their first name for a while already. Is th Is this guy the only person you expect to address you so formally? Is there a reason why?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 04-Nov-17 02:25:02

YABU. We're not living in the 1950s where everyone was Mr Jones, Ms Jones, Miss Jones or Mrs Jones.
I used to feel like screaming every time Rachael Jordache in Brookside called Ron Dixon, Mr Dixon. FFS women, Who calls their father in law, Mr

kmc1111 Sat 04-Nov-17 02:28:16

You want him to address you as Mrs. Whatever? Really? That's extremely formal for a recent acquitance, let alone one you've known for years. If you were considerably older than him then perhaps, but it sounds like you're either peers or younger than him.

If it really matters to you then tell him, but honestly I think most people would find that a very rude request these days.

clownfaces Sat 04-Nov-17 02:29:54

Get over yourself if this real 🤡🤡

Snafu1988 Sat 04-Nov-17 02:33:35

I cannot put it into words. He looks at me in an odd way... like he is sexually interested... but he never did or said anything... so maybe it is just me.
It feels like he tries to „catch me“ without me husband... I try to always be around my husband or a male relative when he is around.
So i cannot really explain this but I do not want to be called by my first name by him.

He kissed my hand a few times. I said „please, no“ and he was like „please. You must allow me that I am old school“ (he really is old school in his manners). It was just a formal kiss, nothing unusual and my husband as well as other people were standing there too.

LilQueenie Sat 04-Nov-17 02:33:37

yabu its weird. None does that anymore OP. If you don't like your name change it.

Snafu1988 Sat 04-Nov-17 02:34:27

I am actually younger than him.

Snafu1988 Sat 04-Nov-17 02:36:19

LilQueenie. It is not about my not liking my name. I like it. It is about me wanting to decide who calls me by my first name.

steff13 Sat 04-Nov-17 02:45:10

You can ask him not to call you by your first name, but ultimately you don't control his behavior. If he's a close family friend, this might be a situation where you want to pick your battles and let this one go.

TitaniasCloset Sat 04-Nov-17 02:50:45

You want him to call you by your surname and he kisses your hand looks at you funny.

Are we in Jane Austen land by any chance?

kuniloofdooksa Sat 04-Nov-17 02:54:18

It sounds like your spider-senses are tingling to tell you that this could be a creepy sexual predator and you are using the name formality to put some distance between you?

If that is so, is it possible to just not spend time with him at all?

If you are in the UK, being called by title and surname just doesn't happen culturally except between salesperson and customer occasionally and at school pupils to teachers, and to some extent professionally in hospitals and universities but that is falling too. Everyone else is expected to be on first-name terms.

If your gut is telling you to keep him away from you then trust your gut but this names thing isn't the way to do it.

clownfaces Sat 04-Nov-17 02:56:44

How bloody weird. You just don't want him to call you by, you know, your name? confused

nooka Sat 04-Nov-17 02:57:57

If he makes you uncomfortable then avoid him, but it really isn't reasonable to ask him to call you Mrs Smith (or equivalent). You know him in an informal friendship type setting where everyone else calls you by your first name. Fair enough not to want him using your nickname - although I think that's also a bit hard to police, my siblings all call me by a nickname I don't use outside immediate family and so their partners, children and fiends do to, I'd feel a bit of a dick insisting otherwise.

clownfaces Sat 04-Nov-17 02:58:06

However, anyone who kisses your hand is a bloody weirdo

GetOutOfMYGarden Sat 04-Nov-17 02:59:44

YABU, if you don't like him enough to have him call you by your name then don't interact with him at all.

How old are you if you'd prefer Mrs X? I'd feel a bit offended someone outside of a work environment called me that!

adCampaign Sat 04-Nov-17 03:00:00

You sound very strange OP.

Snafu1988 Sat 04-Nov-17 03:01:03

I know this may sound odd to you but I am continental European gentry and kissing a woman’s hand is really not that unusual for our men if they are old school which quite a few are.

What is however odd and most unusual is kissing a woman’s hand if the woman does not want this to happen, but then I was to polite to tell him. I was just like „please, no“.

Yes, I know it would be better if I asked the people I know but I do not want them to know that I think that there is something creepy about this guy.

CustardDoughnutsRule Sat 04-Nov-17 03:01:30

I think we can't judge from the uk because we don't have the same conventions for first names and surnames as you do. What do you call him? What would he call other women your age who are married to his friends / relatives?

You feel uncomfortable around this man. You have every right to trust your instincts and be wary of him. However, how that translates into what he should or shouldn't call you, I have no idea.

AnnaBay Sat 04-Nov-17 03:09:34

You can ask this man to call you what you like but whether he will or not is another thing. Especially if other family members are calling you by your first name or nickname in front of him.
Is there a close and trusted relative you can confide in about how this bloke makes you feel?

Snafu1988 Sat 04-Nov-17 03:10:44

Kuniloofdooksa: Excactly this. It somehow feels creepy... but he has not done anything. He has the best reputation, treats me with great politeness... but somehow he just looks at me a weird way... also at other young women...

I call him by his last name.

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