AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

[Snafu1988]

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

I agree StepAway. Had the op said that she was from a high caste Indian family and this is their culture then no one would question it. It’s simply because people are thinking of women wafting around in ball gowns.

All the lords, earls etc in this country have their titles because an ancestor was important in the military of their time.

Lots of European countries still habitually call pretty much everyone by Mr/Mrs Surname.

Most people under 60 realise this is on its way out

punch him in the face next time he does it or knee him in the bollocks

thats how us plebs usually manage such outrageous behaviours.

I have no idea how on earth you cope with someone you have known since a teenager calling you by your first name. #metoo

Fucking hell, this thread is depressing. A woman raises her concerns about a guy she finds creepy and OTHER WOMEN, minimise it, make fun of it, and ignore the point to jump on different cultures and languages.

OP it's time to stop being so passive. I get that you were raised to be polite, many of us were, when when a man doesn't return that politeness, you no longer owe it to him. He's a creep who thinks he has a right to treat you how he wants, never ever be alone with him.

I would leave the name thing and act like it doesn't bother you because I don't think he will ever do as you've asked and he probably enjoys the idea that it annoys you. You could publicly confront him about that, but it sounds as though you may struggle with that. I'd also however start calling him by his first name, see how he reacts.

With the hand kissing though, just refuse, if he tries to insist tell him to behave like a gentleman and respect your wishes. You must speak up for yourself. If it continues you should tell your husband as well.

Which country are you from? This sounds bizarre to me. Most people’s ancestors served in the military in wwi or wwii including my grandfather. Dh is French. No one I know, whose ancestors served in the war would be considered gentry. And does that make my dh gentry because he did his military service?? Tongue in cheek obvs as he refused to take the rank of officer despite being allowed it.

Every day we're expected to put up with/keep silent about the shit men do that makes us uncomfortable

This thread is about someone insisting that an acquaintance doesn’t address her by her actual name, as she’s too fucking posh.

If this is “the shit that men do that makes us uncomfortable”, I’d say we’re doing pretty well. I’ll save my outpouring of concern for women facing real shit that men do, thanks.

What actual nationality are you? Where were you born. You say you're not Austrian but like a pp said why are you adopting the social mores of a country your not connected to either by birth or abode? Deal with the creepy guy but the name addressing business makes you sound prentitious. In the U.K. unless it's your specific culture this isn't done

YANBU. You have boundaries and other people should respect them. I dont see how people can be so snotty about women wanting to use a preferred title such as Ms, and at the same time support preferred pronouns.
If you need to 'get over yourself' so does everyone else.

@Shellyboobs has nailed it for me.

Sorry, I meant @ShellyBoobs

Are you in Germany? I have clients in Germany (none of them gentry as far as I know!) and they all giggle when they call each other by their first names. I get the feeling they only do this in meetings with English people because calling each other Mr or Mrs is so alien to us.

Apparently, a lady's hand should only be kissed if she offers it to a man first. Don't offer your hand? Or does he just grab it anyway? If he takes your hand about to take it, take it back. Simple

@ShelleyBoobs

She isn't saying it's because she is too posh, that's a chip you seem to have. She's saying it makes her uncomfortable. Isn't that enough? It's a shame you feel that women shouldn't have autonomy over what someone calls them. And as someone who has experienced CSA and just as a human being with empathy I'm concerned about everything women put up with that makes them uncomfortable, from an unwanted kiss on the hand to serious sexual assault.

Well I think you should all apply to go on the Jeremy Kyle show

I'll get the lager and popcorn Champagne and canapés in.

I suppose it could be worse - he could be doing the French thing or one kiss, two kisses, three kisses.... How does one get out of that? I would find that a total invasion of space, and would struggle if that was the 'usual' greeting in UK.

Debretts has nothing on the subject of hand kissing by the way!

I can't believe OP has been trying to make us feel like the gentry are oppressed

If she's not comfortable with him then don't interact with him. He sounds like a weirdo insisting on a hand kiss but she also sounds like a weirdo by insisting that he goes back to formal titles after knowing each other in an informal context for many years.

Ok, so you are being made to feel uncomfortable by someone.
You feel obliged not to make a fuss because of cultural obligations and expectations. You seem to actively embrace this culture. It is explained as ‘European gentry’ defined as a family background in the military.
From the little you have said - it’s fairly obvious your upbringing is from a former Soviet controlled Eastern European country where your family have desperately tried to hold on to their position and privileges during a time when ‘the gentry’ were , without doubt oppressed. I am thinking Hungry, Russia, Bulgaria etc. So you have all of the Social graces preserved but not the loot/property lands you once had. - In our culture this is known as ‘fur coat, no knickers’
Your military ‘gentry’ family would also be fairly far back Historically as the pheasants have been in charge for 70 yrs until late 1980s.

Time to let it go. Life is not a Pasternak novel. You are not an extra from Dr Zhavargo. It’s the 21st Centrury, (I presume) you live in the UK. Unhook your corset and tell this man that his familiarity is not welcome. Keep your hand to yourself , if he grabs it slap him with it. Most importantly let his creepiness be known. The only way people like this operate is by a conspiracy of silence amongst victims embarrassed by societal expectations and so called ‘culture’.

In some parts of the ME you often call people by their surname - just the surname so it can get pretty confusing. But a younger person/child would never be called this and just by their first name. It would be very disrespectful for a younger person to ask and elder to address them as miss smith or maam.

The op hasn't really given enough details for people to advise. There are 2 points - if she is reasonable to ask someone to call her 'xyz', and hit yo handle a creepy man who seems to be overstepping the mark.

People are advising from their own experiences. Without more details - where is the op, where is she and the man from, what circumstances do they interact, who exactly is he?, is she royalty or if a rank that would generally have very 'official' interaction 'rules' - it's hard to advise fully.

I've not read the whole thread (busy chasing family) so this info may all be in there in posts. I've skipped and seen some sensible comments, some funny, some rude but we still don't seem to have a full picture.

I'm going to ignore all the idiocy about ripping the OPs culture. No you are not being unreasonable, but you're going to need to be very up front to say, please don't call me x call me y. About the hand kissing, he is dismissing your wishes with "I'm old school, allow me that" is basically saying, I will do what I want and you will allow it. This is not right. I've had my hand kissed and it made me uncomfortable. It sounds trivial but it feels very invasive, it's socially unacceptable to pull your hand away, to wipe it or dismiss it. I would approach him with your hands behind your back and then immediately shake his hand. He may try to draw your hand to his lips, withdraw your hand rapidly. To kiss your hand then would be socially unacceptable.
The OP mentioned her culture because it was relevant to why it was ok to use first names. I suspect Hungarian but I'm probably wrong.

You can absolutely stop him kissing your hand. Just stand you for yourself.

On the name thing meh. Sounds tiring being so conscious of it.

ptumbi I turn my head so they get a mouthful of hair. Works every time.

You want some one who has known you since you were 15 albeit not that well “Mrs Smith” yabcu. This is very odd. I’d feel weird the tellers at the bank calling Mrs Mustang I’d never ask a family friend to be so formal.

Just ask him to bow instead

Understand you not wanting your hand kissed.

Think you’re strange if you think you should be addressed as Mrs x or whatever