AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

[Snafu1988]

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

@zzzzz

why would be a problem? confused

because Jews were the victims of a holocaust and anti-semitism still exists today.

Why would you compare a white, privileged class to a minority that underwent persecution?

This is really going to be off topic now, but I think I have to speak up for my people here because you seem to have very little idea about our real lives when you say that I cannot compare some minority religious group to some rich, privileged people. First of all gentry are a minority or is there any country were the majority of the population is gentry.

Second not all gentry folks are rich, some are rich, some are poor, most are somewhere in between. In some countries like Russia gentry folks have been slaughtered and put into death camps and this happened not only to the rich and privileged ones but also to the poor ones. In fact the poor ones died at a greater rate because they did not have the means to flee. In other communist countries they have been deprived of education, made work in mines, their children have been snatched from them in order to be raised by commies. How is that privilege?

Third you typically do not become gentry by being rich. You can be rich all you want, does not make you gentry... unless you used your money to offer a great service to the population like dry a swamp or so... but typically you used to end up gentry by being a brave soldier and being seen while you did something brave. That means that a lot of brave people did not end up gentry because a) nobody saw them while they did something brave or b) they lived in times of peace.

So basically it is just a class of people whose ancestors have been soldiers for a long time.

YABU and so far up your own arse I’m surprised you can see enough to type this fucking nonsense.

How often do you actually see this man? I really don't think you can ask someone who is a family friend to call you Miss/Mrs, no matter how he makes you feel.

With regard to how he makes you feel, and this depends on how often you actually have to spend time with him, can you just be polite but keep your distance and try not to be alone with him. He hasn't actually done anything, and, whilst I don't want to dismiss your instincts, I don't think there is much more you can do. Do you have to see this person? Are there ways that you can just avoid situations he will be there? Or is that not practical?

We have to join the military and do something brave.

I'm too old.

My dh have a word with him? Not sure. He has got PTSD and I am a bit like I want to keep stress away from him.

The point is I am not really from a culture, because my parents are from different cultures and I used to live in different countries and I never know which rules actually do apply... and maybe just maybe the same is the case for him because he do is from different cultures.

Are you all in the UK now?

“Just my two cents” I call BS!

Wouldn’t continental gentry say “just my two euros” or pennies like us non gentrified Europeans?

I think the gentry thing is disingenuous (although I would like to know more). The issue is this man who is making you uncomfortable. Just because of perceived societal mores, you don’t have to accept his behaviour. Perhaps an assertiveness class would help you veer away from being wrongly polite, or however you described it upthread.

Wonderful.

"gentry
ˈdʒɛntri/Submit
noun
people of good social position, specifically the class of people next below the nobility in position and birth.
"a member of the landed gentry"
synonyms: the upper classes, the upper middle class, the privileged classes, the wealthy, the elite, high society, the establishment, the haut monde, the county set, the smart set; bhadralok; informalthe upper crust, the jet set, the beautiful people, the crème de la crème, the top drawer; informalnobs, toffs; informalswells"
......
Millions of Jews who had been confined to diseased and massively overcrowded ghettos were transported (often by train) to death camps, where some were herded into a specific location (often a gas chamber), then killed with either gassing or shooting. Other prisoners simply committed suicide, unable to go on after witnessing the horrors of camp life. Afterward, their bodies were often searched for any valuable or useful materials, such as gold fillings or hair, and their remains were then buried in mass graves or burned. Others were interned in the camps where they were given little food and disease was common.[26]

Sorry, not seeing the comparison between these two, except being vastly different

If you are in the UK then having him call you by anything other than your first name is stupid. Also, don’t give him your hand when he tries to take it. This isn’t an Austrian custom or a UK one, if he complains just tell him firmly you are British now. End of.

Do you live in Schloss Schönbrunn??

This, too: I was just like „please, no“.

Surely continental gentry would say, ”one was just like, “please, no”.

"We are gentry because our ancestors served their country in the military and of course with time a culture came with that which has certain values, obligations and customs and standards of behaviour."

You have just described most people in this country and many others. Grandfathers who fought in World Wars, so by that rule we are all European Gentry. Hurrah.

I wish people would stop taking the piss.

The OP is being made uncomfortable by some creep who insists on kissing her hand after she has said no.

NO MEANS NO.

And our spider senses are there for a reason. Most likely, this man is no good. And even if he is innocent, OP should not have to put up with him kissing her when she has said NO.

I don't care if she's rich, poor, Jewish, Austrian, snobbish or not... no woman should have unwanted advances of any kind from a man.

OP, on the I'm not sure how much we can help. I know you're not Austrian but I have worked there briefly and found it weird being called "Mrs Ellisandra"!
If I knew your culture and social setting well I could advise you on what to say about the names, but I can't.

However, on the kissing.
Stand firm.
Never offer your hand.
Pull it away if he tries to take it.
If he says he's a gentleman, say "I don't like it, and a gentleman wouldn't insist".
Even if it's in front of people.
Fight EVERY battle - never let him kiss you, or touch.

Do not be alone with you.
And tell your husband that this man makes you uncomfortable.

No-one has the right to kiss your hand, and you are right to trust your instincts.

I went to university with someone who was a member of the German gentry. I only know this because someone else told me- apparently there's something in the surname so you can tell, zu, Von?anyway, I do not think it is the norm in social situations where you have known people for many years to use titles.

Initially when you met him it was possibly a faux pas to use a family nickname, but you were a child and it sounds like he knew your family members so presumed. There is no culture where it is not rude to try to 'take back' first name privileges. I think it's pretty clear that by repeatedly telling someone you meet at family gatherings - on both sides of your family- on no, call me Mrs Smith, that at this point you are the one making a cultural faux pas.

I think you should focus on the other ways he seems to be over stepping and take steps to avoid those.

Sorry you are getting such a hard time here op. It’s clear this is your second language and some things you are saying just don’t scan.
I think aristocracy might have been a better word that gentry.

Anyway, is it possible to just avoid seeing this man again? He doesn’t seem to be anyone you actually like or want to have anything to do with so outside of large family events can you not just avoid him.

It sounds like he is trying to put himself in a position of power over you by deliberately using names that you don’t like.

This has jollied up my Saturday morning - very amusing, especially the responses to the European gentry comment.... It's also amusing that the OP's command of English has improved greatly as the thread has worn on, or am I the only one to have noticed?.

Returning to topic, the situation as described by the OP resonated with me, and contrary to many of the responses, I have to say that I really don't think it is very unusual to request more formal address when uncomfortable in company. I lived alone in an apartment a few years ago and an older resident became a bit of a pest towards me. His over familiarity somehow made his use of my Christian name condescending/patronising - like the OP, I'm unable to verbalise my discomfort adequately, but I thought it was perfectly acceptable to say to him "Mr xx, please address me as Miss xx ^.

I hope i'm not up my own backside, but I do generally find it over familiar when my Christian name is used by anybody outside my family/friends/working network, although I accept that it is normal to do so.

About the hand-kissing, Just tell him No in a shouty waving arms stamping feet way. FFS. Stop pussy footing around. You have control over anyone touching your hands. Make it happen. You're not British, you can be VERY DIRECT about this.

You can't stop what comes out of his mouth, though, you don't have control over someone else's speech. You can give him a brief silent death glare when he calls you something you don't like, though. If you can introduce some humour into the situation that would help smooth over how others respond. Let everyone else laugh at your reaction but stand your ground and the guy will recalibrate his behaviour.