AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

[Snafu1988]

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

It’s a very difficult situation - he obviously makes you feel uncomfortable and you think other young woman too. He knows he makes you feel uncomfortable and continues with that behaviour. I don’t really understand how other posters think that’s worthy of a pisstake but I guess they’re not capable of thinking beyond their little world.

milhouse I am also working class gentry.
I don’t think gentry and Jewish can be compared, Jewish is a religion which has a culture. Gentry is a snobby term you have given yourselves. See? It’s totally different.

I don't understand what Gentry is.

Sorry for off topic but gentry is not a snobby term we chose to give ourselves. We are gentry because our ancestors served their country in the military and of course with time a culture came with that which has certain values, obligations and customs and standards of behaviour.

Let’s explain this in other words. Let’s assume your ancestors had been bakers for a long time and may be proud of their craft and their traditions. Would it be okay to call them names, say that this traditions do not exist or must be abolished because they are elitist? That only people who are really snobby call themselves bakers and so on?

I can see where you're coming from, but if he has always called you by your first name then it's going to be incredibly difficult to come back from that, some 20+ years on.

You don't feel comfortable about him, I can see that - but you can't suddenly insist he calls you Mrs. Bloggs now. In some cultures, he'd be as good as an "Uncle" and uncles don't call their juniors by their surnames, in general.

It does all seem a bit 18th Century as well!
But your problem is less the culture or the time period, and more the longevity of him using your first name.

Talk to your husband about it, explain that you are not comfortable with the man. And maybe say to the man himself that you don't like being called by your short name, only by your full name.

Shame you're not Russian - you could insist on him using your patronymic as well.

To be fair to the OP she only mentioned the specific cultural context when asked!
Gentry is an odd word in an English context, but that’s not what we are talking about

You are asking about cultural norms to a group who are not from that culture, so it makes no sense. If this is about the practices of the Austrian nobility a parenting board populated primarily by uk parents is probably not the best place.

Fwiw, I spent a few years in my 20s living on the Continent and moving in Euro trash circles (e.g. Attending ambassadors' receptions and that sort of thing) and never came across surnames used in social context. There was some handkissing but only by sleazeballs trying it on.

Sorry, got your age wrong, I thought you'd typed 5 when you first met him, not 15. Oops!
Still probably 10 or so years that he has been calling you by your nickname though.

If he should have called you "Miss Bloggs" when he first met you, then why on earth didn't he? Presumably he knows the etiquette? What did your parents say?

I call him by his last name. I already told him him kissing my hand made me feel uncomfortable and he was just like „oh, you must allow me that. Oh, you look gorgeous today“. I also told me I was married and wanted to be called by my husbands name and he said „Yes, of course, of course“, but the next time he called me by my nickname again.

How bad would it be if you ignored him when he called you by your nickname? I mean , refuse to acknowledge him until he calls you Mrs Snafu?

Yeah, I was going to ask whether you were from Germany or Austria. I've spent some time living there and there's much more expectation of formal titles when you're speaking to anyone except your intimates. Even a 15 year old would often be called Fraulein Schmidt or whatever. And I do think it's a bit off of people to act like it's big joke when it's pretty obvious OP is from a different culture.

So if I had said „I am Jewish and in our culture X is common“ would you also have started to make fun of it? =

You're seriously comparing a bunch of rich, priviliged aristos to a minority religious group?

This thread is very irritating and questionable. Tell him to call you Mrs Gentry amd not to kiss your hand.

I think the "you look gorgeous" thing is more to the point. Can you not just avoid his company? Get your DH to find an opportunity to make it clear he knows what's going on? Sexual harassment tends to thrive on the illusion it's only known about between the two of you

On the hand kissing can't you keep them behind your back then and just do a little bow of recognition when you meet? I have been in countries on business where men do not touch women and that kind of greeting worked well.

I hate the first name thing so I use one of my first names no one uses for all contracts and accounts so when Netflix say Dear Mary instead of Dear Jane at least I feel I have foiled them in their over familiarity when they ought to be using Dear Mrs Smith - the rotters.

None of us is Austrian. We just met in Austria because a relative of mine married an Austrian and in Austria people typically call one another by their last name unless they know each other very well. At least the ones I know and according to etiquette rules it is always the women who must offer the man to call her by her first name.

I do not think the last name thing is a gentry thing. I just mentioned gentry because someone said handkissing sounded like from an Austen novel. So I had to explain. No, basically there are people who still do it.

I thought about asking that question at an etiquette board but than did not do it because I think it is more a creepy guy problem than an etiquette problem.

What is happening here?
OP you're asking in the wrong place imo - few of us, if any, are European gentry and we haven't got a clue about your alleged customs and etiquette. We all go by our first names and haven't got a problem with it. Ask people who know what the heck you're talking about or just accept being called your first name.

D9 you make your female friends call you 'Mrs x' too?

I am continental European gentry

I feel an out break of hey nonny nonny coming on

So let me get this right.

He says "Hello Jennie/Jennifer"
And you say "Call me Miss Maiden Name (because there are too many Mrs Married names in DHs family)"

A bit difficult to adjudication on an un named European culture and what their formal terms of address are. Unfortunately applying British standards to your dilemma, you sound pretentious.

Shouldn't your husband be the one to have a word with him?