AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

[Snafu1988]

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

Sorry, a few x posts there! He sounds like a creep but how you should handle it in that context I've no idea.

"continental European gentry"

The thread's getting better.

A word of explanation about the hand kissing. Both me and him have family from different countries and in one of this countries where he spend a big part of his life and I spend a very small part of my life this is seen as the thing to do.

Kissing a woman‘s hand is actually not unusual among Gentry folks if they are old school.

Now... again this may sound odd but you asked for culture. My mother is from a different culture than my father and the same is the case for this guy and I have met him in different countries. Actually my family is a bit international.
So I have no idea which cultural rules apply for the relationship between us.

He calls all the young ladies by their first names but I think they often do not like it.

Op, you said you first met him when you were 15? It would be strange for him to address you so formally at this point, wouldn’t it?

Regarding the hand-kissing, do you extend your hand to greet him or does he grab it?

I would just not extend my hand. You are under no obligation to “allow” that, no matter what he says.

What is however odd and most unusual is kissing a woman’s hand if the woman does not want this to happen

thats not unusual op thats him being a jerk. Tell him where to go.

I am continental European gentry

YANBU to not want him kissing your hand. I'd be nipping that in the bud ASAP.

As for the address me as "Mrs X", that just isn't done here, if you're in the UK.

Without knowing what the cultural norms are other than you being gentry from Europe it's hard to say if he is behaving unusually. But, if everyone else calls you by your first name and he calls everyone else by there's it's a bit unreasonable to expect him to call you Mrs Snafu. Singles him out a bit and that's quite mean.
If he makes you uncomfortable that's about more than your name can you deal with that instead? Avoiding him, telling him he is making you uncomfortable, telling your husband/freind maybe so they can have a word or help you avoid him if that's easier?

Hello- I'm a film extra - is this the way to the League of Gentlemen set, please? I think I'm down to play an unwashed serf outside the castle

I am Continental European gentry May be my most favourite thing anyone has ever said on this board.

You go, girl! Sorry. You go, m’lady!

Very amusing thread op. Good luck with the hand kissing person.

You don’t like him. So why would you care if you openly rejected his somehow polite but creepy advances? Tell your husband how you feel. Discuss him with the young women in your acquaintance and woman up.

YABU to expect him to call you by your
Mrs DHName. That's ridiculous, in this culture anyway.

If you don't want him to kiss your hand, then snatch your hand away and say you don't like it.

@at all of those who think being gentry is something to make fun of. I think that this is just rude I just mentioned it because I wanted to explain why he kissed my hand, which is not that unusual in „gentry culture“.
There are a lot of gentry folks in Europe, depending on the country between one and ten percent of all people living there... and it is not like they all live in castles and have a butler. Most of them do not and live very normal lifes... apart from the fact that some of them kiss hands more often than other people.

So if I had said „I am Jewish and in our culture X is common“ would you also have started to make fun of it? Or if I had said I was working class and in my culture x was common would it be so funny? If I mention I am gentry it is often like a) people do not believe it or b) they make fun of it.

I think we do deserve the same respect than everybody else deserves, but unfortunately there are some people who seem to think we do not have feelings like other people do, like we are somehow less human.

Could you please stop for a moment and think how it made you feel if people did that with your culture? If you mention something not that uncommon in your culture and people start joking about how it is straight out of a Jane Austen novel and then you say „Oh, but X is not uncommon in Welsh or Scotch culture“ and people start making fun of Welsh or Scotch culture.

Sorry, just my two cents... because this has been annoying me forever when people do thinks like this and has happened to me so often that I thought next time somebody does it I say something.

Please tell me how I can become a part of European Gentry. It sound fab.

It is Scottish, not Scotch. Scotch is the word for eg "Scotch eggs" and is inappropriate in the context used in your sentence.

Thanks for all the thoughtful answers.
First time I met him was actually in Austria where people typically call people by their last name unless they are close friends. There is an unwritten rule (in Austrian culture) that the woman must offer the man that he might call her by her first name not the other way around... but then on the other hand I was still very young and he is friends with a relative of mine.

Personally most people I know call me by my nickname but I do not like him to do that. So, yes, it would be one rule for him another rule for everybody else.

Unfortunately I cannot really avoid him that would be rude I guess. If my husbands family invite him and they invite me I cannot say I am coming because he will be there.

I was raised to be „polite the wrong way“ by which I mean I am not sure if I am really good at standing up for myself, like stopping someone from kissing my hand.

Scotch??

A Scottish, not Scotch. I see. Thanks for pointing that out.

Ursula: it is really off topic, but there historical there have been several ways to become part of the gentry. The most common was military service. See, we are people like you.

I can’t work out if I’m just really hungover or if this thread genuinely doesn’t make any sense.

Also, the word ‘gentry’ looks all weird now, it’s been said too many times. Gentry gentry gentry.

I think a lot of women are raised to be "polite the wrong way".

You have two options. One is outright bluntness - tell him you find him calling you by your first name creepy and that you will not respond at all to your first name. And then correct him each time he uses your first name.

The second is to be icy and ignore him as much as possible. And try hard to not let him get under your skin.

Is Gentry really the word? In the UK, that would mean you had a title, eg "Lord ....". And even members of the aristocracy would call family friends by their first names...

He is making you feel uncomfortable and he knows it. Dont give him your hand. Hold hands with your husband. Brief your dh beforehand thst you do not wish to be left alone with this man. Repeat my name is x. Do it loydly in front of other. He is relying on your silence to continue his behaviour.

I thought it may be'Begum'...
Begum is a Muslim honorific title for, or means of addressing, a respectable lady. It did not originally develop as a surname, but over time has been adopted as a last name by many unmarried women, especially in Bangladesh and Pakistan.

The term is also used in India, Pakistan and Bangladesh by Muslim men to refer to their own wives or as an honorific address to a married or widowed woman.

I'm part of the working class gentry, but we do not have European Gentry rules. I.e, if a fella went to kiss my hand and I didn't want him to, I could address him by saying "would you kindly fuck off sir"

When you know you are going to meet him, prepare some strategies.

Channel lady Grantham off downtown abbey to get that icy, cutting, 'take no liberties' demeanour.

When he greets you, nod politely then step back sharply and turn away.

If he calls you your informal name, don’t respond.

Etc.

Have you considered whipping out a bottle of hand sanitizer and a baby wipe and dramatically scrubbing your hand off after he kisses it?