AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

[Snafu1988]

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

Gentry doesn't sound like an unreasonable term for professional senior military families of long standing. It's old fashioned in the UK but I can quite imagine it being appropriate in other countries.

Landed gentry and aristocracy would be different again

@snafu I know nothing about German or Austrian forms of address but it seems like it may be too late to change how he addresses you only how you react.

The hand kissing - don't offer your hand, if he tries to take it then hold it back, if he tries to kiss it tell him that you dislike having your hand kissed and if he insists then pull your hand away and walk away. He is being very rude and you can reasonably defend yourself from his rudeness

You say up thread that you are likely to see more of him in the near future. Just don't - you don't have to socialise with people you don't like. Only see him in large groups with your husband present. Avoid him and if anyone asks why tell them the truth - you don't like that he is so pushy with social intimacy and it makes you uncomfortable

try to enlist the support of your generation at social events - if he's making other women uncomfortable or others have noticed that he's creepy then try a buddy system at social events. It's much easier to stand firm when you're not on your own

I thought the prussian officer class didn't really survive post ww1

He sounds a bit eccentric but you sound a bit odd op You can't make someone call you eg Mrs Smith when he's been using other names for years

How about simply correcting him each time he says your name? As in Him- 'Jen' You-'Mrs smith' just as you would correct anyone who used the wrong name/word. It's understated, firm and consistent without being aggressive or making it a game for him. You should trust your instincts but need support. If you feel uncomfortable your husband could help by being closer to you when he's around. Also talking to other women youve noticed feeling uncomfortable so you all stay safe. Being silent makes you all vulnerable. I'd also avoid contact while he kisses your hand - it's very discouraging as less intimate. Good luck

OP - this is a ridiculously first world problem and you are incredibly naive thinking that this is a good place to resolve your "issue". I'm Arab, if I had a cultural dilemma I'd ask other Arabs, not a group of strangers who don't understand the cultural norms. However, if you don't like this guy, avoid him.......and don't offer him your hand ffs!!

That should have read 'eye' contact

Oh this really made me laugh

The name I think you have to let go, as you cannot force someone to change a name they’ve called you for so many years, without looking a little odd, or rude yourself.

The hand kissing you absolutely can refuse as he’s grabbing a part of your body to put his mouth on, which is really instrusive! Hand behind your back when introductions start. And keeping your arm physically away if he tried to actually grab and pull your hand.

Saying some of any of the following:

‘no, as I’ve told you before, I do not want you to kiss my hand. No, I do not have to let you. Stop it now. I’ve asked you not to x times now. A gentleman would not force himself on a lady’ etc etc

It does read like a Victorian problem in the UK!

However - I think this man thinks that because he's known you for years (since a child) and he is older, that he has the right to call you by the nickname, and to address you as 'du'.

Also - much of mainland Europe is still stuck in the 1950s with regard to manners, treatment of women, and equality. It will be very hard for Op to assert herself in the face of (perceived) rudeness. Manners account for a lot, and if she is rude back, it will reflect more on her than him (who started it) because he is a man,and older, and etc etc etc.

Not offering the hand, clenching it, withdrawing it - all not going to happen. I suggested evening/day gloves, but even that will n ot stop a hand-kisser.

Not sure what OP could reasonably do, without the support of her DH, attitudes, and women in general.

Ive not read all of this thread. But, the problem here is that you think he’s creepy and he makes you uncomfortable. Isn’t it? Would he be less creepy if he called you Mrs Smith or whatever? I can’t see it. You need to avoid him, like people do if they don’t like someone. I think the name thing is a bit of a diversion isn’t it?

Just strange is all I have to say and why would you want to be called by your surname?

Don't invite him round. Simple.

You think that he's pervy. Too familiar and you are uncomfortable around him. He's a "funny uncle" as they called them in the old days. Now it's a predator, (i know that there are less harsh words).

You are right to follow your gut instincts. He is wrong to call you something that you specifically told him not to.

Next time look him directly in the eyes and say, "my name is Snafu. Please call me snafu or i shall call you porkpie." Smile graciously and walk away. Usually people who are trying to hurt or harass you do not like themselves to be treated the same way. Maybe that's how they choose their untowardly behavior?

You are trying to establish boundaries and he is deliberately ignoring them. Idk if he enjoys your uncomfortable reaction or what, but he's pushing you.

I have, on occasion, if flirted with, reached over, put my arm around my dh's waist, snuggled up and smiled. "Oh, dh. Porkpie was just telling me the funniest story." As my dh is quite large and often scowly, not many people bother me again.

He needs to stop. You have the right idea, kinda, but i don't think Mrs. Snafu, is going to work. He's trying to get under your skin it's power that he's seeking.

Or, as i taught my dc, laugh at him, mock him by asking if he's hard of hearing or just old? Do not let him see it bothers you, and if all else fails, "accidentally" trip with something in your hand that spills (at least on his shoes). Sneaky buttheads hate you taking back control; he will know that you didn't really trip. Make sure that you apologize with words and give him a direct look. You may feel foolish, but everyone has accidents, my dd is excellent at knocking over wine glasses.

Thanks for so many thoughtful answer. I will have a lot to think about now.

I have to admit that when I started this thread I had no idea that Great Britain was so different when it comes to the use of first names or I would not have asked here. I am very happy that so many of you gave so helpful answers anyway.
I really did not say it did not want him to use my first name because I am too posh. Use of first name has nothing to do with social class where I live. Handkissing has, that‘s why I mentioned.

Most people I know call me by my nickname. I have no problem with that. However because he is a funny uncle I feel that this is too intimate. Our first name or nick name is intimate for us, being called by our first name is a bit like being hugged or kissed. So I want to decide who uses my first name or nick name.

Yes, I think „funny uncle“ is the word I was searching for. Well, he is not actually my uncle but you get my meaning.

You can never be sure if he is just being old school and does not realize it is not appreciated or if he is being creepy... and as ptumbi said I cannot be rude to him or it will reflect on me.
It is also the way he makes compliments about young women‘s looks and a lot of things like this.

I am actually not good in showing him borders. I am too polite. He makes a creepy compliment. I say „No, please don‘t say that“, he says he had to notice.

I think I will ask for this thread to be deleted... not because of what anybody on this thread said but because I think me confusing the word gentry makes it possible to identify me.
Unfortunately I confused it before in other contexts before and while I was confused by a reaction it never appeared to me I might be using the word wrong. Actually I thought the one I was talking to had no idea what it meant.

I wrote about my husbands PTSD on this boards and while I know that the chance that anybody will find me is very slim (because they are not on mumsnet) I am really paranoid and do not want to take the risk.

I will however start a new thread in order to discuss how to show a „funny uncle“ his borders.

We are gentry because our ancestors served their country in the military and of course with time a culture came with that which has certain values, obligations and customs and standards of behaviour

Yep we call it being a Forces Brat (affectionately of course)

So, I See. You know it... and in this case... in past times kissing a persons hand was something that was done in the military. Actually dates back to the Middle Ages when soldiers would kiss the signet ring of an a person who outranked them to show their loyalty and because of that they took it to civvy street and it became common for our kind to kiss hand instead of shake hands... that‘s what I heard of how that started... but that’s a thing of the past... it is very old school and to me it feels creepy.

With the best will in the world, this man is a family friend of long standing, he has known you wince you were 15, you are going to look silly insisting on him calling you Mrs X!

However, I will address the fact the he maces you feel uncomfortable and advise you to continue always make sure you are with other when with him. I do not think your instincts are wrong. Just that they do not have any foundation that anyone else would believe.

So, in summary, let him call you what he likes, making no fuss about that give you more power if he ever tries to do what he likes! You will not have been seen to be 'making things up', or 'making a fuss' before.

Lots of luck OP, I hope you manage to put up some barriers whilst maintaining politeness.

One ‘helpful hint’ (!), if you’re worried about your language making you identifiable, try to use ‘boundaries’ rather than ‘borders’ in your next thread. Boundaries is the usual vocabulary although borders is comprehensible... just a matter of blending into the crowd whilst you’re here!

And lastly, your thread reminds me of one of my courses at university ‘Eighteenth century politeness and culture’ :) It was fascinating how Politeness ruled all social interactions, and was very complicated and codified. One example that stuck in my head is the double bind a young lady might find herself in if she accidentally was in the audience when a play became slightly too ribald to be acceptable fare for her. She would be judged harshly if she didn’t react to a sexual innuendo or a little bit too naughty joke, as her non- response could be interpreted as her being so used to these things that she was too ‘bold’ to be pure. However if she did react, with confusion, embarrassment, horror or even blushing her honour would be ruined as she’d be thought too worldly to be properly innocent as she’d understood the innuendo/ joke! So, damned whatever she did.

Strikes me you’re in a somewhat similiar position, not of your own making, but needing to enforce boundaries but unable to enforce boundaries!

I created a thread called „What to do if you meet an funny uncle“. I would like to ask you to post any answers to this thread there please because I will ask for this thread to be closed down as it is identifying.

This makrs no sense at all.

Plus being long standing in the military doesn't make you gentry.

Be careful with telling those in your circle about the discomfort you feel re: this person. Choose your words carefully and diplomatically. As you stated he has done nothing overtly sexual or hostile towards you. How do other people in your circle feel about this person? Also, you can ask to be called by your last name if you wish whether you're in England or Mars. Don't let ANYONE tell you something regarding yourself "isn't done here". That's just stupid. Think for yourself. Now, that being said, when you request to be called by your last name, do it in front of the others in your circle. When,or if you are questioned about why you made that request you can use it as an opportunity to address your issues regarding your feelings (because that's all they are) about this person.

Flipping hell OP. I read he first 2 pages and I want to say please don't ever come to my part of the country. You'll be addressed as love, spadge and cock and I don't think you'll ever recover from the shock of it all.

😂 @Sunkist12