AIBU to not want to be called by my nick name by a man

[Snafu1988]

There is this guy I have known for quite a while but we have never been close. He is a friend of a relative and also friends with relatives of my husband. I already have known him before I was married, first met him when I was 15.
He called him by my first name and or nickname then I already I did not like it but only told him mich later when we met again, when I basically told him I was 19 (back then) and thought he should call me by family name. He called me by my last name then.
Years later we met again and he called me by my first name or nickname (and sometimes also last name)
Years later we met again and he calls me by my first name and nick name and the last name I used to have before we married. Now I asked him to call him by my real last name.

He basically told me he was good friends with the X family (my husbands family) and that they all have the same last name. Calling me by that name would make no sense, because he calls nobody from the X family by his last name as there are so many of them. My husband is from a real big family.

To make it short: I am not happy with this, it feels too intimate. I am not even sure why I am so much opposed to the idea but there is something about our relationship that just makes me feel like I do not want to be called by my first name by him. Cannot really put it into words. AIBU?

Well you learn a new thing every day. I had no idea that European swamp drying was even a thing. Keep going, op. Oh and just grow a spine on the hand kissing / name thing.

Is this really a thing? I've met all sorts and nobody's ever kissed my hand. I feel snubbed!

I would tell a family member immediately, in my case DH and they would make sure I was not alone with this man.

European swamp drying

I think I missed that bit!!

OP i am so sorry about the idiots in here giving you a hard time.your post needed cultural context so you have it. Now people are being rude to you.

I have a very different cultural mix to you but still a complex one and I fully understand what you mean about 'polite in the wrong way'.

I have had older man miss my hand and I fucking hate it. Thankfully they aren't people who I had to see often. I think the name thing is an indication of how unhappy you are with the rest of his behaviour rather than an isolated issue.

as some others have said you have to have some sentences ready.

' My name is Mrs xxx' very single time he calls you anything else.

'No, i dont let people miss my hand'

If he makes a fuss about you having to let him practice saying. 'No I don't, no women has to let unwanted things happen to her body'

How are you family about it?

Wow, there are some ignorant people on this thread!

Off topic but many European Jews were also traditionally well connected and successful - that's partly why it was seen as acceptable for the working class people to persecute them. Seems like the same thing is starting to happen on this thread.

Get together with other young women who feel uncomfortable and gang up on him.

Sounds likw a bit of a power play. You ant insist he calls you your surname it's not reasonable but you can refuse him kissing your hand with a 'no thank you I insist' and you can be cool with him- have no interaction. Be civil but cold.

He's as confused as the rest of us.

OP - I live in germany and I have noticed that even in supermarkets, the namebadges address the staff as Herr/Frau lastname. It seems very formal to me, when in UK everyone has eg 'jennifer' on their badge. So I understand (a bit) that you wish the more formal address to be used. If you are in UK though, you may be pissing into the wind.

However I get that you don't want any bodily contact with this man (any man?) so a step back, hands in pockets, turn away? Wear gloves a la Queen?

BTW - my father and grandfather both 'served their country with distinction' - that makes me gentry???

You do not have to be the passive slave of outdated convention.

This is the 21st century and everyone has the right to choose not to be kissed by someone who they don't wish to be kissed by.

Nobody should respond, when told that someone does not want to be kissed "but you must allow this, because it is me requiring it" - that is a total lack of respect for bodily autonomy which is just not acceptable any more. Yes it was acceptable 200 years ago but it has to change now and you are just as responsible as anyone else for playing your part in changing it.

You want to avoid confrontation by making this about names - it is not about names.

You feel he is creepy but don't want to say anything about it to anyone who knows him. This is exactly what happened with the likes of Jimmy Saville apparently - when all the revelations came out, loads of people said "I always thought he was creepy" - how many young people would have been saved from what he did to them if those who thought he was creepy actually acted on that instinct?

I agree that this is the wrong place to find the answers you are looking for as we don't know enough about the background.

I do know from the social history of the changes to our own culture in the UK that women didn't start getting more respect and rights by quietly accepting their lot and wishing it was different. They got angry, they demanded respect and they demanded change. Our fight is not over yet and it sounds like it hasn't really started yet in the culture to which you are referring. It will not change without action.

kuniloofdooksa - derailing slightly, but people did raise questions about JS. Many many people, and not just questions but complaints, police statements, the lot.

They were ignored because he was famous and raised money for charity. And they were mostly children.

Sorry about the people giving you a hard time here, OP. I don't think many of them have experience of other cultures. I live in a culture where people call you by your first name and middle name together (and they always find out!), I hate it, but there's not much I can do.

You don't need to engage with him, whatever culture he's from. If you don't feel comfortable you should say something, men rely on women's silence in this respect.

Sorry about the people giving you a hard time here, OP. I don't think many of them have experience of other cultures. I live in a culture where people call you by your first name and middle name together (and they always find out these middle names somehow!), I hate it, but there's not much I can do.

You don't need to engage with him, whatever culture he's from. If you don't feel comfortable you should say something, men rely on women's silence in this respect.

This thread has it all, one person even said 'spider senses'. If I wasn't hungover from last night this thread had made me hungover.

OP just avoid this man. End of. If you dont see him he can't kiss your hand/call you by whatever name you want/whatever else that upsets you. Why do you keep seeing him?

I know this may sound odd to you but I am continental European gentry

Oh, get over yourself!! How ridiculous.

"So basically it is just a class of people whose ancestors have been soldiers for a long time."

Huzzah, I'm gentry too!! We've got squaddies coming out of our arses in this family all the way back to ye olden times. Medals too, we are well brave and obvious about it.

Just call me MRS Fuckoffee

It sounds like creepy guy likes making you feel uncomfortable. Avoid him, blank him and if he does act inappropriately loudly point it out to him and anyone in the vicinity.

"This, too: I was just like „please, no“.

Surely continental gentry would say, ”one was just like, “please, no”."

People on MN can be total dicks. This is a real person you're talking to. Maybe she hasn't expressed herself brilliantly but she's asking for help. Every day we're expected to put up with/keep silent about the shit men do that makes us uncomfortable. By belittling the OP you are contributing to that culture. Enough.

Yes we are all ignorant because OP's posts make no sense. After telling us how formal Austrian culture is she then tells us,

'None of us is Austrian. We just met in Austria because a relative of mine married an Austrian and in Austria people typically call one another by their last name unless they know each other very well. At least the ones I know and according to etiquette rules it is always the women who must offer the man to call her by her first name.' So is it normal for people simply attending a wedding in a country to suddenly adopt all the social mores of that country - given the trend for marrying abroad, that could be interesting! Also, OP wasn't a woman at the time; she was a girl. If OP' s culture is so formal, then it would be a social faux pas for him to address her by her first name, but it doesn't seem that it is! If this is genuine, then it is a problem with a rather sleazy man; if he has called her by her first name for years and no-one has recoiled in horror, then asking for more formal address would look ridiculous. However, it would be best to avoid him as far as possible, and definitely not allow any hand kissing.

I just think none of us know what 'Continental European gentry' is and the OP hasn't done a sterling job of explaining it. For native English speakers it sounds like 'I am one of the privileged few who waft around putting on airs and graces'. Better just to say 'In my culture...'.

It's highly irrelevant what social class you come from anyway - if someone's behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable, you ask them to stop, and they should stop. The kissing in particular comes under this. It does sound like you are making a mountain out of a molehill with regards to the first name/second name. But that's because in the UK calling anyone Mr or Mrs x, rather than their first name, went out with the ark.

Are you german by any chance?