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AIBU to not want to give cash birthday / Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews.

(177 Posts)
needtomovesomewherewarmer Sat 04-Nov-17 00:11:58

Had a request from SIL that could we please give her children cash for Christmas and birthdays as ‘they already have everything’ and often they miss out on gifts when they don’t fit/are duplicated (and i assume don’t like it). They have 4dc and she has cited clutter and space which I get and for the eldest last birthday we got a x6 month magazine subscription and a fatface hoodie. X2 christmas’ ago we got Disney on ice tickets for the family (was a splurge).

I have explained that dh and I feel quite strongly that we don’t want to give money as gifts yet as they are young (9,7,5 and 1) but have offered to do a mix for the 9 year old . I also suggested the children give us ideas of what they do want, that we check sizes or that we get experience type gifts (like zoo voucher etc).

SIL isn’t happy about this at all. Said she’s happy for us to give presents at Christmas but that her dc really want money and has made me feel extremely uncomfortable about it all.

I’m annoyed as to me a gift not something that should be expected. But I wonder if I’ve lost sense of perspective and I’m too stuck in old school ways???

CherryChasingDotMuncher Sat 04-Nov-17 00:15:17

It’s weird as I’m happy to give money for weddings and christenings, but money for Christmas (unless it’s your own children) feels a bit crass and impersonal.

What about gift vouchers?

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sat 04-Nov-17 00:17:38

An iou day out maybe? Then you can take them somewhere!! Wouldn't give cash - gifts are a bonus, asking for cash is grabby and dc shouldn't grow up expecting cash off people imo.

DontLetMeBeMisunderstood Sat 04-Nov-17 00:18:09

YANBU - gifts are gifts, you (or your parents) don't get to dictate what they are. I can see why they are asking but if you want to get them a tangible gift then that's entirely up to you. And it's nice to have wrapped parcels under the tree rather than a pile of envelopes.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Sat 04-Nov-17 00:19:16

I was just gonna day what’s wrong with a ticket somewhere again? Then it’s not cluttering anywhere up?

Regardless of whether or not you are BU (and I don’t think you are), it’s a request, not a demand, SIL doesn’t have the right to demand cash.

Appuskidu Sat 04-Nov-17 00:21:12

Your SIL sounds a bit rude!

GreenTulips Sat 04-Nov-17 00:23:33

I loved getting aunts presents, as they were usually something about different and not our 'usual' quality

when my kids were younger May money sent was spent on days out and a treat, rather than stuff, Nita stheu get older they expect the cash to go solely on them for rubbish usually

Can you maybe get those gift certificates where you can win money?

user1472377586 Sat 04-Nov-17 00:23:45

If I were you, I'd ask SIL for each child's bank account details and put money in a savings account for each child.

I understand SIL's point about clutter & there is so much waste associated with Xmas.

If it is savings (i.e. not for the child to squander) then your money is put to good use & is not wasted.

GreenTulips Sat 04-Nov-17 00:24:00

... o remembered Premium bonds

Shadow666 Sat 04-Nov-17 00:24:17

We make an Amazon gift list for MIL. At her request, I might add. I just pick things around the 30 pound mark. Maybe suggest a wish list and your budget?

KeepServingTheDrinks Sat 04-Nov-17 00:26:00

whilst that might be ok for the older kids (although I think at that age most would still prefer a game or something), I think it's really mean on the youngest ones.

Do what you want to do. Especially if you're wanting to build a relationship with the kids. Apologise to SIL and say something like "It was so gorgeous... I couldn't' help myself!" She won't be grateful though!

CakesRUs Sat 04-Nov-17 00:26:01

I love giving presents. I don’t like shopping for them. YANBU.

LadyB49 Sat 04-Nov-17 00:26:02

I think you can choose a gift for less than it would be to give money. As our dgc get older one especially (dgd who Is 9) is into fashion. I keep an eye open and if I see something I check with DIL that it's suitable. Then show it to dgd on line and see if she likes It. All being good, I Buy It and get a gift receipt. Its Kept until Christmas.

All clothes for any of our 6 dgc will have a gift receipt so sizes etc can be sorted if needs be.

needtomovesomewherewarmer Sat 04-Nov-17 00:31:11

To be honest I’ve suggested a few things to manage clutter like the experience gifts etc and she’s been really difficult repeating that they (I assume she means she does really) want money and the last message I got from her was a bit antagonistic and making Out I was being selfish and not doing the right thing for the children. She has made it perfectly clear that money, not gifts of any kind, is what is desired.

If we do go down the money route I think a cheque for their accounts would be best, but I rarely do not want to.

I do like the amazon gift list idea though, but likely to go down like a lead weight.

jobapplicationshock Sat 04-Nov-17 00:31:20

I highly doubt that children aged under 10 would prefer money to an actual present. I know someone who requests money from relatives and then uses it to buy Xmas presents and makes out they are from her. Could your SIL be doing that OP? She is extremely crass to be making this request regardless.

needtomovesomewherewarmer Sat 04-Nov-17 00:35:02

To be fair she has said she is happy for me to give gifts at Christmas, but wants money for birthdays.

Want2bSupermum Sat 04-Nov-17 00:38:06

Are they struggling financially? We have 3DC and honestly the costs are eye watering. You might find she wants the money to pay for some of the cost of Christmas.

QueenArseClangers Sat 04-Nov-17 00:43:57

Yeah, bet her DC aged one is always mithering for cash hmm


SIL sounds rude, bung a tenner each in a card if you fancy.

CocoPuffsinGodMode Sat 04-Nov-17 00:54:08

If this was my SIL it would be because she prefers cash, not because it’s what the children want. I agree with a pp that it seems highly unlikely the younger dc want money instead of a gift to open.

want2b I get what you’re saying about the cost but to be fair she’s not entitled to expect other people to cover that and I’d see that as a bit different from giving Christmas gifts. I’ll admit my view here is coloured by my experience of my own SIL who would see money given as hers to dip into... There’s nothing however stopping Ops SIL from suggesting gifts the dc would like thus saving themselves the cost of buying those for them.

Want2bSupermum Sat 04-Nov-17 01:01:59

Op do you have DC? It sounds like you either have one who is young or none.

My SIL doesn't have DC but she is sick and can't work. We give her money so she can afford to celebrate Christmas. We also give her a gift from the DC. With 4 young DC and the strong request for cash I would be asking if they are ok financially. You might find they are really struggling.

Butterymuffin Sat 04-Nov-17 01:02:42

Say for the eldest three you'll take them for a treat day out shopping, ice cream etc and part of that will be picking their present. In fact try to make that offer in front of the kids. For the 1 yo I would buy nice clothes or clothing shop vouchers. Sorry but people don't get to decide what gifts others give them and she sounds somehow off about it.

ZenNudist Sat 04-Nov-17 01:13:11

Bonkers. If they have so much they dont need anything and she wont agree a suitable gift then no more gifts.

For gods sake dont get into giving money for every Christmas and birthday. Totally joyless transaction.

Shes massively cheeky

OnlyToday Sat 04-Nov-17 01:13:50

I don't see what the problem is with just giving cash. Does it really matter 🤷🏻‍♀️ I couldn't be bothered caring about this type of thing personally. Why do you feel so strongly about it? I like to give gifts too but I wouldn't care enough to get into a spat about it, with everyone digging their heels in, getting 'uncomfortable' and sending stopy texts.
The 1 year old obviously won't care but I know my kids would have welcomed cash or presents from a young age.
What does your DH want to do? It's his family, why don't you leave him to deal with his sister.

Insomnibrat Sat 04-Nov-17 01:39:18

Ooh what a CF!

I'd open children's savings accounts at say, Halifax and deposit there if needs be.

SabineUndine Sat 04-Nov-17 03:14:45

Afraid I would assume that the kids are not going to get the money. So I would buy a small gift of something consumable such as sweets or bubble bath and leave it at that.

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