AIBU to not want to give cash birthday / Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews.

[needtomovesomewherewarmer]

Had a request from SIL that could we please give her children cash for Christmas and birthdays as ‘they already have everything’ and often they miss out on gifts when they don’t fit/are duplicated (and i assume don’t like it). They have 4dc and she has cited clutter and space which I get and for the eldest last birthday we got a x6 month magazine subscription and a fatface hoodie. X2 christmas’ ago we got Disney on ice tickets for the family (was a splurge).

I have explained that dh and I feel quite strongly that we don’t want to give money as gifts yet as they are young (9,7,5 and 1) but have offered to do a mix for the 9 year old . I also suggested the children give us ideas of what they do want, that we check sizes or that we get experience type gifts (like zoo voucher etc).

SIL isn’t happy about this at all. Said she’s happy for us to give presents at Christmas but that her dc really want money and has made me feel extremely uncomfortable about it all.

I’m annoyed as to me a gift not something that should be expected. But I wonder if I’ve lost sense of perspective and I’m too stuck in old school ways???

She sounds like a cheeky fuck. Get them Amazon vouchers or vouchers for Toys R Us so she can't pocket the cash! Or buy them books or clothes. My nieces and nephews are geting 1 -2 gifts each as we can't afford loads this year. Buying younger ones a game, like Connect 4 or Kerplunk and a book and/or some clothes. Older ones want sports clothing.

We got gifted money which were kept in our own individual bank account by our parents untouched until we were 16. That's when the money train stops. I think my youngest sister got the biggest pot 5k.

her dc really want money including the 1 year old baby? yeah rite

Give a card and write X amount has been given to X Charity as a donation in your name.... Or ask the kids what charity they would like to give to?

Can't guarantee the kids will like it! But solves the clutter problem and you don't have to give them any money.

I know where she’s coming from, I would love to say to family please just give our child £5 in cash for Christmas (or transferred into their account which we can’t touch) as they are 18 months old don’t need anything and don’t understand presents or to be honest appreciate the thought and effort that went into buying it.

£5 would be well within my families means and £50 will serve much better in the long run
But I know they want to enjoy buying the presents so I don’t say anything

The problem with am experience (although it's a nice option) is that it often then costs a lot more to do it, transport to the venue, possibly a meal out etc (for 6 people!)

I agree it's possible they are struggling financially. Maybe she's a CF, but maybe she's thinking if they had cash it could pay for the council tax, or slightly less desperately clubs or their next pairs of shoes.

We have 3 and plenty of toys/clothes already. If I was being purely practical I'd appreciate Clarks vouchers, an offer to pay their swimming lessons for a month, magazine subscriptions, books, cheques towards their savings, an offer to take the DC fully out for a trip (eg, you take them to the cinema one day. Not vouchers for the cinema)

However, I'd also be grateful for whatever you choose to give. I hope you can think of some kind of compromise.

Ok - the older ones - lets assume you give each of them a eg a ticket to the zoo, a ticket to Disney on ice, a hot air balloon trip - it always means bank of M&D have to fork out for extra tickets to accompany them etc. Those sorts of tickets can be cumbersome especially if you have to factor in petrol/travel expenses. the 4yo can hardly take its self off for a an experience/trip - M&D have to juggle their weekend etc to facilitate it.

IMO those sorts of present are cop outs - unless you are buying them with the express intent of borrowing said child and having the experience/trip yourself

depends.
do they live in a big house? i think 4 kids under 10 and the scope for duplication is huge, not to mention the sheer space it all takes up.
go with it, pop cash into their accounts x

No way ! First of all she doesn’t get to dictate. CF !!
Second , there are plenty of options that don’t include ‘clutter’.
Gift vouchers. (Make sure they are child orientated , toys r us - Disney store etc so she can’t use them for herself)
Day out. - but to avoid any ishoos such as pp suggested , make it a day out with Auntie & Uncle Needstomove. Thereby not only any excess cost but time off for parents of 4 to boot. If she complains about that then you know ‘the cash’ is for her not the kids .
. Get your DH to have a word and find out what’s going on.

Do you have a budget?

I do £10 budget for my nephew. This year I got him a toot toot car from TK Maxx for £10. He’s only 1 and that’s what they asked for.

I usually give Dsis the children’s Amazon wishlist.
This year I told them to do 2 for £15 from Argos and I told them what to buy.
They’re buying DD a set of 70 crayola things and DS a basketball net.
It’s what I was planning to buy them anyway, and it will save Dsis £5.

If it was gift vouchers I’d think this was ok, but cold hard cash just wouldn’t sit right with me.

I actually think it’s quite exciting for children to go into a shop and be able to choose something themselves, but it doesn’t have to be cash for this to happen.

To be fair to her she’s offered a compromise- presents on birthdays and money at Christmas.

I have no issue with cash tbh and have done so with my nieces and nephews for years. With them it usually goes towards a big purchase like a bike.

We’ve only 2kids, and they’re young still but I’m already struggling with ideas for them and space

She might be struggling to think up ideas I know I've asked for cash before for this reason

YANBU - and I came on to say you were! Those ages are way too young to give cash or to ask for it to be the bulk of presents. If you give vouchers or book tokens and tickets, surely they can be used in the same way and SIL can have a clear out of stuff to make way for new at a time that suits her or pick a day out that is special.
If they'd been older, with specific tastes/things to save up for, I can see why cash or specific vouchers would be good- but you still wouldn't have to give them.

She has 4 kids and I do understand the clutter aspect and having tons of stuff. By 9, a child will have pretty set views of what they do and don’t want. Buy the two eldest some crap from smiggle. It will satisfy your need to buy and break and be in the bin within 6 months (only joking).

Personally I’d prefer to give something, which will be appreciated rather than more tat, which will be discarded within days. So get some wish lists wherever possible. And the cash for the older ones may be going toward saving for a tablet or other high ticket item so perhaps talk to your sil.

See we will sometimes suggest money or gift cards as presents as we can then take the kids shopping in the sales and they pick their own toys/ clothes etc ( girl aged 9 and boy aged 5). Last year we split their money ( very generous in laws) and some went into their savings and the rest they spent on why they wanted.. no restrictions from us. The other year my sister took my daughter shopping for her birthday.. she loved that...we will send vouchers to friends kids as we never know what they have or are into at the time. So dependant on your sil it may be genuinely for the kids ( eldest more so and I imagine youngest has lots of hand me down toys/clothes). We also get games/ experiences which are greatly recieved. I would maybe get a token gift ( craft stuff/ edible stuff, my kids love having their own sweets rather than shared family ones) and then give a voucher/ cash...

Do you have kids? Does she give you birthday and Christmas presents?

She sounds very entitled. I would stop giving gifts as she doesn't want them, but I wouldn't reward the grasping woman with money.

Your SIL sounds extremely rude, we this year are giving DN's money and a small gift to open purely because they are a bit older and we would like them to be able to choose something they like (and they can get twice as much in the same) but I would never think to text people and dictate what they are to give my DD, especially not money! A gift is a privilege not a right! X

I'm on the fence with this one. I only have two DC, but live in a tiny new build with not a lot of storage. We saved most of DS1 toys so DS2 doesn't need much. I'm already looking around the house in despair, wondering how we'd going to store a load more toys. Family have been asking me what DS2 wants for Xmas - he'll be 2 months!

My in laws are lovely but seem to have a bigger is better approach to presents, such as the drum kit that they got 3 year old DS last year which got played on for photos then sent to charity shop. Such a waste. I'd love to request a donation towards his yearly zoo pass or a safari park pass (DH and I would pay our own so money purely for children), as that's what he loves, but worried about reactions such as those on the thread.

I would not talk to her about it again buy the gifts you want while being conscious of clutter.
You have permission for Christmas. When it gets to 2 year old birthday if asked just say, 'I couldn't turn up without something to open for him/her. Perhaps when they are teenagers I will do cash'

My dd is almost 8 and me and her aunt (at aunt's suggestion) have agreed to buy gift vouchers for toy shop this yr because she (and my nephew) get so much on Christmas day and they really will love the idea of choosing something later. So for the older two they probably would enjoy their own money/voucher. (not that anyone should insist what you buy)

It's very rude to ask for money.
I would simply smile and ignore.

I agree with the idea of something consumable- a gingerbread house kit, baking kit etc. Once it is used it is gone and won't add to clutter.

I wouldn't have a problem with it. My son is nearly 7 and wants money so if he sees something during the year he can get it (his birthday is close to Christmas). We just give our teenage niece and nephew money.

I can imagine that with four kids there is a lot of clutter and they may not need any new toys. For the 1yo you could transfer money to a savings account.

This year we asked family for contributions towards a wooden swing and slide set for the garden (we’ve just had it done up and there’s the perfect spot for it now) but I also said if they wanted to buy a “physical” present instead I totally understood and have short lists for each DC with suggestions. Everyone seemed happy enough with this and I think we’ll end up with a mix of contributions and gifts. I think your SIL is being unreasonable to be so insistent and not prepared to compromise at all. I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking for cash without an intended purpose for it to be honest.

I think YANBU and I would feel the same way.

It is never OK to demand how or what someone gives to you as a gift.

Yes, express a preference if you feel strongly - "cash would be better because X Y Z" - but once someone has indicated they'd rather not do that then you drop it.

Gifts are not a right, they are given to you and chosen by the giver. Massively ungrateful to moan.

Give Amazon vouchers or similar.

Good God, what a grabby woman!

Do you have kids yourself?

If presents are unwanted, and she bangs on about cash, I'd buy the kids some sweets/a book and a SMALL amount of cash (maybe £10)? As the kids,are still small and don't need £££

But how can you respect someone so.grabby?! People have no shame

second thoughts buy what you want whilst being mindful of clutter if she says anything say 'sorry I thought it was a suggestion not a demand'

I agree it's fine to give money and if people ask and I am stuck I may say 'if it suits give DD money/voucher so she can save up for something' but you cant insist!