AIBU to not want to give cash birthday / Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews.

[needtomovesomewherewarmer]

Had a request from SIL that could we please give her children cash for Christmas and birthdays as ‘they already have everything’ and often they miss out on gifts when they don’t fit/are duplicated (and i assume don’t like it). They have 4dc and she has cited clutter and space which I get and for the eldest last birthday we got a x6 month magazine subscription and a fatface hoodie. X2 christmas’ ago we got Disney on ice tickets for the family (was a splurge).

I have explained that dh and I feel quite strongly that we don’t want to give money as gifts yet as they are young (9,7,5 and 1) but have offered to do a mix for the 9 year old . I also suggested the children give us ideas of what they do want, that we check sizes or that we get experience type gifts (like zoo voucher etc).

SIL isn’t happy about this at all. Said she’s happy for us to give presents at Christmas but that her dc really want money and has made me feel extremely uncomfortable about it all.

I’m annoyed as to me a gift not something that should be expected. But I wonder if I’ve lost sense of perspective and I’m too stuck in old school ways???

I’d do cinema vouchers or a cheque in their name or maybe a fiver or tenner with a box of maltesers or a bath bomb so that they have something to open from you. Or I’d buy lovely PJs or something for a hobby (dance leotard or bag, football shirt etc).

Personally I would give them money, if it's what they asked for and would make SIL's life easier.

Don't take it personally, I'm sure they have enjoyed your lovely gifts in the past.

My dc have December birthdays and if they have a party the amount of stuff we get is unbelievable
I do prefer them to get cash or tokens to be honest and have requested that but most people ignore me ( mil ) and buy stuff anyway.
We usually sit there in despair on Boxing Day surrounded by literally bags of stuff the kids can't possibly appreciate but I don't don't know what we can do other than ask.
If you ask but people ignore you then I think you just have to say thanks and hope they change their mind next year

the 1 year old you could buy clothes for, or get them all fun t shirts.

Why?! They have three siblings. I'm sure clothes are the last thing the need.

I would be ok with the cash if I asked what they wanted and that as the reply, but to have it constantly rammed down my throat, no. A gift is just that; up to the giver. I know in my family people buy presents for the next xmas in the January sales, so they might buy something that is £20 for a fiver. Handing over £5 for an adult in cash might look a bit mean so they prefer to get the present. You don't like it, just send it off to the charity shop. Job done.

Now my kids are older they get money in pounds up to their age plus a small token gift from uncle and grandparents. So for birthday you could stick shiny pound coins in a card. You are following her request for money only and if she complains about the amount it will just show her to be really grabby.

Don't do a charity gift. That's just mean - if you want to give to charity, then great, but using a child's Christmas present for that purpose is just a PA dig at your sil.

clothes for the one year old, why not? they dont probably Need much but clothes are helpful for the parents.

We are lucky that my family will club together for a gift and also my children will share a gift too meaning they get the thing they want.

Nothing worse than being given a present that you don't want.

If you weren't prepared to give a gift that someone in my family wants I would ask you not to bother.

Have you considered how many other people are buying gifts for your nieces and nephews, and if they all get gifts they don't want, what a lovely Christmas they would have.

You are making this about what you want, not about what they want. Imagine you wanted a particular perfume and you know that receiving money you would get it but instead you get a scarf that you don't want, some toiletries you don't want, some ornament you don't want. But somehow you are meant to be grateful to those closest because they ignored what you wanted and bought what they wanted. Weird.

I think clothes for a 4th DC would be very welcomed. They probably get a lot of hand downs from older siblings.
I love when my DS (3rd) gets clothes. Always nice to have something new

It sounds like SiL has been a bit rude and entitled in the way that she has asked. We don't have a big house and I hate it when my DC are given huge toys and things that we have nowhere to store, but it doesn't sound like you have been giving them things like that anyway. Seems like you have been very sensible and thoughtful with your gift choices so far. Maybe vouchers would be the best option.

Clothes aren’t helpful. I have 3 boys. I have nowhere to store more clothes. And I do not dress my kids in tees with slogans.

The knowledge that money is this tight, people want to do something kind for them but then they waste money on something we will never use is just frustrating.

If people give the kids money it’s always spent on the kids. It means I can replace that coat that’s not waterproof any more, buy new socks when they’re needed, and even save up for the big stuff we would never be able to afford otherwise. They’ve got enough money for a playhouse and swing set which we are going to buy this winter.

My new targets are a tablet for my eldest (4), his school expects him to do some homework online and we just have a decrepit old computer (and my phone) and stage 2/3 car seats for my littler two.

I'd go with suggesting to not exchange presents for the kids at least at Christmas.

My sister ask my children directly what they want, and if I really think they don't need anything else I always suggest hoodys or pjs, which are useful things children always need

I have nowhere to store more clothes. And I do not dress my kids in tees with slogans.

Same. As are many people I know.

to be fair she has said she is happy for me to give gifts at Christmas, but wants money for birthdays

That's a bit bizarre though?! You'd think Christmas was the time when there was shedloads of clutter in the house? Birthdays are more manageable as they are spread across the year!

I think there is a world of difference between aunty Claire asking what the kids what this year and you having a think and coming back saying-honestly, I can't think-they have so much stuff at the moment. Would money seem grabby? Or something small?

Than you contacting aunty claire before she has asked, telling her (might I say 'demanding'), that it has to be money, experiences are no good and making out you are being selfish if you don't do it, is very different.

I've just double checked her children's ages! I thought they were teens. I bet none of them have expressed any such desire, especially not the one year old .

I would put my food down and make a point over this as I can see her using you as a cash cow for the next 15 years. I'd either say, sorry-I don't do cash and she can F off. Or, buy them something little (nice-doesn't have to be cheap, but small so she can't moan about it taking up room) and add a fiver to it.

There are ways to go about things like this and the way she has chosen gets people's backs up.

Get them a charity goat...

We do cash for all the nieces and nephews as that's what they want and it suits us, as no hassle.

They all make a point of thanking us and telling us what they put the cash towards, which is nice. Last year, the oldest nephew (13) spent his birthday money on a desk from Ikea and sent us a very amusing email including pics showing the various stages of construction.

We buy a token gift for DGD (2) and either treat her to a day out or give money, which goes into her savings. They have a small house and are sick and tired of being overrun with plastic crap that people have bought her.

I always preferred book tokens as a child (so many years ago when they were considered acceptable!) - I could go out and splurge on books that I wanted instead of having a present that was unsuitable & a waste of money. If she's got 4 kids then she's going to have a lot of stuff in the house & I can see why she wouldn't want more, particularly that might not be actually wanted. I'd go with cash or vouchers. Yes it's a bit grabby to practically insist but it is more sensible.

YANBU, I don't gift cash for children either.

Too many parents see it as free money and it doesn't get to the children.

Give them a book token and a selection pack, no clutter then or duplicate gifts.

I hate grabby people, you don't get to demand a certain gift.

One of my nephews Aunts set up an account for them at birth and put money instead of presents into it religiously. When they were 21 they got the account and it had £1,000 in it. This made me do the same for my DC and I encourage their relatives to give them money.

i bet your 21 year old can't remember all the stuff they got for Christmas but would be very happy to receive that much money later on.

'To be honest I’ve suggested a few things to manage clutter like the experience gifts etc and she’s been really difficult repeating that they (I assume she means she does really) want money and the last message I got from her was a bit antagonistic and making Out I was being selfish and not doing the right thing for the children. She has made it perfectly clear that money, not gifts of any kind, is what is desired. '

Time to call it a day on the gifts. It's ALWAYS crass, rude and grabby to demand money as a gift or whinge about wwwaaaa, I didn't get what I wanted!

'DH and I have thought it over and we've decided to stop exchanging gifts.'

I'd put money in savings and give it to each child when he/she is 18, to themselves to do as they please with.

My 9-year-old is saving birthday and Christmas money to buy a games console, but I would never tell those who ask that he only wants money.

She's a grabby, entitled and tactless git and teaching her kids to be the same.

Plus I doubt the kids would see the money.

Plus I doubt the kids would see the money.
Same.
I've had friends abd family ask for contributions towards something and I happily chip in. It's much better than lots of toys.

This woman sounds obsessed with getting her hands on cash and her demanding and rude nature makes me think it'll bevome extra spendies for her.

Piles and piles of stuff that never gets used. I find living with all this crap very stressful

Take the things you don't want to your local DV or homeless shelter. Or even charity shop. Don't be oppressed by them, do some good with them. Christmas spirit right there!

For those who are worried the SIL here/people they know wouldn't give the kid the money, could someone that shameless not just flog the presents? Especially for the 1 year old. And you can presumably say to the older kids, did you enjoy the tenner or whatever?