AIBU to not want to give cash birthday / Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews.

[needtomovesomewherewarmer]

Had a request from SIL that could we please give her children cash for Christmas and birthdays as ‘they already have everything’ and often they miss out on gifts when they don’t fit/are duplicated (and i assume don’t like it). They have 4dc and she has cited clutter and space which I get and for the eldest last birthday we got a x6 month magazine subscription and a fatface hoodie. X2 christmas’ ago we got Disney on ice tickets for the family (was a splurge).

I have explained that dh and I feel quite strongly that we don’t want to give money as gifts yet as they are young (9,7,5 and 1) but have offered to do a mix for the 9 year old . I also suggested the children give us ideas of what they do want, that we check sizes or that we get experience type gifts (like zoo voucher etc).

SIL isn’t happy about this at all. Said she’s happy for us to give presents at Christmas but that her dc really want money and has made me feel extremely uncomfortable about it all.

I’m annoyed as to me a gift not something that should be expected. But I wonder if I’ve lost sense of perspective and I’m too stuck in old school ways???

With 4 DC, I think the money would most likely be spent on them.

'Oh, I hate all the clutter and crap!' Then you say, 'NO gifts, please,' not 'Gimme money or I'll spit my dummy out and whinge about how unreasonable you are not to hand over cash because wwaaaaa, it's what I want! You didn't gimme what I want (stamps foot)!'

I think that's really young for money as gifts!

I started giving money as gifts to niece and nephews when they were teens for birthdays. I don't like doing it for Christmas though as money to me isn't a gift so prefer to give a voucher for somewhere like Game, Nando's, New Look type place.

Either put the money stright into their bank accounts or buy premium bonds. Yhat way not saying she would, but she can't spend it

Surely you'd know if the kids weren't receiving the money because you wouldn't get a thank you note / email / text / call explicitly thanking you for it at which point you'd ask the children..... Or have all attempts at being polite gone out of the window (with the OP who after multiple pages of being told she was rude for never saying thank you to people who moved for her was still claiming it was everyone else lacking manners )

I think a good compromise would be to let her know you've set up a savings account, will deposit cash into it at birthdays/etc and when they are 18, hand it over to them.

I think she sounds very rude. However, I do remember the excitement of opening cards from great aunts at Christmas, to find a pound coin or two sellotaped inside! Then going out to the sweet shop later in the holidays to spend it all on penny sweets!

I’d give them a sweet hamper or something that is consumable so there’s no clutter, she’s a cheeky fucker! A gentle request for cash is ok for an older child or for a savings account but an outright, repeated demand for money is vulgar.

Your Sil has been rude but the ingratitude towards the suggestions would already have ruined any pleasure in gift giving for me and I'd just send them a modest amount of cash. Is easier at least

Thanks everyone I’m glad it’s not just me that thinks it’s unreasonable. As I’ve said I’ve tried already and am happy to accommodate various different ways of gift giving to suit what they need I don’t see how the only suitable gift can is money. And I really have been upset by the fact that dh and I cannot express our wishes and it be left, but it’s not the first time that this has happened when we haven’t accommodate what she thinks we should do. It’s not that I’m putting my feelings of giving before the children’s feelings of receiving as I’m certain if they were all teens I’d throw cash in a card at their request. But right now it spoils the essence of birthdays and Christmas.

Offering experience days that we take the children on isn’t an option she wouldnt allow it.

Dh agrees with me on our position and has often enjoyed going and choosing the gifts rather than just leaving it to me.

I feel like digging my heals in as I find it hard to swollen being bullied into a change of heart but I also know where this will lead and I’m not sure I have the battle in me.

I’m going to ponder it some more but the various points of view have been helpful and I’m debating suggesting a limit of £20 (we normally sieve £30-35) and giving £10 vouchers and then £10 gift. The idea of donating to charity gives me a chuckle inside but I would feel terrible on the children.

Very rude of her tbh,

Vouchers or treats sound great, cash is a bit hard nosed.

Saying that dn will probably get a gift voucher as hard to buy for a teen

It’s probably already been suggested but you can get theatre or cinema vouchers as it pretty expensive to go so it could be a treat for the family.

My 2 prefer cash as they can splurge in the sales.

You still haven't answered the question abut what your SIL gives your children for birthdays/Christmas - does she give them cash?

prefer cash as they can splurge in the sales.

The OP is saying the SIL says presents are fine for Christmas but she wants money for their birthdays. They'd probably have to wait a while for any sales.

Are your children between 1-9 like the children in question? My teens would love money (though I would only suggest that if I was actually asked first) but I can't imagine when they were 1 or 5, it would have been so much fun.

I understand the clutter and have enough thing, but then they don't really need cash for anything else, do they??? It's rude to dictate what someone should give as a gift IMO.
Here's what the dictionary says about gifts!

a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present.

Meh! She's probably out of ideas and space. But I'd be tempted to ask what she plans to do with it, I'd be happy for it to go into savings accounts.

For some daft reason my ILs won't buy more Lego DS but will give cash - what does DS buy with it??

I am both an aunt and my DC have aunts. I adore my nephews and nieces and they do mine however I think you are going a bit OTT with your presents. Perhaps your SIL feels very much pressurised into reciprocating your high standards or embarrassed if she doesn't have the time of money to do so.

'I feel like digging my heals in as I find it hard to swollen being bullied into a change of heart but I also know where this will lead and I’m not sure I have the battle in me. '

Then she'll continue to bully you STOP pandering to her demands. 'No, we don't like giving cash gifts, so we need to stop exchanging gifts.' Then if you'd like, put cash in an ISA or the like and give it to each child when they turn 18.

Do you and dh live local? If so maybe say to her that you dont give cash until they are teenagers but could you have them all round for the day instead as their treat? Or you and dh take them to the Panto.

I understand your feelings but is it really worth it? You said they are ok with presents for Christmas and money for birthdays, so that seems a good compromise to me.

'I understand your feelings but is it really worth it? Y'

Yes, because the demands will get worse and worse when you capitulate to people like this.

If the kids 'already have everything' then they need neither gifts nor cash - do they?

She wants the cash - that's what this is really about.

Stop pandering to her and dig your heels in...........she has no right to dictate how you spend your money.
Perhaps she needs to stop indulging her kids with so much materialistic crap?

Tell her you'll be deciding for yourself how/if you choose to do gifts......if she doesn't like it that's just tough.

I understand your feelings but is it really worth it?
Yes. It is.

Because people like her SIL go through life with everyone tip toeing around them because it's easier.

There was another thread whete someone said their friend had openly admitted that he did what his girlfriend said because it was easier.

People like that need to be told no and realise acting like stroppy brats doesn't get you what you want.

ragwot SIL has to date bought our dc gifts but offered to said she would give cash to ours when she requested cash for hers. I’ve told her mine still enjoy gifts but as it’s her gift to my children it’s up to her wants to give and she said she’d stick to presents.

Those that have said to stand my ground are right I know that, you describe the situation exactly as it is. But, I know the fall out will be significant. But yes, this is it. You cave and the expectation is that you always will. You don’t cave and you live to regret it. It feels like a small insignificant issue what to give as a gift. But it should be our choice and I hate the ingratitude about it.