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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to give cash birthday / Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews.

176 replies

needtomovesomewherewarmer · 04/11/2017 00:11

Had a request from SIL that could we please give her children cash for Christmas and birthdays as ‘they already have everything’ and often they miss out on gifts when they don’t fit/are duplicated (and i assume don’t like it). They have 4dc and she has cited clutter and space which I get and for the eldest last birthday we got a x6 month magazine subscription and a fatface hoodie. X2 christmas’ ago we got Disney on ice tickets for the family (was a splurge).

I have explained that dh and I feel quite strongly that we don’t want to give money as gifts yet as they are young (9,7,5 and 1) but have offered to do a mix for the 9 year old . I also suggested the children give us ideas of what they do want, that we check sizes or that we get experience type gifts (like zoo voucher etc).

SIL isn’t happy about this at all. Said she’s happy for us to give presents at Christmas but that her dc really want money and has made me feel extremely uncomfortable about it all.

I’m annoyed as to me a gift not something that should be expected. But I wonder if I’ve lost sense of perspective and I’m too stuck in old school ways???

OP posts:
chanie44 · 04/11/2017 08:04

I’m with SIL on this. Surely this about what the recipient wants, not the giver?

I prefer to buy gifts, because I can normally buy something cheaper than the cash alternative, but if someone asks for cash or a particular item, I’d rather they get what they want, than what I think they should have.

I remember one year, the children got so much stuff for Xmas, we could barely store it all. Within a few weeks, bits were lost/broken and the children had lost interest. I dislike tho for two reasons. Firstly, stuff ends up in landfill if it can’t be recycled and secondly, it’s a waste of money for the giver, who may have worked hard to buy that gift.

Cash means we can put the money into the children bank account for when they are adults (eg for uni, first car or home deposit). Or we put it towards a higher ticket item, which the children would prefer.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 04/11/2017 08:08

The 9 year old may want money, but I doubt the 7 and 5 year old do, the 1 year old won’t have a clue.

Tbh I just give them the money, it’s less hassle for you self.

I thought it was just teens who asked for money Confused, ds1 has asked for a little money this year as his peer group has just started going out to places, he also asked for a Starbucks voucher.

Allthepinkunicorns · 04/11/2017 08:12

I don't understand why giving money is a problem its still a gift, maybe the kids really want to do something with it. Giving a gift is about the recipient not about you, if you really want to give a gift get something small to go with the money so you get to see them unwrap something.

Seeing it from your sil point of view if she only has so much space for toys etc then money can be a better option, also my ds has ended up being given lots of toys at birthdays and Christmas that he doesn't actually play with or want and its just a waste, so we ask for specific things that we know he will want or needs. Although my mother still ignores our requests in general and just buys whatever she feels like which really annoys me but that's for another thread.

Shadow666 · 04/11/2017 08:14

I think I would compromise and get a present for Christmas and send money for their birthdays. It doesn't seem awful. Easier for you too!

Applesandpears23 · 04/11/2017 08:19

Book tokens?

PoppyPopcorn · 04/11/2017 08:20

This drives me nuts about my inlaws. My youngest is 9 but their other grandchildren are young adults and I think they're just bored of present buying. So every birthday and Christmas they just make a transfer into our bank account. If the kids want something WE then have to faff about buying it or having it delivered as understandably a 9 year old isn't that impressed by a bank transfer.

It just sucks the joy out of everything. I am a huge fan of buying experiences rather than "stuff" though.

Sarahh2014 · 04/11/2017 08:22

We give dn money at birthdays and a present each at Christmas

Ragwort · 04/11/2017 08:27

I know she sounds blunt but really I suggest you respect her comments.

Do you have children yourself, the other alternative is to just say 'let's not exchange gifts anymore, I appreciate we are lucky enough to have everything we want'.

I am lucky in that I only have one child so don't get mountains of stuff but even so my DS used to be overwhelmed with gifts at Christma (very lucky I know) but 90% wasn't used/played with and it is all such a waste. Nearly all of it went straight to charity shops.

He genuinely loves getting money, and has saved so much over the years that he probably has enough to buy an old car when he is 17.

Original poster
needtomovesomewherewarmer · 04/11/2017 08:32

To whoever asked I have 3 dc although I’m not sure what difference that makes

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 04/11/2017 08:33

MimiSunshine you sound reasonable.

Requests for money depend on how it's done.

A friend of mine is on a low income and really wanted to do swimming lessons for her little one and then get an annual pass to somewhere local that thr kods enjoy so she has easy days out.
She said 'don't mean ti be cheeky but you know things are tight and the kids are so young thry don't need/ can't really appreciate more stuff. Any chance you'd mind chipping in towarss this pass or swimming lessons? Hopefully if enough people do it then we can do it and I think the kids will like it more'

I absolutely gave cash.

If someoje was like thr OP's family member then i would give a token gift and set up a child saver for them and thry can access the monry at 18.

Slartybartfast · 04/11/2017 08:35

they are a bit young, if they were teenagers that would be different.
i would go with a book voucher

Slartybartfast · 04/11/2017 08:37

without the one year old you could get a cinema voucher

Aderyn17 · 04/11/2017 08:45

I really disagreewith the suggestion that you offer an experience/day out to the kids directly. I hated it when my ILs did this with my kids - I didn't trust their driving and didn't want my dc in the car and then had the awkwardness of trying to get out of it. It's manipulative to bypass the parents in that way and it won't improve your relationship with your sil.
I would ask my dh (or brother) to find out of there is a problem financially, but it isn't your job to fund Christmas for them, so I would continue to buy small presents for 5 and 1 year old that don't take up space. I would give money to the older ones though - give it to them directly so they know they have had a present from you. 7 and 9 is old enough to enjoy going to the shops and choosing their own things.

Ragwort · 04/11/2017 08:47

need - I asked about whether you have children - does your SIL give them gifts or cash? Why don't you suggest no longer exchanging gifts?

I know people keep suggesting Amazon vouchers but not everyone shops on Amazon, same as cinema tickets, unless you have a cinema very locally it still costs money to get to the cinema, and not all children will want to see the same film, you have the cost of the adult tickets etc etc.

Why are you so adamant that you don't want to give cash? Is it about you wanting the 'pleasure' of choosing something for your nieces and nephews?

I give my nieces and nephews cash - it's easy and straightforward.

ZenNudist · 04/11/2017 08:47

So you hsve 3 dc and she has 4. Do they buy for you to the same value? In which case its like you are buying your dc gifts that you dont even get to choose.

Suggest that you all move back to a less materialistic christmas and birthday tradition and agree to no longer do gifts. That way you can spend money on treating your own dc if you think thry are missing out by no pressie from aunt and uncle.

Or spend the money saved together on a famiky gathering. Much nicer to see and spend time together.

I really think money is pointless for younger dc. And she has said no one wants for anything so its really time to stop gifting.

Oblomov17 · 04/11/2017 08:48

I don’t see a problem with this.
Maybe what they really want is more expensive and they need a few people to contribute to it?
If they want something for £50 or £100 it’s difficult to ask for that.
Or ask what they really do want, say FIFA18 for £50, and contribute £10 or £20 to that.

LoniceraJaponica · 04/11/2017 08:48

“I think 4 kids under 10 and the scope for duplication is huge, not to mention the sheer space it all takes up.
go with it, pop cash into their accounts”

I agree with this ^^. I remember when DD was small and used to have whole class parties. The amount of tat she received was ridiculous, and it took up so much room.

“stuff ends up in landfill if it can’t be recycled and secondly, it’s a waste of money for the giver, who may have worked hard to buy that gift.”

And this ^^. Although it doesn’t have to go into landfill surely? Could it not go to a charity shop instead? I don’t understand why giving money is a problem. My nieces are in their 20s and would rather have money than gifts. I don’t know them well enough to know what they really like anyway. DD is 17 and would rather get money and use it to go shopping and choose something herself.

That said, my sister always lets me know what her children want, and I just order it from Amazon and have the presents delivered to her house.

GreenTulips · 04/11/2017 08:51

I really disagreewith the suggestion that you offer an experience/day out to the kids directl

I disagree - I think the suggestions are that the core family take the kids not the aunt or ILs

I wouldn't want to go!!

KC225 · 04/11/2017 08:52

I think they are a bit young for cash. Perhaps the 9 year could be I to games. But seriously how much space does a magazine subscription take up. That is a brilliant present for a child. Encouraging reading and when finished, bin via cat litter box liner. Even the smaller ones would line comics.

The idea of a annual ticket for a children's farm or soft play is a good one. We got a family pass to the local Wetlands Centre and we would go just for an hour walk or to their great playground because we could walk in and not have to pay the entrance fees.

Oblomov17 · 04/11/2017 08:53

I disagree with the pposter who said most under 10’s prefer a present. My 2, for quite a few years now, love getting money and cheques. For Christmas and birthdays (we have huge families- loads of aunts and uncles) we put 1/2 in savings and 1/2 they can spend.
They love it. The getting to choose. Even to have money in their hands. They like it. I can appreciate that.

bananafanana1 · 04/11/2017 08:53

Could you buy them each a themed piggy bank and put some coins in it as a gift?

ScarletSienna · 04/11/2017 08:53

YANBU in our family it would mean we would give £20 to DN and then get £20 back for DS. DS is not interested in money but very much interested in unwrapping presents.

Annabelle4 · 04/11/2017 08:53

I think it's crass to ask for cash, but then some people are more direct than others.

I have 3 DC and would secretly love if people gave cash instead of gifts at Christmas, but I wouldn't dream of saying that.

The possibility of the family struggling financially also popped into my head though too, so keep that in mind.

LoniceraJaponica · 04/11/2017 08:56

If the present giver asked what the children wanted would it still be crass to say "TBH they would prefer cash so they could buy their own"?

ushuaiamonamour · 04/11/2017 08:57

It's perfectly fine for a child to tell its parents what they want for their birthday. It's ordinarily very bad manners for an adult to specify what they should be givenas you say, it isn't in the spirit of gift-giving/receivingand it's horrid to push the point. The polite pretense is always that a gift is given willingly and the recipient is delighted no matter what it might be. If you decide to cave in to get SIL off your back, maybe give money after all--to a charity, which will supply you with a nice card thanking the child for its donation and allow you to protest innocently 'but I did give cash'.