AIBU to not want to give cash birthday / Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews.

[needtomovesomewherewarmer]

Had a request from SIL that could we please give her children cash for Christmas and birthdays as ‘they already have everything’ and often they miss out on gifts when they don’t fit/are duplicated (and i assume don’t like it). They have 4dc and she has cited clutter and space which I get and for the eldest last birthday we got a x6 month magazine subscription and a fatface hoodie. X2 christmas’ ago we got Disney on ice tickets for the family (was a splurge).

I have explained that dh and I feel quite strongly that we don’t want to give money as gifts yet as they are young (9,7,5 and 1) but have offered to do a mix for the 9 year old . I also suggested the children give us ideas of what they do want, that we check sizes or that we get experience type gifts (like zoo voucher etc).

SIL isn’t happy about this at all. Said she’s happy for us to give presents at Christmas but that her dc really want money and has made me feel extremely uncomfortable about it all.

I’m annoyed as to me a gift not something that should be expected. But I wonder if I’ve lost sense of perspective and I’m too stuck in old school ways???

Older kids do love getting some cash and taking it to a toy shop, mine are 5 and 7 and do love the choosing.

I highly doubt that children aged under 10 would prefer money to an actual present.

Umm, really? I'd say the 9 year old almost certainly would and the 7 year old might well. I just adored getting cash at that age so I could choose my own things. Used to go clothes shopping with my mum after my birthday, and those are some very fond memories. Obviously not the 5 or 1 year old (although in our family with babies we often give cash for their savings as they're too young to bother with opening a present and all the parents feel rather assailed by stuff anyway).

Personally OP I'd give cash at least to the two eldest. Think of it as a voucher you can use anywhere. Unless of course you don't trust her to give the money straight to the DC, as some here have alluded to. In which case obviously don't!

I can see her point if she just doesn't like the ridiculous consumerism and waste associated with Christmas - kids just don't need mounds and mounds of plastic tat that will be played with on the day then quickly broken and forgotten. My children are around those ages and the older couple would love cash - they like to save up for things. My SIL usually buys something like a WHSmith voucher, which is useless as it isn't where the kids want to shop... if you don't want to give cash I'd go with useful presents (clothes, PJs, underwear, hair bobbles/bows, slippers) or consumables (pens, craft stuff, bubble bath etc, sweets).

Your SIL must feel very strongly about this to keep pushing it when you are saying that you don't want to do it. I think I would listen to her as presumably she knows best when it comes to her children.

I think the compromise of money for birthdays and presents at Xmas is a good one.

I only have 2 DC and the sheer amount of stuff they used to get used to make me want to cry. We'd still have some of it littering the lounge in June because they was just nowhere else to put it. I know I should have just got rid of it, but for whatever reason I find it very very difficult to do that. I'm so glad that my DC are a bit older now and have started getting cash more often. They're happier too as they can then spend it buying exactly what they'd like.

Give them a toys r us voucher each? They can save it if they want spend it on what they like.

That way SIL can't spend the money either

I would buy book tokens or a charity gift for the kids until they are older. I didn't start giving money until my nephews and niece were older. Until then, I got a list from the parents and bought off those, and included the receipt if it needed to be changed.

Could you buy them each a themed piggy bank and put some coins in it as a gift?

Noooooo! No more clutter! My DC have been given at least 7 money boxes each over the years.

What about for Christmas presents you could pay to take the children to see a Panto, and then that could become a family tradition?Depending on budget it could either be a celebrity filled one or a local amateur theatre group one.

Re clutter I can see SIL's point of view. We have one child and always struggle to fit new toys in! I would have thought with 4 children they must have so many toys with many being handed down to the younger ones. How would you feel if you bought a toy and because it was either a duplicate or they just didn't have space it went straight to a charity shop? That would seem such a waste.

I have one friend who has a serious declutter before Christmas but she pretty much gets rid of everything so there is room for the huge pile of new toys. This seems a waste too especially if the children still play with the old toys.

My MIL set up a savings account for DS and buys him a token, but nice, present for his birthday and then puts money into this account which he will have access to when he is 18. Is this something you can suggest? Or instead of the savings account a Clarks voucher if you think the family may be struggling financially

Your SIL is very rude and crass. If there is too much clutter (fair enough) then get them somethinng small that can be used up like art supplies, bubble bath/bath bombs, chocolate, stickers etc.

Perhaps she is just feeling overwhelmed. I know I am. My kids are currently the only ones in the whole family and are given huge amounts of presents. Which is lovely, but we live in a small terraced house. I'm sure they do like getting presents, but... it is suffocating for all of us living in piles of stuff. I have recently started saying, when asked for present ideas, please can people buy them craft stuff (they are 3 and 4) - this is because it is used up quickly and does not have parts which are easily lost, or make noise etc.

It's all very well saying "make an Amazon list of what they want" but for us that would still be 12+ presents EACH, every Christmas and Birthday, when you count up their aunties and uncles and consider that some of them prefer to buy more than one thing...! I can only imagine what it must be like with 4 children, especially given that many toys are easily passed down. So I am afraid I sympathise with your SIL.

Genuinely, my children do not need more presents, and we have so many people wanting to buy for them that tbh the sheer volume is such that last Christmas they got 1/4 of the way through their pile and refused to open any more as it was all just too much and they wanted to play with what they'd already opened. It is very difficult to say "no" as people want to buy for them. But cash for their savings would be great and could be used in the future when they need it, or put towards "bigger" items.

TBH they are likely to be pretty much drowning in chocolate as a 4 child household. I'd avoid that if possible.

I don't get it. Do you buy a present because you want to make the recipient happy, or yourself happy? The recipient, right? So why wouldn't you just do as asked and give money? OK, so the request didn't come direct from the children but unless you really think SIL is stashing the money for herself, don't you think she'll have their best interests at heart? The 5yo is probably having their last year of believing in Santa, so you'd want all the big ticket stuff to be coming from him. The 1yo is likely extremely well off for toys, given they have 3 older siblings, and the 9 yo will have great fun going spending their Christmas money in the sales. And more generally, for all of them, they might be trying to limit the number of toys they all have so that they actually play with what they have. Kids tend to get overwhelmed by having too many toys and get bored, whereas if they have a smaller number of things available it tends to spark their imagination more. I regularly rotate the toys my DCs have in their room so they have space to play. But we can do that, we have a big attic. It might be harder for your SIL.

Also, I hope that the next time someone comes on here saying "my relative keeps buying toys for the kids and we don't have enough space for everything" I hope they don't get the usual reply of "well, have you thought about simply asking them not to?" because clearly from this thread, asking for money means you're a CF.

I definitely feel overwhelmed with stuff, and I don't even have 4 kids. They just get bought so much and there is nowhere to put it.

dh relatives would send money, which would be great and meant we could buy a more expensive joint present

I think when it gets to the stage where you are just swapping cash it's time to do yourselves a favour and call it a day.
I really want this to happen with DH's family as they are all so stuck on amounts spent I'm almost certain for birthdays the same £10 Amazon voucher getting circulated.

My 10 and 8 year olds genuinely prefer cash. They have things they really want and save for (mainly big lego sets or in the girl's case smiggle stationery) and the choosing is the exciting part. I would never insist on cash. They don't have bank accounts so a cheque wouldn't work.

If they already have everything they need why would they need cash to buy more stuff with?

The presents you choose already sound non-clutters and very nice. Ignore the demands for money and carry on as before.

I haven’t read the whole thread but my children have started to have money, the eldest saved for 2 years, Christmas, Birthdays, treat money to get a tablet and inspired by such success our youngest has now followed suit. Developing the saving habit is a good thing. Our house is also bursting with toys so it was a relief. I also give money to children as they also combine money to get something larger. It gives the children a chance to get something they would never get otherwise.

Also, I hope that the next time someone comes on here saying "my relative keeps buying toys for the kids and we don't have enough space for everything" I hope they don't get the usual reply of "well, have you thought about simply asking them not to?" because clearly from this thread, asking for money means you're a CF

That's not right though. By all means say can you not buy a physical present, however saying no to days out or vouchers and demanding cash only does make you a CF

actually i think yabu
if they want cash let them have cash. with 4 children there is bound to be a huge amount of clutter.
the 1 year old you could buy clothes for, or get them all fun t shirts.

That would be fine for the older two DCs but little ones love opening pressies. We give money to our older nephews and nieces. Your SIL doesn’t get to dictate anyway, the giver chooses what to give.

I do get the point about clutter though. Vouchers would be a good idea for the older children with toys for the younger two, a compression maybe?

If they already have everything they need why would they need cash to buy more stuff with?

Well by that token don't give them anything at all then...

Alternatively, they might want to save their money to choose one larger thing, of the sort that it wouldn't be appropriate to ask any single family member to get them due to expense.

Sorry--meant to say 'give it to charity in the child's name'.

I would personally love it if my SIL stated she wanted cash for her kids at Christmas. I hate the ball ache every year trying to think of something to get them (they're spoilt and already have everything). Also I'm really surprised by the amount of people that have a problem with giving cash, I thought it was an accepted thing?!? Agree with previous posters about the obscene consumerism at Christmas time and mounds of tat accumulated at this time. Cash is more useful in my opinion.

We've started becoming much more prescriptive over gifts which I'm sure annoys my family but I find the whole present buying thing overwhelming and wasteful. Yet gifts just keep on coming. Piles and piles of stuff that never gets used. I find living with all this crap very stressful. My five year old even says he wants to move house as there's too much stuff in this one.

Last Christmas I returned pretty much all our presents and got £180 just from M&S!

I requested no presents for our 1 year old for her birthday and xmas, which has gone down like a lead ballon with my side of the family (in laws are more respectful generally, thank god DH is one of 6) but she really doesn't need anything and has no clue. She already has more clothes than any of us and only likes playing with the TV remote, ignoring the boxes of toys right next to her.

I would prefer money for their accounts but would never ask. DS has about £1.5k already just from presents and returned gifts over the years. Far more useful.