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To lie so I can have a baby?

(482 Posts)
LittleMissNew Thu 12-Oct-17 13:49:26

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

Louiseop Thu 12-Oct-17 13:50:24

You could get into serious trouble if anyone found out

NerrSnerr Thu 12-Oct-17 13:51:11

Wouldn't that be fraud?

Whisky2014 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:51:26

If you can't afford it, don't do it.

zzzzz Thu 12-Oct-17 13:52:02

If he stopped paying his wife to do nothing and claimed child benefit couldn’t you afford IVF privately?

Bambamber Thu 12-Oct-17 13:53:17

YABU although I can understand why

designatedSurvivor Thu 12-Oct-17 13:53:20

Yes.

You're bumping someone else off the bottom of the list by lying.

Try to have a little empathy.

Houseworkavoider Thu 12-Oct-17 13:53:41

What a stupid rule!
Do it. What would they do if you were unlucky enough to get caught?
Best of luck to you.

MargaretCavendish Thu 12-Oct-17 13:53:48

Are you sure your GP is right? Every IVF policy with exclusions for existing children I've ever heard of doesn't discriminate between resident/non-resident - it's just having the living children that counts you out.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:54:05

Then a couple when neither has a child, would miss out. How is that fair?

Your dp already has a child and yes you would be very wrong to do this.

Nandoshoes Thu 12-Oct-17 13:54:15

Sometimes you have to do what's best for you. Sometimes forgetting to update your doctor on the change of circumstances is ok.

Sometimes your happiness comes first smile

AssassinatedBeauty Thu 12-Oct-17 13:54:54

It would be fraud, surely? Seeing as IVF would cost a fair amount of money, it wouldn't be a minor fraud either.

Could you look into ways that you might be able to fund IVF, if you need it?

Raver84 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:55:01

Though I see what your reasons are I probably wouldn't do this. Maybe get your investigations done and then when you have a diagnosis then stop. I have been through infertility investigations it takes ages and so by the time you get the diagnosis sd may live with mum again or it wil be more official that she's living with you.

Kannet Thu 12-Oct-17 13:55:11

As far as I’m aware the child does not need to living with you to make you ineligible. Some friends where denied for the same reason.

Justbreathing Thu 12-Oct-17 13:55:22

I would just keep stum if I were you. and if I were you I couldnt give a flying fuck about morals or taxpayers or any of that shit.
You want a child and if you can't afford to pay on your own, why the fuck shouldn't you get to use the same service as others.
if you could afford it, that's another story, but you say you can't

and I'm sure there will be lots of people banging on about taxpayers and fraud and morals. are they going to be your friend in 5 years when you're childless because of this. I don't think so.

MargaretCavendish Thu 12-Oct-17 13:55:35

I am really sorry that you're in this position. It is astonishingly unfair that different areas have different IVF policies like this. It makes me really quite angry that I live somewhere that offers no NHS IVF at all, but that a woman with an identical history to mine - paying identical taxes - in another area could get three fresh cycles.

LittleMissNew Thu 12-Oct-17 13:55:41

we could possibly afford it if he stopped paying her and had child benefit but it would still take a few years to save up at least.

The main problem is she's been back and fall living with her dad and then her mum and then back to her dad which is why nothing gets transferred over to her dad so for all i know she decides to move back with her mum in the next few months in which case it wouldn't be wrong but then the minute she comes back its wrong again!

NerrSnerr Thu 12-Oct-17 13:56:25

Nandos and what do you suppose happens when the authorities find out and they want their money back?

Crunchymum Thu 12-Oct-17 13:56:37

I think someone is talking utter rubbish.

As a PP said there is no differentiation between resident and non resident parent (and the reason given by "the consultant" is utter bollocks! Playing parent - fuck me!!).

5rivers7hills Thu 12-Oct-17 13:57:09

Oh gosh just stay quiet - if his ex is still down legally as the RP no one will know

CatchingBabies Thu 12-Oct-17 13:57:11

It's fraud. I don't agree with the rule but not agreeing with it dosnt mean you don't have to abide by it. If found out you could be invoiced for the cost of the treatment and end up in debt or being taken to court for recovery.

Ilovetolurk Thu 12-Oct-17 13:59:01

In the words of the duck from Babe

I like that rule, it's a good rule, but this is bigger than rules

YANBU OP

MyDcAreMarvel Thu 12-Oct-17 13:59:20

You have misunderstood op what matters is that your do has a child so he is illegible for ivf. It's nothing to do with who lives with you and the GP was wrong to say it's because you can " play parent".

Justbreathing Thu 12-Oct-17 13:59:22

if they find out then you cross that bridge when you come to it.

if having a child is THAT important to YOU then you just have to go for it and not give a shit about anything else.
as someone else said, sometimes your happiness is the thing you need to put first.

zzzzz Thu 12-Oct-17 13:59:46

If you could save for it but want it now can’t you just take out a loan?

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