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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lie so I can have a baby?

481 replies

LittleMissNew · 12/10/2017 13:49

very very long story short, I am desperate for a baby, DP and I have discussed it and its something we both really want

Problem is DP already has one DC - 9 and when I started going to the doctors saying we have been TTC for over a year she asked if we had any previous children living with us. I said no and she said good because otherwise you cant have IVF on the NHS if you do

I asked why it makes a difference and she explained that if my partner has his child living with us I can play parent to that child so therefore wouldn't be eligible.

At the time my DP's DC was not living with us but circumstances have changed and now she does.

However, there is nothing "in writing" to say she lives with us, no court orders, DP still pays his exw child maintenance and his exw still claims child benefit (don't get me started on all this its a whole other topic)

Her school and doctors address are still registered with her mum so how could the powers that be prove otherwise if I say no when it actually comes down to possibly having IVF? (I'm still being investigated medically at this stage)

I know morally I'm being wrong but I desperately want a baby and we can't afford IVF and to say that I can play parent to his DC couldn't be further from the truth, I have no say in what she does or doesn't do and she doesn't treat me like a stepmum.
Don't get me wrong we rub alone just fine but she has difficulty accepting her mum and dad splitting up - even though they had been split for a good 4 years before I came along - she's been used to having her dad to herself and I think she resents us being together in a way so I cant hope to be any sort of mum figure to her for the foreseeable at least.

I just think it's unfair that I'm being penalised for something that is out of my control.

OP posts:

2014newme · 12/10/2017 14:44

Does your Dr (GP) know he has a child as the Dr needs to complete various forms.

zzzzz · 12/10/2017 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2014newme · 12/10/2017 14:45

Also whether your dp already has a child may affect what tests they do so its is important that they know the truth.

However I would be tempted to lie in your position. We were not entitled to any free ivf due to postcode but we could afford it.
Can you remortgage?

JacquesHammer · 12/10/2017 14:45

YABVU - think about a loan/interest free credit card etc to pay for the treatment.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 12/10/2017 14:46

In your case, though, couples like DH and me would miss out because of your lie, sorry I do think that would be wrong. I understand why you’d be tempted, but no I can’t agree.

Why is it more important for you to have IVF than the OP? Why does her case mean that you would have missed out? I think you should both be entitled to it, surely that's the best solution all round.

notfromstepford · 12/10/2017 14:46

We weren't entitled to IVF on NHS as DH had a daughter from a previous marriage - she didn't live with us. So as PP have said worth looking in to that first.

Justbreathing · 12/10/2017 14:46

@Mittens1969
why would you have missed out? genuine question

2014newme · 12/10/2017 14:46

Just to add the waiting list is long for nhs so if you could pay for a private cycle 8b meantime I would do so as time. Isn't on your side.

Good luck

guilty100 · 12/10/2017 14:46

The rules on IVF are ridiculous. And a postcode lottery. Where I am, if you live 10 miles one way you get a lot of treatment free, 10 miles the other you get very little.

I think it's damn misogynist for a woman to be disqualified if her partner has had a child with someone else.

Joey7t8 · 12/10/2017 14:47

Get a loan then. It'd be far less stressful than worrying that you'd get found out.

JacquesHammer · 12/10/2017 14:48

I think it's damn misogynist for a woman to be disqualified if her partner has had a child with someone else

Hah - what bit of NHS treatment isn't based in misogyny?!

MySecretThread · 12/10/2017 14:49

I can understand why you would be tempted to lie and I would want to lie myself but I just couldn't do it. Also, even if I could convince myself it's ok to lie I know my DH would never ever consider it.

I'd see as stealing, however much you justify it it wouldn't feel right.

LoverOfCake · 12/10/2017 14:49

At 38 most nhs trusts won't fund any IVF anyway because the success rate is so low after 35.

Personally I am of the belief that no IVF should be funded on the NHS but that's a topic for another discussion. However, given that it is funded in some instances there have to be rules for a reason. No it might not seem fair but you willingly became involved with someone who had a child and those are the rules.

Reality here is that IVF isn't just about the woman. If the man has sperm issues he already has a child and should not have the right to another funded by the nhs. If you were the parent of the existing child he would be the one missing out on his own biological child. That's just the way it goes. The NHS is already struggling and the line has to be drawn somewhere. Many NHS trusts are starting to withdraw treatment altogether because of funding constraints but as I said above, most wouldn't fund anyway for someone over the age of 35 because of the low rate of success

cherryontopp · 12/10/2017 14:49

My friend lied about her partners son..its the only way she could get a baby. I don't blame her (or you) one bit. It's a ridiculous rule

kittytom · 12/10/2017 14:50

I would probably keep quiet. Once agreed, they are unlikely to check. IVF rules change from area to area so are in my view arbitrary and unfair to some. A couple in one county will be able to get three cycles for free, but you none? They asked if she was living with you, and it is technically correct that she does not. But as a pp said, I would focus on TTC for now - you have only been trying for a year, you could still conceive naturally. Hope you do.

PS - playing parent?! How patronising! And it is hardly that anyway in your case.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 12/10/2017 14:50

YABU and because of people like you, eventually IVF probably won’t be available to anyone.

Hortonlovesahoo · 12/10/2017 14:52

OP: I know that it's difficult to realise but rules are rules and you'd be committing fraud if you lied.

Take out a loan if time isnt on your side but don't cheat the system. FWIW: I've got personal experience of this, it sucks to have to do it privately or find that amount of money but it comes down to: how much do you want a kid?

Also, to add a dose of realism: I was told to aim for 2 cycles as each cycle has only a 40% success rate.

OlennasWimple · 12/10/2017 14:55

I can't think of a single situation in which it would be acceptable "to lie so I can have a baby"

2014newme · 12/10/2017 14:56

Op have you checked the NHS age restrictions in your area?

Justbreathing · 12/10/2017 14:56

what i don't understand is we have a dwindling population in western Europe.
we should be spending a lot of money helping to increase it!
if you go to Israel you get as many goes as you like!

and to all the people on here who say, don't do it, and they have children, then they can fuck off. really they can.

If you can find me one person on here, who gave up the chance of motherhood, because they didn't morally want to go against a stupid rule, I would be fascinated to hear from them. and I mean gave up the chance. not paid for it themselves.

Georgeofthejungle · 12/10/2017 15:00

Sound to me like it’s a temporary situation anyway....

20lbsToLose · 12/10/2017 15:03

Don't you see your DH's DD as your DD now that you're married?

I do think you're being unfair and a tad selfish.

helpmefast · 12/10/2017 15:04

@MargaretTwatyer but people who have ivf then also get tax credits so that logical doesn't exactly work

DaisyLand · 12/10/2017 15:04

"@MargaretTwatyer" thanks for your comment regarding my DH

20lbsToLose · 12/10/2017 15:04

we have a dwindling population in western Europe

Do we?

Surely we could make it easier for people to immigrate instead of creating more children.

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